#mhariley

Hello! Thank you so much for sending this in and I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope I can give you some positive ideas and advice for you to move forward.

First of all, I am so sorry that you are in this situation and your boyfriend has made this decision to move on. I understand how you may be feeling and it is okay to feel sad after a break-up. However, we must realise that we have to put ourselves first and look after ourselves. I understand the struggle you have been through and are going through and I encourage you to take some time to yourself.

This doesn’t mean you cannot think about him. I understand this may be difficult, but spending time on yourself can be more about focusing on what you need and what your body needs. For example, taking an afternoon at a spa or even just a nice bubble bath at home may be relaxing for you. Do you have any assignments or work projects you could get a head start on or catch up on? You could also look into new hobbies. Here are a few you could look into or try:

Photography

Gaming

Writing (stories, scripts, poems etc)

Painting

Drawing

Running

As well as trying something new and spending some time focusing on yourself, I encourage you to try and stay away from social media. I know how difficult it is with social media to not check up on someone, but this could be the next step in moving forward to you. You can do this in a number of ways. You could either block him like you have suggested or delete the apps from your phone for a while or stay away from your phone and laptop altogether. You can start by staying away from social media for an hour or so, and build up to a day and so on. This is a great way to feel more in the moment and less worried about things online.

I do understand that social media is a positive thing in many ways though. You do not have to stay away forever, it is okay to use it! A week or two away from social media can really help you get out of any habits and I encourage you to try this. I know a lot of people who do this often - every few months they will take a few weeks away from social media to reduce any unhealthy habits. They then can return feeling better about themselves and ready to move forward. Do you feel this is something you could do?

If you feel that deleting your apps will not help you, then there is another option I have used in the past. I have allowed my friend to take my accounts and change the password so I could not get into any social media accounts. You can let them have the password for a few days or few weeks and, when you are ready to return, they can change it back to something you know for you.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are strong and independent and ready for anything that comes your way. I hope you are able to move forward positively and feel better about yourself and where you may be going.

Hello! Thank you so much for sending this in and I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope I can talk through some ideas you could use to move forward with your family and leave the past behind you.

The first thing I would like to say that this is not your fault. Regardless of what anyone says, you have done nothing wrong. You did what was right at the moment and you did a responsible thing. I am so sorry that your parents cannot see this, but this doesn’t mean they can’t move forward with you.

There are a few ideas I have which you could try, however the big one which may receive the best results is speaking to your parents in a controlled environment. Sitting down and explaining how their words are affecting you may really open their eyes and clear up some things. If you wanted, you could explain how you felt in the moment and you were unsure of what to do, so you chose to do the responsible thing of ringing your parents. Speaking about forgiveness is also a great thing to do and to start a conversation may spark some thinking for them.

If you do not feel you could speak to them face to face, you could perhaps write them a letter explaining how you feel when they speak about that moment in your past. You can then hand this to them and be present when they read it to answer any questions or even leave the room. If you are really unsure and just need to get your thoughts out your system, you do not have to pass the letter on to your parents. However, I feel speaking to them will really help you move forward and have some closure on their thoughts.

As well as writing a letter, you could write down moments in your past (going forward) which you have felt uneasy about, such as that moment. You could shut these away in a jar or box and leave them there. This way, you can know that these are in the past, locked away and unable to escape into your present. I know this may sound strange, but I felt it has worked for me and hope you may be able to do the same!

Another option would be to speak to a healthcare professional if it is affecting your mental health. This isn’t a shameful thing to do, it only opens up doors to more resources and discussions about how to move forward and perhaps speak to your parents. You can do this by approaching a doctor/GP and asking if they could advise you on who to speak to.

Our past is in the past and it is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to feel guilty or upset about how things played out, but we must remember that we acted the best we could in our situation. I am so sorry your parents are making you feel this way and pulling you down. Remember that you are not defined by your past and we only go forward as a more developed person. You’ve got this.

Hello! Thank you for sending this in, I really hope I’m able to give you some great tips.

