finding my place in the world's symphony

“You’re underestimating me. Not wise,” Brayden shook his head at her. “Has it been that long? It’s about time I think about trading you in,” he twisted his lips. “But for now what couple you thinking? You wanna make the first move or should I?”

“Mmm, well I will wait to hear the I told you so in your acceptance speech then.” Michaela leaned her head back, brow raised. “Trade me in? Am I a car to you?” At his questions her nose bunched up at the thought. “I guess I should just be thankful for the relationship progress in my life. At least this time around my boyfriend is being considerate enough to have my opinion on a third party being involved,” she laughed.

“What do you mean I don’t mean it?” Brayden clutched his chest, letting his head shake after a moment. “Is that why you brought me here? Trying to throw some hints?” He played it with a straight-face, glancing around the room.

“Stick to medicine, my love. I just don’t see an Oscar in your future.” Michaela let out a laugh, shaking her head at him. “Yeah with almost a year into this thing I thought it was time to bring other people into the mix. Been getting kind of bored of the whole monogamy thing.”

“I don’t think any of my nights like this actually made it to us getting the sleeping bags out, we usually just crashed. But something tells me you were a better kid than me.”

“Oh definitely. I mean I rarely got to have sleepovers but when I did it basically consisted of the latest Leo movie and sleeping uncomfortable on a hard floor. What were yours like?”

“I could never hate anything with you by my side,” Brayden let out in an obvious sarcastic monotone. A subtle smile hinted up his lips, barely there as he looked back at her. “Where to next, boss?”

“Even when you don’t mean it it still sounds romantic,” she fluttered her lashes before laughing. “I don’t know... All these games seem kind of like one step away from a swingers party.”

“Honestly I think she swindled me. Saw something better coming down the pike and let me have this one,” he half-joked with a little shrug.

“What could be better than a room of half dressed women and never ending alcohol?” It felt off joking like this but she didn’t know what else to say.

“Savannah drew the short end of the stick on this one, hmm?” She offered the conversation as they ended up at the snack table at the same time. Being mindful to not let herself get too engaged in conversation.

“How much are you hating this?” She hugged his waist, looking up at him with an already amused look before he answered.

“And I didn’t expect to monsoon, I just thought it would be a quick little rain.” Addie wrapped her arms around herself trying to warm up while she waited for the hot chocolate. “Yeah its been quiet because it’s essentially The Day After Tomorrow outside.”

“There always seems to be that one summer storm every year. Always a little ominous.” She turned around to gently slide the steaming mug over. “Well if that was a case, while being in a place with food and water is smart, I admit I am not the greatest choice as Apocalypse partner.”

“You’re fine,” he shook his head, a little laugh falling as he caught her, hands resting on her sides to hold her in place up close to him. “I’d prefer you come to bed with me, but I don’t want to be too picky here,” he shrugged, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “Did you have fun tonight?” He was a bit curious as to what made her drink like this. Did she just need to let loose? Did something happen?

Michaela looked up at him with a smile. It was sincere because she loved that she came home to him, but there was a sadness that she had been fighting all night still lingering. “Oh, but you, Doc. Have always been a very picky man.” She didn’t know how to answer his question and that probably showed as she took a second to think about it. “It was good. Fine,” she quickly corrected but didn’t want to elaborate so she moved on. “Do you want to know the best part of it?”

“I don’t know what you have with him. I know nothing about that. And on the surface maybe I’m talking about it– but in reality I’m not. I’m talking about us and how I know what we have… not had.. what we have. What we share. How you feel about me and how I feel about you. And that… no matter what you have now, how healthy and good it is… it’s not that. It could never be that,” he shrugged. In his heart he knew she believed that. And not just that the loves were different, but that one was meant to be. “Maybe you’re happy now with him. But this thing between us isn’t gone and honestly it’s not really changed– you’ve just refused to be around me so it’s not in your face,” he shrugged.

