crypt keep

Having an educational focus is what helped me escape all those home feelings.  Life sucked, my family selfish. But really distant and unhappy. My job is an artist, but it was the marriage of balancing emotions and something I could focus on. Also something that couldn’t be taken away. Its almost like art was Linda's blind spot.  Or something she couldn’t take away because it would mean getting rid of her things too.  Shot herself in the foot on that one. 

Whenever I’m around someone like that I feel I need to be seen working.  

who cares. I did fun stuff today.  That’s probably why I’m brooding.  I should be enjoying my off time, cause I had other things pop up instead of studio.  All this anxiety for nothing.

I think what being a girl actually means is being told, “you can’t do that” to any self fulfilling activities.  Being trained to be a woman, means your life is not your own, it is only for another.  There is no self worth cultivated in the emotional depths besides sacrifice and martyrism.  That’s is a trauma that I could see to be out of date but still persisting in society.  Leaving women’s needs and wants, those pursuits in a child-like intellectual state.  The bratty women that society puts on pedestals, ugg-booted and basic, their direction filled by men in their life and never shown to be cultivated in their own, only outwardly provided.  While child-like men run around pushing their emotional cruelty because they don’t understand the repercussions without the emotional guidance and safe guarding of a mother.  The world feels run by children most times, running around in adult suits.  They demand of you to respect elders,  but more often than not those people never have found the footing that comes with it. Standing in the river of life, is it not about how to put ones roots down?

Dreamt that I was singing and songwriting.  “Baby, there were times they said theyd make a writer out of you, I wish I know if that were true,” was the last verse I remember before waking up.  It reminds me of something I would say to my younger self looking at the education system wondering if I would really learn what they had to teach or I would just be pushed by.  I kept have flashing moments of me trying to connect my chart placements in this experience; I seem to never stop working.

I’m an angry person. The only way I see as a viable and productive way to express it is in art.  But that is the one spot that I keep running into road block.  It may be my mood rendering me useless, or my lack of knowledge to create a piece, or just the lack of space.  How about the difficulties of filing taxes for fine art? The worst part is I never let my self feel my anger for too long without going straight to the silver-lining.  This is good for some people but for me... That’s bullshit that I was trained to do to prevent me from ever expressing how I felt.  I wasn’t allowed to be mad or angry or sad.  That would make me ugly and a brat.  Jesus Christ, I have so much childhood to untangle and all i feel is this power grinding me into the dirt. Just because I don’t have a proper outlet to express myself.  Words don’t even work because I don’t feel heard, therapy sory of works but I hate the pity and empathy, I want to show the pain.  The mental and physical anguish of expression stifled.

I feel like I wont pull in the same direction because the same spot was rubbed raw.  It’s been hard not to see reality as punishment that I deserve, self-flagellation in some respects out of never knowing how to have better.  Technically, the life I live now is what my home life was except I got rid of the raging alcoholic/narcissistic parasite.  I hate the word ‘vicarious’ now for so many reasons, I hate when I use it, I wish I could wipe it out from existence. 

Now really is when i start building my life. No one knows how exhausted I am though. I just want to make art so people can see my pain.  So I feel validated in my experience.  That it was not for nothing and that I will not have to let this energy tear me apart piece by piece.  Maybe I should look up historical murders and start drawing them.I want create pieces of passion.

3/18

moon conj pluto in capricorn today.  Started off with deleteing 7000 photos off my phone, moving them onto proper storage on my removable hard drive. Along with the rest of my photos from all my old phones.  I really get into that archeiving mode when this task roles around.  Hkas me dreaming about having a studio with a big computer mac screen going through and cataloguing all my photos, that will be the day, nice natural light, flatfiles, large drafting table thats 12ft long.  Yup.  Dreams, it’s what I’m working towards. One day it will happen, until then, only variations.

Designing a smaller bed for myself. Can’t wait for that to happen because it reflects my desire to share my bed with no one, and also that I want space efficiency. I just need my room to also operate as a studio.  I would like this bed to use rope too for the body of it, I have so many ideas.  I can’t wait until I become unstoppable. The older I grow the more i master self sufficiency, and am able to apply it to my craft and immediate environment. 

Changed my fish’s tank around yesterday, its becoming very pretty, I should see if I can plant some grass among the substrate at the bottom, but I think I may need to move him into a holding tank while i completely restructure. It’d be easy enough to have two aquariums where they are now. It would also fix my snail population; I’m currently battling an invasion of pond snails and I can’t tell you how annoying they are.  Deciding to revamp his tank would help take care of that, plus It could be nice to build him a temp tank, so by the end of it I would have designed 3 tanks. I also would like to switch to a sand substrate as the topper on my dirt. I guess I may start snooping for an alternate holding tank. I just want to fix this snail problem. The assassin snail I even got is lazy as fuck.

