#microsarah

Karen laboured in a work place full of men. A place with such a negative ethic where she had to practically beg Ellison to hire another female intern. He let her sit in on the interviews and the meetings, which shocked her, but revealed that it was something he wanted to see more in her: strife. She wasn’t to take any more shit.

Six months to the day, Karen had bonded majorly with Sarah Taylor, the two of them becoming the absolute “best of friends”. In terms of work, they’d taken on bigger cases they could chew only to report them efficiently; enforced the idea of femininity in the Bulletin, Ellison having no choice but to obey their want for more female roles of power; and gotten pass out level drunk more than once together.

A Wednesday morning; Sarah knocked on the door of Karen’s shoebox apartment with a coffee and a walk to work ahead of them. It had become routine for them; Sarah living quite a while away so she’d catch the bus to Karen’s block, before they walked the rest of the way together. She said, “You’ll never guess what”

Karen sipped at her coffee as she locked the door to her apartment and shoving her keys into her pocket. She grimaced at the hot liquid that she drunk too eagerly as it burnt her throat. “What?”

Sarah grinned, shoving her free hand in the pocket of her coat. It was cold out, and Karen regretted not wearing something thicker. “You remember that call we went on a few weeks back, right? The Lieberman brothers?”

Karen nodded, the two of them stepping out into the snowy sidewalk. “Don’t tell me that one of them hit on you. The one who was ogling you all through our interview?”

She elbowed Karen who stumbled into the street with a laugh. “He was not! I swear, I didn’t expect it at all. He turned up at the Bulletin the other week when you weren’t in. We…had drinks and things progressed, and now he wants to take me on a proper date… thing”

“Sarah” Karen deadpanned, stopping in the street. “If you pull some double date shit on me right now, I swear—”

“Karen,” she replied, elongating her words as she yanked on her arm. “Please. Look I promise it won’t be anything formal and romantic, just please come along and support me”

“I’m not going to sit opposite some random guy whilst you cosy it up with your date” She proclaimed. “Plus, I have nothing to wear. And, I gained like 50 pounds over thanksgiving, nobody, not even your boyfriend’s friend is going to want to date me”

“That is not true, shut up!” Sarah retorted, her voice going higher and more accusatory. Karen knew the exact tone, and she wasn’t getting off lightly. “When have I ever asked of anything from you?”

“Uh” Karen began, “Literally the other day you asked me to buy a car so we didn’t have to walk to work in the snow. You think I have that kind of money laying around? And for lessons? No. Not a penny”

Sarah went silent. “Okay, I admit. That was a bad example. But Karen, listen, David’s friend is really good looking. I promise, I’ve seen pictures. It’ll just be one date, I absolutely promise. It’s not like I’m forcing you into marriage if things don’t work out. Please, for me”

Karen found herself giving in. “One date. That’s all”

/\

Sarah’s instincts were not wrong.

When Karen entered the bar the four of them were meeting at, she was self-conscious in the outrageously out-of-character red dress that Sarah had made her buy. It turned more than a few heads in the dark bar, and recognising David Lieberman from their previous meeting, she noted the bulky man in a black shirt sat next to him at the bar.

Sarah approached David, the two of them exchanging words of greeting before a small peck on the cheek. Karen reacquainted with David, her memory of him slightly foggy. In their interview, he’d done less of the talking which is why she was getting such an unknown friendly vibe from him as he spoke.

“Lovely to see you again,” He said, shaking her hand with a smile. Karen could only smile back in response, and saying something along the same lines. “This is my buddy Frank,” he said, motioning toward the man sat beside him. “He’s in town for the weekend so I thought I’d bring him along to meet you”

He immediately stood from his bar stool, approaching Karen who instantly felt self-conscious once again as she could feel his eyes on her body. All she could do was smile, holding her hand out for him to shake. He was an attractive man, to say the least, Karen felt her heart flutter slightly. He was exactly the guy she wouldn’t go for, yet, here she was, wanting to know more. “Nice to meet you” She said, watching his every move.

