#mod k.a.

(I want to be clear to other aro-specs that this blog is also me; the recycling of a username seemed the easiest way to go about it.)

Unlike @aroworlds, I’m looking to reblog and collate any content that relates to allosexual aromanticism, be it narrative media, artwork, discussion posts, positivity, vent posts, anything. Most allo-aro folks will know that is so difficult to find allo-aro specific content here on Tumblr: it tends to get spread out amidst more general aro-spec posts. So I’m gathering up all the allo-aro-specific posts I find, housing them on the one blog for ease of accessibility.

This blog is for anyone who wants to find allo-aro content in the one place. Folks should note that because I’m a low-spoons disabled person, this blog will largely be running without tags. I just don’t have the spoons to mod and tag two different blogs, so I’m simply going to be tossing posts into the queue as is. I apologise, because I know a lack of tags will make this blog inaccessible to some folks, but this seemed to me the best compromise in getting a blog going but making it easier for me to handle.

[opening image description: two photos of a baguette-shaped foam pencil case on a background of white dots and streaks on a solid pale-yellow surface. The first photo, outlined in white, shows a squishy bread stick like a baguette, painted a yellow-brown with darker marks to indicate crust and lighter yellow breaks in the bread, resembling a real bread stick. The second photo, also outlined in white, shows the bread open--similar to how one cuts open a sausage bun--and housing a clear plastic rectangular-style pencil case inside, holding a black and blue pen.]

Video Tutorial - Baguette Pencil Case, Minicuteclub

This is a rather involved tutorial, with lots of cutting and shaping, for a squishy pencil case, made from foam, that resembles a baguette or bread stick. I suspect this may involve too much cutting for many of us, but it does result in some very stimmy stationery.

The English subtitles have the ableist phrasing "you don't need to be OCD about this". I considered not posting this video at all, as I don't think this kind of casual ableism has any place on this blog. Because I have posted her other videos, though, I thought there was a good chance some some folks would happen across this usage unwarned for if checking out her videos on YouTube, and I’m not comfortable with that, either. So I am posting this as a general indication that at least one of her videos has ableist content, so followers can make informed choices about whether to view this video or any of her videos.

Components:

Clear plastic pen case

Piece of foam larger than the case (memory foam was used)

Marker for tracing

Large and small scissors

Utility knife

Hot glue gun

Fabric paint

Paintbrush and plate for mixing

Cup of water

Please stop labelling aro/aromantic-spectrum identities as ace/asexual-spectrum identities.

I’m trying, again, to find new media and art posts that depict aro-spec pride, as I’ve reblogged much of the little that is available on this website. I’m conscious of the importance to not solely focus on general aromantic media alone, and since I don’t want to reblog posts that only label akoi pride colours as “akoisexual” where at all possible, I do spend quite a bit of time hunting down material. Which means I’m forced to do what every green-blooded Tumblr aro-spec dreads: searching the tags.

(That searching tags for our identities often results in so many different shades of erasure, dismissal and antagonism says something truly horrifying about the broader LGBTQIA+ and even ace/a-spec communities’ attitudes towards aro-specs.)

This means, of course, that I’ve seen far too many information posts entitled Ace Spectrum that go on to discuss aromantic identities under the asexual banner.

Ace is not an umbrella term for asexuality and aromanticism. Ace is an umbrella term for asexual and asexual-spectrum identities, and it does not include folks who see their aro-spec identities as being a separate identity and experience. While some aces and ace-specs (especially those who don’t use the SAM or consider aro not needing specific mentioning) will feel themselves included this way, it erases many aro-aces by treating the ace part as our only identity worthy of the header. It also completely throws allo-aros under the bus by forcing us to be misidentified in order to be included in your post. In a world where asexuality gets more attention than aromanticism, where a lot of aros and aro-specs find the aro community through first the asexual and a-spec ones, that’s nothing less than extreme erasure.

Yes, I know there’s a great deal of overlap with regards to spectrum identities, which have at least sexual and romantic attraction variations. Yes, it is often necessary and right to mention both in the same post. But the answer to this problem is simple: if you want to talk about all of these at once, don’t label or title your post as being about asexuality or the ace spectrum.