As for other news, still under the corona lockdown.  Got rejected from a remote transcribing job.  My hours are down to 4 hours per week from 25ish. I can take the hit but I should seriously consider jumping the hurdles for food stamps... which I could have been on for a very long time. But sometimes you don’t feel valid enough for it, so instead I burned through most of my saved money, not my wisest action, but at least I got that learning curve out of the way.  Now that I am starting to get serious about trying to live by myself , I’m going to need to take a few actions towards cleaning up my sloppy-ish budget.  Also need to file under self-employment and register all my supply expenses.  Maybe I move, and this space becomes my studio?

 So much work to be done.  I always have such big ideas, but most times I’m weighted down by depression and emotional baggage, which I really need to shed and I think I’m on my way.  Although I am considering talking to my therapist about adhd, because the focus does my moods wonders but I am intense about reliance.  I don’t like the idea of relying on things outside myself and rather take the hard way, I have the mental stamina for it and I’m determined to do a few things over a bleaker existence. I just don’t want to end up like my parents, constantly enabling their bad habits and not relinquishing coping methods that no longer have a function.  Funny thing is they think I a failing at life, which is really funny because I’m just fine. They think I can’t survive without them, they even threatened me with this point. Bitch, I have been living without you when I lived with you.  Go get your own life, stop trying to leech mine with your worry because you can’t believe that I was ever capable of being a functional human being.  My god do they need therapy.  Really I don’t think I will ever feel fully safe until I move to live in another country.  Another point on my checklist. I figure I’ll be able to make that move by 40.

3/9

As a a friend said, most-likely directly refering to me-- I have been dropped like a very bad habit. I guess it’s true, in multiple senses. I want to say, maybe your not their whole life, so if you fall to the wayside for a time being, don’t take it so personally and take the same time to be independently productive in your own space.  

I told them, gave them specific warning that I was buckling down, but boo hoo it’s still my fault.  I hate emotional connections with people because all of the sudden your some kind of object/focus that another feels like they possess.  I do it too, but I have been working to really cut this quality, and above all I believe the greatest form is letting go.  Remind’s me of the speech made in David Lynch’s Lucky, revolving around a pet tortoise.  The owner of the pet tortoise is in grif about the disappearance of the pet from his yard but by the end he comes to terms with the turtle leaving.  Realizing the turtle took great care in his escape and that if that’s what he wanted then it was fine, the character decides to just let his yard gate open in case the pet ever wants to return, declaring the love is letting them go and being okay with that.  I butchered it a little but it’s a little too much to track the whole speech down, it is not popping up on google.

God, honestly fuck her.  they have also said some pretty mean things to me in the past, but I’m not one to really speak up right now. And honestly even making that statement makes me feel like I need to back track and cover my ass because I feel like some how she will see this even though basically there is now way in hell I’d share this blog with anyone in my life. this is just supposed to be an anon send into the world of the internet.

All the virus talk is bothering me because I have been in public a little more than usual during this cold snap.  This woman is eating a dumpling while recieving a violent war feed on the movie I watching.  I wonder what how the actor feels when they act key parts of their characters personality.  I wonder how people really cast characters.  It’s like looking for the perfect match, movies are the ideal universe.  A creative dimension where we have complete control, so how much frustration is there with actors?

I don’t know how I feel bout this movie. but It’s in the background, we will see how strong my will is.  

Queer skate was canceled tonight because of the weather.  Very cold, and very windy.  Ended up venturing out today despite the weather, visited my friend’s kittens, did some art, and continued on to a art supply resale store.  Haven’t rode the bus in a while so I took one, but it turns out the store moved there location.  I had to make a walk a little off but I ended up getting there in a timely matter.  When I got there, I was particularly interested in a travel easel but it turned out to be purchased, funny enough, earlier that day.  This movie is creepy.  Very weird, and sort of too violent for me.  I’m really not into modern warfare.  It makes me uncomfortable how deadly our tactics and practices have become.  That and it just being a movie with a good amount of white guys.  this is dumb, emotional conversations is distracting.  

Why am I still watching this.  oh well.  I need to find something stronger to keep my attention.... so what else... I have the option to build a plate for the eatery that I work for.  Still thinking about ingredients. Tomorrow there is a career fair at my college so I am going to check that out.  I need to print out my resume, now that I have a printer, my life is so much easier, but I think it will help if I just goof off in there interviews.  Just to loosen up around these job hunting experiences, because I am pretty apathetic about it all.  After that I have PLRT with a guidance teacher of mine.  I am super excited about this.  

I have been basically counting down the days till this experience while also not trying to build it up too much out of fear of disappointment,  But I have Have done it by myself and have enjoyed that greatly, so I could imagine I would enjoy it under the personalized guidance by another.  I want to look into my current life.  God this movie is so horrible.  The dialogue is only catching when it is off the hand vulgar. and violent, right after. dumb. not creative, I should say.

I got my ear piercings back in, a friend gifted me some cute and simple tasteful sets.  woof. and homosexuality driven violence.  what ever.

