#mistahj

Blooper...

After the scene I caused and getting tubed, there was a mandatory session with the one and only Dr. Nely.

“This place is insane” Joker states.

I then repeat “This place… is insane”

Nely just refuses to break eye contact with me. “Is it because of the force-feeding situation?”

“I said I would eat alone”

“But you didn't.”

I hate it when he counter-argues, it irritates me as I don't even want to be here, I don't even belong here. I need to just carry on and play along until I can get out.

“I just feel sick, I haven't eaten in a while this is all just a bit too much, this place is overwhelming”

He finally breaks eye contact, looking down at his papers, taking notes. I enjoy the few seconds without the doctor's glare where I can look at J with irritation in my eyes, begging for help. Dr. Nely looks back up, and I look at him.

“When did you stop eating? You don’t just ‘not eat in a while’ to the point that you end up here”

Fuck your interrogation.

“I have just been very busy this year trying to get back on my feet”

“With restricting”

I need to get out of this.

“I didn’t restrict”

“Miss (y/n) you were hiding food in your room, your father saw it, full plates of food”

I am in confusion, J was meant to eat it, to keep him alive. I glance quickly at him.

“I thought you ate it” I whisper under my breath.

“What?” The doctor catches me out

“Nothing, nothing i-”

I need to recollect myself and think of a good point. Think, y/n. Why would a normal girl hide food in her room?

“I have a habit of not finishing food when I get full, I don’t want my dad to be upset because he will think I don't like his cooking.”

Fantastic, wouldn’t want to hurt my dad. I love him after all.

“You only just moved in with your father, bet it must be hard doing things alone now”

What the fuck.

“What do you mean”

“We aren’t going to pretend that you did not get abducted”

I froze and there was silence. It was not an abduction. The Joker, he saved me from human trafficking. If he did not buy me some other dirty reptile would have taken me and done worse. At least the Joker humanized me even in such a dehumanizing experience.

“You guys were ‘attached by the hip’ so to say. Did everything together, shared everything together. A car, a bed, a room, a house, even a bathroom”

Why does he act as he knows us? I see J lean over giving a glare to the doctor, analyzing him, as if the doctor was prey.

“What’s your point?” I asked

“You guys shared and did everything together, and it was all gone with the blink of an eye. How did you carry on and do everything after the accident? Like getting back into school.”

“I just did it.”

He then took notes. As he looked down, I look at my J, feeling trapped, I need him now more than ever. The doctor looks up and continues to stare at me, analyzing me. Not in an animalistic way, but to catch my bluff.

“Is the accident where everything started to get complicated? The final straw that drove you into restriction?”

“What?-” I try to counter argue the doctor, but J is raging.

“He thinks he knows us, y/n” J growls.

“I was not restricting!” I need to defend us.

“Then why were you hiding the food?”

“I was not-” I would have completed my sentence but J cuts me off.

“Don't justify yourself” J reassured me.

“Is there something that tells you to hide the food? A voice that tells you to starve, a voice that tells you to do things, when to run, when to go to bed, when you should eat?

“What?” I am flabbergasted. I cannot keep this up anymore.

“Is there a voice that tells you not to eat?”

“Is he fucking kidding me?” J asks visibly irritated.

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Most people with an eating disorder describe a voice in their head, tells them not to eat, and even instructs them to and to not do other things in their everyday life.” Shit.

“I don’t have an eating… I don’t have a problem with food!”

“But it's not about food is it? It's about control. Do you feel out of control?”

Control…

Where did I last hear that?

I’m starting to get a flashback.

I wake up and I see lights moving and these people all around me, which are all dressed like paramedics. In the distance I can see my dad talking to a doctor, I can only hear him briefly. I'm getting restrained to the bed by the paramedics as I try to escape.

"DAD?"

He's not turning around.

"DADDY?" I scream, he won't look around, and I can hear him and the doctor.

"Why is she doing this to herself?"

"It's about control."

I am trying to fight the paramedics holding me down, and J isn't with me.

"J!" I scream

"JAAAAAYYYY!" I am damaging my vocal cords at this point and a paramedic injects something into my arm, and I'm slowly drifting out of consciousness.

“Y/n?” Dr. Nely snaps me out of it.

“Yes I do get stressed out and sometimes I get scared”

“Because of the accident?”

“No because of everything.”

“When you feel stressed or scared, what helps? What do you turn to?”

