#merwidow

As he began to walk away again, Meredith wasn’t sure whether to leave him alone or try and get him to listen. Her gut had settled with the latter, so she once again began to speed walk her way next to him.

“But you aren’t listening.”

Cormac jumped slightly, he had been entangled in his own thoughts and hadn’t even realised that Meredith had followed him. “Meredith, please. I get it, you’re sorry. There’s nothing else to say right now.”

She huffed out a breath. This man infuriated her. What did he mean there was nothing else to say? She had apologised to him multiple times and he wasn’t even acknowledging it. Or he was acknowledging it and just didn’t care.

As Cormac took a sharp left and walked straight into his office, Meredith didn’t stop following him and sat down on his sofa as he walked over to his desk, shuffling through some papers.

“Do you not have a service to run?” He didn’t even bother looking up from the chart that he was reading.

Meredith eyed the pen that sat on the small coffee table in front of her. Maybe throwing it at his stupid, bald head would make him look at her.

“Yes, but there’s nothing urgent to do right now and Richard has got his eye on the residents for me. They’ll page if they need anything.”

At last, Cormac glanced up at Meredith but before she could open her mouth again, he had looked away and began to gather some files in his hands. “Right, well, I actually have things to do so you’re going to have to go.”

Meredith quickly stood; a glare fixed on him. “That isn’t fair, and you know it.”

Cormac didn’t want this argument. Not right now. He needed some space and time to cool off before he spoke to Meredith again. He didn’t want to yell or say something that he didn’t mean. All he needed right now was a little bit of time to cool off and then he would be able to talk to her. But she wasn’t willing to give him space and that just ended up aggravating him even more.

“What isn’t fair is you barging in on my case, giving options to parents that you haven’t even spoken to me about, that I sure as hell would not have agreed to! You had no right, Meredith. No right.” Cormac slammed the files back down on the table, making Meredith jump a little. “I asked for your help, not for you to take over.”

“I-I-“

“You what, Meredith?” Cormac squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. He tried taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down, but it wasn’t working. This was why he needed space. He hadn’t wanted to yell at her, he would have much rather preferred to talk to her about this calmly when she came down to his house later. Instead, here they were.

Cormac had been expecting his girlfriend to bite back. He had seen her in arguments, knew what she was like in the few arguments that they’d had. Instead, he was met by silence. A strange and slightly worrying silence. When he opened his eyes again, he found Meredith sat back down on the sofa, elbows resting on her knees as she rubbed her face. She looked… defeated. An attitude that he was not attuned to seeing in her. He watched the slow rise and fall of her shoulder as she let go of a deep breath and tentatively took a step towards her.

In all honesty, Cormac hadn’t thought he had been that harsh. Sure, he could have come across differently, but he hadn’t thought he had said anything that could have made her that upset. It took a lot more for someone like Meredith to be brought down, or so he thought. He had seen some of the things she had to deal with and what he hadn’t been around for, other people in the hospital had let him know about.

“I’m an idiot.” Meredith’s mumbling eventually broke the silence, briefly looking up at Cormac before staring at her hands.

As much as he wanted to agree at that moment, Cormac saw how crestfallen Meredith looked. The look on her face was enough to make his heartache. She wasn’t the type of woman who was found to be upset very often but when she was, Cormac found himself doing everything in his power to make that feeling go away for her. Right now though, he wasn’t quite sure what to do because as much as he wanted to fix everything for her, he still wasn’t over the fact that she had completely taken over his case the way she had. He didn’t want to brush it off like it was nothing because this was important to him. It was important for Meredith to know that he wasn’t going to keep dealing with that. In the end, Cormac decided that it was best for him to stay quiet for now.

“I should never have gone and bulldozed my way into your case like that.” Her voice was small, not brimming with the usual confidence and assertiveness.

“I wouldn’t have put it like that… more like a bull in a china shop…”

“Like I said… idiot…” Meredith could feel her eyes burning and she willed herself not to let tears fall. This was not something to cry about. “I promised myself I wouldn’t be like that…” she mumbled quietly.

“What are you on about, Meredith,” Cormac’s tone was gentler now. He took a seat next to her, leaving some space between them.

Meredith blew out a breath of air and slowly lifted her head to look up at Cormac. ‘You know that Derek was an attending, and I was an intern when we got together?”

Cormac nodded his head. The two of them had spoken about both Derek and Abigail, a topic that neither of them had shied away from. There were always going to be certain things that they weren’t going to share though, things that they would want to keep for themselves. Cormac wondered if this was one of those things.

“The power dynamic between us… it was never quite right. I love him and he loved me but even when I became an attending… it still sometimes felt like his career was always going to be more important than mine. It caused us a lot of issues. To be honest, it was what most of our arguments ended up being about. When Christina left for Switzerland, she reminded me that I was the Sun, not him. Just when I thought we were getting back on track, that there was some kind of balance he died…” Meredith cleared her throat before carrying on.

“Then there was Andrew and this time he was the intern, and I was the attending. I tried to make sure that the same weird power dynamic didn’t exist between us… but I guess it was inevitable. He felt like I didn’t respect him. And then I met you and we’re both attending and we’re both Chiefs of our own department and it’s never felt like I had to compete with you or had to prove something to you.