Is this what movie goers get off on? I guess.  Not my type of show but I already knew that before I clicked it. this is so damn dumb.

Continuing.  Got somethings instead of the easel at the art store.  A roll of paper, vine charcoal, some design pencils, a pocket apron, small medium dishes for painting, a piece of glass for a pallet, two big black and white photo prints, 11 assorted photos taken post 2000 and picture frames for a few of them.  All the photos I picked are scenes I felt like I could insert myself in.

god this movie.  I set all the photos in the frames but haven’t hung them on the wall, I figured I would wait until later to do that.  It is the fun part.  Maybe after PLRT tomorrow.  This is such a shitty movie.

dumb. movie.

2/20/20 ....appropriate timing, I do love my two’s

Haven’t written in a while, but I feel like it is usual for me to drop the ball every so often.  Off to be distracted by another thing.  So I have been distracted about a number of things, but I know I have room for them in my schedule.  I end up sitting, not really being able to decide on what I really want to do rather than just go out, do the thing I want to do and come back and get on with my life.  Like skateboarding.

So I haven’t went skateboarding yet today but maybe later, I travel to my local park to play on it, and that’s a good walk/ride away.  I have been dreaming about playing on the curbs because I just started being able to ollie while moving, so curbs are next.

I started having friends sit for me for some portraiture work.  It is helping me get my art back under wraps and my confidence too.  The portraiture is okay but it has a ways to go, my renditions, are what what i like to say.... very watery, and need to be dried out first.  Most of this is just getting my eyes under control.  Also control over drawing what you see and not what you think you see, which is difficult and takes a good amount of self control.  

Still trying to figure out music things, because I haven’t had much luck figuring out ableton yet.  But I have found an app to help me learn to read music sheets, so it’s happening slowly.  Haven’t had much time for drums, but lately I have been getting self conscious about making too much sound playing on them.  Which happens from time to time, so this is just another hump to get over but I’m excited to see how far I have come playing them at the year point in July. 

Just gaining self-confidence back in a number of things.

Started therapy earlier this month, just finished my third session.  It’s been good to just air(e) out all my grievances in front of someone and have them validated.  That’s all I want, to be validated because I was told that I didn’t know what I was doing at a very intense point and it made me invalid. 

Started some skeletal structure for a vase that I may wrap and prep in plaster, to be carved into.  It’s a sculptural for from some writing I did and a continuation of some drawings, with a added spin by changing the shape into an amphora.  We will see if I can make the reed be a proper structure for the base of this object.

Other than that my therapist wants to see some of my work, and I’m excited to show someone some of the personal work that I have been keeping to myself because the timing, audience wasn’t right. 

The morning is beautiful though.  And I need to schedule an appointment.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for, but maybe just waiting for it to happen already.

Rearranged my room yesterday, thinks are slowly becoming more organized, after twoish years.... three years this summer.  Kinda can’t believe it.  Its the longest I have stayed anywhere in almost 10 years. I have work this morning, it will probably be fine but I wish in congestion would go away, shouldn’t have let the cat in my room.  She got pissed off at me in the end because I wouldn’t let her be in my room AND chew on a plastic bag.  Maybe I should just let her. or I should make a proper cat toy of it so she can stop being such a dick about it and be a cat instead.

going going gone.  Tired morning with all the pressure to everything all at once. This must be that Gemini moon Pisces mercury square in the sky right now.  Now to be realistic, I will probably just stay home until I decide to go to save-alot for my weekly groceries, which are much needed. All I wanted this morning was a bowl of cereal, and all I didn’t get was a bowl of cereal.  Is it too much to how that they carry coconut milk? Maybe I can get the cans of cream and mix it myself.... that would be really cool.  I could just chill and shake in mason jars instead.  That might be the trick! Cross that off my check list.  Although now they have to carry cans of coconut cream.... which they might.  It’d be maybe in the baking aisle?  So besides that, just put my laundry in, my work place can stink up my clothing.  It does have a smell but I think you also have to be distinctly aware of it to really identify it consistently.  I can’t decide if I would want a crush to notice it or not.  In my mind I don’t really smell it, my body odor is worse because I have anxiety sweats.  So most of my laundry is body  odor related but the mindfulness of peoples past complaints about the smell of the work place really sticking to the clothing has been a bolster to wash my laundry regularly.  

Art is going, comics have been good but I may have put a nail in the coffin for my second comic this morning by stating when they could actually expect to see a finished product.  The deadline is not feasible, if I was being paid it would be but on top of it all I’m not too fond of the story line.  So I let them know where I was at and mentioned being paid for an acceptable timed turn out, otherwise the project may be kaput on my end.  The other comic is going great though, I just take it to work on sundays and spend time with it at a cafe on wednesdays.  Seems to work well enough. Maybe in the future for these projects, when I get an idea of my time flow, I will ask for a monthly stipend instead for payment.  That’d be a good arrangement.  I have also been dreaming about water landscaping sculpture.  Maybe I should get in contact with Miki and see if he would still be up to do something like that with me, we could possibly work to get a grant?  

