#minnesotacold

The title of this entry is not an eggageration. My parents actually fear that I am going to freeze to death in Minnesota. Every time I speak to them on the phone, the weather becomes the main topic of choice, and it’s always “oh it’s pretty cold up there,” or “wow looks like you’re going to get some snow up there pretty soon.” Yep thank you for informing me. I was expecting low 80s today.

Even though they both grew up, up north (New Jersey and Massechusetts), they make the Minnesota cold seem like some unfathomable idea (maybe it is). My dad was shocked to hear that they still expect us to come in for work when it’s negative 11 outside. It’s not like I’m a farmer or have some job that requires me to be outside for more than 5 minutes total per day (and that’s to get in and out of my car).

I also told them how I had to use my snow/ice scraper for the first time and I could just see their faces full of fear through the phone. I won’t even dare to tell them about how I couldn’t feel my hands for 15 minutes when I stupidly chose not to wear gloves once.

Don’t even get me started on how they feel about Hank dealing with the cold. They’re 20x worse than me when it comes to worrying about him. They ask how he likes it and I tell them that he doesn’t enjoy taking a shit in below 0 weather and they think the immediate answer is to get him “potty pads” to put in my apartment so he can take a dump and pee inside. FUCK NO. I feel for him, and when it gets insanely cold (which I know it will), I may consider this, but I have a big problem condoning using the bathroom in my apartment. He already loves to leave me little presents at least once a week to spite me for leaving him during the day, I’m not going to give him an excuse to do it. Maybe I’ll change my tune on this, but I’m holding strong for now.

Today I told them about a crazy wind storm we had the other night and how I thought Hank was going to fly away when I let him outside to pee before bed. I was laughing when I told them this because it actually was pretty funny, and the idea of Hank flying in the air is fucking hilarious (as long as he lands safely). Well they DID NOT think this story was funny. They were very concerned that it was so windy and that Hank had to endure that…..I’m rolling my eyes.

Now on a serious note, their concern is not unwarrented. I have heard stories of people who have died in the cold or have come very close. Most of the stories have to do with people being wasted, walking home, getting locked out, and passing out outside. The cold is brutal and it is not something to mess around with, but as long as Uber remains in business, I don’t think I have to worry about this. (I’m going to write a post about my love for Uber coming up). I think I’m just going to buy a ski mask, start wearing it everywhere and try to make it trendy.