#mik lore

I will briefly allude to without going into detail about past abuse, self injurious behavior, addiction. Etc. Because it plays an important part in how psychopathy has actually affected my life.

I qualified for majority of the standard symptoms (callousness, apathy, superficial charm) but i feel like that is all already assumed so ill get into what it specifically felt like for me that lead up to seeking diagnosis. Brief disclaimer that I also have C-PTSD and chronic MDD which might have its own interference on how ASPD presented within me.

For my entire life ive always felt like there was this deep empty void inside me that consumed everything normal. I never felt hungry nor did I ever desire anything. I had issues telling peoples emotions because I never felt many. Any emotions that you arent biologically born with are ones i never had (empathy, guilt, etc) but despite the stereotype I can get angry, upset, happy and occasionally scared. I had to teach myself what to associate different facial expressions with and tone indications based on voice changes (I still make mistakes on this sometimes). I was a socially extroverted child but it was out of an obligation to blend in. To say that you feel empty in this sense sounds like a negative thing but the truth is that it's just always how ive been so I really dont mind it at all. At least when its not apparent that im missing something that other people have.

Im able to present the same emotions in the correct situations after years of practice but overall there is little to nothing deeper than surface level. On the average day if youre not somebody who knows, it won't be very apparent because im very trained in masking. Im not ashamed of it whatsoever because its just me.

I had early violent behaviors and thoughts that were warning signs. Untraditional presentation in the sense I deflected these violent/homicidal impulses onto myself (I won't get into that). But the main thing the links all of my impulsive, and risky behavior is the main trait of my ASPD which is the overwhelming sense of boredom/low stimulation. Being high functioning this lead to me seeking out risky behavior, getting addicted to alcohol, playing into the violent, crass, insane stereotypes, and other things of the sort that damaged my reputation for years until the diagnosis. All because I wanted to feel something, even if it was just adrenaline/chemical. I handled my trauma by becoming cold, manipulative, and controlling. Even to the point of strange power dynamics with my abusers that muddied many of my cases.

I am quite well adjusted. As much as you can be with something like this. Mainly due to early psychiatric help, and consistent therapy. My doctors are aware of it and treat it the best they can. My C-PTSD is more prevalent than the psychopathy most days (overlying issue versus the underlying issue essentially). I am better in connecting with others in the sense that by establishing that this is who I am, they understand that I might not always respond to things well. In turn of this acception on their part I respond by being fierce loyalty and protectiveness over them. I get uncontrollably angry on their behalf. I take boundaries extremely serious from my own experiences so it somewhat counter acts the lack of boundary care from the ASPD.

This rant has been somewhatttt off topic from your ask but i took it as a chance to elaborate more on my experiences with the disorder. Everyone will experience it differently and I think its important to talk about the more untraditional/unspoken aspects of mine. So id rather tell you about that than the obvious signs of killing small animals or manipulating others. Which are still two traits ive experienced but its not the entirety of it. I enjoyed this ask as much as I could and I look forward to see your future questions.

I dont mind asks of this nature if they're done with respect like in this case! I think that its important to talk about!