#mamichigo

Allen’s eyes snap open at the sound of that, Cross’ voice seems to come from everywhere around him, repeating the same words and he turns in every direction but there’s no sign of the man.

Instead, a tall figure stands in the distance, close enough for Allen to see them. Long, dark strands of hair sway in the wind, some of them falling over broad shoulders. The figure simply stands there staring far into the distance, and Allen would recognize that familiar uniform and the weapon resting against his hip.

Kanda

Cross’ voice hasn’t stopped. Growing louder and louder, faster, the words jumbling together till he can only recognize a few of them.

“…kill someone you love”

“…kill…”

It grows louder and  louder and Allen tries to call for the person standing a few feet before him. But no sound comes out of his mouth.

“…someone you love”

“…someone you love”

So loud. It’s so loud. He covers his ears but it doesn’t stop and he finds himself on his knees, pressing his head to the floor and trying to drown out the sound.

“…you love”

“…you love”

He screams. He screams the others name but nothing but a silent cry comes out. Kanda’s still standing there.

Allen screams and screams and screams and-

There’s a flash of white and the scenery is gone.

And Allen hates this part the most.

He knows this dream. It’s been repeating over and over and over and it always ends the same way, which is why he doesn’t open his eyes. He closes them even tighter and tries so so hard to make himself wake up.

He still kneeling but this time there’s a wet sensation under his knees, on his hands and in his clothes, sticking to his chest. It’s warm. It’s so warm and Allen doesn’t want to open his eyes because he knows what he’ll find. But he also knows that’s the only way for him to wake up and isn’t that such a cruel and dirty trick for his mind to play?

He wants it to be over and so he takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.

The scene is as horrifying as it’s been for the past few nights and Allen feels like throwing up. Because lying right in front of him, in a growing puddle of blood, is Kanda.  He tries to reach forward but he can’t move, he can’t-

…

He wakes up with a jolt, with a knot on his throat that makes it difficult to breathe and for a few seconds he simply lies there, in the dark, trying to calm his breathing and fighting the tears that threaten to fall. His whole body is covered in a thin sheen of sweat, short tremors running through his body every few seconds  making it a bit difficult to calm down. His hair is sticking to his forehead and tickles him but he can’t find the energy to move the strands of hair aside.

It takes Allen a few more minutes of deep, controlled breaths to finally make his lungs cooperate, and a few more for him to be able to recognize where he is. He takes in the little hotel room illuminated by the moonlight spilling through the window, tries his hardest to bring his breathing to an even pace so as to not make any more noise. He counts the furniture and every object he can see with the poor lighting till his breathing settles. Only then does he turn his head to the side, the sight before him a shocking contrast to the image that his mind keeps playing from the dream.

On the other side of the bed, Kanda remains asleep. His long hair spills all over the pillow and shoulders, chest rising and falling slowly and hands resting peacefully to the side. The light spilling through the window gives Kanda a cold and ethereal look as he lies there, and Allen finds himself staring for a few minutes.

Kanda looks so calm and content, resting peacefully. Allen wants to punch him. For remaining so calm, for trusting him a bit too much and for keeping his guard down when he knows Allen’s a ticking bomb.

Images from his dream play in his mind one after the other. The blood, the bloody sword, his shaking body and Kanda’s corpse resting in front of him. And the same words keep echoing as the images pass by…

Someone you love…

Someone you love….

Someone you love…

Allen smiles and softly huffs. It’s very funny. It’s funny because he knows the meaning of those words, has known for awhile already. Probably since that one day Kanda found him with Johnny, probably even since before that. He doesn’t need a dream to know how he feels, doesn’t need to identify those emotions because he’s known for a while.

Very slowly and carefully, Allen lifts the bed sheets and moves closer to the other man. The way Kanda doesn’t even react to his movements makes Allen’s stomach twist uncomfortably; he has no idea if Kanda’s declining reflexes are consequence of his weakened regenerative abilities or if he simply doesn’t feel the need to be on guard with Allen anymore. Allen doesn’t know which option scares him the most if he’s being honest.