He took hold of her hand, shaking it firmly before smiling back. “Karen, right?”

She nodded, her lips pursed apprehensively. “That’s me”

“Frank” He replied, gruffly. “I, uh, like your dress”

“Glad that someone does” She answered with a nervous laugh. Her hair fell from behind her ear and she found herself running her hands through it quickly, nervously. “Sarah practically forced it on me”

Frank mused over her body once more before speaking with a small smile. “Red suits you”

-

The next time they met, Sarah was turning 30.

She decided to throw a huge party in a hall, inviting almost everyone the two of them knew because of how closely both their lives were intertwined. For almost two months, the entire office was abuzz over her 30th party, everyone planning things behind her back in terms of gifts. Karen found it hard to keep everything a secret.

It’d been about 8 months since she’d gotten into a relationship with David Lieberman, and Karen saw a completely different side of her. Yeah, there had been times where she’d blown Karen off on their movie nights or walks to work because she’d stayed over at David’s the night before and he drove her there. It’s not like Karen wasn’t used to it, she’d been dumped by friends plenty of times in the past.

She stood in the empty room of the town hall downtown from Sarah’s place. They’d arrived hours earlier to set up, and by the time the actual party arrived, Karen’s feet ached like crazy. She took a seat at the bar, instantly ordering a large glass of wine. Her way of coping with the preparations was drinking, so she was already pretty drunk. By the time she’d drank most of her wine, he appeared at the bar.

“Two beers please” He grumbled, before turning on his side to overlook the party. Karen eyed him from her spot, straightening her back as she realised she was slouched over the bar like a desperate loser.

“I bet you don’t remember me” She called over the music. As soon as the words slipped from her drunken slumber, she regretted it. His eyes clocked on hers and she could tell he was slightly startled. He was cleanly shaven, his hair a lot higher on his head than before. In general, he looked well. His loss of a friend in David when he began dating Sarah had obviously not taken such a toll on him as Karen’s loss of Sarah had.

“Of course I do” He answered, his mouth sliding into a lopsided smile. Tonight he sported a dark green shirt. The man looked good in dark colours, Karen noted to herself. She wasn’t wearing red, and she wondered if it was just her that’d remembered that small anecdote. “Karen”

She nodded, not fighting the smile that presented itself on her own face as she looked at him. Sipping from her glass and drinking the remnants of wine, she placed it back on the bar. There was a silence between the two, as close to silence as you could get in the rowdy party, but his eyes remained on her. Karen kept her eyes ahead, feeling his stare burn into her.

“Hey,” Frank then called to the bartender, leaning over the bar slightly with a five dollar bill in his hand. Karen clocked on at his voice, looking toward him to see the bartender approach him once again. “Another glass of red, too, please. For the lady”

Karen stood immediately, yanking the bill from his hands and placing it back on the bar. She shook her head as Frank levelled with her, their chests almost touching as they looked at each other intently. Her drunkenness was not adding to how she felt herself weaken around him, how his stupid face was enough to send her into a fluster. “You don’t have to do that, I’m not incompetent”

“I never said you were,” Frank replied, before he shoved her hand away when she offered the money up, handing the bartender his money before she could complain anymore. “You’re sitting at the bar of your best friend’s birthday party alone. You clearly want to get drunk. At least let me buy you another drink”

“You bought the drinks last time, that’s not fair” She spluttered, folding her arms as she sat back on the stool. Frank sipped at his beer before taking the stool next to her, the gap between their bodies closing in as he shuffled closer toward her. Their legs clashed, his knees bashing against her own. She crossed her ankles to keep her legs as close together as possible and create enough room between them; because she didn’t want him to go.

He merely smirked at her slight slurring. “Then you can repay me in drunken conversation”

And it looked like he didn’t want to, either.

-

It surpassed a year, almost a year and a half, of their relationship before Sarah woke Karen at 2 in the morning screaming with an engagement ring on her finger.