I am all ideas this morning, no wonder I am so tired.  I did manage to sleep last night all the way through, which is usually a feat within itself.  

Trying to decide if I want to smoke right now or not. 

Among other things (chores), I guess today is going to be a fine art day.  I have a new sketch book, the same as my last finished, which is a Holbein F6.  Its a nice book, I do wish they had a hot press version at my local art store.  The cold press mark is, in my opinion, too big for the size of the paper.  It sometimes can create unneeded information, like fuzz or distortion in a blown out picture. What is an artist but their mark?

Made enough in tips yesterday to buy a 25 lb bag of plaster of paris.  I’m learning slowly that the add on technique for this medium, although convenient in the beginning for someone who has been out of practice... there is just too much problem solving and wait time between awkward pour in makeshift barriers.  So money put off to the side, I need to figure out the volume I can cover in a 25 lb bag and build a block mold to pour into, and then carve my piece out of it.  Then it can proceed to get bigger and bigger. 

This project is a throw back to an assignment I had in the beginning of art school for sculpture class.  It went terribly because the tools we were given were terrible options. too bad, because it really could have put my art on a different level, early in the game.  Yes, I still may cry over that spilled milk, but if this works out I am going to have some beautiful pieces on my hands and finally a foot back into an art practice that doesn’t feel mentally grating. Hopefully it will work out for the best but first, math.

Got some clear gesso today.  I need to find a brand that doesn’t add grit to it.  If I wanted to really work to get the right surface for this medium I’d have to apply multiple layers and sand with a fine grit.  I’m not sure how much detail I would lose after X number of layers added on top of the drawing because this gesso does have a opaque quality that could probably create obstructions after a number of layers.

In the long run... I’m going to need to rent a studio.  Not sure when but it will be exciting when I eventually can.

This morning I almost scared myself because I thought my nice headphones stopped being able to pick up charge. Luckily that isn’t the case.  These headphones have really changed a part of my life, I have never had something like them but being able to listen to music and really close out sound around you is a big plus in my book.  The plush banding on the top is starting to wear, but I will be excited when I can replace that with a soft leather and cotton stuffing, adding that extra layer of refurbished customization.  

Man, I am full of it today.  Can anyone believe that I spent my childhood in a fair amount of silence? Because when I am happy I do spend time on gabbing and working things out.  Whatever though.  A lot of my time is spent dreaming about when my art practice is finally up and running again.  I could just make art for myself and be pleased.  It doesn’t need to go anywhere, and I’m even happy to destroy it or take monetary loss by giving it to someone instead.

What if I become one of those people that just keeps going back to school and getting different degrees?  I guess it’s just important that you spend life how you want to and make sure you indulge in what enriches you.  I could see myself getting a few degrees, probably learn a language or two, live in a different country.  study landscape architecture, turn it into a community profiting and awareness art.  I wish my parents didn’t try to fuck me over so badly in college. well... they kind of continuously fucked me over by essentially showing they didn’t want children (through their actions and behaviors, they will deny that to the moon and back if you state that though). 

So.  Today is math for volume calculation.  And groceries. I’m going to need laundry detergent soon.  I emailed an astrologer about a chart read, I’m not sure what I want read but I figure that can be sorted if I do get a reading. I need to find someone to cover the first hour of my shift on Friday.  Also Friday is payday. These past two weeks have really hit me straight in the wallet, definitely adding to anxiety.  Do I smoke now?  Really I want a five minute nap.  It’s so early in the day though, it kind of reminds me of working in Washington state.

The shoes I ordered didn’t fit, and now im stuck with selling them or making a trek to get them returned.  What a pain in the ass.

On top of that I got asked to cover a shift and I said no, and then shortly after my collaboration got cancelled.  After I spent the morning cleaning the area.  Whatever.

What did set this all in motion was the delivery of a piece for a stop motion.  Should have waited on it.  In a perfect world, I would have picked up the shift, postponed the collab and went to skate tonight and figured out there that these shoes were a no-go. Now Either I manage to sell them or i need to make another trip to where I dropped off the stop motion piece (funny enough) and get the packaged returned near there.  Why can’t I just be perfect?

Looks like my model for the portraiture work isn’t going to follow through. So i’m going to need to find someone else.  I shou;d figure out how much I want to compensate them though, give some incentive.  

I have another friend in mind, but her schedule may be booked.

I did start playing pickup basketball with a group of women/nonbinaries.  Ended up running to get there and back, which may have lead to my foul mood today.  Being angry makes me uncomfortable, it’s like nothing I think to do really expresses the hate that’s just chilling inside me.  It also might have been the shoes being so shittily big, and the walk being so fucking long.  I am still pissed.