That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Use words like “a-spec” or “ace and aro spec” in your header if you want to mention aro-specs.

Just stop entitling posts about asexuality and aromanticism as asexuality alone.

I really don’t appreciate my aromanticism, a thing for me not even on the same planet as asexuality, labelled this way.

This has lurked in my drafts folder for a while, but based on an addition to one of my posts, I think now is the time to post it.

(For new folks happening across this post, the first and third post links contain reference to suicidal ideation. If you can read it, I recommend that you do.)

@saltyaro​ reblogged discussing the aro erasure common on ace community blogs like @fuckyeahasexual, which not only voices a deep frustration of mine but begins a much-needed conversation. If we accept the premise that it is not acceptable to tear aro-aces between ace-spec and aro-spec spaces, and it is not acceptable for aro erasure in ace-spec and a-spec spaces to go unacknowledged, then we need to start conversing with ace-spec communities.

(It was a relief to see someone else voicing something I’ve felt for a long time. Such a relief.)

This post about remembering that the A doesn’t just stand for “asexual” and my tagging alloromantic ace media as alloromantic because I keep seeing allo-aces present and praise romantic representation as applicable to all aces post are both inspired by content on @fuckyeahasexual. I’ve seen these instances of erasure on multiple media posts, reblogs and asks. I will say that you are not the only ace-spec or a-spec community blog guilty of these things--absolutely not. I’m addressing you because you are one of the bigger ace-spec community blogs, and I think if you can make positive changes to combat aro erasure, other blogs will follow suit.

Something I see, a lot, is comments like this: “the A is for asexual, not ally”. I see posts about media and representation under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella where the only media listed for “A” is ace-related content, resulting in applause and praise by mods and followers. I see a whole lot of ace-spec spaces celebrate the remembering of “asexual” in the initialism while never mentioning, at all, that the A stands for more than just “ace”.

A general LGBTQIA+ post that lists only ace content under the “A” erases aro-specs and the aro-spec community. A general LGBTQIA+ flyer that says the “A” stands for “asexual” and not “ally” erases aro-specs and the aro-spec community. These things should not be praised as successful or appropriate activism; these things should be challenged and corrected.

This usage erases allosexual aros/non-ace aros and fellow ace-spec aros who consider their aro-spec identities as worthy of mention and celebration as their ace-spec ones.

(Allo-aros, of course, are already marginalised in a-spec spaces with the centering/primacy of asexuality/asexual content and the difficulty of finding information, support and representation as aro-specs separate from asexuality.)

The damage that seems at odds to creating an asexual community that supports and shelters all ace-specs is the erasure of aro-aces in this phrasing--folk who are ace, folk who want to engage in and participate in the ace-spec community, folk hit with reminder after reminder that the aro part of their identities is irrelevant or less important. I don’t know if you saw the @ mention I referenced above, but the anon ask that spurred that post and the responses to it is heartbreaking. I was wrecked by it. I still am.

We need acknowledgement from aces--specifically alloromantic aces, aces who don’t use the SAM and aro-aces who don’t need their aromanticism to be centred--that the aromantic-spectrum and ace-spectrum communities stand together under the a-spec umbrella, that the A stands for all of us, and so should all discussions in reference to said shared initial.

We need aces--specifically the aforementioned aces, as allo-aros and aro-aces identifying with the aro-spec community are already doing this--to make corrections when “asexual” is the only A-related umbrella/community identity mentioned in broader LGBTQIA+ media and information.

We need aces--specifically the aforementioned aces, as allo-aros and aro-aces identifying with the aro-spec community are already doing this--who praise asexual media and resources listed under the A by broader LGBTQIA+ organisations to also discuss what media/resources relate to aro-specs, and if there is none, point out this lack.

(All aro-specs, including allo-aros. I do not want to see aces stopping at mentioning that aro-aces are included; that’s just another way of continuing to center asexuality. If media and resources are directed towards aro-aces but exclude or forget allo-aros, this should be mentioned.)

We can praise an organisation for what they’ve done right while also pointing out their failures, and not including or mentioning aro-spec people and the aro-spec community is a significant one.

All of us--aro, aro-spec, ace, ace-spec, allo-aro, allo-ace and aro-ace--need to hold in our hearts that the A means all a-specs. All a-specs, united, must decide here and now to centre this. All of us.

