šššš± zach
@zach-gilroy
( š ) a cute text
text: Look what I just found in my closet. -selfie of her in a Bruins t-shirt-
text: It was the first hockey game you took me to and you said that it was a travesty for me to think that I could go to the game dressed the way I was so you let me borrow this t-shirt and at the end of the night you told me to keep it. Gosh, I can still remember the way my heart just fluttered because it was the first time I really felt like you believed that we were a long term thing. I know that sounds silly putting so much stock in a shirt and maybe that wasnāt that kind of moment for you but I just remember you leaving the next morning and I put it on again and I have this clear vivid memory of being so completely happy. Like somehow wearing it just said I was yours and I loved it.
( š ) a text meant for someone else
text: Nooo. You come over here. Iām too comfy and you didnāt have so many complaints about my lumpy couch last time!
( š ) a text that was never sent
text: I love you so much. More than I have ever loved a person in my life. I love you for a man that loved me. I love you as a friend who I have so many moments of laughter with. I love you for you being my family because you are and I think that is why I have never been able to let you go. You were my first feeling of family after I was put into the system. And the thing about family is that itās this connection of love that carries through time and trials. Itās a bond that can weaken and hurt at times but never really be broken. You are that for me and a part of me is grateful for that and another part wishes that wasnāt there. I always thought that having that love would be enough for us. Even after everything the last few years I think I always knew that weād end up back together because we had this that couldnāt be broken even through every heart break. It would be you and me. You keep saying that it still can be, but I donāt know that I can let it be, Zach. I donāt know why the one time you slept with another woman when we werenāt together is what is the one time that is hurting me the most. Why I canāt just accept what is and look into what the future holds. Or maybe itās because I have looked and I am so sorry but I donāt want it. I want you. I want my life with you. But I donāt want my life with you and Savannah and your twoās child. I know that when I meet your son that I will love him. I will love him because he is a part of you. I would treat him with the love that he deserves. I would want to somehow be family to him too because he is yours. But I will constantly feel guilty that he is also a reminder of all the times that you hurt me. Of all the times you have broken a promise to me. I will constantly feel this overwhelming jealousy that I hate myself for. That I will feel entitled in always thinking that he should have been mine but then I will see her features and your features together and feel my heart rebreak over and over again. That thoughts will plague my head of why I couldnāt have just been enough that we could have stayed together to have this family. I would have given you anything that you wanted. You know there isnāt anything I wouldnāt have sacrificed for you. I would have followed you to anywhere that you needed to be. I would have supported you through every career move everything that you faced. I canāt help but think that if you had just reached out to me instead of her that we would be headed back into the direction that we both wanted. That I wouldnāt have to feel so sad and angry. I donāt even think I am angry with you as much as just life. I know that it owes me nothing but I just didnāt think that loving a man for 8 years of my life and expecting to get to start his family with him was such a terrible thing to believe that I could have? Why am I not allowed to be selfish just with one thing? Why couldnāt I be selfish and have you fully? Growing up I just wanted a family but then we met and we fell into this deep love and I wanted our family. And I think that this is in part why this is so hard for me. Why this hurts more than anything you have done. Because I feel like I am grieving. I am mourning what I thought would be ours. Because for the first time since falling for you I canāt make myself believe in our future. I donāt want to step into something that I know is just going to hold more pain for me. I love you and want you but I donāt know how to allow myself to have you without just letting myself stay broken.
( š± ) a scared text
text: What if we donāt end up together? What if every moment of happiness that we find outside of each other fades and we hurt someone else because of it? I donāt want to hurt anyone else because of us. I donāt want to do to someone what has happened to me.
