Very carefully he moves closer and closer, pulls the bed sheets down and passes a leg over Kanda’s waist. The man in question finally stirs, frowning and grumbling something Allen can’t make out but not opening his eyes just yet. Allen settles on top of him, straddling his waist without putting too much weight on Kanda, and all Kanda does is bring his hands up to his waist.

“…heavy.” Is all he mumbles with a grumpy tone, eyes opening slightly.

Allen laughs softly at that, and lets his whole weight fall on top of the other man with a little more force than necessary. Kanda’s “omph!!” and the groan that follows make him smile as he rearranges himself till he’s lying on top of the taller man, head resting against his chest. Allen feels a soft pinch to his waist, feels more than listens the grumpy mumble coming from Kanda against his cheek.

“Asshole.” He says, voice rough from sleep, before he brings his arms around Allen’s waist. Allen chuckles and snuggles closer.

They remain like that for what feels like hours, Kanda’s heartbeat against Allen’s ear slowly washing away the nightmare clinging in his memories. For a moment Allen thinks Kanda has gone to sleep, but he knows better, and the thumb gently moving up and down on his waist only confirms it. Kanda’s waiting for him.

Allen takes a deep breath. Kanda smells like the soft soap they managed to found somewhere in the way, smells clean and earthy and it fits him. He grabs a lock of that long hair and twists it around his finger, over and over again. Kanda is so so warm and Allen thinks he could stay like this forever. They’ve been traveling for so long already, never stopping for too long, that only now, in this moment Allen realizes how tired he feels. It’s probably because of that tiredness and the quiet of the night, mixed with Kanda’s warmth that he ends up speaking.

“I dreamt that I killed you.” He says, voice barely a whisper.

Kanda remains quiet for what feels like hours, for a moment Allen thinks he’s fallen asleep. But then the man in question moves, arranges them so Allen’s head is resting closer to his shoulder.

“You’re giving your dream self too much credit, you can barely even reach my neck.” Is what he mumbles against Allen’s skin and for a few seconds Allen can’t think of what to say. He wants to punch this annoying man though.

“It’s not a jo-“ He starts angrily and is stopped shortly by Kanda’s arms tightening around him. He feels the other’s warm breath against his neck, and only then he realizes there are tears streaming down his face, smearing against Kanda’s neck.

“You’re an idiot.” Kanda whispers against his neck, hugging Allen and bringing him even closer, till their chests rest against each other and Allen can feel both their heartbeats. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily, give me a bit of credit moyashi”

The sentence is so absurd, Allen wants to punch him again. Because they both know Allen wouldn’t kill him but HE would do it, even if just to prove a point. However, there’s a part of himself that wants to believe that; that they’ll make it through and they’ll make it work. Despite all the odds and the fact Allen has managed to convince himself it’s okay to die if that means saving so many lives, saving Kanda, there’s still that part of him that hopes it won’t go like that.

It annoys Allen as much as this beautiful man under him.

“And if you wake me up in the middle of the night one more time I swear I’m kicking you out the room”. Are Kanda’s next words, mumbled grumpily against his neck, arms tightening against Allen’s waist in what should be a threatening manner but that comes out a bit comforting for Allen.

Allen laughs loudly at that, voice a bit rough from both sleepiness and the tears. He straightens up to properly take a look at Kanda, and he looks just as beautiful as he did a few minutes before he woke him up. The moonlight has reached his face and highlights it in such a pretty way it makes Allen smile, hair shining against the lumpy pillow. Allen’s smile turns a bit sharper, a bit mischievous as he places both hands on each side of Kanda’s face.

“Sorry I took your beauty sleep, Ba-Kan-da~” He says in a playful tone before squishing Kanda’s cheeks a bit.