“The A in LGBTQIA+ means asexual, not ally” is a step towards victory, not the conclusion. We do not get to stop short of mentioning the other a-spec community/umbrella in want of support and representation. We do not get to decide that remembering one community/umbrella while ignoring the other is good enough. We do not get to dismiss the history and the aro-aces that tie ace-spec and aro-spec communities together, and we do not get to decide that aro-aces count under “asexual” and allo-aros don’t matter at all.

Asexuals share the “A” in “LGBTQIA+”. We cannot be the a-spec community, celebrating so many ways of being wonderfully a-spec, while we forget this.

I’ve had a few different pride flags cross my radar over the last couple of weeks. I think it’s important, in a flourishing community with a resulting growth of flags and pride colour schemes to represent us, to have a conversation about representation and design.

A-Spec Versus Aro-Ace Pride Flags

If you’re making a specific a-spec pride flag, I ask that you consider designing it in such a way that it is somewhat distinct from aro-ace pride. Most of the flags for both combine both the ace and aro flags together in various ways, which is reasonable enough given that ace and aro folks are part of both identities, but it results in neither flag looking distinct from the other. I’ve seen multiple flags that combine aro and ace pride colour sets together, leaving some stripes out or adding another purple stripe, and while some are aro-ace and some are a-spec, they all blur together to me. I can’t tell the difference, and I doubt I am the only one with this inability.

Aro-ace is not an umbrella term for the a-spec community. It’s its own identity and needs its own pride. Aro-aces should have their own pride design to distinguish themselves and their experiences from other ways of being a-spec, while allo-aros and allo-aces shouldn’t be forced to find their a-spec pride under something that looks more like aro-ace representation. As aro-aces rightly have a history of combining the ace and aro flags together for their pride, I think a specific a-spec flag should shift away from this combining of two flags to something new that speaks of both but represents a-specs as a whole.

There’s many ways one could make both flags different, even with using the same colour schemes but changing order or arrangement, or adding other simple designs across a striped field. What about vertical stripes for one and horizontal for the other? Or colour bars taken from ace-spec and aro-spec identity pride flags, together with purple and green, to celebrate and centre the a-spectrum? Or an a-spec flag that’s half green and half purple for the aro and ace spectra, but with a single narrow black stripe (black for unity?) in the centre?

It’s important to have both ace and aro colours represented in a specific a-spec pride flag, but I think it is also important that aro-ace be seen as distinct from a-spec in the minds of flag designers and the community promoting, discussing and using these flags.

Design Authority and #Ownvoices

People not of one identity should not be making flags/pride colour sets for that identity unless they have been commissioned to do so by someone of the identity and have had feedback and consultation from someone (preferably more than one person) of the identity.

This happens quite a bit in broader LGBTQIA+ spaces, so I absolutely understand it not seeming like a problem here. It’s common for people to realise that a flag is missing and then make a flag to fill the gap or complete a set while not being of the identity in question, which is then collated by the many pride-flag collecting blogs and reblogged to the community. I do not see malicious intent in this; I absolutely understand that best intentions are meant. But I also don’t think that this stepping-in serves the best interests of the community the designer intends to represent. Colours and designs are often chosen without any consultation from the people for which this flag is intended.

Pride colours come to be a visual shorthand for our identities, and on a visually-heavy platform like Tumblr, they often result in a lot of creative media. If that pride set takes off, especially if other bloggers give it attention and promotion or the designer is well-known, we suddenly have a flourishing of art representing a certain identity, used by people not of the identity in making pride art sets ... and that identity having had no say in the colours and designs now representing them.

It’s even worse when the designer assigns symbolism to the colours: I’ve seen a few flags created by folk not of the identity where the symbolism offered is designed to match relating flags but says nothing distinct about the experience of the identity (my identity) in question. This is why it’s so important that people of the identity are determining their own colours and symbolism, because most of the time, the outsider designer won’t know what’s desired or important in the symbolism. I don’t feel connected to these flags; they’re not made with my lived experience in mind and it so often shows.

