#martinpp

So last Tuesday (June 16th) my blog had its 1yr anniversary... and me being me, I forgot XD.

So in (belated) honor of that I thought I would give a shout out to some of the people who have made this year pretty friggen epic!  

earthen-kitten-queen ~ You are my best friend.  We met at the beginning of high school and now we are roommates for our second year of college. You have saved my life and God knows what else.  Your posts are gold and I would seriously recommend anyone to check you out!

kingofthewilderwest ~ Long Live the King!! I love talking to you.  You are hilarious, interesting, and ooohhh so intelligent. I learn so much about my favorite characters and even my own way of thinking from reading your posts. You are an amazing person!  If anyone is in the httyd fandom and is not following you, I question what they are doing with their life.

martinpp ~ You are such an amazing writer, and an all around great person.  I really enjoy our conversations even if I have a tendency to forget the timezone difference. XD If anyone wants to follow a quality blog, they need to look your way!

spickly ~  Absolutely GORGEOUS! This girl has it going on!  And not only do I love your face, I love your personality too.  You are such a sweet person who is always ready to promote body positivity.  Your selfies give me the courage to post my own.  fair warning to everyone though... Don’t follow unless you can handle the sheer epicness this girl exudes!

Joss Whedon apparently was just in a very bad way and continues to be so during and after the film. There were too many fights between what he wanted and Marvel so the movie was half assed unlike the first one. Scarlet happy with Russsos now

Read at your own risk

So here’s a shocker to most. I’m actually still a virgin. I don’t know what you might think about that, doesn’t change who I am.

Now the reason for that is really just two fold: 1) Not by choice. I just by bad luck, I have had no luck ever with any woman. I don’t know what it can be outside of most girls I like being a) out of my league b) in fucking narnia or c) and most often, have a boyfriend. I am not someone that will “steal” a girl from someone. I respect boundaries and though I may speak strong I also know that I’m very nervous about many things. I have also heard that I’m handsome, funny, and all that but it doesn’t help me out now really.

2) In contradiction to previous statement it is by choice in a certain manner. I am someone that doesn’t want to just sleep around with someone random. This has meant that I’ve had to say no to a couple of girls that really wanted to but they weren’t either my type or the situation just didn’t feel right.

I’m someone that has a really big sexual desire and there is a road I want to travel and explore but it feels like I’ve been abandoned by everyone I have ever cared for and given some effort into.

I don’t mean that in the sense of only girls, but as in every single person that once was a part of my life.

The only friends I have left are my best friend who is basically my brother because I’ve known him since we are like 2. The other is a friend that remarkably has been really amazing because she actually has done the effort of coming over and hanging out with me and keeping in touch. I love the both of them very much..... but it’s not the same anymore.

I used to be surrounded by people and they always would make me a part of their world, sure most needed to talk about their issues, but I was glad to do it because I’m a very empathetic person and love being there for someone I care about. Even if it cost me so many hours of sleep I’ll never really recover haha...

The thing is... I don’t have that anymore. My big group of friends has vanished and I’m personally someone that needs physical contact with friends as well. Not like touching but at least be in the same room and talking to them. It’s a big hole in my life right now. That hole has left me actually very damn depressed and why whenever it’s very late at night I post really really sad things and think the darkest of thoughts.

tumblr has helped me a lot through this but even here I lose people and I think it’s because many might just think I’m clingy... which I apologize if you’ve thought that way, I just am someone that really likes to talk and know about my friends day. It’s not because of ulterior motives or anything... I just... if I call someone my friend, that is someone that has passed a point of trust and I really appreciate them dearly. I guess it just weirds people out.

I’ve lost many people this past year and have kept quiet mostly about it. Both in the non literal and literal sense of the word. It’s been a really hard time for me but though I have just tried both playing it cool as well as asking for help, I have just been alone throughout.

I just wish I could even be invited to a damn party or something... even though parties have become just a source of anxiety... I don’t understand the world I mean... partying to me was always just hanging out with friends, talking about whatever, finding that one song that makes everyone just bring it on the dancefloor and all in all just a clean good time but... now... booze and even drugs are the only way to be in a party.

I have seen all my friends just become stupid versions of themselves letting out all the bad ideas under the influence of alcohol and let it take over the night. Nobody gets down to talk because it’s not just one drink, it’s 5-15 a night and those are the decent people. Others come and they have to just have a joint or worse and I just can’t mingle because I don’t drink cheap beer or do drugs.... and it’s very isolating.

Even if I have been quiet about my discomforts... I guess they must have noticed them because I literally have not gotten invited to anymore parties ever again from my “friends” that live quite close to me.... I just... why do I have to be alone.

All my life I’ve just been following my principles as well as changing what I have expanded after learning about them like becoming a femenist, paying attention to the injustices out there while trying to use the priviledge I have (even though I’m not even supposed to be white I still have it) and help bring about a substantial change around my world and those close to me.... but I’ve been through hell and no one is there in the darkest times.

Now this isn’t aimed for anyone in particular, just me getting things off my chest, but it’s just.... I haven’t been able to even earn a job working hard and submitting all the applications I can. In the 4 years now that I’ve been back in the U.S. I’ve had only 1 job that lasted a few months because it was a seasonal job... then I got laid off. I’m pulling all the effort to graduate without debt, transfer to a 4 year university to finally get my studies over with which has been the most stressful time in my life so far outside of one long past event. I’ve suffered countless losses and yet keep having to smile because if not even at school I’d be left alone and I can’t keep losing people....

I just want to have 3 things really...: friends that just want to hang out, eat a burger, play games, or come on over and talk while we try and study and fail.... I want to have a girl that I feel comfortable with, can talk to freely and openly about things as well as have a healthy relationship with amazing intimacy moments and hopefully experimenting the path I want to take... and finally I just want to be working and start earning the money I will need to start my own life.

I'M SO HAPPY YOU GOT INTO STEVEN! so now.. *whispers* are you ready for the war?

I AM NOT READY

Proud of myself actually. I managed to say goodbye to someone that I must say did truly care about, but was going down a path that I can't help her with.

It sucks because was someone that helped me a lot and all but I can't stand and watch someone selfdestruct because "friends" get herr hooked on drugs changing which each time caught or drinking heavily under law and also that her "bf" got her a tattoo gun.

I thought I'd feel crappy at this hour but honestly I don't. It made me realize how much people that bring something good into my life are worth and how I need to really get rid of those that aren't giving anything back.

I love all my friends quite quite dearly as my closest ones will know. I'm also very good at hiding things from you so you need to figure out some things. I'm just now thinking of those I might just let go now because honestly, I'm someone that puts effort into being in someones life. Call it clingy, too amigable, whatever the hell you want, I believe that friends should at least try and hang out every so often. I know life is difficult for most and that's why I just don't push but it's shown me also what others think of me.

I've stopped putting any effort into the few friends I thought I had left and many haven't even shown a sign of missing me. I'm going to be thinking really hard about you and figure out if I even want you anymore in my life. It will hurt... a lot for a few specific ones out there but... if it needs to be done, I can't be here waiting for someone to call me to hang out.