#miinah13

“Wow.” He can hardly believe this is his ownvoice, the way it is so giddy and high. “He’s so strong.”

Aki grunts in response, pale eyes startled andunfocused, head wobbling as he rolls his head this way and that across thecrook of Obi’s arm.

“Is there something wrong with his eyes?”Angela asks, fretful, from her hospital bed. “He didn’t really look at me andnow he’s not looking at Obi, either.”

Dr. Sakimoto is reading something off of themonitor and doesn’t really even look at them. “Probably not,” he says absently,ticking a couple of notes off on his clipboard, and the tone would annoy Obi ifhe didn’t… understand. They’re 18. If they weren’t responsible enough to listen in Sex Ed, why would they bother being responsible enough to listen now? “Your-”

“Husband,” Obi supplies, sitting up a littlestraighter, hoping he looks th role.

“Hmm, yes, husband.” The doctor clucks his tongue.“His face is too far away.”

They both blink at him. 

“So I should… movecloser?” Obi ventures.

“Yes, I mean-” Dr. Sakmito squeezes the bridgeof his nose and props the clipboard against his hip. From the sound of things, they’re idiots for not knowing this already. “Newborns can’t reallydistinguish shapes at this point so he won’t make eye contact with you for a monthor so. But he can see light. And hear your voice.”

“Oh.” Chest swelling with purpose, Obi leansin until his forehead just brushes the soft down of his son’s- oh god, his son’s- hair. “Hi, buddy,” Obiwhispers, bobbing the finger that is still trapped in its tiny vice up and down.“Hi.”

Aki’s head wobbles, eyes wide, and Obi thinks– he thinks – that those pale eyesfocus on his. Just for a second. Maybe.

“I still can’t believe he’s here,” Obiwhispers, smile taking up his whole face as he lifts his head up, but thedoctor- Well, he’s gone. Slipped out while he was distracted. Obi’s smile wiltsa little at the edge, eyes sliding from the door to where Angela watches him,suspiciously silent.

Faintly, she replies, “Me, neither.”

Her face is still pale, ashen, and she’s notlooking at him. Not even smiling, really. But he supposes that makes sense. Ifhe had to do what she just did, he doubt he’d be smiling either. Shifting Akiin his arms, he leans over the bed, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

“You did great, babe.”

She’s watching Aki with nothing short of shock as Obi passes him back to her. And she’s still a little awkward, the way her eyes widen inalarm, her arms tense as plywood that he has to help arrange to properly supportAki’s head.

“Just like that,” he murmurs. “Just like the nurseshowed us.”

Her smooth brow crinkles, distressed. “They’rejust… going to let us take it home?”

Barking out a laugh, Obi perches his hip on theside of her bed, hooking his arm around her shoulder. “Looks to be that way.”

“Have they met me?” The question comes out like a joke, but is strained like a legitimate question.

Tilting his head, Obi waits until her eyescatch his, flickering away and then shyly back. “You’re already a great mom,”he says, so soft. “Just look at how perfect he is.”

This was the wrong thing to say, apparently.

“Obi.” Clear blue eyes round with a fear hedoesn’t understand, voice high pitched and hesitant and scared, and her arms stiffenawkwardly around the little goblin rooting against her hospital gown. “I don’tknow how I am going to do this.”

His heart lurches and- he’s scared, too.That’s what he wants to say.

“You’re not going to be in it alone, babe,” hewhispers instead, because that’s what men should do when their wives are scared, and he squeezes her near. Rubbing her shoulder, he rests his cheek on hercrown. “I’m here.”

This close, he can feel the heave of her backagainst his arm; the quick pace of shallow breath moving in and out. “Yea, buthow are we-”

“I’ll take care of it,” he assures them both,pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head. It’s still a little sweaty and the salt of her skin lingers on his lips. “I’myour husband. It’s my job to take care of you.”

~ ~ ~

“This was a mistake.”

