#mebeingme

From a small step for a man, a video conference today. Today was the day things started getting a lot more real, but once again it was nothing but positive, even though I was crying at the end of it - they were tears of joy, of gratitude, relief. This is a long post; the tldr is basically yay me, a door has been kicked wide open and I have been welcomed inside.

The lady (let's call her Sarah) asked about my pronouns (idc but my name is Vivian, Miss Jackson if you're nasty); and even though I was sitting with open mind, the next question was kind of a curveball. Sarah asked me to use terms about my experience that made me feel comfortable, and it's a bit odd but I hadn't given it a second thought so it took me a moment to think of some good words; things like acceptance, positivity, conviction.

The whole thing is a bit of a blur now, of course, because of what it really entailed for me. Of course I had been waiting for weeks, and I had no idea what to expect so I just entered being completely open. There was no sexual aspect to any of the conversation, and although this was as much as I might expect from a preliminary conversation with a medical professional, it was nice to be able to 'tell my story' as Sarah put it. Since I started taking these small steps, momentum has been gathering for a giant leap, but I don't think it's going to work that way; I'm not to wake up tomorrow being Cinderella. Which is good because I just did my nails.

There's something really important I need to add here, not that I am trying to claim any kind of advantage or be poseur; but, I live in Canada. This is going to cost me nothing beyond the heavily discounted price of prescription drugs, and new clothes. If I lived in the US this would be an impossible dream, and although the vast majority of Americans would live nowhere else, the costs attendant with this procedure have to hold back a great many desperately unhappy people, and that makes me feel very sad. Having said that, because of where I am, the whole financial side is a giant nothing, and that absence is a giant comfort level inherent that others are mired under. This I get. To me it's just another huge positive about undertaking the journey; I already have clothes duh.

Anyway, the conversation was fairly brief, about half an hour, and by the end of it I am now in the lineup for voice coaching and mannerisms; a hormone assessment; and a Zoom peer group. Just. like. that. This person I see myself as; the one wearing those clothes, feeling more at home in my decrepit old body than I ever have. The thought of having breasts terrifies me as much as it want it for validation, and I will have nowhere to hide any longer, even if I'm not in the office, I can't pretend my camera is broken forever, and in one on one with boss it's going to be unavoidable.

I have no idea how I'm going to speak with my mother about it, and of course there is yet the whole "everyone I know except the 4 people who know thing"- the dozens of long time friends at work, the dozen or so close personal friends, and the dozen or so significant family.

I do know I have absolute faith and belief in myself, that I shall not waver at all - I found someone in myself that I feel compelled to be outwardly as much as inside, and that person's voice has become a clamour that has torn down walls and reshaped my mind, it is time now for me to start being her more, because if I truly want this, if Vivian is really who I am and love as me, it is here - the hand has been offered, and I have taken it.

I am way beyond any simple adjective like 'happy' or 'validated'; this is my whole being entering metamorphosis, up until now the whole experience has been mental and inward; it's now going to also be physical and outward. Here I come, world, fucking right these lovely new boots are made for walking.

The fact that I happened to find them in someone else's idea of the 'wrong' department, along with the nice 'skinny' b/w check tweed leggings, is nobody's business but mine. They are not women's clothes, they are my clothes, and I can't wait to take the next step now, which is an androgynous haircut and eyebrow work, and a makeup consultation.

Like I said above, for now at least there is nothing remotely sexualized, or to my mind deviant, about this change - it is a massive step forward in terms of personal growth, empathy, understanding, courage and self-reliance, and shoes.

Fortunately, the currently deleterious habits of being a budget driven designer whore with a penchant for shoes shall become advantageous vices as Vivian, and she is going to like that just fine. It's just something I feel inside; call it women's intuition lol

“oooh you hear that, he’s gonna jutsu you right outta hyrule!”