If you’re a designer and you see an identity that isn’t yours in need of a flag or pride colours, approach someone of the identity and ask if they’d like you to help. You must be willing to take on their advice on colour, design and symbolism, but if you’re working with the people for whom the flag is meant, this is fine and awesome. Don’t step in and just decide on a flag yourself.

Speaking for the people lacking pride colours isn’t what pride flag design should be about. Helping people lacking pride colours to speak for themselves by providing software, file formats and design skills should be the role of a designer. If we value the importance of #ownvoices representation, it should start with pride colours. Promoting designs made by someone of or commissioned by someone of the identity in question is vital to keep in mind in a world where flag variants and alternate flags are becoming increasingly popular.

Allo-Aro Flag Design

There’s only a few allo-aro pride art pieces on this blog, compared to multiple and regular aro-ace pride art pieces. Unlike aro-ace, which has a visual shorthand in various ways of combining asexual and aromantic pride colours, allo-aro has nothing as a whole. Sometimes the aro flag is combined with allosexual pride flags, but that still doesn’t group allo-aros together in the sense of having shared experiences both within the aro-spec community and outside it. Pride colours give us an immediate visual representation, easily reproduced, and for this reason they are an important step in recognition and validation.

Since much of my reblogged content is visual art based around pride colours, I can see the creation of an allo-aro pride theme/flag helping to fill that lack. I’d really like allo-aros to get together and discuss pride colour/flag options and symbolism so that I can feature more visual representation for us on this blog. I want to be clear that I see it as more as an addition to our pride; I don’t mean it to replace our aromantic pride colours or our sexual orientation pride colours. (And I’d love to see more pride art posts that combine allosexual orientation identities with aro-spec identities!) Just as many aro-aces use the ace, aro and combined flag variants depending on situation, we can and should use our sexual orientation, aro-spec and allo-aro flags as suits us.

I see an allo-aro flag as an additional shorthand to give us a sense of connection and community, particularly in the sense of a currently-lacked visual presence in aro-spec and a-spec spaces. Without something to represent us, it’s harder for us to be seen, and my hope is that a flag can and will change that.

I’ll be honest: I want an allo-aro flag that veers away from current a-spec flag approaches to colour, design and symbolism/meaning. My thinking is that we need a flag with colour stripes relating to sexual attraction in addition to our aromanticism, as our experiences of allosexual attraction as shaped by our aromanticism is so often an afterthought in a-spec spaces. It’s worth considering that we already have the aro flag representing our aromanticism, often with references to things like friendship and platonic/queerplatonic attraction in the colour stripes. The allo-aro flag shouldn’t, in my opinion, reproduce what already exists. It should represent the allo-aro experience, specifically focusing on those things that aren’t covered by current aromantic pride interpretations and meanings--and for me, that’s the intersection of allosexual attraction and aromanticism.

The flag idea I have in mind has a pink stripe for attraction to femininity, a blue stripe for attraction to masculinity, a white stripe for attraction to gender and genderless identities unaligned to the binary, and a yellow stripe for attraction irrespective of gender, with narrower aro-pride-green stripes placed above and between these four coloured stripes. My thinking is that the sexual attraction stripes with green aro stripes interspersed between them will show that our aromanticism is the thing that connects our diverse experiences of allosexual attraction. I suspect using pastel variations of those colours would be easiest on the eyes and I have no knowledge of colour theory and what hues go comfortably together. This idea is based more on colour symbolism than colour theory, so I suspect it may not work that well in practice.

This is only a suggestion and I’d love to see what other allo-aros come up with. I’m posting this as an example for how I’d like to see a flag that isn’t similar in meaning and design to pre-existing flags, but I’d gladly toss it for any better ideas!

(I’m Australian of Dutch heritage, but I am not Catholic. My extended family, though, are either Catholic or lapsed, and a lot of our customs and traditions are based in both.)

I’m still ridiculously behind on messages, but maybe I’ll get caught up over the next few days. Or the next week. Or something. I’ve been pretty rushed off my feet with getting presents and cleaning and appointments, so I keep ending up where I dash in to make a post and then get pulled away by something else. I’m sorry, because I know I’ve been ridiculously flaky, but I want to be clear that it’s something I’m struggling with right now and I’m not intentionally ignoring anyone. I just never have both time and spoons enough to sit down and go through everything.

