#mineallmine

😍🥰😍

I love you so very much; being all yours makes every single day feel like a birthday & Halloween & Winter Solstice, all in one!

I'm unbelievably lucky you're mine too. I can't wait for all the soft tenderness & loving hurt from you, my mine all mine x

I think crap might be my favorite swear, that and the presumptuous ‘shit’. keeping track today? finishing the bowl from yesterday.

Went to skate last night, showed up and was totally out of my leugue and it was packed.  The people that I did know (2) were skating like big boys and I am a baby, in all sense of the word.  My greatest feat last night was cutting across the park to join our small group.  Everyone acknowledged my walk across (for those whose path I was crossing).  No being invisible there.  

Sometimes if there is really talking ‘in confidence’ anymore.  The world is weirdly interconnected, where sharing is relating, the more you share the more you relate.  What a weird world.  I always think of Daria’s Sick Sad World, what an appropriate name. 

What if we project our sickness?

One thing I hate about america is our single use culture.  It caters to our lifestyle in such a backward way. singular is for efficiency,but no one only wants 1 dollar.

right now my favorite item in our kitchen is chili pepper infused honey.  It’s dumb that this is a product on a shelf and not just a recipe. Such a weird culture. I’ll take one single use infused honey, thank you.  I have infused honey with ginger, and another root before.

Skate park last night sucked, at least I got out there and saw that I’m going to have to scope out a time when no one is there.  I talked to the uber driver about it, citing my folly of taking a car there only to take one directly back.  He advised me that I need to just go and do it, ‘you are there for skateboarding, not them’ and ‘Just get in line, everyone has their turn’, which he was definitely right about turn taking but when you can’t do an ollie yet, you probably don’t have that much business being in a semi-packed skate park with no basic learners.  I don’t have those kinds of balls yet.

One thing that people don’t tell you is that life is work, well, maybe that has become a relatively new trend.  As sympathetic creatures, with advancing technology, any maintenance to the body seems to be a yoke among the shoulders. And I spent a hard time ignoring all those maintenance lights as they blink, weirdly too often for my taste.  My day’s response is, “again?” Sometimes I hope this is the grand stationing of my Saturn in my chart.  In that line of thought, i think I do realize it will take dedication of my whole life to get where I want to be or some vague notion of that.  That’s the one dream that is keeping me on this uphill battle.  It’s only been an uphill battle because the people who I loved and my work was devoted to was not acknowledge as a possible path. 

 1.) questioning of my skills 2.) disapproving of my subject of interest.

I did what I could with what they gave me, if they wanted me to be something else they should have actually spent time with (not at) me, like a parent does with their child. Maybe investing time to empower and encourage me in my struggles, how about just taking time to know my struggles.  Their marriage was a bigger thing to focus on though. So distracting that I started working on the problem, and maybe my hate of it all made me drive them farther apart. Whatever, after my mom told me that she had my siblings after she decided she wasn’t going to have a, “spoiled brat for an only child”.  Funny enough she acts like she didn’t get what she wanted, looking for me to be the brat she is subjected to.  Class act.    I won’t feed any of her desires, and I won’t be her savior. I tried everything and all she did was get meaner.  

And we have a lot of anger in our family.

The best thing I could really do is just let everything she does or says bounce off of me and laugh, but it takes a very strong person to not let an intelligent, tenacious and bored mother get under your skin.  I need to be rock solid, and on top of all that, I can’t be caught off guard by seeing her age.  Old people (although cute and innocent looking) are still the same people. I have a great admiration for older women too.  I need to become something I admire, but when I think of that I just see her clamping onto me like some kind of parasite and using my achievement to hurt herself with.  literally no way to win, that why I left, I don’t want to be competitive with her, I’m not trying to be, I’m just trying to live my life without her destroying it out of jealousy.

Onto the second bowl.  I have work at 4:30.  I hope its with my collab coworker, who I did/do have a crush on (yay, for feelings at a distance), his gf is awesome (probably more awesome, don’t tell him I said that). eh they are both cool.  Anyways I get along with him the most out of my coworkers, that and my manager but manager/friend is definitely more particular than me.  Which I could probably keep up to pretty well. It’d go like this;

He’d be on task, and I’ll let him know to keep certain chores to the side for myself.

I’m not a slacker but I get things done as I see fit to,  Most times I plant my feet into the ground when people are anxiously doing stuff.

Just went into a mental rabbit hole of astrology.  I was just thinking about my grand air trine and it’s ruler Saturn. I have a pretty interesting chart.

That just drained so much of my energy by only getting distracted in one of my favorite hobbies. I just realized I was resting my toe weird and now it feels weird, except I don’t know where.... oh wait, now i know where I was resting it.  It’s comfy, it’s the edge of my magazine rack. Is this what it is to be distracted? Embarrassment also turns my mind inward, my reaction was to talking about astrology and wanting to switch topics. Four more hours.

You know that feeling when your doing something and you wondered why you spent valuable time like this watching T.v?  My excuses never cut it, maybe they should.  To not take action is almost a sin in my book, and I’m it’s main offender.  Not sure if it stemmed from a positive outlook. Did I tell you that my family had cps called on them?  I wasn’t invited to the family interview, and I wasn’t told about it until way later. I still can’t get over it because I don’t know if it was legit, and I am absolutely pissed I wasn't interviewed because I have had some things to say.  What I would have said, would it have had worse implications than the family deciding to let her drink herself to death (her own interest). What a weird way to go.  Shes the one who ultimately wants to be the literal skeleton in our family.  What do you even do with that? Maybe I can call an elderly abuse number... I’m not sure if that is better, but it’s change, some kind of implication. I want her to see her actions in a new light.  such a great idea, I almost texted someone about it and gave them the emotional burden of researching it.  I think this is why I make for a good art critic, I hold the artist emotionally responsible for their work.

I think the worst part of this issue I had with my parents is that they didn’t leave me alone at college and that they gave me their first observation of my life and their thoughts of is trajectory.  Welling going to school for business isn’t really that specific, but it was enough for me to double back and get stuck plowing through what I thought I wanted.  Then I had to re-access who I even thought I was.  You want to fuck someone over, more specifically if you want me to be fucked over, this is how you do it.  Luckily I don’t have anymore intense connections that could shake everything like that again, but maybe only color it.  

Like most people I forget to drink water all the time, first of all I’m not thirsty until i am very thirsty and second, there are only so many oasisi in the desert of the mind. You have to create them. I should give myself a rolls-royce , I know why I want it (perceived luxury, name and riches) and that’s why I’d have it in a non-functioning environment, like sand dunes.  Maybe give it some skis.....  How do I not want the riches, when that’s the only reason I have some back to live in the city. Actually I want the friend’s, that’s why I’m in the city.  I want to make the friends, make the collabs, make the connections, make the money, make the change, empower.  

soon