With the new season of Game of Thrones underway, Matt Meador and I look at the hallmarks of any successful fantasy epic, the essential elements that need to be in place to be considered a true member of an oft-maligned genre that we hold dear.

TO: East Prairie School Fundraising Committee

BCC: [email protected]

FROM: Steve Shillcox

RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting

  Hello Everyone,

 It's Steve Shillcox. I just wanted to drop a line further explaining some of the things I said at the meeting on Wednesday, and hopefully getting us off on a better foot for next week's meeting.

I honestly thought it was just going to be a quick coffee get-together where we brainstormed some ideas, and maybe set up a schedule, but obviously things got out of hand, and I'm still not quite sure why. I know I raised my voice, I think I may have said something offhand about Rob's son, but it's all a blur to me now, so please accept this as my blanket apology.

I just...I just think I may have been a little irritated with how quickly people shot down my pancake breakfast idea, but it just seemed like no one even gave it a chance. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Dennis yelled, "Turd!", and everyone seemed to accept that as some kind of decree. Is that how people talk to each other? Is that how we want our kids to talk to each other? I hope not.

Do I still think Fun Runs are a huge fucking waste of time?  Sure, but I shouldn't have taken it out on Helen, and I know that. I swear knocking my cappuccino over on her was an accident, but I can completely understand how people might think otherwise.

Anyway, let's not forget this is for a good cause!  All of our children need a new gymnasium, and I for one want to be responsible for giving it to them.

Mending fences,

Steve

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TO: East Prairie School Fundraising Committee

FROM: Dennis Berele

RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting

  Turd! Sincerely, Dennis

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TO: East Prairie School Fundraising Committee

FROM: Helen O'Connell

RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting

  Steve,

I see that your idea of an apology includes an f-bomb. Is that how people talk to each other? For someone who is concerned about the word Dennis yelled, I find this quite odd. Are you insincere or just confused? I already forwarded you my dry cleaning bill. I appreciate you putting this together, Steve, but your tone of apology could use some work. I won't play victim to your passive aggressive nonsense.

On a more positive note, I think one of those dunk tanks could be fun, but I can't get in it, because I hate getting my face wet. I guess if Fun Runs are out, I'd just like to prompt our kids to get outside! I think my Seamus might be losing his hair from playing that Skyrum game!

Helen O'Connell

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TO: Dennis Berele, Robert Dendak, [email protected]

FROM: Helen O'Connell

RE: RE: RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting (FYI: STEVE IS NOT ON THIS EMAIL!)

  I hope I wasn't too harsh on Steve. Maybe we all could pitch in $5 and we could get him a gift (once the new gym is finished of course).

Helen

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TO: East Prairie School Fundraising Committee FROM: Dennis Berele RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting

I'm sorry, that was meant to be a joke. I cannot apologize enough for my exclamation, it was a totally unintentional reaction. I'm not even sure if I was calling Steve a turd, or the idea a turd (which it mostly is). I think we all learned a lot from the Spaghetti Supper and the Ice Cream Social, namely that they are lame and dated and might be okay if we were a VFW local or Elks Club or something, but we are a progressive, forward thinking public school, and I think we can do better. Painting Steve's mended fence, Dennis

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FROM: Brian Hedgecomp

TO: East Prairie School Fundraiser Committee

RE: RE: re: Last Wednesday's Meeting Hola Amigos, This is Brian, I'm Steve's barista at The Grinding Bean. Just wanted to chime in and say that I’m a little upset that my manager Terry gave out my email address to a customer. That’s not the kind of work/life balance I cultivate. Steve, I also don’t understand why you felt the need to BCC me on this email. BCC actually makes me really uncomfortable, which is why I decided to reply-all; I really try to live my life with an ethos of openness and honesty. Really I wouldn’t be responding at all but I was super disappointed to hear that one of my cappuccinos was used as some kind of a weapon, accidental or no. That’s not my ethos, or the ethos of anyone at The Grinding Bean. Even Terry. (And Terry’s told me a hundred times about how he once spent 19 months in jail.) In closing, I’d love it if some folks could come out to The Lamplight Gallery next Tuesday for the opening of my new show of Non-Erotic Nudes. Many Voices In Harmony,

Brian

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TO: East Prairie Fundraising Committee

FROM: Steve Shillcox

RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting

  Hello Everyone,

 First let me say that I'm glad my wife told me to drive out to the dunes and walk around for a bit before I replied to Dennis's first email.  I parked my Subaru Forester at the base of the Cowles Bog Trail, queued up Van Morrison's Moondance on my Nano, and let the sand under my feet do the rest.  After trading knowing nods with a solitary heron, I knew it was time to let go and be honest with myself and everyone else. 