Angela’s baby blues are rimmed in red andbruised with exhaustion. Aki’s pressed up against her breast but she’s stillwearing the same clothes she was when he left the house hours ago. The sameclothes she was wearing yesterday. And Obi is standing there, at theirthreshold, in a food soiled uniform and the house keys still in hishand.

“No, no, no.” He’s across the room, on hisknees and in front of their couch in a breath. A brightly colored piece of plastic digsinto his shin and he ignores it, smoothing back her tangled hair – it’s greasy – twinstreams pouring from her eyes like he just turned on the faucet. “None of this wasa mistake. This is just that– what did the doctor call it? – that postpartumdepression. Yea. You should call the hospital and see if they have anyone totalk to.”

A dry huff of air escapes her with no humorand Aki grunts, disturbed. “With what, Obi? Doctors cost money.”

He grits his teeth around his smile, a jolt ofpain stabbing him cleanly in the gut. “We can figure it out,” he tries. “The SuperBowl is coming up and I’ll probably get good tips then.”

Eyes squeezing shut, she shakes her head. “Youwould going to use that money to fix the car, remember?”

The pain is in his lungs now, creeping deepbeneath his shoulder blade. “I’ll just… walk for a bit. You know, until we’resaved up.”

Her voice may as well be a scream for the wayit rattles between his ears. “And leave me alone with him even longer? I don’t get any time by myself as it is.”

“Babe-” The air punches out of him and hegrasps at the cushions on either side of her thighs to stay upright. “Maybe you could ask your sister…?”

“She works almost as much as you and you know it,” Angela snaps.

His face flinches, eyes dropping to where those long slender fingers of hers pat against Aki’s back. The paint on her nails are fresh. Tiffany blue. “I don’t-” he licks his lips, searching for words. “I don’t know what you want.”

“You promised.”She’s so quiet, the countenance of her voice every bit as sweet as her name, but it comes out as a hiss. “You promised me you would take careof everything.”

His head snaps up, and she’s- she’s blurrierthan he likes. “I am,” he promisesagain. “I will. It’s fine, babe.We’re gonna be- just fine. This is just a little rough patch.”

“A rough-” She bites down on her tongue,shifting Aki from her breast to her shoulder. “We’re not, Obi, aren’t you even listening?”

“Just you wait, it’ll get better.” Taking herface between his palms, he brushes his thumbs down her cool cheeks. It’sheartening, somewhat, that she doesn’t pull away.

“I just-” She stares at the wall as if itmight have better answers than he has. Maybe it does. “I feel so trapped. Ididn’t think it would be like this…”

Heart lurching in his throat, he rests hishand on top of hers where it smooths down Aki’s back. “I’ll take care ofeverything,” he whispers, fierce. “Just focus on Aki.”

That finally gets her. That finally makes herlook at him, beseeching. “How, though? How will it get better?”

He doesn’t know.

“Just leave it to me. I’m your husband,remember?” he grins, spreading his lips so broad it hurts. “It’s my job!”

~ ~ ~

He tries. He tries and he tries and he tries, but nothing seems to work.

Each day, he comes home with news of failure. Each day, he drags his stomach over the threshold with no more salary than he had the day before.

And this, in the end, is how she chooses to greet him not twoweeks later.

~ ~ ~

“Where have you been?!” The words stab him inthe ear, and between his bone weary exhaustion and her ire, he doesn’t think he can take another step. “I’ve been calling!”

“I was at work, remember?” he answers numbly,toeing off his boots. Sharp shards of glass travel up the soles of his feet tohis calves and then his knees. Somewhere in the apartment, Aki is crying. “Andmy phone died.”

This does little to satisfy her. He thinks hemight have made her angrier.

“So I’mhere, taking care of your son, andyou can’t even bring a charger?”

“I know,” he breathes, weary. She’s right.“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll pack it in my bag from now on.”

“What makes you think there’s going to be anext time?” She’s right up in his face, eyes blazing, and that- that gets hisattention. He only just manages not to take a step back. “Do you think I’m justgoing to stick around, like some- some cow,pumping out milk all day every day while you’re out on the town?!”