“That’s it.” Kanda responds and it sounds very funny with his cheeks being squished but Allen has no time to laugh about it before Kanda’s flipping them over and promptly kicking Allen out of the bed. “You’re sleeping on the floor moyashi”

Allen laughs one more time. He lies there on the floor with a goofy smile for a few minutes before he rises to sneak once again in bed. Kanda’s waiting for him, so as soon as he settles back in he feels a strong arm wrapping against his waist, the weight familiar and comforting for Allen now.

“Wake me up again and your idiot dream-self will be the least of your worries.” He grumpily mumbles without any real threat, voice soft and tired once again; it makes Allen chuckle.

“Sure, Bakanda~”

He deserves the kick to his shin that follows that comment, Allen thinks.

——————-

There’s so much blood.

It covers the entirety of Kanda’s arms, and it’s so warm. Too warm. For a second he thinks it’s his own blood, but the weapon on his hand and the body slumping against him immediately make him discard that idea.

It’s difficult to remain standing in this position, the weird angle made worse by the dead weight against Kanda’s arms, but he’s frozen into place. He can’t see the face of the person leaning on him but he doesn’t need to, the pale skin and the deep scar traveling down the other’s body, as well as the soft silvery-white hair tickling his neck are enough telltales.

His arms and legs are shaking, the blood keeps flowing and it seeps into his own clothes; it’s too much blood, the smell of it making Kanda dizzy. He tries to move, to arrange the person against him so they can sit down, but as soon as he tries to move, a pained groan leaves the person’s mouth, a rough sound that Kanda feels against his throat. So he goes still.

“Heh…you weren’t joking…when you said you’d…k-keep your word…” Allen’s voice comes out rough, barely above a whisper, and is followed by a low chuckle that ends up with a string of wet coughs against his shoulder. He doesn’t need to look to know it’s blood.

“Don’t talk” Kanda responds, his voice is raspy and it hurts when he speaks; he’ll blame that on the battle that just happened rather than on the knot he feels in his throat.

Allen chuckles once again, this time lower and with much less energy. He twists his head so his mouth is almost resting against Kanda’s neck, his body is growing weaker and so he leans heavier against Kanda. It’s a miracle he can still stand at all, if Kanda’s being honest.

Kanda drops Mugen so he can bring both arms around Allen’s waist, trying to support them both so they don’t fall to the floor. His uniform sticks to his body and it’s so tiring to move, but he manages, planting both feet firmer. And they remain like that for what feels like hours but can’t be more than a couple of minutes before Kanda feels Allen’s shaky exhale against his neck.

“…thank you, Kanda” he says, and if he weren’t so close Kanda’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have heard him.

He’s about to answer when he feel the other’s body going completely slack.

“Moyashi?” He tries to shake Allen a bit but there’s no response.

He doesn’t feel Allen’s breathing against his neck. He doesn’t let go though, he holds Allen’s body closer, carefully lowers himself to the floor. The knot in his throat tightens and it’s difficult to breathe, the smell of blood only making it harder.

It’s so strong and dizzying and-

Kanda wakes up with a jolt.

It takes him a few seconds to recognize where he is, the small room slowly taking form as Kanda’s eyes adjust to the dim light coming through the window. He’s still lying on the couch he remembered sitting to “keep guard”, so much for that. His neck and back hurts, but he remains where he is, taking deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his hands; anything that helps ground him and chase the nightmare away.

Mugen rests over his legs, cold and sheathed, and not for the first time in the last couple weeks, Kanda feels like dropping it to the floor. He doesn’t though, and instead just puts it aside, hands trembling slightly before focusing his attention somewhere more important.

His gaze moves to the small bed in the middle of the room, and his heart calms down a bit when he sees the mess of sheets wrapped in a familiar shape. He stands up quietly, taking off his heavy coat before moving towards the bed, mindful of their belongings scattered on the floor, the moonlight spilling through the window his only guiding light as he approaches the bed.

