#mancore

two of my best friends have coined the term "man core." it means something different to each of them, but they both aspire to it. sometimes I don't understand it. they'll point something out to each other and collapse in a heap of realization, and I'll make eye contact with another friend. oh, we love them.

but other times, I think I get it. oh, the masculine. isn't it wonderful.

to one of my friends, "man core" means crisp suits with loose ties, snarky remarks. she is proud in her masculinity. she wears her ratty and loved leather jacket and her loose faded jeans to her rock band gigs. she shakes her short choppy hair and sticks out her tongue as she shreds a guitar solo.

we're getting ready for semi my senior year. I considered getting a dress but couldn't find anything that didn't feel performative. I get changed in the bathroom, and when I come out she looks at my outfit (my black suit and my embroidered corset top and my vans and my heatless curl sock buns) and tells me "you look very gender." I smile into her eyes and am surprised I'm holding back tears as I agree. yes I do.

to my other friend, "man core" means devotion and provision, running ahead to hold open the door, cowboy music. when declaring what type of aunt we all would be, we decide that she is more uncle than aunt. she comes to me beaming when the train conductor calls her "buddy." she sings the muppet part of "man or muppet" at our school variety show and practices ballroom dips with me for prom.

Dear Brujas,

Riddle me this. I'm chilling with my sister in her room. Mind you, I'm starting to get bored because the serotonin of the first post wore off. And this girl starts to panic and says, "you get bored, and then you leave" because she doesn't want me to go to my room.

The gasp I gusped.

A couple weeks ago. Actually, last year, mid-first semester, I realized that I'm avoidant attachment. This is quite jarring by the way, because I always wanted to be like the girls who loved so much, it was like debilitating. But um, I don't give a fuck.

I like ignore my crushes. Have y'all ever seen that one clip of Nate Jacobs walking away from Cassie Howard in Euphoria? I'm not Cassie. I'm Nate Jacobs. IM A MAN DAMNNNNNNN!

Also, I block every guy who annoys me. To the point where I even want to block the guys I do like and find cute. What is this business?

I'm also really bad with staying consistent to my friends. Like they don't really do anything to me, they're good friends. But like damn bruh, I cannot stay committed OR consistent. But I do really try because I love my friends.

In conclusion, I feel like a man when I interact with relationships and friendships. I am a man. I'm Beyonce when she said "if I were a boy". Actually, I'm the Marias when they said, "hold me, console me, and then I'll leave without a trace." Because what is this.

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