“You’ve always pushed me to do better, to be better because you’ve believed in me, and I always want to do the same for you. But I don’t know, it’s stupid but there are days where I feel myself falling back into old habits, where I feel like I have something to prove again and I just go storming in without thinking. I know that it doesn’t excuse anything, but I really am sorry, Cormac and I’m going to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again but I swear there are days where I’m just set to self-destruct.”

Cormac didn’t say anything for a while which ended up just worrying Meredith. She thought she had blown it with him. Why would he want to deal with her when she acted like that? This wasn’t a competition between them. They were two grown adults who loved each other, who wanted each other to thrive. Meredith knew that there was no need for what she had done today, and she understood why Cormac was angry. She just hoped that he would be able to forgive her and give her a chance to do better next time.

She jumped slightly when she felt an arm wrap around her shoulder and pull her into Cormac’s chest.

“I love you, Meredith Grey. Do you understand that? I don’t care if you win 100 Catherine Fox Awards and end up as Chief of Surgery here. I am going to be there every step of the way, cheering you on, being there when you need someone to lean on. Do you know why? Because I know that you would do the same for me. Today was a slip-up, an almighty one at that but there is never going to be a competition between us, Mer. At least not when it comes to our jobs… maybe when it comes to the last slice of cheesecake.”

Meredith felt a small smile crawl onto her face as she cuddled into his chest. “I can apologise to the parents if you want me to?”

Cormac just shook his head and rubbed her back. “Don’t worry about that, I’ll get it sorted.”

“I really am sorry.”

“But you’re still in love with the other guy.” He could barely hear her whisper he has a name before he saw her nod. “It’s cool, I mean, I can’t say I’m not disappointed – but you deserve to be happy. And if he’s who makes you happy, and what you want, then it’s cool.” He smiled sadly at her, and a pang went through her heart, knowing she was leaving him. But it was for the best. The entire time she was with him, all she could think about was Hayes. And it felt unfair to Nick to continue seeing him when she could only think about someone else.

“I’m sorry, and thank you. You deserve to be happy too.” Meredith squeezed Nick’s hand, and said a quick, soft goodbye before heading to her boarding gate.

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By the time Meredith got back to Seattle, her only mission was to find Hayes and ask him out on a proper date. She didn’t want to waste time anymore.

MG: You around?

…

CH: Almost off shift. Why?

MG: Can you meet me at my parking spot when you get off? It’s important.

CH: Sure, be there in 15.

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Hayes had no idea what on earth Meredith could need or want so late at night, and he was surprised that she’d texted him so quickly when he knew she’d just got off her plane. He figured she’d want to head straight home to her kids.

“Hey – what’s going on?” Meredith heard Hayes call out from behind her, and she felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest. She quickly spun around and smiled at him.

“Go out with me. On a date. A proper one.” She said as soon as he approached her. “Woah, wait – what?”

“I want to give us another chance, a real, earnest chance.” Meredith said to him, making direct eye contact with the man.

A second goes by, a surprised look on his face, no response. He thinks it over in his head.

This is the one thing he’d been waiting for her to ask him for so long – for timing to finally be on their side. For them to finally be together, with nothing in their way. And he’d have said yes with no hesitation if he didn’t know about who she’d just been with.

“I’m sorry, Grey. I can’t.” He said, diverting his eyes from hers. And now the surprised look found itself on her face.

“What, why? I thought you said Austin was doing better?”

“It’s not because of Austin. I… Grey, I heard about the guy from Minnesota.” Meredith’s eyes went wide. She hadn’t told him about Nick. “Wait – how?”

“Overheard Shepherd talking to Pierce about it.” She could feel his eyes piercing into her, and yet somehow, she couldn’t look away.

“Hayes, I’m-“

“Don’t. I don’t know what happened, and why you’re here now, and frankly I don’t want to know. But I do want to know why you didn’t tell me you were seeing this guy in the first place, yourself – why I had to overhear it accidentally from your sister. Why I’m always the fallback. I can’t go on a date with you because I need to stop letting you treat me like the second choice, the person you go to when things go wrong in another relationship. I am perfectly content just being your friend, and I will never regret having you in my life. But I need to respect myself enough to remove myself from a situation where I’m not a first choice. I’m sorry Grey – but I can’t do this anymore.” Meredith was speechless. His stoic stance and facial expressions showed no remorse. She had really screwed up.

“I’m sure the Minnesota guy is great, and I hope you can go back to him and live happily ever after. But I need to just be in your life as a friend right now. I need to know that I’m not just a fallback. Abby wouldn’t want that for me – I don’t want that for me.”

“Hayes – you’re not a fallback. You’re not a second choice.” Meredith said, tears threatening to fall, an intense desperation behind her voice. No man had made her feel the way he did, and she hated that she made him feel like she only wanted him when someone else didn’t.

“Then prove it. But don’t be surprised if I move on. All Abby wanted for me was to be happy.” And with that, he walked away from Meredith, over to his car and drove away, leaving her standing alone, filled with immense regret and shame over how badly she screwed things up with him.