#answerdesk

Dear Bit City,

I’m at the park and need a quick answer. Should I let my toddler walk around the edge of this empty concrete fountain all by himself? He really wants to.

Sincerely,

Tired Dad

Dear TD,

Every parent has to find the right balance between Helicopter Parent and Free-Range Parent. If you're too overbearing now, in just 10 years he'll rebel and flip his friend Shork's four-wheeler mid-fistpump. And if you let him live and learn like your dad did to you, well, then you're turning into your dad. Which is inevitable. You already floss like him (languidly).

When in a situation where you're not sure how much intervention your child needs, ask yourself the following questions:

1. How badly would my child get hurt? Are we talking ER visit? Because that is expensive.

2. How many other parents are watching this kid and wondering where the hell his

dad is? Is it just one or two, or is a whole murder of lacrosse moms looking for every reason to judge you? (He's already got a fudgsicle smear on his neck).

3. Can you use his sister to distract him, without having to get off the bench? Some kind of, "Calliope, go show Wolf the dead wasp you found!" You know he wants to do anything Calliope is doing.

After your assessment, act accordingly. But if you do intervene, make sure you're super casual about it so everyone knows you're not about to land on the helipad. And if you decide to keep sitting, stay at the park until all the other parents have left. If your son calls out your name, look the other way. Basically pretend like that jerk of a dad who didn't help his son on the fountain is someone else.

P.S. Have you ever really looked at the word "fudgsicle" just typed like that? It is truly hideous and we hate it.

Sincerely,

Sarah W. and Matt T.

Dear Bit City, I’m a huge fan of summertime blockbusters. There is nothing I love more than relaxing in a chilly movie theater on a scorching summer afternoon. Loud crashing actioners, sci-fi pulse-pounders, and even the quirky indies - I love them all! So, when I'm reclining in that comfy movie seat, I like to make myself at home, slip off the old boat shoes, and let my toes breathe.  Is this an OK thing to do? Sincerely, Toe Dangling in Denver

Dear Bit City, Last week I murdered a stranger at the Redbox outside my Walgreen's. I know that taking the life of another is one of the worst things a person can do, and I deserve whatever punishment the law sees fit. It was just that he was taking FOREVER with like 6 people behind him in line, then chose some straight-to-video piece of shit even though all I had to do was return Moneyball by 9pm so I didn't get charged for the extra day, and I totally saw him turn around and acknowledge all of us, then go back to reading plot summaries. Was I at least kind of justified a little bit? Sincerely, Awaiting Trial in Tucson Bit City: Dear ATiT, While it is perfectly acceptable to mind-murder anyone, crossing the line and committing real murder is only acceptable in a few situations, like if you are defending the life of a child, or you are an Immortal and have to cut the heads off of other Immortals to go on being immortal. We have all been in that Redbox line, and experienced that kind of frustration. So in order to prevent more DVD kiosk related crimes, I think we need to set up some basic guidelines:   1. Everyone is entitled to browse for a period of three minutes without judgment or hassle. Let’s be honest, if you make it past the new releases and don’t see anything you want, you should probably just go home and watch Storage Wars or go to sleep because you will end up renting The Italian Job for the third time or one of the Michael Gross Tremors sequels. But for the first three minutes, you are the king/queen of the kiosk. 2. Do some research at home. Approach the kiosk with a top selection, a contingency, and a “fine, whatever”. 3. If you elect an extended browsing period, it is the height of courtesy to allow people behind you to return their DVDs. 4. If you approach the Redbox at the same time as another customer and are only returning, you should let your competitor know this and quickly deposit your DVD(s). If they are also only returning, the “ladies first” rule should apply. If it is two ladies, the uglier one should go first. Two dudes, defer to your elders. If both parties are renting, the same priority rules should apply. 5. Have your credit/debit card in hand prior to beginning your search. Nobody wants to watch you fumble through a 20-gallon shoulder bag for your wallet. There are countless other Redbox scenarios, but if we can follow these simple rules, hopefully we can alleviate some of the annoyance, frustration, and murderous rage associated with having to be a member of a society.

Sincerely,

Matt M.