#mini epiphany

Multicultural church- I think part of the intensity of the longing for one can be attributed to my desire to just understand these people of different races. I pride myself as a loving liberal in terms of discrimination and prejudice, but I know that this has been a very deliberately attained position. I do not doubt others, but I admit there is resentment for their success. I have racism in me and I know that it is inherently stronger than I ever want to honestly acknowledge. This is why I need a different space, a different city, a new church demographic. I don’t think it comes from any ill place inside my heart, but more that subconsciously, I was put into this role as the smart, well-rounded, sweet Christian Asian girl, and while I never found reason to complain before, this identity is revealing itself as suffocating now. I envy others that can own a trait I feel like I already signed my name onto. I feel like if I and other Asians were to bear this stereotype, then others should respect that and back the fuck off. That if this box was one society wanted to place me in, the least society could do is to honor that limitation and reserve it for me/us. This is backwards and wrong, of course, but the slyness in which it managed to survive is only looking at me now. And so I am racist, I realize now I must own up to it if I am to combat it. I don’t want to believe that a white person can be smarter than me, I don’t want to believe that a white person can be more Christian than me, which is a ridiculous notion trust me I know, but that is what my brain likes to tell itself and that is what I am fighting.Individually, it is natural to admire. But as a population? I don't want to acquiesce. It is a very active acceptance of others I occasionally find myself in possession of, and I wish I could say the realization was enough for me to crush it immediately but it’s not- it’s still a case by case battle but I promise I am fighting. 

That’s the gist of the entire conversation we had. It was such a blessing to meet her and now she’s like an older sister to me. It’s odd how things work out. But those simple words stood out like a sore thumb. “Be excellent.” I need to become excellent in my craft. What does it mean to be excellent? What is my craft? Do I even know? Another thing I was super blessed by, is that this sister is a Christian. She’s actually my sister. Perhaps that’s why I instantly felt a close connection with her when I picked her up from the airport. Anyways, she said that the artists that were excellent... that they were created and designed by God to do what they do. They took the craft God gave them and they perfected it. The made their craft excellent. I want to do that.

Every single thing in my life.. I’ve become good at. Nursing, singing, violin, piano, muay thai, badminton, school? LOL! .. but never excellent. I never chose a craft to become excellent in and focus all of my energy on. Perhaps you ask “what about nursing? you dedicated 4.5 years of your life!”... true, but to be honest, I’ve never even done a full reading... for any of my courses.. Somehow, I’ve lasted this long and I’ve gotten by. That’s what I do. I just.. get by. But I don’t want that anymore. I want to become excellent and let people see me and go like “WOW God created Charis to do -blah-!!!” You know!? I want to excel in one of the gifts God has given me and glorify Him through it. 

That pep talk was definitely needed. Be excellent. Be the best that God has designed you to be. Don’t be content with mediocrity in your craft or in the gifts God has given you. I’m not saying that you should prioritize it and only live and breath it... still be humble. Love the Lord and walk in a way that is pleasing to Him.. but don’t let the gifts He’s given you waste away either. Do the most that you can with them so He can be ultimately glorified. 

Thank you, God <3 

Not even get my shit together, just be happy with what i've got. I've spent this whole year dwelling on the things I hate about myself and about my life but why? It's proved itself unproductive and completely destructive, look at me. I have turned into a fat, unhappy, mopey, self pitying person.. i've managed to give myself personality traits that I despise. I'm heading down the path of turning into the person I loathe the most.. my mum. She doesn't have any conviction and that's what i'm turning into, wanting something so bad but not having the control or determination to strive for it. 

I can't wait to change, I can feel it in my bones.. No more self pitying, pick yourself up and be who you want to be. This isn't just another half-hearted epiphany Julia, this is the time when you change yourself for the better and then you can look back and be legitimately proud of yourself. This year you wasted on being all 'woe-is-me' but it changes, this year is going to be good, wait.. fuck that. The rest of my life is going to be good.

THE MORE YOU HAVE, THE MORE YOU WANT (BUT NOT NECESSARILY NEED).