How Common is The Box?
There are many things in life that can “box us in”. Parents, school, marriage, friends, work, and church are just some of the common situations it can happen. Within each, there can be many “boxes” that are occurring. For example, in school each teacher, administrator, coach, and student might be using The Box in order to get what they want from you – not to mention the role of each parent or relative to school matters. You can see just from the school example, The Box can lead to a complex set of feelings about just how controlled you might be. As you grow into having a job, getting into a love relationship, being with different friends, going to church and participating in other activities outside the home, these complex feelings of being controlled too much can grow. And these are just the “normal” array of situations where The Box can be at play. In fact, we could conclude that “this is life”. But, there is another profound situation that often adds to feelings being boxed-in. We can do it to ourselves. We set expectations for ourselves – and then second-guess ourselves accordingly. Many people wake up one day to the fact … I am my own worst enemy! While it is logical and useful to set goals and hold ourselves accountable, we can make the mistake of doing it like others have done it to us. So, instead of dealing with things to reduce the pressure coming from The Box, we might just add to it – and, in fact, make things worse. And yet another profound situation is when we spend a lot of time and energy using The Box on others. It is difficult enough to be trying to cope and win in The Boxes we are in. But to Box others in only adds more complexity to what we are calling life. At any given time we can be dealing with what feels like far too much conflict. We can feel “spent” at the end of the day, end of the week, or longer. Oh, my! Perhaps a refresher about the nature of The Box is in order …
So, when someone tells us what to do and offers rewards and/or threatens punishment and/or tries to make things fun when you are doing it, they are in essence trying to control what we do. Even if we are OK with The Box they are using, it is just one more that we’ve taken on from them and anyone else. In a given day these directives can mount up and feel overwhelming. And remember, this is the method many people use to get us to cooperate. As these directives mount up and become “a steady diet”, it starts to feel abusive. And, if the way in which they apply punishment and withhold rewards is done poorly, it adds to the abuse. Feelings of being abused then lead us into feeling victimized and that’s an altogether bad place to be. Too much or too long of this kind of abuse can ultimately make us feel helpless, hopeless and/or worthless. Therefore, since The Box is the common approach people use to get us to do things, we need to be sure we are aware of what is going on and comply with an open mind. We need to make sure the requests are reasonable and doable, and that the person directing our behavior is fair-minded in evaluating the success of our effort and accomplishment. Remember, relationships often strengthen or weaken during the “give and take” necessary to control what is going on. Too much or too harsh of a use of The Box can cause problems – as can constant resistance or rebellion. Bottom line, people who treat one another with dignity and respect can handle situations that include uses of The Box. More often than not respectful people find ways to cooperate without too much use of The Box. Remember … Conflicts usually occur when too much or too harsh of The Box is at play! Read the full article