I don’t even want to be writing right now, I am so fucking tired.  From all that work last night, I decided not to go see my friend’s show (the one I was to collaborate with today).  But If I went to that show I might have been able to sleep last night. Whatever.

I have skateboarding tonight.  So at least I can be happy for that.  Too bad I can’t wear my new shoes.  That really threw off my  whole day.  The one thing I splurged on became the hole that sunk the ship it seems.  Maybe I am being overly dramatic, but who’s to say that I am not pissed off, or not allowed to be pissed off.  I did end up apologizing to the online chat representative.  

The anger comes from somewhere else, this just was an outlet for it.  A coworker hooked me up with a spiritual guide so maybe they can lead me to unblocking that stone.  Or maybe the therapist I am going to start to see will. fuck I’m exhausted.  I can almost really do an ollie though. A small victory in it’s own.

hold on.  5 min nap.

lolllllll totally did the thing where I opened up the coding by pressing a button and it deleted my entry.  but I saved it magically before that fuck up.

So also, while that just happened, a friend stopped by to pick up their things. 

Sometimes it feels like a day never really ends, you just take a nap in between doing stuff/things.  I need to switch up my smoking gear.. I hate how it makes me sneeze.  My sinuses are too sensitive.  

Planning on skating today, but decided to dye my hair first.  Picked up some purple dye yesterday after standing in the aisle way too long.  I know I was being eyed down by someone because I was wearing a backpack, but really I just couldn’t choose a color.  Well, they didn’t have the color that I wanted.

side note: writing on here is like shouting into the abyss, I like it.

So eventually I picked purple.  Once I got home I took a look in the mirror and was unhappy with my decision. But I made it already.  My hang up are about it not feeling like my color.  A royal purple, I like the idea, but I sometimes don’t like what is behind it.  It just reminds me of things.  

how to make it yours..... ended up bleaching a streak and now i’ dyeing over top. Turns out this black isn’t going to leave my hair.  Funny enough I was thinking about billie elishes hair when I got home and saw her grammys (or what ever they are called).  But they didn’t have green at the store which would have been my color choice if they had it.  

So now my hair is sitting in purple and I’m writing while it does it’s thing.  Thought about putting my hat over top and just skating like this, I mean who cares. It wouldn’t stop me, but I’d need to put on a few more layers.  I wonder how cold it is outside.

Haven’t had a chance to work on music yet, kinda bummed, but I still haven’t figured ableton out yet.  

Today is kind of a free, fun day.  I still need to pick the off days in my own set little schedule though.  Yesterday I was able to take a decent rest and sleep well at night.  Have been thinking about going out west again.  That may or may not be because I started watching Marco Polo last night.  I love the idea of Mongolian culture.  I wonder if I would like the life.

I’m part croatian from my father and I was researching the roots of that area.  It’s a little bit of everything but there were a few migrations that took place.  I wonder where the blood I have comes from, It has a weird drive to it.

Finished the second season of Good Girls, more please.  I’m trying to pace myself.

I can almost ollie.  I would like to free-hand ollie by thursday night. I’m excited. I can almost do it.  Last time I learned how to really plant my front foot after sliding it along the board at the end of the jump.  I wonder about the guys that I know that don’t skateboard that much anymore but the are able to get right back on and land tricks.  I think also about making some money through board design...  Can I just be an inventor when I grow up? I’m sad that I had to wait this long to have a healthy environment which I felt comfortable to expand myself in.  

Sometimes I wonder if traveling for those years instead of working was the best thing to do.  I have a lot of guilt about many things.  I don’t really feel that there is a day that I am not hard on myself, I need to make it into a more productive voice.  I might just be grumpy and tired though.  This hair needs to hurry up and do its thing.  Or maybe I should practice drums but I have been a little too bummed out for that.

dammit, erased what I was working on.  Luckily it wasn’t much but I will sumerize:

been working back to back, I’m not a fan.  Time just moves slower when you don’t have breaks and the only time that I want it to run that slow is at the studio. 

Finally got my audio interface up and running.  The mixing software I picked didn’t go without a fight either. It’s a worth while struggle.

And finally, I’m glad I started this blog.  I like doing it in the morning, it’s good for my nervous energy.

 Okay back to the reg stuff:

Yah, So I’m about to go into work today.  There isn’t much to it. I’m pretty exhaused, but thats not new.  What is new is that I spent my morning of crafts.  So midnight, for a couple... few hours... short sleep, up again and onto finishing it.  The craft is a small sculpted rainbow shark that I made into a magnet for the fridge.  Our fridge might become really cool if I keep this going.  I Know the fish I’d do next, but I can’t remember their name right now.

I may post a picture. 

We call it the rude fish.  I’m not sure who is really the rude one that is being gifted.  

I think it’s hard to gift art, it seems more accurate to dedicate it? 