If he’s being honest, Kanda’s surprised Allen hasn’t suffocated to death with his tight he has wrapped the sheets around him. The few strands of silvery white hair sticking out are the only sign that he’s in there and the slow, even raise and fall coming from within, the only sign he’s alive and breathing. And while it’s funny to see him like this, Kanda’s heart finally goes back to its normal rhythm as he watches the bundle of bed sheets rise and fall slightly.

He has no idea for how long he stands there, probably minutes but they feel like hours. Allen barely moves, and that brings back the uncomfortable twinge to Kanda’s stomach, memories of a particular night where Allen had gone to sleep but hadn’t been the one to awaken resurfacing in his mind.The fact that he can’t even see Allen’s face doesn’t help Kanda’s worries at all. And so he makes a decision, just to be sure, he tells himself as if his hands weren’t still shaking.

Very carefully he pulls on the bedsheets until he can finally see Allen’s face, who mumbles something in his sleep before settling again. He’s wearing no shirt and the moonlight spilling through the window makes him look even paler and makes his hair shine in a pearlescent way. Kanda brings his other hand to Allen’s hair, buries his fingers on the soft silvery white strands and moves them gently back and forth, working any knots that get stuck very carefully.

Allen stirs, brows furrowing for a moment before he’s mumbling something unintelligible to Kanda. Slowly and with funny movements Allen kicks the bedsheets off his body, Kanda’s hand remains on the other’s hair and it isn’t until Allen’s own hand comes out from the bunch of bedsheets to wrap around Kanda’s wrist that he stops moving his fingers.

“Kanda?” Allen asks, voice rough from sleep and barely above a whisper. His eyes blink open slowly, unfocused and barely remaining open. They flash with a silvery tone thanks to the moonlight and the last bit of nervousness leaves Kanda’s body, relieved not to find gold in that sleepy gaze.

He considers making a sarcastic comment about who else being there with him when it’s been just the two of them for months, but not tonight. The nightmare has drained Kanda’s energy and he still feels jittery and restless, so he decides to answer with a hum, twisting his hand to hold Allen’s. Allen makes a happy, sleepy noice at the gesture and pulls him weakly, limbs not strong enough on his sleepy state but Kanda lets himself be pulled, goes willingly.

He kicks his shoes off and carefully gets in bed with Allen, pulls the bedsheets up till they cover them both. Allen snuggles closer to him, tucks his head in the crook of Kanda’s neck and brings an arm around Kanda’s waist. Kanda folds his legs a bit, tucks his feet in between Allen’s and huffs a laugh when Allen mumbles a bunch of curses as Kanda’s freezing toes meet his warm skin. He places one of his arms underneath Allen’s head and brings the other one around the other’s small waist. He rests his chin over Allen’s head, taking in the smell of fresh shampoo in deep slow breaths until he feels grounded enough.

Allen’s body heat and the slow and even rise and fall of his chest are enough to melt away the last traces of tension from Kanda’s body, slowly wash away the nightmare from his mind. They stay like that for a long time, Kanda has no idea how long, but he knows that Allen remains awake because of the fingers tapping softly against his waist, a lot more alert than a few minutes ago. He also knows Kanda won’t starts the conversation first, and so he waits. It isn’t until Kanda starts repeating the slow tapping pattern against Allen’s waist that Allen decides to speak.

“Nightmare?” He asks and Kanda can feel Allen’s lips against his neck with how close they are.

For a moment he considers not answering and going back to sleep, he knows Allen won’t press on for an answer but somehow, Kanda wants to give him one. For a moment he feels annoyed with himself; the trust and vulnerability he feels are something he hasn’t gotten used to. But he wants to talk, knows that’s the best and fastest way to leave it behind. So he pulls Allen a bit closer to him, an excuse to hide his face a bit.

“You were dead.” He doesn’t say how, doesn’t need to with how concurrent these nights had been the past couple weeks. That’s another thing that annoys Kanda if he’s being honest.

