#maybe it's

I remember showing this specific panel to my friends and asking them what emotion they thought it conveyed.

They collectively decided on 'horny'. So win ig.

Dark.

It is dark. I cannot see anything, I cannot feel anything. There is no sound. I’m not even sure I’m breathing. I am aware of nothing at all except for the fact that I am alive.

And the moment that thought crosses my mind,I doubt it. Am I truly alive? What does it mean to be alive, to be human? 

Is it emotions? I have none.

Sensations? I feel nothing, it is dark all around me, in my ears, in my nose, in me.

Memories? I cannot recall anything but the dark.

Knowledge? What does it mean, really, to know something?

Here is what I know-

-It is dark.

-I am… not alive, perhaps, but conscious.

-There is a world, out there, somewhere, with people and laughter and beating hearts

-I am not in that world. 

-I do not know where I am

This list does not help me. 

Help me do what, exactly? It is not like I can escape. Where would I even escape to? 

The world that I can picture, with human beings and warmth and light- but also pain and suffering?

At least here, I feel nothing. Maybe that means I can never be happy, but it also means that pain is nothing but a fact, something that exists out of my realm of knowledge.

I cannot see, I cannot hear, I cannot breathe, I cannot feel. 

******************

Light.

There is light. I cannot tell where it is coming from, it is so bright that my eyes cannot register a single other thing. I hear a person. They are breathing, loudly. I am breathing too. I can feel it, in the way my chest expands and collapses, quick and restless. I am aware of everything, everything except-

Life. I am alive. I am so horribly, painfully, alive that for a moment, I long for the dark place again. But the moment that warm hands wrap around me, tears drip onto my face (they are not my own), I do not want to leave.

Everything is too much. Too much light, too much sound, too much emotion. Too much knowledge.

Here is what I know-

-It is bright. It is so, so bright.

-I am alive. It hurts. Being alive hurts so much.

-There is a world, out there, somewhere, where I feel nothing. 

-I am not in that world.

-I do not want to return.

The breathing is laughter, I realise. Not happy laughter. I know what that sounds like, this is not it. It’s hysterical, almost (that is a pretty word, hysterical), and it sounds much more like someone crying. Am I crying?

Also time trying to hug people but the won’t let him