I wish my hand didn’t do that weird little spasm, it broke my stride and now I’m worrying about time.  I guess in someways it takes a good amount of energy to focus.  Maybe it won’t be much like that soon.  It should be good though.  

Have you tried doing  conscious writing. stream of that is.  It’s hard work, like how can you be that honest with yourself. I always wonder what I have to say. Or I question it.  Maybe that’s my libra indecisiveness.  Maybe its because I worry about spelling.  Maybe if I fine tune it I can receive a really emotional outlet so I can create art freely.  But Then there would be a split in my practice again.  And it’s always a question of how to combined the two.  Emotional and functional.  It can happen as writing and art, conceptual art and craft focused art, I feel likethere is one more

and I am still self editing...

I wonder if this is what dan meant.  I mean I self edit in the process. Now that’s exhausting work.  What is really frustrating is that my voice was never really been heard, or fostered in my younger life.  I’m actually very gabby, as long as I feel like it has worth.  And I’m at some weird point where I stop myself about two to three times before i say ANYTHING.  That’s insane, can you imagine questioning everything that occurs in your mind twice, even three times?  Maybe that’s the ‘slow’ part of me.  Is it nature or nurture though?  maybe nurture with a propensity because of nature.  I don’t know, but I would rather express freely.  

Word is existence nowadays, it’s the easiest spread communication. Or in my mind it is, you could argue other things, but what i’m saying is that it’s accessible.  What if I wrote profiles?  I was thinking about art combos, again. It’s an ongoing conversation.  Man, I juggle too many thoughts.

One of my next abilities Im going to try to work on is focusing.  I was watching a video on concentration.... I feel like I have mentioned it already.  Anyways. goals: 2020.

I almost have to go to work and I want to because of the scenery change, I want food and a walk would be nice. I have been thinking about Higgins lake recently.  Walking to the food hall in the morning and seeing all the other families and groups.  It was basically a communal camp.  I love pine trees and the needle paths, the dry soil.  It’s the best to walk in with bare feet. It’s so soft, like baby grass patches.  

Maybe I’ll eat cereal today.  I need to stop saying maybe.  ahhhhhh my leg just fell asleep. okay its.... no no it’s back. okay I can do this.  So more definitive proclamations might help? My friend has a thing about those, she may be on to something. 

I don’t miss anyone.  I miss vacation.  So art is well to okay.  Need to work more.  What is that going to look like I wonder.  

Finally, got the audio interface to properly run on my computer.  It only took a few downloads, a few uninstalls, and the most times I have restarted my computer consecutively in the past year.  A few minutes ago some of the free music software finished downloading too, I waited till the middle of the night so I didn’t slow my roommates internet connection down. Reminds me of New Mexico and waiting until 2 am to have unrestricted internet data.

How do people stay awake so often?  I am perpetually tired.  People call me lazy when I express my exacerbation in maybe a idealistic dream.  Maybe it’s just that point in my life when I am sleepy.  

Waiting till tomorrow to really test out the interface, also waiting till the morning to work on my roommates birthday present.  Thinking I’m going to sculpt a fish for him.  The rainbow shark downstairs is the inspiration.  Possibly a magnet for the fridge, but still working out on how to color or paint it.  God i’m tired.  I dont mentally feel it, but physically, I’m drained.  I still feel like I should get out some words.

Started watching Good Girls, and I’m in love. Christina Hendricks, Retta and Mae Whitman for the win. Christina is an absolute crush, Fell in love with her in mid-century modern.  Also in love with Retta and Reno Wilson’s written relationship.  

Started checking out filing taxes, didn’t get far though because of W-2 forums.  I did figure out that as for occupations Sandwich Artist is a close follow up on Artist.  They may be making more money than me, funny enough.  Not dissing a good sandwich though. 

Sometimes its great to have a reason to avoid your phone.  It makes things less complicated, all you need to do is piss someone off and then feel bad and mad at the same time.  All the extraneous emotions go no where, so divert it into art.  It’s not even a deal, because I just feel guilty for taking personal time and having boundaries.

It’s been a long day.  I no longer have the impulse to push myself to write.  And now I kinda want to write more.  I watched a TED talk yesterday about the Idea of making your self fear not doing a task over the fear of failing the task and never doing it.  So I have been digging to think of different weird punishments that will make me think, “well I really rather not do that”.  So far I have though of making myself read 70 pages of a something in one sitting. This is actually a lot harder to do for me than many things.  Reading is hard on my eyes (i have a weird prescription which still isn’t really right) and makes me fall asleep, maybe do to straining.  That way I get reading done and suffer slightly enough to encourage me to try to do something instead of being too scared to ever try.

 My hand hurt writing this.  My tarsals say no thank you, but I say yes, just a little more.  I want this to be a long winded blog that I look back on every week and think, ‘damn, I wrote a decent amount’.  Simple goals get you through.