There was an almost immediate party to plan for, and as designated maid of honour, Karen got left with all the huge chores and basic responsibility to make sure that everything was perfect. Her and Sarah began spending more time together, which evidently, was something that she wanted. She took it and held onto every aspect of it.

Sarah had busied herself with the task of selling her place and packing things into storage whilst simultaneously house hunting with David. She’d been staying at Karen’s a few nights, when they got too drunk or Sarah got too tired to go home. By the time the engagement party rolled around, both of them were exhausted.

The theme was white. A specific shade of white, not that it mattered, and everything had to be this specific shade of white, and it pissed Karen off endlessly. The guests outfits could be any colour though, which only confused her more. However Karen knew she’d have to take it easy on the red wine or it’d be visible. Sarah was busy greeting guests, accepting gifts and talking to long lost family and friends, so yet again, Karen’s only acquaintance was a glass of red.

Until he appeared.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this” He said, hands in pockets as he approached her from across the room. She was mid-drink, his voice sending her into a fluster and causing her to spit a little in front of her. Luckily, he was not in the firing line, and only laughed at her response.

“Oh, God, Frank” She replied, pressing her hand to her forehead in exasperation. “I’m getting quite the reputation as an alcoholic with you, every time you see me I’m drinking fucking wine”

He only laughed again, assuming position next to her as the two of them overlooked the hall. “Nice what you’ve done with the place. David told me all about this white colour scheme. How absolutely riveting”

“Every time I close my eyes, it’s all I see” Karen answered lowly, leaning toward him discreetly. His cologne wafted her way, cinnamon. Frank let lose another laugh, causing Karen to snort quietly to herself. Both of them were stood laughing quietly in the corner of the room, Frank taking her by the arm and turning both their bodies toward the window as some people turned and looked at them.

“Just saying, if this were my engagement party then I’d choose something way more upbeat” Frank replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Like, I don’t know, blue. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of blue, still keeps things classy, I guess, if that’s what you’re about”

Sipping from her wine, Karen nodded. She watched Sarah hugging a woman that walked into the hall, resembling her mother, realising that she hadn’t met her before that day. “That’s what I’m saying. Sarah’s a traditionalist, and David would obviously die for her. White was always the plan. I mean they’re moving in together, it’s a ride or die kinda thing”

“Speaking of,” Frank said, changing the topic immediately. “Delaware is no more. I’m moving to NYC. Got a place just downtown and a job pretty much straight after. The construction unit I work for is transferring some of the crew up town for an opening of a new lot. He wanted me to head the force”

“Really? That’s great news,” Karen replied, ignoring the way her heart danced inside her chest at the thought of him being around more. He just nodded, still looking out onto the hall of people as Karen fixated her eyes on him. She almost stared for a little too long before clearing her throat as he looked at her. A smile. “Good for you”

He nodded, a small smile appearing on his face. “It’ll be better than travelling down here for every extravagant event Mr-and-Mrs-Lieberman-to-be throw on” He replied, only causing Karen to laugh once again. “Plus…” he trailed off, eyes on the floor before back at her. “Maybe then we’ll see more of each other”

Karen just took a sip from her wine, swallowing it quietly and shrugging her shoulders innocently. “Maybe we will”

-

Sarah figured it out moments before he walked through the door to their house warming dinner.

“Oh my god,” She said, her whole face lighting up immediately. Karen felt her entire heart sink into deep panic, Sarah practically jumping to the ceiling with supposed joy. “I can’t believe I didn’t figure this out before”

“What?” David asked over his shoulder, preparing a bowl of salad at the kitchen counter. “What’s going on?”

“Sarah,” Karen warned snappishly. “Don’t”

“Karen and Frank, that’s what’s going on” Sarah replied devilishly. Karen watched as she played with the ring on her finger, twisting it in a clockwise motion. “How long have you been pining after him?”