It’s not like he’s out there to have fun, is what he wants to say. It isn’t what he actually says.

“No,” he sighs, shaking his head. “Of coursenot. I just didn’t want to put pressure on you by-”

“Stop making excuses. You do nothing but put pressure on me, Obi!” Her ponytail nearly slaps him in theface when she turns from him with an aggravated groan, knocking over a lamp when it catches on her oversized sweater. It hits the ground with a crash, the light bulb flickering outand Aki’s cries turn into shrieks in the bedroom.Angela looks back at it over her shoulder, her mouth slightly agape, staring wherethe blue polished porcelain split in two.

“Lookwhat you did!” she yells.

He didn’t- hedidn’t- she did, but… it’s not worth arguing about. Not today. Maybe not ever. “I’ll see if I can findsomething at the Goodwill tomorrow.”

Angela snorts. “That’s just like you,” shegrumbles, crossing her arms, and it strikes him that she’s- she’s dressed up.She’s dressed like she’s ready to go out.“Always trying to fix the mess you made. But let me tell you something, Obi,some things can’t be fixed.”

“Iknow.” 

He didn’t want this- not for his son. He thought- he thought he wasgoing to do this better. Thought he was going to do this right. 

He shakes himself.

No. They can still do this right. Only if he tries harder. 

“But we’re working for what we want, remember?” He rubs the back of his head and smiles. “We’rebuilding a home!”

“Inever wanted this!” she screams, rounding on him with an accusing finger andAki- he screeches. “You wanted this! Iwanted to be a teenager and go to parties and meet new people! I can’t do any of that with an infant, Obi! And Ishouldn’t have to be responsible for something I didn’t even want!”

It’s hard to breath - so hard - but, gently, slowly, with barely trembling hands, he wraps his hand around heroutstretched one, cupping it with the other and holding it safely against his chest. 

“Babe,” he tries again. “You canhave all that. Let me just see what I can figure out with work and I-”

“I’mdone waiting,” she says, so flat. Yanking her hand out of his, Angela shoulders past him, flinging the door open.

“Wait-”he says. “What about-”

“Youfigure it out,” she snaps over her shoulder, right before the door slams shut in her wake. “You’re the husband here. Isn’tthat your job?”

~~ ~

He doesn’t know what time it is. Maybe 1? 2? Morning or afternoon, it doesn’t really matter. 

Aki’scries are soft and fussy, a threat of things to come, and Obi stumbles out ofthe bedroom and into the kitchen. Catching his bare toe against the kitchentable, he cusses a blue streak under his breath, hopping the last few steps tothe stove.

Hiseyes are barely open, hands flailing aimlessly until they slam the stove lamp on.

Thelight barely improves the situation. Flinching, he squishes his face shut against it,running his hands blindly across the countertop. Fingers bump against pots andpans and knock over plastic bottles until-

Plasticcrinkles under his hand.

Squintinghis eyes open, Obi frowns, confused. It takes much longer than it should torecognize the packaging, the bright blue and pink and black with a wave ofwhite.

“What?”he mutters to no one, lifting it up.

DOUBLESTUFFED OREOS! scream back at him in big, happy letters. FAMILY SIZED!

He’sawake instantly, twirling on his heel, eyes scanning the dark-

Asmall lump is curled up on the couch, still fully dressed and turned towardsthe seat cushions. Her shirt is riding up, her bare back exposed to the chill,and she shivers.

Obibreathes out a sigh of relief.

Paddingacross the room, he grabs a blanket along the way and fans it over her. Tuckingit all the way up to her chin, Obi hesitates. Her hair curls across her cheeks,some of those wild, sun kissed waves caught in the corner of her mouth. Smiling, he slowly,carefully, brushes it away, pressing a kiss to her temple.

The panic in his heart slowly unravels. Shejust-

She just needed time. That’s all. Things were already getting better. In the meantime, he would just have to tryharder.

~~ ~

Takingthe third story apartment may have been a mistake on his part.

It seemed a smart choice at the time. Harder for burglars to get to. No upstairs neighbors clomping around. Further from the street noise.