Images of the dream flash in his mind, and Kanda’s hold on Allen unconsciously tightens. He closes his eyes and tries to ground himself, takes deep breaths of Allen’s scent, gently rubs his chin against the soft strands of hair and tries to focus on Allen’s heartbeat. Slow but steady, changes the rhythm of his finger tapping on Allen’s waist so it follows the beat of his heart. Allen remains quiet, and after a few seconds he figures it out and starts tapping the rhythm of Kanda’s heart against Kanda’s own chest.

They stay like that for a few minutes, neither being able to go back to sleep. And then Allen’s grabbing both of Kanda’s hands in between his, brings them down and close, oh so close, until they’re resting right against Allen’s own chest. Right over his heart. It beats loud against his palms, strong and steady and Allen’s body is warm, oh so warm. For a moment he wishes they could stay like this forever, wishes they could turn their back on the world the way some of them did with Allen, just run away and live. But he knows better, knows Allen better.

“You’re growing soft on me Ba-Kan-da~” Allen’s tone of voice is so soft that the playfulness of it doesn’t annoy Kanda, simply makes him frown before lightly pinching the other’s hand that’s still holding both of Kanda’s. That only makes Allen chuckle softly.

Kanda’s about to make a sarcastic comment about all of their situation when Allen makes a sudden move. He stretches, long and exaggerated and it reminds Kanda of cat, the moonlight spilling through the window allows him to see the little smile on Allen’s face before he yawns, and then he’s snuggling closer. He nuzzles impossibly closer to Kanda’s neck, tightens his hold on the taller man’s waist and intertwines their legs together, he’s so close that Kanda’s hands end up squished between both of them and Allen’s ear rests on Kanda’s chest, right above his heart. He’s so warm, so so warm.

“Give me a bit more credit Kanda,” he says with a half-joking tone, throwing Kanda’s words from a few weeks before back at him. Kanda scoffs at that and lightly kicks Allen under the bedsheets. He knows the other has that mischievous smirk Kanda hates (no he doesn’t) in place when he continues. “I did kick your ass once you know?”

It takes a few minutes for Kanda to pinpoint the memory Allen’s talking about, that one day during training when he had pretended to give up before tackling Kanda. If only things were that simple, if they could go back to easier times…

“That one time you cheated. Doesn’t count.”

“Guilty as charged. A win is a win though, don’t be salty Ba-Kan-da~”

He kicks him again at that one and his mumbled “asshole” gets lost to Allen’s laugh, leave it to this self-sacrificing idiot to find a way to make a serious situation something lighter, to find a bit of light amongst the dark. Kanda hates him for that. Or so he tries to convince himself.

Because if Kanda’s being honest, he doesn’t think he ever truly hated this idiot. He was infuriating, a complete selfless idiot with more regards to the wellbeing of others, slowly consuming himself for the sake of others. Kanda had been one of those people. He hated that. But he’s also very grateful for what said self sacrificing idiot did for him, not that he’d ever admit it. Not like Allen doesn’t know already.

He doesn’t realize his hands have started shaking until Allen’s holding them between his own, hold tight and warm but he remains quiet. And that’s another thing Kanda hasn’t gotten used to; how well Allen has grown to know and understand him. Maybe he always did and Kanda only noticed until now, when it’s just the two of them against what feels like the whole world.

“I’m not going anywhere Kanda.” He mumbles against Kanda’s chest, forehead barely reaching Kanda’s shoulder and if it weren’t the middle of the night, with nothing but the rustle of the sheets and their breathing breaking the silence every now and then, he would’ve missed it.

And he wants to punch Allen. Because it’s a lie, and Allen knows. Because he’s a ticking bomb, and a walking tragedy waiting to happen and he was willing to carry it all on his own and yet he remains hopeful and keeps going and going and…Kanda hates him.