I do want to say this: thank you so much, lovely followers, for being just that--lovely followers! I hope you have a happy holiday season (or can grit your teeth tolerating the rest of us if you don’t celebrate anything this time of year) with supportive friends and family. Or, if you’re more like me, that you’ll see it through to the other side without too much stress and frustration.

[image description: multiple squishies and a few other stim toys housed in a white plastic weave basket sitting on a blue, white and black tree-silhouette-on-night-sky quilt cover. The squishies include: a large red and green watermelon slice; an orange carrot; a red apple; a small yellow and orange peach; a light pink strawberry; a white tofu square; a yellow, green, pink, blue and white alicorn; a smaller red and green watermelon slice; a red apple inside plastic bag; two white tofu squares, also inside plastic bags; and a large white, pink and green peach. Non-squishy toys include a blue and clear cactus shaped gel pack; a rainbow plastic slinky; a white fabric star made from white and silver mermaid sequin fabric; and a clear plastic ball filled with glitter, the word “smiggle” printed on the top in white text.]

Stim Toy Storage - Open Basket

This has become known as the Basket of Squish, and for good reason!

I find storing squishies in an open basket is good for two reasons. One, this sits on my bookshelf, meaning that the squishies are easily grabbed when I want one without squishies ending up all over the house. (Since I tend to get panicky when things don’t have their proper spot, a basket solves the problem.) Two, it lets the scents fade. Not all squishies come with scents that fade over time--I’ve had to give several away because the scents haven’t faded enough to be tolerable--but an open basket helps expedite the process for those that do.

I don’t recommend this storage style for mochi squishies, because it is difficult to remove the dust (and they attract dust like a computer monitor, honestly). For foam squishies, especially those that aren’t tacky, a duster or even a new, dry toothbrush works just fine.

The white plastic means that there’s no colour to stain the squishies inside. I have had a few squishies stain (the metal chain attachments tend to stain the squishies that press up against the metal) so choosing a colour with no dye avoids this. I’d avoid dark-dyed wicker or anything else that might leech the colour of the basket into the squishy.

Folks are using a word that names a mental illness experience--I am a person with phobias talking here, one of them significantly disabling--to also describe hate and antagonism, just with slight modification to describe the target of said hate. (Just as many mental illness phobias also have this construction: arachnophobia, for example.) The dictionary definition of “phobia”, which I’ve seen used to justify the community use, is actually irrelevant here. A word that has a strong if not dominant association with a form of mental illness is used time and time again by all my LGBTQIA+/queer communities to describe hate and antagonism.

My mental illness is associated with the names of violent, damaging and erasing behaviours that hurt me on a variety of axes of gender identity and orientation while bearing no resemblance to my mental illness experience.

Can I ask you to stop and think about what that feels like? To have a word that describes my mental illness used as a synonym for hate, over and over again?

Because it is common-use language, I am constantly under pressure to just accept that this ableism is okay, to be quiet and watch all my communities wield this word. People who don’t have phobias tell me other terminology alternatives aren’t good enough or stress that phobia-terminology is so commonly used that we can’t and shouldn’t consider changing it. When I write posts about this, as I have many times on my personal blog, nobody listens. I am told, explicitly and implicitly, to just bear my discomfort and alienation so everyone else can keep on talking. Using these specific words is deemed more important than my safe participation in my own communities, even though I also have things to say about the hate and antagonism wielded at us.

You’ve probably noticed that I’ve tagged for this usage as #ableist language advisory. I also use words like “aromisia” and “aro antagonism” in my own writing. I don’t want to bog the blog down in conversations about this, so I won’t comment on asks or reblogged posts that include this word--I do feel that will make people anxious about communicating, and that isn’t my intent here. However, my alienation from this word is such that, after a couple of days of seeing it all over my dash, I can’t not say anything, either.

I know it won’t be easy to change conversations away from phobia-terminology. I’m not asking for perfection, because I know how ingrained the habit is. I’ve had to break it myself! I’m just asking for the attempt, so that more reblogged posts and community discussion pieces don’t associate my mental illness with experiences of hate that do me damage as an aro and a-spec.

Thank you so much for reading, and thank you for your understanding.