#margz

The Daily Margz has been thrown into crisis by the departure of star writer and Margz expert Orotund Mountebank, who joined our staff yesterday after moving to Godwin Road on Tuesday. Mountebank was excited to join Margate’s top title at the peak of its popularity, but we had become dated and unhip by Wednesday lunchtime. He departed late that afternoon, following an argument as to whether turn-ups were invented in the Old Town or Cliftonville.

“The Daily Margz was cool, vital and funny,” said conceptual atomic scientist/model Mountebank, when The Daily Margz handed over his P45 at new Northdown Road cobnut vodka bar Sock Monkey Nostalgia Pangs. “It was great hearing all the feedback from readers, such as ‘that one was about me, wasn’t it?’ and ‘I’d love to unlike their page, but I’m waiting to see if they write about that guy who runs that shop.’ But for every piece of praise about it being repetitive and divisive there was someone saying it wasn’t as funny as it was last week and how Margate had peaked.”

Not wanting to hang around for The Daily Margz’s inevitable decline, Mountebank opted out and abandoned his vision for replacing the daily newsfeed with an hourly piece of Noh theatre in Dane Park. Apparently the final straw was finding out that the Nayland Rock Hotel had been purchased by Nandos and will not be selling vinyls. In-room streaming media will be selected by a music butler.

Locals from Margate Central and Cliftonville West are to be transported to a reservation on the former Manston airport site, The Daily Margz has learnt. Over the next two months, the newly-formed East Kent Company will organise the removal of all indigenous peoples to a new, more appropriate, homeland.

The East Kent Company was established by Margate creatives as a means of improving the trade of shops, galleries, restaurants and other cutting-edge startups as well as attracting the right kind of people to the area.

“We realised a more sophisticated final solution was needed,” Louis Mountbatten, CEO of the East Kent Co., told the DM. “To deal with the one impediment to encouraging new pioneers and cool businesses.”

Many in the creative community agree that something needed to be done about this barrier to a reimagined Margz nirvana. Archibald Wavell, artist-entrepreneur who runs the Imperialismus gallery, outlines the problem.

“We are facilitating an exciting, dynamic creative community but the locals don’t seem to be on message with our project. They live in these beautiful Victorian and Edwardian properties but they just don’t appreciate them. Their taste in interior design is quite dreadful and they ignore all our wonderful interventions. Quite frankly, they will be happier in their new reservation with its simple accommodation, cheap take aways and discount shops.”

Wavell claims that every attempt to engage the locals with his CIC gallery was an abject failure including the recent artisanal foie gras pop up.

According to Mountbatten, the whole relocation will be a simple and painless process.  

“They will be removed from their houses on a street by street basis. This cleansing process will be quick and efficient taking place at night to avoid too much of a disturbance. Their vacated houses will be ready the next day for our settlers to occupy and restore.”  

The reservation will be completely self-contained with a single guarded entrance on Manston Road where residents with permits will be allowed out on day release to do their unskilled manual jobs.

Some creatives, however, do have ‘reservations’. Victor Hop who runs hip new Margz joint La Boîte Fermée does not want this ending up being an isolated ghetto.