Just was reading a humans of nyc interview of a lady who’s mother just transfered her trauma onto them (her and her sibling).  It doesn’t matter if they made it out of it they are still wearing it, and just to give it to you.  They just don’t want to move past it, it seems like especially when they have kids and realize that their kids can have a childhood.... Unless they take it with all their hatred, jealousy, and what ever else they have in their pretty little hate bag.  They could make all the money in the world it seems like and it still wouldn't be enough.

My audio interface is coming today so I’m just spending time doing this and that waiting for the package. 

Smoking is slowly coming to a halt, I have a skill for giving up things.  If only it provided more relief.  

I really hope I can make something of my life. I always have the blown out dreams, maybe that’s just to inspire me that thing can be better else where.  Things take time though, and I’m young, and I have time, it’s not like I’m going to give up.  I mean if I did give up it would be... something else.  I’m pretty grumpy today. I didn’t get much sleep but I went to bed hungry again, I kept eating all day and even before bed and that wasn’t even enough.  Does my body even take time to process food? I should probably add rice too my next meal to bulk it out a bit.  

I don’t really know how to eat anyways, between being pretty depressed most if not all my childhood plus never really seeing my mom ever eat... I just ate canned fruit or chickpeas from the pantry most days until dinner came around. 32 ounce cans of halved peaches, no wonder I was having issues with my teeth when I was younger.

I need to erase that part of my life so I can move on, but I need some glue and patience to put myself back together because I left that house in absolute pieces and I still feel like I’m not all the way out yet.  I’m hoping music making will cut through some of that raw emotion and make me feel my own.  That’s the real issue, they owned me.  I was not a kid, I was just an object with responsibility.  Maybe that’s not all I was but it was a good enough portion to really break my spirit.  It is rare that I wake up and know who I am.  I don’t even recall the last time I felt that way. Same with being sincerely happy, not just reactionally happy.

I have a bug in my bonnet.  I hate food in the city. 

I have a lot of anger, and the one way I was able to channel it was smashed.  I feel like it expression was fed through a tube, that tube would be severely crimped.  Those fuckers, they couldn’t just let me get away, they couldn’t just realize that maybe I could have an easier life.  I don’t care anymore what happened in their lives, I have no more tears to spare for them, those sorry sacks of dog shit.  I can’t wait to write that into a song.  Did I tell you on top of that they are very two-faced?  There is a well divided public and private. The day I cut them out is the only Holiday I celebrate.

just smoked, I don’t like anger.... but I like it in music. come onnn focusrite.  I’m going to leave them in the dust once I get my bearings back. Most times I feel like my feet are never catching traction, and I have so much pulling power. In my minds eye I feel like a work horse who’s carriage has disappeared.  My shit was wrapped up in theirs, I sold the cart and put myself in the open water. So now I’m a work horse with no cart treading water, swimming in circles, what I knew how to do (pull in a straight line was beat out of me (yes, I sold the cart because the drivers were abusive,)) is now gone.  So I need to pick a direction and start swimming. I’m aiming big, looking for land in a place where nothing is visible in any direction.

Or maybe find my own cart instead of swimming.  I have been dreaming about sculpting a funeral cart assembly. Just got stuck in some google images research.  

I need to get my art into line. That was my self gratifying joy that brought joy to others. I have a voice in my sculpting mark that I want to be part of my life again.  You can see it in my sketch-like drawings.

things have been okay today, I’m still waking up from a nap.  I went out and played on my skateboard today, it was nice.  Productive too, I can almost ollie.  

It was cold out side, 25-30 degrees, but if you want to be alone its the time to go.  I just put on three sweatshirts, leggings and pants, het and scarf and I was warmer than most.  I like being out when no one is out. It helps my concentration.  So there I was glued to the tennis court fence (training wheels) working on my ollie for a couple hours.  I’m feeling more confident about my skills, and actually less put off by how loud it is.  I’m weird like that.  Skated around the reservoir too, even though the asphalt is pretty rough.  

Came home took three layers off and continued my day.

I keep adjusting my drum set.  I keep thinking about my ex, but I’m pretty sure although he is at a similar point in life and living style like me, I think he was the low point of my dating so far.  I care, but then I don’t.  

Stating the next thing, I always have crushes, I crush on anyone. well not anyone, I do have some standards, like nice on the eyes.  But my current crush wore a shirt that spelled out my name and I was gonna laugh and point it out but I didn’t want to be brazen with an acknowledgement that, you know, they wore a shirt with my name on it.  I’ll take the compliment.   Said person that I dated before hated that I thought of love as a compliment, I don’t think that is bad.  I would seek a complimentary partner.  I’m not going to date for a while though, right now iss a consolidation effort.

All hand on deck, I need to get my self together and push out the hot air.  I feel like a bloated headache.

When I smoke, I always watch more than one episode of t.v.  I need to work on that.  I’m thinking about setting up another days of the week calendar on my white board so I can pick my off days.  It’s almost in possible to take a day off because it requires me to rest, and how do I even do that without feeling like I need to be at the bit.  driven hard, sometimes I don’t know what’s outside of work. 