J interrupts before I can answer. “Y/n! I want to go, and I want to got NOW”

“I want to go home,” I say to the doctor in the softest voice possible, trying to get sympathy points.

“You can go home when you eat.”

He is really starting to bug me.

“You aren’t hungry,” J says to me.

“I AM NOT that hungry” I repeat.

“Your body will give out on you” The doctor states, in a way to try and shock me.

“He’s lying,” J says.

“Your organs will shut down, your muscles will eat away at itself until there is nothing else”

J gets up and says “Stop it”

“Not even your life”

“He’s lying y/n, now let's go!” J raises his voice at me.

I cannot go home at this moment, so I need to settle for the next best thing, the privacy of my hospital bedroom.

“I want to go back to my room”

“You are free to go when you like”

I get up with J and walk to the door. I open it, but before exiting the interrogation, the doctor says something that stops me in my tracks.

“It seems like the Joker loved you very much, and you loved him back. What do you think he would say if he saw you in here?”

I look at J into his blue eyes, which would always give me an escape and reassurance. But even now, he did not know what to do or how to respond. We just continue to walk away together.

The day passes. I spend the entire day in my room, with J, barely saying anything, just sitting together enjoying the rare amount of privacy we get. I didn’t even follow the regular cigarette routine with Tatijana. I just sat there on my own.

By the time it came to the evening, J was on my bed drifting away to sleep. I stroke his green hair out of his face, and rub his head to give him comfort as he sleeps.

“J” I whisper, I need to hear his voice before I drift off, just to know that I am ok, that I am safe, what he is with me.”

“What, kitten?” He replies in a tired groggy voice.

“Nothing, I love you.” I quickly whisper.

“Love you too, pumpkin.” We sleep facing each other, with my hand underneath his face, our foreheads touching as we both drift away knowing for a fact that when we both wake up, the first thing we will do is look into each other's eyes.

I wake up and J is not there, so I get out of bed to walk to the living room to see if he might be hanging out there, out of pure instinct. The hospital light is dim, but as I walk to the living room the lights do get brighter.

I enter and I see J sitting there, and there is a sound of a heart monitor beeping in the background. I sit down across him.

“Don’t tell anyone I’m here” He says.

“It’s ok, you have me”

“But we promised, y/n,” He said to me, and as he did, a burn mark appeared on the side of his face.

“Promise what?” I stutter and I am scared.

“When we die-” His teeth start falling out his mouth, “We die together”.

I remember, that day when we promised.

I approach him and fall onto my knees in front of him.

“J I’m sorry”

The heart monitor starts beeping at a faster rate.

His puts his finger under my chin. His nose flattens against his face, completely broken, with blood pouring out.

“Remember.”

Then I relive the moment again.

 "If we die, we die together" he adds on.

I find comfort in this.

"Promise?" I ask.

"Promise."

I go back to sleep as J plays with my hair.

I am now back His neck then snaps and his head rests on his shoulder almost detached, and his skin color turns even more pale, almost translucent, his eyes remaining open.

“Promise me,” he says.

His body cracks as his limbs twist and break. My breathing becomes more shallow and I start having a panic attack. I remember the last time I saw him like this.

His body becomes mangled, blood covers his face and strands of green hair rest on his face as he slowly becomes lifeless. The monitor is beeping rapidly now. So rapid I am now hyperventilating

“Y/n, why?” he whispers, as he passes away, eyes open and unresponsive. Unrecognizable. What struck me the most was the grin he gave me. That God awful grin, I want to scream.

The heart monitor flatlines. That's when I last saw him like that, the accident.

I try to run away towards the door, but when I open it, a purple Lamborghini is rushing towards me, headlights almost blinding me, and I hear a loud beep.

That's when I wake up. I am sweating all over. I can’t take this anymore. I was unable to sleep, so I go to the corner of my room and rock back and forth until the sun came out. J is not here with me, did I lose him? Is he gone for good?

I could use Jokers absence to come clean to get discharged so I can keep my promise to him in peace.

I look at the time and its 5 am.

I wait until it the time is 8 am when Dr. Nelly enters the building. I rush down the hallways and slam open his door on the verge of having a panic attack.

“Dr. Nelly, I do need to talk to you!” I say in a shaky voice.

“What's wrong?” he asks.

I turn around from the door and say “I’m just scared that-”

There he is, the Joker, in perfect shape sitting on the spare seat next to the one I usually sit on, as if he is waiting for me.

“Hey, baby. Come on, y/n. Tell him what he wants to hear”