dear tempe, arizona:
ā sometimes, i still think i can feel your warmth on my skin.
do you ever think about
why did you lea
could i ever have gotten you to stay?
dear tempe, arizona:
if i concentrate hard, real hard, i can hear what your voice sounds like. iām starting to forget but iām trying my best not to. i think thatās why iām hooked on american television. american candy. why iāve got an american girlfriend.
dear tempe, arizona:
if thereās one thing i canāt forget, itās that night on the highway. dad with his hand on the steering wheel, you in the passengerās seat. i can see where your curls stick up against the headlights of other cars, and youāre looking over at him with a small smile on your face. your hand reaches out to touch his cheek. he smiles against it, holding your wrist with his free hand and kissing your fingertips. when we get home, when you tuck me into bed, i reach out for your cheek. you kiss my fingertips, too.
dear tempe, arizona:
did you fall out of love? is that what happened? is there anything that couldāve made you stay in it? if there is, please tell me. i promise iām not blaming you of anything āĀ iām not, i swear iām not. i think you did what you had to do. if you had to leave, i donāt blame you. that was what you wanted. itās just, see, iām still terrified of people leaving. i know it sounds like iām thinking itās your fault, and iām so sorry. i donāt mean it like that, i could never, and iām not blaming you for it ā i just donāt wanna feel it again. if you could tell me, so i could prevent it, that would be awfully kind of you.
dear tempe, arizona:
iām waiting for people to fall out of love with me. iām waiting for everyone to be tired of it, of me, of blushing, of rambling, of worry, of whatever it is iām made of. iām waiting for āoliver, this isnāt enough.ā
dear tempe, arizona:
iām afraid of falling in love, too. i donāt know if i want it. i donāt know if i like it. because all of the good stuff, all of the butterflies and the goosebumps come with this overwhelming fear of what itād be like if they were gone. it comes with a trust that they wonāt be tired of you by the next morning. it comes with a complete honesty i havenāt even come to terms with myself. i donāt know if iām ready to cross that line. i donāt know iām ready to be this open. i donāt know if iām ready to be vulnerable. isnāt much better to be safe?
dear tempe, arizona:
i think i hurt someone.
dear tempe, arizona:
i know i hurt someone.
dear tempe, arizona:
i miss you
dear tempe, arizona:
iām scared
dear tempe, arizona:
i donāt want to be alone
dear tempe, arizona:
hi! hello, how are you? is everything okay? i havenāt seen you in a while, but i hope youāre doing well. is it still sweltering over there? itās december, but i read somewhere that you get an average of 300 sunny days a year. 300 days! isnāt that crazy? that means youāve only got around two months of cold, which is less than a regular winter. thatās what makes arizona so memorable, huh? i swear, i still canāt get it off my skin ā iāve got freckles all over to prove it! i havenāt had christmas in a t-shirt in ages, you should see all the sweaters iāve accumulated over the years. weāve started competitions, over here, for the ugliest sweater. i never win, but thatās because i donāt know where dad gets those ridiculous pun shirts. itās been eighteen years, and heās been wearing them since ā well, you remember! probably longer than iāve been alive, thatās for sure. iām frightened by novelty pop culture christmas apparel now, which is a niche dad seems to slot into quite comfortably. we all love him anyway, but iāve got a sneaking suspicion that only josie thinks itās as funny as dad does. anyway, i tried to get the popcorn tinsel tradition going this year, but it doesnāt work out so well with a family of this size ā been meaning to ask you about that, too! are you sure thatās a real thing, or is it just a you thing? no one iāve asked has ever heard about it, but iām sure things are different over in america. one thing i do love, though, is that once upon a christmas tape ā yāknow, the one with mickey and the harmonica and the repeating christmases with the ducks? absolute classic, that is. aunt cam is still trying to fix the vhs player, but i reckon itās hopeless. thingās gone haywire for five years now, bless its soul. i think iāll try to go look for another one; scour the pawn shops, maybe. who knows?
if itās cold where you are, i hope youāre staying warm (with the popcorn tinsel and your favorite movies queued up!).Ā
happy holidays!
best regards, oliver.