I was pretty emotional a couple days ago, it just hit a point where past home memories came flooding back.  Lot’s of why I wasn’t really wanted.  In some instances it really feels like there is a death on my head, how do you come to terms with that.  I of course didn’t kill anyone but being blamed for someone else’s actions stay with you. I am a product of my environment.  I am cold as today was. Cold, dry and windy. Passing.  

People get angry when they can’t keep hold and I just give them a mask to grasp and idealize.  Then when I finally take my out, they are in confusion of what they actually hold.  My mistake really, should have dropped it earlier.  Another side of my self, conflict aversion.  I wonder if I’m really going to take my day off.  I still need to pick up groceries.

I purchased a focusrite audio interface today, so I might be able to take my music production to the next level now.  Next on my list is a midi keyboard, perfect for travel.  When I take my trip to upstate New York I’ll have a chance to work on music.  I’m curious to see what I come up with, it will be my first time really composing anything.  I want to sample, put down a basic beat and experiment with writing my own lyrics.  Got the Trent dream of self made production.  I think I know my name too.

Every so often I get spider bites from my bed.  i don’t know where the little guy is, but I want to send him somewhere else at this point.  Well really I want to get rid of my bed, it takes up too much space for what I want. I would rather string a hammock and stack those feathered pillows.  

Hungry again.  What a burden.  What I have come to notice is that food is real work.  Maybe its just because I never have what I want to eat.  But more likely it’s because I share space with my roommate and somehow that confuses me with food, well it makes me not touch things or remember what I have.  It’s much easier to have your own space and know exactly what you have.

I hope I don’t dream my life away, do you ever worry that what your doing is never going to be enough to make progress in the way you want to go?

I hope in the next few years I’ll be able to nurture my art practice more than I have been able too.  I want it to be my main stay.  I have a unique voice in it, and I want to expand it without people trying to kill it.

Do you ever think your the waking dead?  Sometimes I think I am, and I just conveniently for got my death, like a little blip.  Most times I’m tired, exhausted really.  Nothing seems to really light me up at my core, but that may just be that art is still dimmed in my life.

I had a great dream last night, I was someone’s best man.  I felt happy, but wavering.  I didn't know what to wear, I didn’t understand why they picked me, things like that.  Anyways it didn’t go through, I mean I was held, pulled back from going.  I was supposed to go, I was chosen to go, to uphold this person in the light on a day of celebration and I was held back. It was sad, all i could think was if it was because I couldn’t pick what to wear when it wasn’t my day and her I was fussing over vain things like my image.  For some reason I just couldn't move past my image fast enough, fast enough for the people that held me back.  They caught me by the arm of my black jacket, it tore. They pulled me into what I knew as my old annex styled family room and a man ripped my jacket even more to the point were it could be no longer worn. I stood there as the friend was ushered into the car with his sister, father and mother and left without me.

I was ‘happy’ for him the entire time, but sometimes what I think of as a sad happy is more of a sad jealous.  Lots of mistaking possession for love happens nowadays.  I guess my thought was, why wasn't he with me,  but in the end I was happy just to be near him and have his preference.  How subordinate of me.

Well I woke up in a huff, snapped the chart of the sky and went back to bed.  Luckily this time I was able to re enter the same dream and get some clarification.  The two people that held me back turned into my parents and I had a curt talk with them to straighten out the rules and express some of the emotions I was feeling.  I actually woke myself up doing so but I kept talking so I could finish my sentence.  It was nice to be heard.

I’m lagging in my projects right now, and weed is just putting me to sleep over jogging my creative mind.  It looks like I might be finally taking a break with it.  Although I have a doctors visit soon and I might try to get something to help me focus instead.  I know I deal with some kind of depression, but I’m always weary to supplement my practice too much with things that make me go beyond my natural means.  My thought is, if I have another dip in my life (as our hereditary quirk suggests), I want to have a realistic understanding of the lows and how much I can expect from myself.  

Making art is hard, good art requires you to know yourself.  Its a fluent language that you develop and you have to know its pitfalls, like any relationship. Learn how to navigate the stormy weather.

Well work is tomorrow.  Its also the shorter shift but you still do pretty good because of the matinee grandmas that stream through.  The tip money is real nice.

maybe I’m not tired but I’m just dealing with a constant headache and tension in my shoulders.

I got my drums back finally.  I wanted to play this morning as soon as I woke up. I added some new drum related instagram profiles and was watching videos of people playing or showing tricks.  It was too early to play for real so I got depressed, smoked and fell back to sleep until the afternoon.  Pretty acceptable since i worked a 14 hour day yesterday, but it did get me off course.  I wanted to do some chores on the house today but I ended up backing out of that too.  I’m just lacking the fire right now, well things have been an uphill climb for a while now.