So he wants to punch him, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes his hands out from between them and pulls the shorter man even closer, buries his nose in those soft strands of hair and takes a deep breath, rubs one of his hands up and down the other’s back (and he’s so thin, when did he get this thin?). Allen’s hands come up to cradle Kanda’s head, and it’s a funny position with their height difference but he makes it work and Kanda melts.

“Hell you’re not. Took forever to find you, you sneaky little shit.” And his voice tone betrays his words with how soft it comes out and he can feel Allen smiling against his neck before he’s chuckling.

“You’re just getting slow, Ba-Kan-da~”

He tightens his hold on Allen until he’s groaning and then just a bit more.

—————

Thank you Kanda

Thank-

-ou Kanda

Kanda

Thank yo-

Kanda wakes up with a jolt, heaving for breath and to an empty bed.

He pats the empty side beside him and finds it cold, which doesn’t help Kanda’s nervousness. He untangles his legs from the bedsheets and kicks them off, swings them to the side till his feet are touching the cold floor and waits there for a few seconds, trying to calm down his racing heart. He stretches his hand and finds Mugen right where he left it, (propped) against the bed, on his side, and he feels only slightly better when he grabs it and stands up.

Kanda has no idea what time it is, but outside the sky still remains dark, even though somewhere outside he can hear people laughing and screaming. They had managed to find a bigger room to spend the night at, with a little kitchenette and a small dining area. The place is quiet, horribly so, but the light from the dining area is on and it spills into the room enough for Kanda to find his way outside, Mugen in hand.

Allen’s standing in front of the open window, arms braced against the kitchenette’s counter, head hanging low between his shoulders. With that stance and the way his clothes seem to fit him a bit too big, along with the poor lighting of the room, he looks terribly tired. Outside tiny snowflakes have begun falling, the soft wind pushing them inside the room through the window, and for a moment Kanda thinks that’s the reason Allen’s shivering. But something feels wrong.

“Moyashi?” No answer.

Kanda’s hold on Mugen tightens as he approaches but he doesn’t unsheathes it. A small voice in his head calls him a fool for that and Kanda kicks it back because he knows, he knows he’s being a fool and yet he can’t help but risk it. He angels his body so that he has time and space to react if he needs to, and from this angle he can see Allen a bit better. Allen’s hair hangs loose and messy and so Kanda can’t see his face properly, the snowflakes keep fluttering through the window, some of them get stuck on the silvery strands only to melt the next second. Even from this position Kanda can tell some of the stands of hair look considerably wet, and his heart clenches. How long has he been standing there?

“Allen.” He calls this time, voice softer, hold on Mugen loosening a bit. Fool, fool, fool, the voice inside his head screams again.

Allen reacts to that. Body going taut for a moment, and Kanda braces himself to receive the impact or the attack or whatever the fuck might happen. But it never comes and the next second Allen’s letting out a shaky breath, body quivering for a moment before he’s pushing himself back. His legs wobble and Kanda’s standing right in front of him in the blink of an eye, barely catching him in time.

His whole body is cold and, Kanda was right, some wet strands of hair stick to his face, despite that, Kanda can tell his forehead is partly damp from sweat. He drops Mugen and cradles Allen’s face between his hands, brings it up a bit and pushes the strands of hair out of the way. He has to make sure…

Silvery eyes blink open and stare at him and all tension leaves Kanda’s body, heart fluttering for a moment in his chest. He pulls Allen closer, hugs him so so tight he’s not sure where his body ends and Allen’s starts. He almost misses the words whispered against his neck.

“I don’t remember getting here…”

And that sentence alone is enough to make Kanda’s whole body tense all over again. Because he’s not dumb and Allen’s not dumb and they both know there’s only one way he got here and it makes Kanda furious. Partly towards himself for letting his guard down but mostly towards the looming presence hanging over Allen. They can deal with that later though, right now his attention goes to the shivering man in his arms.

“Doesn’t matter.” He answers, one hand rubbing Allen’s back while the other one runs through silvery white hair. He knows Allen’s frowning at his response.

“Yes it does, what do-“

“It doesn’t.”