But days like today, he has- regrets.

Grunting,Obi trudges up the stairs, plastic handles biting into his skin and cutting offthe circulation to his fingers. Each step feels heavier than the last, but whiffs of slowly defrosting food chases him steadily home.

Hisshirt is plastered to his back by the time he reaches the top of the stairs,the humidity thick and promising rain. Staring out over the balcony, he thinkshe really needs to get that car fixed if he’s going to survive the summer.

Freeingone arm of its load is easy. Fishing his keys out of his pockets and gettingthe door open, even easier. But it’s picking those bags back up that’s the hardpart.

Justa few more steps and-

Theair feels stale when the door clicks shut behind him, like the A/C hasn’t beenon all day. He frowns, worried that it went out again - that he was going to have to have words with the property manager - when it occurs to him thatthe house is… quiet. Not even the dull hum of the TV is there to drown out the carspassing outside.

“Hello?”he winces at the sound of his own voice. “Babe?” he tries again, softer.

Maybethey were sleeping.

Kickingoff his shoes, Obi scans the living room as if in slow motion. It’s cleanerthan yesterday. Lighter. It reminds him of that time someone had robbed the place that he had been crashing at. There hadn’t been a lot to take, but if it was worth five bucks, they had taken it. 

But this isn’t- isn’t that. Not precisely.

Aki’s toys still lay about. The kitchen sink is still full of dirty dishes. Laundry still needs to be done and the TV is still there. But still- something is.. amiss.

Shaking off the odd feeling, Obi unloads everything onto the kitchen counter. The little bouquet chrysanthemums, bruised and a little bare, peak out from the mound of plastic bags. Smiling to himself, he gently extracts them and tip toes towards the bedroom.

Bypassing every creaky floorboard is a talent he has honed over years - not his favorite thing to think about, but at times like these it does have its advantages. He’s still as good as ever, he thinks, when he presses his ear to the bedroom door and there’s no indication that a soul is stirring on the other side. Tilting his shoulder into it with a grin, thedoor slow creaks open, but it’s-

It’s bare.

Well, not bare exactly. The window is open, a slow summer breeze creeping in through the curtains. The bed is, as always, unmade. But still, no Angela flung across it’s rumpled sheets. No Aki passed out on his back in his crib.

Against all reason, hisheart rate doubles in tempo and he- he slowly exhales to smooth it out. Peeking over his shoulder, he breathes even easier. The stroller is gone from its place by the front door. They must have just goneout- for a walk. Or something. With the A/C out, the apartment might as well bean oven.

Settingthe flowers on the dresser – he’ll find some water to put them in in a minute –Obi strips off his shirt and opens the closet for a fresh one.

Halfof it is empty.

Later, if someone asked him what he did next, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them. He knows that he felt… cold. A particular type of chill that he couldn’t shake for weeks after, no matter how hot the day. And that he checked under the bed and found that ratty thrift store suitcase was gone. He knows he looked for his jar of tips and that only the change remained. He knows he stalked outto the kitchen, hands trembling, and picked up his phone from where he leftit next to the groceries. 

He knows that there were no missed messages.

Obi’s hands are flying over the screen of his phone, and he has just pulled up Angela’s number when a note on the fridge catches his eyes, the script painfully familiar.

We went over to my sisters.

That’s it. Nothing else.

It’slike falling down a hole, that feeling. Maybe that’s what people call tunnel vision is - he doesn’t know. But in the next moment, he’s hitting the green call button, only the sound of the phone ringing and the blood rushing in his ears to remind him that he’s human.

The receiver on the other end picks up, and before anyone can say anything, a baby’s malcontent fussing bleeds through the speaker. 

He’s knees nearly give out. He wants to let them. There’s more pressing matters at hand, though; like getting his heart started. It’s dead, the cavern of his chest still and quiet.

“Where the hell have you been?” The woman on the other end is - understandably - annoyed, but not as much as she is confused. “Angela ask meto just watch him for an hour! I’ve got to go to work soon and I can’t build my empire with an infant on my hip.”