Staying positive can be very easy, but it can also be difficult. Something I tell myself constantly is that tomorrow is a new day. It is a day where I can change my mood, I can be a new person and I can start new things. It is never too late to change or start or finish something.

Another thing I tell myself is that it will be okay. Everything that happens is there for a reason, even if it causes great pain. It makes us stronger and gives us experience for the future. It is about discovering emotions and learning how to cope with them.

I think one of the most important things to remember, though, is that it is okay not to be okay. It is okay if something happens and it makes you mad or annoyed or upset. Our emotions tell us things; we care about something, it makes us uncomfortable, we like it etc. Our feelings are valid. We would not know happiness if we did not know sadness. If you feel like you need to have day watching movies and crying, that is okay. Just know that tomorrow is a new day and you can start over.

Some activities you could try are writing down accomplishments or reasons to not give up when you are struggling. Something I do is write on paper accomplishments or times of happiness put them in a jar. When I am feeling down or reflective, I can open the jar and have a look through all of the papers. Below I will link you to two pages on our blog for inspiration - one with accomplishments from our followers and the other for reasons not to give up, again from our followers.

MHA Accomplishments

MHA I Won’t Give Up

Remember that it will get better and to take time.

Hello! Thank you so much for sending this in and waiting for a response.

Coming to terms with who we are can be very difficult and it is only the first step to becoming our authentic self. Coming out can be very easy or very challenging and I understand how difficult your situation may be.

The first thing I would like to say is that you are not alone. You are worthy and loved and valid. It is okay to be nervous about coming out or feeling like you cannot. If you feel as if you would be putting yourself in danger by coming out, it may not be the best thing to do right now. There is no one forcing you to come out, it is down to when you feel ready and if you feel ready.

A way to start a discussion would be to perhaps ask her questions or involve transgender in the conversation. For example, having a discussion about her beliefs in general or watching a documentary with her which may touch on the topic. This way you can put together a more clear vision of her beliefs and find out her true feelings.

A lot of those who do not agree with something are uneducated or they have been brought up a certain way. If you feel you can talk to her, remember that her first reaction isn’t her only reaction. Many of those who react in a negative way when people come out to them are just their first thoughts. After letting it process and speaking about it openly, they can begin to process it in a positive way. Unfortunately, as you may know, this isn’t the case for everyone. But there is hope for those who do not see eye to eye with you at first.

Do you feel you could talk about gender with your grandma, without coming out to her? You could perhaps tell her that one of your friends has come out as transgender, and speak to her about that. This way you could educate her on what being transgender means and how being transgender doesn’t make you any less of a human being.  

There are lots of resources on YouTube that you could look into, explaining terminology and speaking about how to discuss the matter with loved ones if they do not understand.

I really understand the frustration you may be going through as well as fear. You are so strong and this is a stepping stone in your journey. You do not have to rush, but listen to how you are feeling and know that it is okay to be you.

Hello! Thank you so much for sending this in and waiting. I hope I can give you some advice and techniques to help you feel a bit better.

I completely understand where you are coming from as I have experienced this recently and I am still struggling with it. Mood swings or bad moods can overtake us and become overwhelming very quickly. Our anger can be due to various reasons and part of controlling that anger can be to understand where it comes from. With me, my anger comes from not being able to control a situation or just feeling anxious about something. My anger can be very intense and control how I speak to people.

Being angry isn’t our fault. It is our body trying to perhaps defend ourselves or control a situation in a negative way. When I feel angry, I now tell myself to step away from the situation, take a deep breath and clear my head for a few moments. Returning to the situation, I am able to look at it in a different way or speak to someone about the options. This is really helping, especially when I am at work and feel angry but cannot show it because of customers and colleagues.

Do you feel you could come up with a little mantra for when you feel angry? Something along the lines of ‘step back and breathe, it will be okay’ just to remind yourself that it will pass. Another thing to do, after you feel that way, is to write down why you feel you felt angry and how you overcame the emotion in a booklet. This may help you understand why you have these sudden feelings of anger and how to perhaps approach the anger next time.