“I have not been pining after him” Karen replied angrily. Her cheeks had flooded red, and she took a deep breath before moving across the tiny kitchen toward the open window. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Sarah. He’s just a friendly face I enjoy the company of at all of your gatherings. He’s just about the only person I know”

As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Karen felt herself dive further into humility. Sarah practically ran to the door, leaving Karen in the kitchen with David. “Don’t worry,” He said, grabbing the bowl of salad before patting Karen’s shoulder sympathetically. He then picked up his bottle of beer. “I’ll keep her in line”

Karen gave herself a second or two to calm herself, before walking into the dining area where the three of them were already stood. She forced a smile, ignoring Sarah’s devilish glance. Frank smiled back at her, Karen’s eyes scouring his hands as he presented the bottle to her. “Got you a gift”

She snorted. Red wine.

/\

Aside from all the glances from Sarah through the entire meal, Karen made it out alive. She offered to do the dishes, which the two of them were happy about as they picked a movie and settled on the couch almost as soon as she’d offered.

She soaked herself in the soapy water before starting the dishes, taking advantage of the time to wash her hands. Her head was a little woozy due to the three glasses of wine she’d drunk way too quickly.

The door clicked shut behind her and she jumped out of her skin, dropping a plate into the soapy basin. Frank had entered the room behind her and she sighed when she clocked eyes on him, closing her own for a brief second. “Are you alright?”

“Me?” She asked, a frown appearing on her face. “Fine. I’m fine”

“You were really on edge throughout the whole dinner” He replied, shoving his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the doorframe on the opposite side of the room. “Did I do something? Or, is it-”

“No” She said softly. “No, it wasn’t you. You didn’t do anything” She found herself looking directly at him, her frown softening at the slight confusion in his eyes. Karen gulped, the silence between the two of them thicker than ever with tension.

“Karen” He said quietly, walking across the kitchen toward her. She backed into the kitchen counter, her hands gripping onto the basin edges, fingers slipping due to the soap. “What is it?”

She paused, before dragging her words out, adding a chortling laugh to completely sell it down the river. Her self respect. “I just had one too many glasses of wine”

Frank laughed, and she was grateful, taking a small sigh of relief. He reached for something on the kitchen counter before speaking. “Listen why don’t I do the dishes and you go watch the movie, you’ll end up hurting yourself otherwise-”

“I am not incompetent” She snapped, unintentionally, grabbing at his arm as he held a dish cloth in his hand. His arm tensed up as she gripped onto his bicep awkwardly. Karen’s heart was doing somersaults inside her chest, her breathing slightly laboured.

“So you’ve mentioned” He replied, a small smirk playing on his face. Karen kept her eyes on him as he subconsciously moved closer toward her. She let go of his arm, not knowing where to place her hand other than let it fall to her side. She felt his hand on the small of her back, her face softening as he leaned toward her lips.

The buzzing of her phone interrupted them instantly. Her humility was beyond a scale anymore, and the alert that appeared on her screen was from a cab company. The one she’d called so she could escape that very situation.

Frank stepped away. Karen swallowed nervously. “My cab. It’s outside”

He nodded, seeming completely un-phased. “Safe journey”

“Thanks” was all she could muster in response before she grabbed her bag and fled the tiny apartment.

-

New Years approached. Karen had made excuses to get out of every social event that Frank would be at since the house warming. Sarah had tried to convince her to go, swearing that he would’ve forgotten, but Karen’s humility still hadn’t died down.

The only reason she’d been talked into New Years was because Frank wasn’t going to be there. Apparently he had something with his work force that he’d planned to go to. It put her a little at ease, but she knew she’d be completely out of place there.

Come midnight, Karen had spent the entire evening alone, speaking with Sarah only in brief moments as she spent most of the night mingling with other people. With her trusty stead, a bottle of red wine, she figured she was gaining a problem. It was something she did at almost any given opportunity, even if she didn’t drink excessively.

She made it a new years resolution to get to the bottom of it.