“Kanda for fuck’s sake, st-“

“It. Doesn’t.” He tightens his hold on Allen, but anger is a magical thing and next second Allen’s pushing him back, expression furious and aghast, and-

“I COULD’VE KILLED YOU!”

The words come out harsh, voice tone rough and shaky, there are tears on Allen’s eyes but the anger remains, along with what Kanda can easily recognize as fear. He’s panting for breath, hand braced against the counter because despite Kanda’s previous hold on him, his body keeps shaking. Kanda hates him so much.

He walks forward, his own anger and frustration catching up to him as he pulls Allen back towards him. Holds him even closer and doesn’t let go when Allen tries to push him away, the stubborn idiot.

“Thanks.” He says dryly against Kanda’s chest and he doesn’t even care that he said that out loud.

“You really are a stubborn idiot.” He mumbles again and lightly pulls on Allen’s hair when he feels him take a breath to complain again, successfully shutting him up.

Outside the snow keeps falling, Kanda can hear children screaming and laughing in the distance, something about a celebration or something like that. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t let go of Allen and eventually the other’s body relaxes enough for Kanda to move them both so they’re leaning against the counter. They stay like that for god knows how long, Kanda’s feet are freezing and just because he’s feeling a bit petty he rises one foot, careful to remain balanced, and brings it up to Allen’s calf. Allen’s mumbled curse and the soft kick Kanda gets in return are enough to make him smirk.

After a few more minutes, Allen finally gives in and snuggles closer, nuzzles his face in the crook of Kanda’s neck and then he’s pushing both of his freezing hands inside Kanda’s shirt. It’s Kanda’s turn to curse, except he doesn’t bother to keep his voice low and instead pulls harder on a few strands of silvery hair. Allen’s breath laugh against his neck makes Kanda smile and he’s grateful of the height difference that allows him to hide it.

“I’m here. I’ve told you before, I’m not going anywhere.”

Allen doesn’t respond to that and that’s okay, the smile he feels against his neck is enough of an answer for Kanda.

Outside a church bell rings loud and clear, signaling midnight and a few seconds later, fireworks light up the sky. Outside he can hear people laugh and cheer, doors opening and closing and it’s like the world comes to live again. Kanda doesn’t care. That’s not his world anymore.

“It’s Christmas.” Allen’s words come out muffled and it makes Kanda smile.

“No shit.”

Allen scoffs and pulls on a strand of Kanda’s hair, his mumbled “asshole” makes Kanda laugh as he carefully moves them away from the window. Allen steps back to look at Kanda, and his soft smile makes Kanda want to punch him. Or kiss him. Probably both. So instead he moves a bit to the side and opens one of the cabinets to pull out the small pastry he had bought without Allen noticing. Allen’s eyes go wide when Kanda presents the little thing in front of him, a soft childish smile appears on his face and, yeah, Kanda likes that expression better.

“Really Kanda? If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you’re fond of me.”

He’s gonna punch him. Kanda’s gonna punch him and then he’s gonna kiss him to shut him up.

“I’m throwing it out the window.”

He turns his body towards the window and Allen laughs, hurrying over to stand in front of Kanda and standing on his tiptoes to take a bite of the pastry still in Kanda’s hand. Kanda’s frown makes Allen laugh harder and before he can say anything, Allen’s pulling him down to place a kiss on his lips. He tastes like the blueberry filling from the pastry and Kanda doesn’t like sweets but he finds himself wanting more.

“Merry Christmas Kanda.” He mumbles softly, lips almost touching Kanda’s.

Kanda huffs and pulls him by the collar of his shirt till they’re kissing and he can taste the pastry on Allen’s lips and it’s warm, warm, warm. Kanda has no idea what the future has in store for them, knows Allen’s future in particular is uncertain. But he hasn’t wanted anything as much as he wants this in a while and it’s not like their lives have ever been easy. What’s a bit more fighting if it’s for something your truly want?