Her heart was racing, in part from her anger in other because his words were speaking to her. She didn’t want anything he was saying to be true, but Michaela knew from the ache she felt listening to him that what they had would always be there. That no matter how many doors closed on them they were still connected. But she loved Brayden and what they had. She didn’t want to lose it. Didn’t want to get caught up in Zach and risk anything. “It has changed. You are just so stubborn that you won’t let yourself believe it. You want to know how I know that it changed? I chose him. You asked me to be with you and I waited for him to be ready to be with him instead.” She had to push him away. “I could have had you and I wanted Brayden. You... You have to accept it.”

It wasn’t really like Michaela to stay out so late, but Brayden didn’t think much of it. The trust was there and didn’t waver, still he tried to stay up to know she got home alright, falling in and out of sleep until he heard the crashing, rising up from bed to see her crawling. “Hi.” Some confusion met his features, but he let out a little laugh, flicking the light switch on. “That help, drunky?

“Oh,” she seemed surprised when the light did indeed help her find the remaining things she had knocked. Scrambling to her feet there was a worried look in her eyes. “Did I wake you? I’m so sorry, baby.” She reached for his face but more so stumbled into him. She had more to drink than intended. Some for the original plan of depleting her anger but also for the guilt that she felt for even getting emotionally involved in any conversation with Zach. “Go back to sleep. Pretend like I’m not here.”

Zach was surprised she was biting on any of this. It wasn’t like her, but he took it as a good sign. It felt they were the furthest apart they’d been in a long, long time. To him, this felt like her way of closing that gap. Of not just shutting these feelings down, of not keeping things surface level as they had been. “Everything else. Passion, connection, love, what you actually see for yourself,” he shrugged. “You’re not going to say any of it out loud, but we both know if he could read your mind around me your relationship wouldn’t survive it.”

“What I see for myself?” She repeated in disbelief. Michaela was angry. Angry that he was saying all the things that he was.  Angry for what he was implying. Brayden didn’t deserve that. And maybe she was angry because she knew that the connection she had with Zach could never really been broken. Not when they shared the love that they did. But she didn’t like his implication that meant her relationship with Brayden held less. “You have no idea what my relationship is with him. How strong and good it is. For the first time in my life I am with someone that I share something healthy. That is what I want. I see myself happy and in love, living with my best friend. And guess what? That is what I have.”

“I have one I just can’t find it.” Addie grumbled out as she tried to finger comb out her hair. She gladly took the tower with a smile and started wiping herself down and attempting to stop dripping all over the diner. “Thank you, you’re an angel. I think I would’ve frozen to death if I would’ve kept going.”

“Seems to always work that way,” she gave a sympathetic laugh. She went to getting the fixings for hot cocoa, the warmer weather making it a less frequent order. “I’m just glad that you decided to step in. Selfishly, it’s been rather quiet tonight so this visit, even if forced by Mother Nature I am thankful.”

“Oh yeah?” There was some laughter laced into Zach’s words, leaning his head back a little. “I’m sure if you were being honest with this all he’d love hearing all of those comparisons too,” he nodded. There was complete confidence in that. In knowing, not thinking, that in her heart of hearts that it was still him in so many ways. That there were things that no other man could ever be to her, things he always would be.

“Tell me, Zach. What category do you think you would pull out in front of him?” She couldn’t help but get further into this. It wasn’t like this past year things ever felt great between them, but they were better than Michaela would have guessed they’d be with her being with someone else. “Loyalty? Honesty? Dependability? Keeping promises?”

“I know. I left work, it said chance of rain when I checked but it changed and.. well now I’m here.” Addie tried to shake out her hair, but it seemed like a waste to try. “Hot chocolate. A huge hot chocolate.” 

“Maybe an umbrella doesn’t seem like too bad of an investment,” she gave a sympathetic smile. Ducking in the back, she grabbed a clean dish towel. “Might help at least,” she offered it. “I’ll give you the biggest mug we’ve got.”