The other guests behind her began their countdown with one minute to spare. Karen sipped at her wine before looking around the entire room at the different mix of people. Sarah was nowhere in sight and she sighed, sipping once again from the glass.

When it reached thirty, she figured she’d head toward the door and escape before she got cornered by someone and stuck within their happy new years wishes. The back door to the house was open, and the cold air was refreshing as she stepped out into the brief silence. She placed the wine on the wall in front of her, watching the millions of fireworks explode in the sky from other people’s celebrations.

The countdown hit ten. His voice hit her immediately. “Karen”

She turned quickly, and there he stood, out of breath and in a thick jacket. “Frank” she breathed, eyes widening in shock. “I thought you were— what are you doing here?”

“I called your name all through the house” He replied, walking toward her quickly just as the countdown hit 5.

“Why?” She asked quickly, a fearful frown on her face, her heart pounding loudly in her ears.

He shook his head, looking toward her lips before back into her eyes. “I couldn’t let you slip away again”

As the countdown reached 0, and the new year began, Frank held her by the waist before laying his lips on hers, Karen’s initial shock taking her a few seconds before she kissed back. People cheered in the distance, more fireworks dancing across the sky as they moved closer together.

Karen’s heart slowed as the spur of the moment passed, their lips still joined together, Frank’s hands on the small of her back, her hands in his dark curls. The sky was lit up like a skyline behind them, the stars twinkling extra brightly in the moment of passion. The madness.

Within the first month of his passing, she hardly sleeps at all. It was either sleep, or the void of deranged nightmares that occupy her mind. A common reoccurrence.

She lies on the rough ground beneath her, the cold and dewey grass wrapping around her arms. It’s almost as though it’s coming alive, encasing her within their thin vines, sucking her into the ground. Flowers rest at her head, dead and wilted, as it feels like she’s been there for days and weeks on end. Lying there, hoping, waiting, wishing, whilst her tears form a pool around her to drown her.

in loving memory,

Her hands smooth over the headstone and trace the engraved letters, fingers trembling. Always trembling. She is so cold. And his voice comes to her in her sleep, wakes her from the intermittent slumber, a hand on her shoulder gently shaking her awake. She’s sure it’s him, so sure of it, his name escapes her lips. David— It’s his face, merely for a second, before the familiar furrowed brow of her son appears.

“Come on, Mom,” he says, always. A sympathetic smile on his face. Her breathing is laboured, forming a cloud in front of her mouth. “Time to go home”

As she starts to get up, the ground beneath her rumbles, and he disappears quickly. She reaches out for him, hands just missing his as he seems to fly away from her into the dark night. The grass wraps itself around her once again, encasing her arms, gripping tighter the harder she pulls away. She screams, always screaming, until her head slams violently into the headstone.

beloved father, brother, and son.

And she wakes. In sweat, sometimes blood, as she shakes so violently in bed that her head clashes with the board behind her, and most definitely tears. And the space next to her in the bed is always empty.

—

The realisation hit her on Sunday.

The kids hadn’t been to school for a month since it happened, and as for herself, she’d hardly moved out of bed, let alone gone to work. It was bad for her, she knew that, but there was something— that whenever she moved just a muscle, it hurt. It had to be psychological, because she’d had no physical trauma whatsoever, just emotional.

Her Sister had come into town on behalf of their mother, to nurse her back to health and to watch the kids whenever she slept herself into oblivion only to be awoken by nightmares. She had never really been fond of him, but his passing had unleashed a pack of grief within her, too.

She sat on the sofa in front of the TV, the volume on low, almost static- probably a problem with the electricity. She’d have to call someone. The kids’ backpacks sat in front of her half empty, half full of newly purchased school supplies.

“Mom?”

She sniffed, pulling her head from her hands and looked toward the bottom of the stairwell where Leo stood. Plastering the falsest of smiles, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and ushered for her to sit on the sofa with her. “Yeah, baby, what’s up?”