Something else which I know has helped a lot of other people with their anger is taking some time to relax. This can be meditation, listening to your favourite album, taking a bubble bath or playing a sport. There are lots of apps on mobile phones or videos on YouTube which talk you through different meditation techniques. Some are based on breathing and some are based on clearing your mind just to name a few. I encourage you to try this once a day. Perhaps after a long day or before work or wherever you feel it would help the most. Make sure you are comfortable and in a quiet environment without any disruptions before you take a moment as this will help you focus.

Know that it is okay to be angry. Our emotions are valid. But, we must remember that anger is not a solution but a message to ourselves that something is affecting us. We can control how we let our anger out; positively (thinking about resolutions or how to deal with the situation or feeling safely) or negatively. Letting our anger out positively and figuring out how to do so may take time, but it is so worth it for yourself and the people around you.

MHA Anger Management

Our MHA blog has a page dedicated to anger and different ways to cope with the feeling so I hope you can find a way which helps you. I believe in you and feeling angry does not make you any less of a good person.

Hi, Lee! Thank you so much for sending this in. I understand that you may have some doubt, and I hope I can show you some resources and share some ideas to help you.

It really does sound like you are on a good path and you are doing so well to be at this stage. However, I completely understand the doubt or worries you are having. It is normal to feel this way and want it to just be over with a click of the fingers. I often feel as if the journey is taking too long for me which is incredibly frustrating. I wonder if I will ever get through it or leave it behind, but I must remind myself that it is okay to have these doubts. I must embrace them and move forward and turn them into something positive.

It is great that you have looked for professional help and are seeing a therapist. I hope that you find it useful in some ways. Therapy is sometimes enough for someone or not enough and that is okay. Everyone works differently and copes with their emotions differently. Do you feel you could do a little research into anxiety if you haven’t already? We have a great page explaining all about anxiety which could be of use to you. Understanding how we feel can be very helpful when trying to recover and overcome our fears.

MHA Anxiety

I understand your therapist may have given you some techniques to practice when feeling anxious or if you experience an anxiety or panic attack. We also have a few pages which I encourage you to look at as they may open up some new ideas for you. We have a page on tips to calm anxiety and panic, a page with grounding techniques on and a page on mindfulness.

MHA Calming Anxiety and Panic

MHA Grounding Techniques

MHA Mindfulness

The mindfulness page leads on to my next point. Although you speak with a therapist you can also express how you feel through writing it down in a diary or through a piece of writing. Do you feel you could try this as well as therapy? You could also dedicate a specific time each day to sit down and write down your worries for the day. This way you can try and aim to keep your worries to this specific time or, when you feel anxious, remind yourself that you can focus on root the feeling later and write down how it made you feel. In the moment, focus on getting through the feeling in a safe and healthy way.

I also encourage you to spend time with friends and family. Spend time on yourself doing your favourite hobby. Make sure you are able to dedicate some time to enjoy yourself knowing that your worries are in a book or on a piece of paper at home. Do you feel you could speak to a friend or family about how you are doing? This way they could offer extra support during this time and help you throughout your journey.

I really believe you are doing a great job. It is okay to struggle or have a moment where you question yourself. It does not mean you have failed or going to fail. We have to know that setbacks are not us, but the rise we have after those setbacks with our bravery.

It will take time but I know you can get there. You are worth that life you speak about when you do not have to worry or feel anxious and you can get there.

The last thing I will leave you with is our page on ‘I Won’t Give Up’ messages. I hope you can be inspired by what others have written and come up with your own reason. You can do this.

MHA I Won’t Give Up

Hi, Tal! Thank you so much for sending this in.

My brother struggles with dyslexia, so I hope I can help you a little bit from his experience.

First of all, I think it would be beneficial to have a look at what dyslexia is and how it may affect you. I will link you to a page which I found really useful. On this page at the bottom, you can also tick some questions which you may relate to.

International Dyslexia Association

If you tick 7 or more, you may struggle with dyslexia. Here’s what to do if you believe you do struggle with it:

If you are still in school, talk to a teacher. They will be able to provide extra support, even without a diagnosis. This could include extra time for tests, homework and a little more one-on-one during lessons.

