#mayathebea

I am 98% sure i have a yeast infection AGAIN, AS WELL AS a UTI, AGAIN. And because I am a giant failure at life, after living in a new place for 8 months I still have YET to find a general practitioner doctor person, so I'm going to have to go to the med express clinic and hope they can test my urine and give me a prescription for an antibiotic to make this horrible painful thing GO AWAY. I really don't like going to med express because EVEN WITH INSURANCE it costs a buttload of money and I hate going to the doctor because I always feel like I am going to say the wrong thing and they're going to think I'm lying about everything and say NO MEDS FOR YOU, even though that never happens. 

I was up at 4am because I had to pee SOOO BADLY and like nothing came out and it burned so bad and my entire labia is red and inflamed and itchy and the entire area just smells BAD and frankly I just don't want to have a physical form anymore. so by the time i had to get up for work at 6:30, I was already tired again and wanted to go back to sleep, but I couldn't, cause I have to go to work. I nearly fell asleep in my car like 5 times on the way to work, which was scary as fuck.

oh, and to top it off? I have two psych doctor appointments this week to try and find a new doctor to prescribe me ADHD meds that make my life functional. Really scared that neither is gonna give me a prescription this week, and I'm gonna have to call my old doctor with my tail between my legs and ask for her to snail mail me a script for more meds even though I said I'd find a new doctor by now. 

My anxiety is also running rampant because I'm super stressed about life because I talked with my sister last night about how I'm not bisexual, I'm gay. Shes being super supportive, and that really helps, but I'm still freaking out about telling my parents. That really scares me, not because I think that they'll disown me or anything, but I kind of know how the conversation might go. My mom is probably gonna ask me "if I'm sure" or something like that. I don't think they'll call it a phase, but that's what it might sound like. I don't really know how my dad is gonna handle it. I think if my mom is okay with it, my dad will be. But its still gonna be rough.

The real problem is that NOBODY in my family is gay or queer or anything, and I literally have nothing to go on about how the rest of my family is going to react. I really don't want to be the first, but its gonna have to be me. I just KNOW i'm gonna be tokenized, and I really don't want to be that person, and it's just a lot to think about and handle. Like, I don't want my coming out to my entire family to be a massive thing? I can almost conceive of coming out to my parents, and maybe I could handle that, but I'm from a HUGE jewish family, and everyone is a terrible gossip, and if I tell one person, EVERYONE IS GOING TO KNOW. I really don't like people talking about me behind my back, and I don't know whether that's worse that the emotional agony of having to come out to every person individually. One of the reasons it took me so long to finally put the pieces together was my fear of being different and being talked about behind my back. If I didn't think about it, I wouldn't have to address it, and I could keep the secret from myself. That way, I would never have to know that I had a secret, so that nobody, including me, could ever find out, and tell everyone my secret without my consent. In many ways, it's pretty fucking brilliant, but also damaging in ways I never thought possible.