“Are you okay?” She asked, nestling into the arms of her mother, who held onto her as tightly as possible, pressing her eyes closed as more tears formed.

She could only nod. “Yeah,” she mumbled. “I just, I have to go and get gas for tomorrow. The car hasn’t been out in weeks so there’s nothing in it. Don’t want to be late for school now do we?”

“Why are you crying about gas?” Leo asked, and as dumb a question it was, the way that she really was crying over going out to get gas was even dumber.

“Want me to get gas?” He calls from the living room. She’s chopping vegetables in the kitchen and she leans her head forward in line with the hallway. He stands at the bottom of the stairwell donning a coat and hat.

“Would you? You lifesaver, I’m nowhere near finished with the lunches for tomorrow I won’t have time to go” She answers, as he heads into the kitchen and grabs the keys from the surface in front of her.

“No worries,” he replies, a smile on his face as he presses his lips to hers. She clutches onto the knife, her eyes fluttering shut briefly. A frown as he pulls away. “Garlic breath”

She only laughs. “Drive safe, its snowy outside”

He jangles the keys on his way out. “Will do”

She just shrugged. “Your father used to do it for me, he knew how much I hated it. I’d always be tucking you kiddos into bed and he’d hop down to the station and fill the car up for me. Be back in time to kiss you goodnight”

The smile that had found itself on her face, reminiscent of the memories, faded quickly as reality set back in. “And this is the first time he isn’t here to do it”

—

He’s holding her hand. It’s bliss.

Smiling, he presses a kiss to her forehead before pulling her into his chest and wrapping his arm around her. She fits perfectly under his chin, and it’s always something she had liked. Her arms wrap perfectly around his waist. It’s home.

He smells like liquorice, his favourite, and her mind flashes to where he always hid the secret stash so that the kids wouldn’t get at it. It was on one of the top shelves in their kitchen, mainly so he was the only one that could reach it.

She feels the sand beneath her toes, wriggling them and letting the grains bump lightly over her skin. It’s their wedding day, she remembers now, a beach wedding, so they planned it in the back of a pick up truck in senior year. Because he was so sure that they would last.

in the name of the lord,

And she’s sinking, the sand crawling up her legs with a quick pace, like it has a mind of its own. Just like the grass, the more she struggles, the quicker she sinks. He let’s go of her completely, stepping away out of sight - disappearing into the light of the sun because it’s so bright, so bright, she’s going blind. And the sand reaches her neck and encapsulates her airways, and she’s choking. Quickly and fast, and painfully.

Because even though he’s the one who passed away, she’s the one who feels dead.

i now pronounce you man and wife.

And she wakes, coughing and gasping for water, the duvet almost on the floor. Her daughter sleeps next to her, stirred awake at her constant coughing. She flinches when she feels a hand on her shoulder, the childlike voice nursing her back to normality. And the photograph on the mantle piece is smashed from the backlash of the nightmare- and he exists only through a cracked screen.

—

Thursday nights had always been the worst of the entire week.

Aside from taking Leo to youth club in the middle of town, she also had to take Zach to soccer practise. The traffic was worse than it had ever been and when they finally arrived at the training centre, most parents were already parked. The lot was almost full, and as she pulled onto it, she eyed the last space in the corner.

Pressing her foot down on the gas, she drove toward the spot, coming into collision with another driver with the exact same idea. She flew forward, Zach’s head bouncing back and forth with her and she gasped quickly. “Oh my god”

“Ow,” he groaned in annoyance.

“Oh, baby, are you okay? I’m sorry” She asked quickly, looking toward him in the passengers seat. He rubbed the back of his neck and she put a hand on his shoulder and checked over his upper body. Kissing his head, she quickly unbuckled her belt and exited her car. “Hey!” She called loudly, approaching the other driver. “You almost killed my son”

“Bit of an overstatement, lady” he called back in response. His voice was bitter and he restarted his car and began driving into the spot. She frowned angrily and ran around the front of the car and pressed her hands on the bonnet to stop it from moving. The driver honked his horn at her and she grimaced a little. “Get out of the way!”

