#mepolyweek

Over and over the nightmares come, but as odd as it sounds, the worst nightmares are the ones he has about losing the people who are still with him. More specifically, when he loses Ashley and Kaidan..

It’s always the Reapers that take them away, and it doesn’t matter what Shepard does to try and stop it. Even when a small part of his subconscious knows he’s dreaming he never calls out the warning soon enough, never runs fast enough to reach them, and he can only watch as Kaidan and Ashley look at him from where they’ve collapsed, reaching for him just before they’re engulfed in the Reaper’s red blast and when Shepard jolts himself awake moments later he can still feel the ache in his pounding heart, hands shaking as he pushes the sheets off of himself, and it’s a wonder to him that he’s never cried out for them in his sleep.

Tonight’s no different, it seems, and for a few seconds after waking up Shepard just stares at the roof of his cabin, trying not to make too much noise as he catches his breath and gets his racing heart back down to its normal pace.  

On either side of him Kaidan and Ashley are both still sleeping, the thin sheet tucked under their nude forms because it had just been too warm earlier after their exertions, and Shepard’s glad that he doesn’t have to try disentangling himself from any blankets as he sits up, slowly moving down to sit at the end of the bed.

The cool air of the room feels good on his heated skin, and Shepard takes a deep breath as he brushes his hands over his face. They’ll be heading to the Sol Relay soon and he needs to rest, needs to focus, but his mind is hazy, and hasn’t quite caught up to the fact that everything he saw was just a nightmare.

His partners aren’t gone. They’re both sleeping just a few feet away from him, safe and sound, but as much as he knows this peaceful moment won’t last he can’t bring himself to just enjoy it either. Not with so much hanging over them..

“..Shepard?”

“You okay, Skipper?”

Damn it.

Shepard closes his eyes with a soft sigh when he hears them stirring behind him; he’d hoped to get through this without disturbing either one of them but he probably could’ve guessed that that wasn’t going to happen. Even when they weren’t in the same room they just seemed to know when something was wrong with him.

The mattress dips a little as both of them move up from their own spots to sit beside him, Kaidan on his left and Ashley on his right, but for a moment Shepard can’t answer or meet their gazes because in the back of his mind he can still see it: the Reaper’s beam cutting through the battlefield, devastating everything it hits, and mocking him just before it takes away the two most important people in his life.

Shepard tries not to flinch as he tries to chase the thought away, and he lets out a shuddery breath before he reaches down to take both of their hands in his, drawing them up to his mouth to press soft kisses to both of their knuckles but then he just holds their hands there, unwilling to release them but still too scared to meet their eyes.

Shepard can almost feel the looks being shared between his partners but neither of them try to draw their hands away, or pressure him to speak before he’s ready. After a few moments Kaidan reaches up with his free hand, gently rubbing the shoulder on his side to try soothing him, and then Shepard feels selfish.

They’re both scared too. They’ve both got family and friends they’ve lost to this war too, and he should be the one comforting them. He forged the alliances, he’s the one leading the charge, and he’s the one everyone’s looking to for strength, whether they were already fighting in the trenches or standing on the CIC desk awaiting his next orders.

He’s Commander Shepard, the one the entire galaxy’s watching, and if he can’t stay strong then.. Well, he already knows what’ll happen then, but telling himself to put on the brave face and be the fearless leader is so much easier than actually doing it.

Maybe it is selfish and maybe it isn’t but right now.. right now he just needs them.

“Are we gonna make it?”

The words are out before Shepard can stop himself, and a silence just hangs over the three of them as they all seem to struggle with what to say next. Shepard bites back another sigh, hands falling down to his lap, but still he doesn’t release the hold he has on theirs. He’s just not willing to let them go yet, in any sense of the word.

“It’s gonna be..” Kaidan starts to reply but then he trails off and they all know it’s because there’s not much he can say that would really reassure them, and after another moment Kaidan lets out a soft, sigh. “It’s gonna be what it is, but for what it’s worth.. I think we’re ready. You’ve put the people and the vision together, Shepard. You’ve built hope, for all of us.”

“Well, I’m glad I inspire that in you,” Shepard replies quietly, his gaze still fixed ahead of him. Kaidan gently rubs his arm again as Ashley lean over, resting her head against Shepard’s other shoulder, and he relishes in the comfort of the physical contact. “We all knew this moment was coming, but now that it’s here.. It just feels like I’m forgetting something..”

“You’re not forgetting anything, Skipper,” Ashley says, and the tone she speaks with makes Shepard almost believe it, or at least makes him want to believe it. “We’ve got a chance now and we’re all behind you, okay?”

“Okay,” Shepard answers, and saying it actually seems to take some of the tension away. Ashley nuzzles her face against his as Kaidan presses a soft kiss to his shoulder, and Shepard finally raises his head to look at them. “You two being here, with me.. It means everything. And you’re both right; we’ve got hope and a fighting chance now, and we’ll kick the Reapers back to hell.”

They both smile before leaning forward, almost in sync as gently press their foreheads against his temples, and Shepard closes his eyes again, taking in how different their hands felt in his grip as he breathes in their scents , so unique compared to one another’s but still blending so perfectly to him.

He feels a pang in his chest again but this time it’s not fear, but the reminder of how much these two mean to him, how much he completely and utterly loves them. He’s still scared, more than he’s ever been before, but they were right. Thanks to the alliances made and the hope they inspired they all had a real chance against defeating the Reapers, and both of his partners would be with him until the end, no matter what that meant.

“We’re both with you, Shepard,” Ashley replies, smiling as she kisses his cheek, and Shepard finally manages a smile of his own, which only grows when Kaidan kisses his other cheek.

“Until the end of the line,” Kaidan finishes, and when the silence falls again it’s not filled with the fear of what the next few hours would bring, but with the comfort and safety they all get from each other’s presence, and for the first time in a long time Shepard doesn’t worry that this quiet moment will be their last. Instead he’ll use this memory to overcome the doubts, overcome the fears, and he’ll drag himself across the battlefield if it means having the chance to hold these two in his arms again.

Let’s see the nightmares take that from him.