#modelover30

Finally! After months of different shoots I (think anyway..) have a good variety of photos for my portfolio. I selected a few photos from each shoot I've done, printed, and now I have to narrow down to find the perfect combination for the portfolio. These pictures are a combination of doing TFP/trade shoots (which make up most of the photos) and two paid shoots.

One HUGE lesson learned from doing these shoots is that infamous saying.. "If it sounds too good to be true..." Well. I got talked in to paying for a shoot from a "really experienced and amazing photographer" who can get me those last shots I "need". I had had such great experience with all the other photographers up till this point that I didn't ask a lot of questions because, until this experience, I thought certain things were standard. They are not!!!

The session with this "amazing photographer" was a total let down, the photos were even more disappointing, and then when I brought up the subject of a reshoot (as I was promised) it was clear that was not going to happen. Out of 5 different looks he took a total of 78 photos (thats how much time he spent with me) and out of 78 photos I have ONE great photo, AND out of 5 looks and a lot of money paid he only owed me 2 edited photos. Which is crap. But now I know what to ask before I agree to anything.

                                         Of all the challenges and obstacles I am facing on this new path (ie my height and age primarily) the hardest thing by far is a chronic battle with an issue that has been plaguing me for 20 years. Can I finally stop pulling out my eyebrows?!

For twenty years. For twenty WHOLE years I have suffered, secretly for the most part, from a behavior disorder in which I pull out my eyebrows (and bite my nails but that is a little more "acceptable" in the world). Feeling like a weirdo freak for 15 of those years I kept the reason why I had little to no eyebrows a secret. I was quick to become teary eyed and anxiety ridden at the mere mention of my eyebrows. My body and mind consistently filled with feelings of shame and embarrassment and then mental fatigue from beating myself up for not being able to control myself. 

Recently, I befriended a casting director who casually said you look great but you have to let your eyebrows grow back. Yes..yes I do... While this was the first time it was suggested my success work wise may be affected because of my penciled on eyebrows, he was definitely not the first to challenge me, so to speak. I have been hearing this seemingly simple suggestion for years from friends and family. Everyone making it sound so easy and at times actually treating me like a child by slapping my hand away. For the most part the extreme gestures did not bother me and was a helpful reminder, but there were the other times that I was feeling really anxious and in a such a deep zone that being reprimanded only fueled my fire of anxiety and increased feelings of shame.  

It was not until my early 30's, 15 years after the pulling started, that I stopped being embarrassed by the habit (what I called it for years) and was comfortable in owning and admitting it. I finally grew to know and love myself enough to know that I was not weird or a freak, I just have a problem. I realized everyone has a problem or addiction in some fashion so why should I be so ashamed of my "problem". I took the time to research my behavioral pattern and was relieved to learn it was not just me! AND there is a name for the behavior: Trichotillomania.

While it was comforting to know I was not alone and this is a very real issue, it does not make it easier to deal or stop. The struggle is 100% day to day, and mood to mood. The more I keep myself busy and active the easier each day is. And one day, maybe soon, I can wash my face with the door open no longer worried if anyone sees me sans brow; I can let people touch my face with out fear of smudged brow; and best of all would be to post a picture of my face with no penciled on eyebrows. 100% make up free.

More info:                                                                             Trichotillomania (pronounced trick-o-til-o-MAY-nee-ah), a disorder in which people have an irresistible desire to pull out their hair from the scalp, eyebrows, legs, pubic area or any place where hair grows on the body.

I'm starting a completely new path in life! A dream of being a living canvas. 35 too late to model?

If there is a will there's a way.

I feel like I have been on hold for months!! When in reality it has only been a few weeks. I am almost done putting my portfolio together - just waiting on some pictures back! I am still short a few photos I was hoping to have taken (that will be a whole other blog called "Trust Your Instincts!") by now but it is what it is and I am ready to move on!!

So! While I wait.. I talked my Mr. in to doing a boxing training session with me and having my awesome neighbor document it in hopes for some great fit and lifestyle photos. 

untouched. photo credit Seth Bloom.

In other news. Kickstarter denied my project (bhoo!) so I finally got everything transferred over to Indiegogo and it's live!! Check it out!

About a week ago I did my first fitness shoot. It was REALLY fun and we got some great shots!! This genre is probably the most comfortable for me so far and felt the most natural which was refreshing. The photographer was great with instruction, capturing great angles and using different lighting! There was lots of push-ups, lunges, flexing, jumping.. Good times!!

photo credit: DenzoMag

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. –Joshua J. Marine

photo credit: renovatingyourmind.com

I have been trying to figure out why I am so uncomfortable with the idea of sharing the news that am pursuing work as a model. The few people that I had shared with I awkwardly said I am "looking in to commercial print work". Then generally the confused person says "...oh..like a model?"  YES. A model. 

The word "model" just sounded so vague and empty. I guess by definition it is.. But this pursuit of becoming a model is nothing of the sort. This journey has been draining, challenging, exciting and trying, has forced me to be creative, get out of my comfort zone, and think outside the box I have been living in for 35 years!!

Just like finding success in any job, whether its using beauty or brains or both, this modeling world takes a hustler. Beauty, brains, innovation, personality and drive. And what we don't hear about is it takes it ALL!! There has to be a reason Gisele is earning $47 million and the rest of the model clan is making under $8 million.. That's quite a gap and I'd guessing it has to do with more than her looks!