Obi doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry, but what comes out of his mouth does not belong to him. It’s too loud, sounds too much like hisfather’s when he snaps, “Where’s my son?”

“Here?With me?” Torou’s voice tilts up in confusion and Obi almost faints from relief. Whatever irritation was left in her fades to worry. “Obi, what’s going on?”

“I’mcoming over.”

~~ ~

He’spanting when he presses the call button at Torou’s apartment. Then again. Andagain and again.

“I’mhere, I’m here! Just a minute, oh my god.”

The lock gives a harsh buzz and click and he flies through the lobby and up the stairs, taking two at a time. When he reaches her floor, Torou is already standing in the open door, phone in hand. “I’ve been trying to call her but she’s not pickingup! I texted, too, and-”

Obi’sjaw sets, shouldering past her.

“Hejust fell asleep, Obi. Don’t-“

Hecomes up short, just inside her living room, and finally- finally- his heart starts up again when he sees that tiny little body with its sweaty mess of dark curls curled up on thecouch. Obi only makes it two more wobbling steps before he falls to his knees at the edge of it.

It’sfine- it’s fine- Aki is fine.

“Obi.”

He touches his lips to Aki’s crown and takes a deep, slow inhale, drawing the smell of him into his lungs, before releasing it all in a shaky rush of air. 

Torou is standing there in the doorway when he finally looks up, her face torn between anger andconfusion and not uncertainty about which is more important. “What the fuck is going on?”

Funny, he would like to know the answer to that, too. “We had a fight last night,” he says, because that’s all he has to offer.

She snorts and it’s- it’s too much like her sisters to not make his stomach churn. “Whatelse is new?”

“ButI thought we had it figured out,” he says, lost. “She even apologized, sorta. She got mad and left but then she came back and left me some cookies. Double stuffed, even. They’re her favorite.”

Torou’s expression looks far too much like pity for his comfort.

Pressing his lips together, Obi flops onto his seat on the floor, and pulls the phone out from his pocket. It takes no time at all to pull her name back up, to press send. 

It goes straight to voicemail.

“Itold you,” Torou says softly, kneeling in front of him with that- that same awful expression. “She’s not answering”

Thumbflying over the keyboard, Obi grumbles, “Like hell she’s not.”

where r u?angela pick up the phonepls

The minutes tick by, his strange standoff with Torou getting more and more hopeless with every second. He draws up his knees, eyes stinging like he’s got something in them, and he’s about to fall apart right here in his sister-in-laws living room when- the phone vibrates. Just once, then several more times in rapid succession.

He swipes if off the floor before Torou can even get it in her to tell him to stop.

leave me alonei need space!i told u, i’m notready for this!i’ll be back soon

Obi thinks he might vomit. Right here. Right now.

But Angela, she- she’s been so stressed. Maybe this is what she needs. Maybe this is what has to happen so she can get better. Can be a better mother. 

when

i don’t knowjustsoon okay?i gtgdon’t call me againi’m srry

~ ~ ~ 

Obi doesn’t know how much time has passed, how long he has been there with his knees up to his elbows and head hung between his legs, but he likes to imagine that it’s been a while. 

The phone, laying guiltlessly between his feet, slides across the carpet into a pair of slim hands. Torou reads it. He watches her read it. The way the furrow between her brow slowly eases, replaced by the slow arch of two well shaped eyebrows. For some reason she doesn’t look surprised. Just angry. 

Maybe she has right to be. He didn’t follow through with his promise to her sister, after all.

“Whatthe fuck?” Torou mouths, then winces, her gaze darting over to Aki and then back to him. “Sorry.”

His mouth gapes slightly. “Don’t worry about it.” 

His face… It must look a mess, because hers twists uncomfortably before dropping to read the messages again. “What does she mean?” Torou asks. “Doesshe just… expect you to figure this out on your own?”

Obi hears each and every noisy little breath escaping Aki’s lungs behind him. Starts to reorganize every step of his day from here on out because to think- to do- anything else about any of this might break him.