#mcu posts

But the avenging part, that was the part of you job you weren’t too fond of. Taking down HYDRA agents, drug cartels, alien invasions, that kind of thing. It’s not that you couldn’t do it, you were more than capable of that. When you wished, your hands and arms would become engulfed in flames and you could hurl fireballs at your enemies. But hearing them scream, the agony and terror that you put them through, was too great a burden to bear sometimes. 

This mission had been one of those times. You, Bucky, Nat, and Wanda had gone on an operation to bring down a drug cartel that was accused of selling body parts on the black market. While sitting on the quinjet you could still hear the crackle of a fire in your hands, the warmth that radiated off of them, like your own personal sun. Could hear the screams of agony as you blasted the men you were after with your fire bolts. Heart choking sobs of pure pain as they fell, their skin having been burned beyond repair. You could see the damage you caused, the roar of the blaze almost too much to drown out the sound of your team telling you to get back on the jet over comms. 

You sat there, literally smoldering, when Bucky came over to check on you. 

“Hey darlin’ you good?” He asked, as he folded his arms over his chest and flashed you that million dollar smile of his. God his teeth were so white. White. Snapshots of stark white bone around oozing melting flesh came to mind in an instant. You tried to slow your breathing. 

“Yeah, just fine.” You lied. You didn’t like lying to Bucky but you couldn’t help it. You didn’t want to be a burden when he had enough going on. 

“You sure?” he questioned, his voice having a slight edge to it, like he doubted you, smart man. 

“Yeah, good as gold baby.” You said with a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. You were lying and you were fairly certain he could tell. He sat next to you as the jet took off into the night sky. You tried not to but you looked out the window anyway and balked at what you saw. Heavy, black, plumes of smoke billowed into the sky from the warehouse on the ground. The embers of your fire hours from dying out. The fire and smoke was the only thing that light up the once black night. 

At once you bolted for the bathroom, fighting back the tears you knew were coming. Thankfully, you made it into the bathroom and locked the door behind you before fat, hot tears slid down your cheeks. Stinging your eyes and making it hard to see. You could feel your body shaking and your heart being squeezed into a vice like grip as the anxiety attack took hold. You covered your mouth with one hand as you began to choke on your heavy sobs, hyperventilating as your body attempted to breathe air into your lungs. You felt a scream start at the back of your throat that you did your best to silence, in the end it came out as a meak whimper. You buried your head in your lap and rocked yourself back and forth, holding fast to the material of your uniform. Trying to find something, anything to ground you. 

Crying against the bathroom wall you opened up your glassy eyes to see Bucky breaking down the bathroom door and striding over to you. 

“Sweetheart.” He breathed as he sank on the floor in front of you. He took your body between his strong arms and rested your head against his chest. He softly rocked you back and forth, letting you sob into his uniform. 

“Talk to me, moya lyubov, tell me what’s wrong.” He whispered into your hair. 

“I- I killed all those people. Th-their screams, I can’t stop hearing their screams Bucky.” You choked out, voice slightly muffled by his body. 

“Shh, baby, baby it’s okay, it’s okay, look at me.” He said with a soft but commanding tone. You brought your head back and slowly looked at Bucky. “I want you to breathe with me okay? Can you do that?” He asked gently. He brought both of his hands up on either side of your face, holding it like you would a baby. 

You nodded your head slightly, the feeling of Bucky’s hands, metal and flesh, on your face calming you down more than you thought possible. His thumbs softly stroked your cheeks as he and you took a deep breath in. After five seconds, you both breathed out. His warm breath fanned across your face, your shaky one coming out not as even. His intense crystal blue eyes bored into yours so much so that you needed to close them to escape their intensity. After five more deep breaths you were feeling sufficiently calm. 

“Thank you.” You choked out, voice still hoarse from crying. 

“You’re welcome.” he said, coming to sit next to you and wrapping a strong arm around your shoulders. “I get them too.” 

“You do?” You questioned, looking up at him. His eyes, less intense than before, but still fierce, met yours. 

“Yeah, sometimes I can see fragments, kind of like snapshots, of who I was before. Of the Winter Soldier. Can hear people begging for their life.” He said quietly. You wrapped your arms around his waist and gave him a comforting squeeze. 

“I’m sorry.” You said, after a moment. 

“It’s okay. I can’t say it gets easier but I can say that it helps to have someone to help you. You don’t have to carry this burden alone muy voin.” 

“My warrior?” You chuckled. 

“You speak Russian?” He questioned. Azure eyes searching yours. 

“Mhm. My mom is the goddess of the hearth. Last time I checked they have hearths in Russia.” 

“So that means…” Bucky trailed off, his face turning a slight shade of pink. 

“I know you called me ‘my love’, I don’t mind.” You reassured him, giving him a peck on his cheek. 

“Moya lyubov what am I gonna do with you?” He chuckled under his breath.