#mintcraft

He feels horrible whenever he puts it like that. But a competition really is what it’s turning out to be, and as the months go by, Vincent becomes aware that other people also see it that way. So many friends are enamoured with his guest; it’s not all about romantic intent, but Vincent won’t understand that until after Sebastian has chosen him. Some seek out Sebastian for knowledge, some seek his friendship, and some are compelled to help him. Why, in at least one case, Sebastian has inspired a change in spiritual opinion:

…

Yes, like that! Vincent has known no silence heavier than the one Gaspard kept last Christmas, when Sebastian’s beauty was exulted above that of God - and Gaspard made as if to speak, paused, then turned away without protest. What’s one man meant to do with a situation like this? Here is Vincent, by definitions an ordinary man; there is his guest, a youth so unearthly beautiful that not even a servant of God can debate it. So many people want Sebastian’s love and there’s only one of him to go around. How can he not perceive this as a competition, and - fundamentally - how can he not compare himself to others, knowing so well just how much he lacks? All around him are familiar faces, now twisted into fierce competitors, overwhelming in their adoration: How beautiful you are, Sebastian, there is no one in the world quite as beautiful, be mine!

Yes, he will admit it, he is a jealous man! - The thought of Sebastian’s departure strikes Vincent as a loss, his departure for a different hearth a surrender, and Vincent wasn’t raised a quitter. By day he tries hard, as does all their friends, gifting Sebastian all the warmth and stability he has to give. It’s his luck this turns out to be what Sebastian needs the most; when Sebastian finally chooses him as his own, Vincent will be afflicted with a sense of superiority over their friends that he will never quite lose until his dying day.

Yet at night the fear sets in. Not every night, but enough nights to keep him awake and afraid. Just about everything Vincent dislikes about himself comes flooding back then, all his wasted time and regrets and mistakes; he is not so much afraid Sebastian will discover them, more so that Sebastian might become one of them, because he can’t see any way out of that. Part of him is always wary that one day he will reach too high (beauty beyond God - of humanity - of morality - of the good!) and his hands will burn, and that he will sink, and perish in the ice-cold sea as Sebastian indifferently looks on.

And the worst thing is: Vincent would still do it all over again. To not do so would have meant to walk away that wintry evening, leaving a traumatized Sebastian to freeze to death on that bench, never to encounter one another again.