My Messy, Unproductive Studying Sanctuary.
This is where I am held up tonight. Typing, deleting, and retyping something about muon decay for a lab report that is not due until Friday. I’m not sure how I feel about this semester. I have finished seven weeks and done so much, but it feels like no time has passed at all. I feel trapped in a viscious inbetween place where I am close to graduate school, but have done nothing concrete to apply. I have started my upperlevel course work, which I feared I would fail or be crushed under the unfamiliar mathematics, but I have been doing better than I have ever done in previous semesters.
It does feel nice to have a semester filled with Physics courses, but I still feel a bit lost as far as where my place is. I keep reminding myself that I can’t let research take over all of my time, but it’s easy to get sucked in.
I was attempting to analyze data I did not collect for an abstract I am submitting later this month. I began in an organized way, but I quickly fell down a rabbit hole of wikipedia desperation. The truth is I am lacking in the deep foundational background necessary to form opinions on how my measurements relate to eachother when the material has never been published on before. It is exciting and fun to be on a project studying something so novel, but it can be mentally exhausting trying to keep myself up to pace. I will reach a point where I don’t understand why a certain interaction is happening, open a new tab to try and understand, and within that new tab I find something else I don’t completely understand.
I feel unbalanced in trying to do legitimate science and understand what I am doing, while also not spending all of my time looking up background for a project I am barely getting a few class credits for.
I feel uncertain for the future but by golly am I so grateful to be doing what I am. I often self reflect before sharing how I am feeling towards a particular problem because I never want it to come across as spoiled or ungrateful. A professor outside of my research was discussing my analysis with me and he quite simply stated “Sara this is graduate level work, stop discouraging yourself”. To which I almost laughed because it was so shocking to hear. I expect so much from myself, and forget to realize that what I am doing is nothing I am expected to already know. For now I am enjoying the process and trying to not be too hard on myself.
Is any of this coherent? Doubtful, but I needed a quick brain dump so I can go on spending far too long writing this lab report.