If you are at work, speak with your boss or colleagues. Again, they may be able to provide support or make things a little easier for you.

To get a diagnosis, it is best to seek professional help by making a doctor’s appointment or finding a local dyslexia charity. You can do this usually by calling up or speaking to someone at reception to see a doctor, or by visiting a local information centre to find some organisations.

They may have to refer you to someone who has more information and who is able to diagnose dyslexia, but you can make them aware of the concern while booking your appointment with the doctor.

If you find an organisation, then speaking with them will help you make an appointment with the right people to be assessed. The diagnosis assessment can be different because of where you may be in the world and how old you are.

From my understanding in the UK with children, the healthcare professionals observe a child in their learning environment. They may be asked to read or write something or solve a puzzle.

I will also link you to the NHS website for Dyslexia in the UK, as it still provides some interesting information.

NHS Dyslexia

I hope this has helped and I hope you are able to remember that dyslexia does not mean you are not smart. A lot of intelligent people struggle with dyslexia, and it does not make you any less of a person.

Hello! Thank you for sending this in and I’m so sorry about what people say and the whole situation.

Hurting is okay. Hurting is human. We choose who hurts us and when to forgive. That control we have is our own and is important. It is okay to feel hurt or angry or upset about this and to not sure where to go next.

Are you in a position to write her a letter or email to explain how you feel? Perhaps letting her know in a one-sided conversation how you felt about the situation will help you move forward and get out some of the raw feelings you are experiencing. If you feel this wouldn’t help, how about writing a letter and not sending it? This way you can still get the emotions out in a healthy and safe way before moving forward.

I completely understand where you are coming from with wanting to check her social media profiles and today it is so easy to do so. In my experience, this can be hurtful towards yourself and one of the best ways to get out of the habit is to take a break. Deleting our apps for a few days or weeks can be really healthy for us to do. We may feel disconnected, but in the long run, it really helps us to get out of bad habits. If you feel you can’t delete your apps, then blocking your ex-girlfriend can be a good start and it will prevent you from seeing her profile easily.

Another way of doing this is allowing a close friend to change your passwords for your accounts, and tell them to give the password to you in a week or so.

During this time away from social media, if you do decide to, can be a great time to focus on yourself. Feeling upset and angry over something can be exhausting or just simply build up in our systems. Taking some time to watch our favourite film, take a bubble bath, go on a jog or play some sports can really help us relax and escape for a little bit. If you like, you can ask a friend to join you! It is important that we look after ourselves and find balance with our emotions to make sure we can be happy and healthy. Do you feel you could make a list of some things you would like to do or try out? You could aim to tick everything off within a week!

Along with the list of activities to do, perhaps write another full of ideas of distractions for when you want to check her social media or if you feel angry about what happened. We have a page on MHA for distractions ranging from physical to creative. I will link you below!

MHA Distractions

It is more than okay to feel this way and how you feel is valid. Working on yourself and taking some time away from how you are feeling will hopefully relieve some of the emotions which may feel so raw at the minute. You have been hurt, and it is okay to feel unsure or scared of relationships. When you feel you are ready or you meet someone new, perhaps speaking to them at the very beginning how you feel and how you may be hesitant with things.

Speaking about it to someone you may be in a relationship within the future can be really helpful. It will keep the discussion open and honest as well as an open door to you speaking to them about anything else. However, you do not have to tell them anything if you feel you cannot. You could simply say that you have been hurt in the past and will take things slow for your own wellbeing. This is okay, too!

Trust is something which is gained and lost. It can be gained in many different ways without us even realising it, so if you find yourself worrying about building it back up again with someone it is okay. Remind yourself that it will be built again, without you realising it. Keep expressing your emotions safely and healthily through a hobby or sport and tell yourself that you can love and be loved again. You are worthy of love.

I really hope I have helped in some way or opened up some ideas for you. You are worthy of love and trust and an amazing partner in the future.