Feminine just means, âof the female.â When we let men decide what it means to be female, then âfemininityâ requires the disfiguring practices listed by OP here. It looks like whatever men want or need from us in order to exploit our labor and reproductive capabilities, our sexual and emotional services, our capacity for ego-building their weak selves, etc. So it can mean chemicals spread over our sense organs, shoes not shaped for human feet, corsets, footbinding, FGM, labiaplasty, deference, homemaking, standing by your man, nurturing, being âthe rock of this family,â and fill in the blankâwe are all-purpose, we are cast as Mommy and expected to be anything and everything, willing service with a smile, and a catch-all for projected (often sexualized) fear, shame, and hatred. Physical labor, emotional labor, sexual labor, reproductive laborâand the ways we mark ourselves accordingly to show we know our place in their order of thingsâare deemed âfeminine.â
When we let men decide who we are, the idea they give us about âfemininityââabout what women are likeâwill be a lie. Now I know that we have been using shorthandâfor example, the idea of âfemale masculinityâ as a shorthand for âwomen who are considered [by male standards] to be mannish.â Or, âIâm feminine and I donât understand why radical feminists are against the way I am.â Shorthand for, âThe way I am more or less falls within the lines that are considered socially acceptable for women under male rule, but I am still oppressed as a woman.â But letâs remember that this IS shorthand. When we naturalize âfemininityâ (or âmasculinityâ) as defined by men, we go directly to Gender Identity Funland.
So I get that these terms are useful as shorthandâbecause yes, it makes a big difference socially whether you are a woman who is perceived to draw inside the lines, or a woman who is perceived as assuming male prerogatives or who is perceived as a credible threat to the way men have defined our understanding of the nature of being male versus female. And men are not the only ones acting out these ideasâwomen will Other each other very cruelly for not being âfeminine.â But itâs still male-defined âfeminineâ that we are talking about. Even when its rules are enforced by other women, they come from men.
My generation and after have been really big on âreclaimingâ a lot of words that are better left dead (slut, bitch, queer) and that were not ever ours to begin with. I would rather we reclaim the word âfeminineâ and let it mean what it literally means: âOf the female.â âFeminine pronounsâ are not pronouns that like to wear dresses. They are not pronouns for femmes or [patriarchally-defined] feminine people. They are female pronouns. Pronouns to denote that the person you are referring to is female. Did you ever wonder why pads are called âfeminine napkins?â Why period supplies in general are âfeminine hygiene?â It doesnât mean pink frilly hygiene. It doesnât mean tampons with eyeliner wings so sharp they could kill. It means female-specific hygiene. There is absolutely no good reason to let âfeminineâ mean anything more than that. The only reason it means more than that now, is because men have successfully sold the idea that wearing heels, for example, is as inherently a part of being female as menstruation is. The only reason it means more than simply âfemale-specific,â is that men hate women. Here are some things that are female-specific experiences, that we could thus call âfeminineâ if we werenât letting men define that word for us: Menstruation Childbearing and nursing Menopause Ovarian or cervical cancer Having cellulite Being a butch woman Being a lesbian Being a sister Here are some experiences that have NOTHING to do with being female and do not make you âfeminineâ aka âlike a womanâ in reality: Being a swishy gay man Wearing dresses and makeup Being a drag queen Having an autogynephilic lactation fetish Removing your body hair Thereâs no âlike a womanâ in the sense that men use it against each other/to describe themselves. Thereâs being a woman, or not being a woman. There is so much resistance to this idea, ironically enough from people who claim to be gender warriors or somehow interested in smashing the binary and thinking outside of the boxes. If it breaks your brain to think that a butch woman can reclaim the word âfeminineâ to describe her own experience instead of allowing men and genderists to naturalize the idea of âfemininityâ as this supposedly inherent state of performing body mods and submissive behaviors to fit a misogynist idealâI donât know what to tell you, but maybe your ideas arenât as radical as you think they are.
