He is his own worst enemy. Over and over again, he will self sabotage. Anything good happening in his life will be destroyed, obliterated. And with the entitlement of a narcissist, he will expect you to put up with the chaos left in his wake. Already on his path of destruction...he has no job, ignores the kids and is constantly getting caught talking to other women. But because you are out of weed, he will risk his health by going out to chill during a pandemic...after curfew. He will then expect you to risk your health and that of your children by letting him back into your home. His ignorance won’t let him see past his own needs. His need for libations preceded his concern for his family. So in a moment, he’s destroyed his entire existence as part of the family he helped to create.

This is the habit of the destructive narcissist. Deep down he feels worthless. He feels as though he doesn’t deserve anything good in his life. And therefore, ruins any chances he could possibly have at a decent life. He will fight, beg and plead to get back in good. He will say(not do) anything necessary to get back to his beneficial position. He will make empty promises, swearing to never destroy what y’all had again. And as soon as you break, soon as you allow him back into your world of peace...he starts back on his path. It is in his nature to do so. And because of this he will repeat this endless cycle for the rest of his life. There is no changing a narcissist.

This is the fourth day that I have been stuck. Stagnant. During the weekend I made an attempt to get all the laundry done but as usual I fell short a load. Where I’d usually just finish it during the week, I just now today was able put some of the clean basket away. I am frustrated to say the least.

Our dog passed away last week. It was pretty traumatic for the family. I could tell by the way my aunt reacted that she was worried this would trigger me into an episode. As soon as I felt that energy I began to fear it too. I tend to pretend it’s not happening and when it begins. So naturally that is what I have done. I have accepted the bouts of tears in the bathroom and ruminating about what I could have done differently. I knew that I would get down but had things to do at the same time. Now that all the ‘have to-s’ are done I remain imprisoned in my mind.

It’s almost the weekend which means the kids will be home all day. I need to go to the grocery store. Tomorrow night is my girl’s basketball game and I need the energy for that. I can’t miss that. I know that I will push through and get done what has to get done. But what am I making for dinner tonight?