“This is my spot” She called in response. “I am here to drop my son off at soccer, I’m already late because of this godforsaken traffic, and now you’re going to try and steal my spot?”

“Mom!” Zach called, running toward her from the car, a frown on his face. “What the hell are you doing? Move out of the way”

“Get back in the car, Zach” She shouted, her voice beginning to waver. She could feel her anger turning into sadness, and her mind becoming reminiscent of things she’d tried so desperately to repress that day. She looked back at the driver. “This is my spot”

“Mom, it’s just a parking spot” Zach said, heading over towards her, taking one of her arms. He yanked hard enough so that she moved away from the car and he drove into the spot. “You’re embarrassing me” He said, still holding onto her arm. “It’s just a parking spot”

“It’s my spot” She repeated, pulling her arms away from Zach’s grip and beginning to pace around on the spot. Her breath became shorter and sharper and tears prickled in her eyes. “It’s my spot, Zach, it’s my spot” she kept repeating it as she felt herself crumble to the ground in the middle of the parking lot.

“Your road rage is terrible, you know that?” He says, opening the fridge and pulling a plate of leftover casserole out from the middle shelf. He opens the drawer next in the centre island and pulls out a fork. “I mean, I swear I thought that guy was gonna call the cops,”

She just laughs, leaning against the counter opposite him and sighing deeply. She puts her head in her hands and rubs her eyes. “He shouldn’t have got in my way”

“Damn right!” He answers in response, causing her to laugh loudly. He puts the casserole down and walks around the island toward her before putting his arms around her waist and looking down at her. “He’ll know not to mess with you in the future”

“Doubt I’ll ever see him again, babe” She replies, a smile on her face as he presses a kiss to her temple. She leans her head on his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heart as he strokes the back of her head with his hand.

“Certainly won’t” he responds. “Cause now he knows you’re on the warpath”

She covered her mouth and Zach crouched next to her embarrassedly, placing a hand on her back and pulling her toward his arms. She cried into his arms, loud, body wracking sobbing, falling to pieces in the middle of a fucking training centre parking lot.

Zach never went there again.

—

She figured out she was healing on day 154.

It was what had become an average day. She’d stopped crying as much, started getting out more. Her Sister moved back home, forcing her spend more time with Zach and Leo, but she didn’t mind. She had missed them in the wake of her grief.

A Saturday morning, nestled on the sofa in front of the TV with the kids as the ending of a movie rolled into the credits. It was nearing 11am and she was yawning, not surprising. Zach perked up as the movie finished whilst Leo began flicking through the channels for something else. “Mom?” he asked.

“Yeah, baby?” She replied, moving about on the sofa to face him. She took hold of his hand that lay next to hers on the sofa and bought it to her mouth to kiss it. He smiled a little before he spoke.

“Can we have pancakes for breakfast?”

“Breakfast?” She challenged, laughing a little. “I don’t know about you but it’s almost lunch, my little man”

He pleaded, launching himself at her, wrapping his arms around her neck as he buried himself into her chest. She was laughing, groaning a little at the pain it caused her but she let it slide. Leo inched our from beneath her as they began squashing her. “Hey!” she exclaimed angrily.

She pushed Zach up off her, still laughing as his grinning face came into view. He helped her back up and she sighed as her back hit the back of the couch once more. Leo had found another movie on the TV that was just starting and had already settled down to watch it. “I’ll see what I can do”

Standing from the sofa, she headed around toward the kitchen. Clearing the table of its contents, she laid a new cloth over it before heading toward the kitchen with the empty cups from the table. As she passed the cupboard on her right, she eyed the photograph on the wall of the four of them.

She awaited the tears that always came. They didn’t. She awaited the shaking of her body to start. It didn’t. She awaited the clash of the contents in her hands to sound. Non existent. And with that, she took a pinch of salt.