When I checked my email on my phone when I got back to the car, and I saw Dennis's apology, it all made sense.  Yes, let's look to the future with this fundraiser, let's get the kids outside like Helen suggested, and let's meet again next Tuesday at Brian's non-erotic nudes show with open minds and open hearts.

Rejuvenated,

Steve

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TO: East Prairie School Fundraising Committee

FROM: Robert Dendak

RE: Last Wednesday's Meeting 

  HEY so.......pardon me here but what abotu my son???? Maybe its just my opinion but i think Steve is just jellous you don't have a son like mine. Kyle is on a team and your son isn't on that team also. Maybe if you look in the mirror once in a while you'd see you could be the bigest hippocrit. I'll do this fundraisor but then I'm probably going to quit the committe. Sorry to do it this way over email but I've had enough. Dennis, you're OK by me tho.

Btw I want to say last spring I watched Hellen steal poker chips from the dealer during the Poker Night in the annex. good thing we spent all that money on the special gambelling permit.Sorry over email but its been bugging me.

I'll say it again for the record, fun races are alright we raise good money and people get exercise, that's another bennefit. Apology accepted Steven.

Dear Bit City, Last week I murdered a stranger at the Redbox outside my Walgreen's. I know that taking the life of another is one of the worst things a person can do, and I deserve whatever punishment the law sees fit. It was just that he was taking FOREVER with like 6 people behind him in line, then chose some straight-to-video piece of shit even though all I had to do was return Moneyball by 9pm so I didn't get charged for the extra day, and I totally saw him turn around and acknowledge all of us, then go back to reading plot summaries. Was I at least kind of justified a little bit? Sincerely, Awaiting Trial in Tucson Bit City: Dear ATiT, While it is perfectly acceptable to mind-murder anyone, crossing the line and committing real murder is only acceptable in a few situations, like if you are defending the life of a child, or you are an Immortal and have to cut the heads off of other Immortals to go on being immortal. We have all been in that Redbox line, and experienced that kind of frustration. So in order to prevent more DVD kiosk related crimes, I think we need to set up some basic guidelines:   1. Everyone is entitled to browse for a period of three minutes without judgment or hassle. Let’s be honest, if you make it past the new releases and don’t see anything you want, you should probably just go home and watch Storage Wars or go to sleep because you will end up renting The Italian Job for the third time or one of the Michael Gross Tremors sequels. But for the first three minutes, you are the king/queen of the kiosk. 2. Do some research at home. Approach the kiosk with a top selection, a contingency, and a “fine, whatever”. 3. If you elect an extended browsing period, it is the height of courtesy to allow people behind you to return their DVDs. 4. If you approach the Redbox at the same time as another customer and are only returning, you should let your competitor know this and quickly deposit your DVD(s). If they are also only returning, the “ladies first” rule should apply. If it is two ladies, the uglier one should go first. Two dudes, defer to your elders. If both parties are renting, the same priority rules should apply. 5. Have your credit/debit card in hand prior to beginning your search. Nobody wants to watch you fumble through a 20-gallon shoulder bag for your wallet. There are countless other Redbox scenarios, but if we can follow these simple rules, hopefully we can alleviate some of the annoyance, frustration, and murderous rage associated with having to be a member of a society.

Sincerely,

Matt M.

Semi weekly night sweats/night terrors

Unreasonable breakfast demands

Three hidden bottles of blackberry brandy

Petrified dog turds camouflaged in oriental rug patterns

Obstructive sleep apnea

Much less closet and drawer space than was promised

Fist bumps with neighborhood drug dealers

Compulsive hoarding of ketchup/mustard/soy packets

Aggressive DVR management