#malorne

After supper...

Mom: This is serious, now. That's why we've gathered the whole family.

All 5 of Sharpen's sisters: *various stages of smirking or bored*

Dad: Let's be careful how we say things to Sharpen this time. Emotions ran very high at supper. But there is a certain phrase we all agreed not to use again. Alright?

Sharpen: *blushing hard* How can you even call it that? Elune herself fell for Malorne. And they made Cenarius together.

Mom: But that's a metaphor, Sharpen. It was a sacred... intercession between Elune and Malorne, who was blessed and good. They only came together anyway because Cenarius was needed in the world.

Sharpen: What.

Jezzca: Hey bro, are you just making a case to hook up with Elune now?

Mom: *looks pale*

Sharpen: No, I am not.

Dad: Dearest, you know that Cenarius is a half-man, half-deer person?

Mom: He is a blessed creature who probably changed himself into a man for the act itself. Or, Elune showed her great mercy and became a beautiful doe for his sake. Who are we to know the ways of the goddess?

Dad: Dearest, I'm only saying Sharpen may have a point--

Jezzca: Was Clayton the Drogbar hot?

Sharpen: What do you think? *glares*

Wisthera: I just don't understand how you made time to hook up with a Drogbar on your mission. And weren't you two in Zaralek Cavern? Eugh.

Sharpen: *deadpan* Maybe the cave lighting was romantic.

Mom: Cenarius was needed in the world and that's why the goddess did that! Stop challenging my beliefs!

Sharpen: Mom. Cenarius is literally a man on the top and a deer on the bottom. It's SO obvious. That's probably how they went about it, too!

Dad: Sharpen, stop shocking your mother.

Jezzca: *screeches with laughter*

Wisthera: And is that how it was with you and your drogbar boyfiend? Did he... overwhelm you?

Sharpen: We're not talking about Clayton anymore!!

Jezzca: Did you impale him with your tuskarr spear?

Wisthera: How'd you get your hands on a tuskarr's spear anyway?

Jezzca: Mrhrm! Sounds fun.

Mom: *quickly makes the sign of Elune*

Dad: Sharpen, stop changing the subject. We are sitting down as a family to stop you being so lustful. As uncomfortable as it is for a father to say, especially in front of his impressionable daughters... You need to choose partners with more substance. Not just for their. You know.

Jezzca: *falls out of her chair laughing*

Sharpen: No, I don't know. Can't you even say it if you're going to be so judgemental?

Wisthera: What's-his-face, that one Son of Cenarius, he hooked up with Princess Theradras. She was some horrible rock monster.

Sharpen: You're doing this to me on purpose.

Mom: That's right! Now Sharpen, do you want to go and sire a bunch of half-elf, half-drogbar monsters? Like those horrible centaur? Because that is what will happen to you if you don't stop.

Dad: That's a little silly, you have to admit.

Sharpen: Finally! Thank you, Dad.

Dad: Jezzca, get off the floor.

Wisthera: Nothing's solved, yet. We'll all be related by marriage to something crazy like a jalgar soon if Sharpen doesn't learn a lesson here. *stage winks*

Mom: What’s a jal... gar?

Sharpen: Ah, yes. An ancient race of polar bear-men. Last seen in Northrend, but defeated by the vrykul. The forebears of the furbolg if I remember correctly. They're supposed to be absolutely huge. And angry. A reasonable amount of fuzzy. Warm, too.

Mom: ...

Dad: ... ...

Sharpen: What? I know my history.

Wisthera: And your eyes were glazing over.

Jezzca: *stretches out casually on the floor* Actually, I wouldn't mind being related to cute little bear cub-elf nephews.

Sharpen's mom: Why are you shirtless at the kitchen table? Are you shirtless all the time in that shiny dessert-themed guild of yours?

Sharpen: Yes, Mom. *chops vegetables*

Mom: And covered in glitter! You'd better wash up properly before supper.

Sharpen: Yes, Mom.

Sharpen's dad: How's your pet wolf Cuda doing, son? You feeding him properly?

Sharpen: Yes, Dad.

Dad: No doubt he gets enough exercise, following you and Matthias Shaw around on those secret SI-7 missions.

Mom: We're not supposed to talk about those!

Dad: Anything gruesome happen on your last mission, Sharpen?

Sharpen: Yes, Dad.

Dad: You wrestled a shark the last time! Any bad guys die on this one?

Sharpen: Yes, Dad.

Mom: Now boys! I don't like talk about killing while we're making dinner. This is family time. Dad makes the meal, Sharpen makes the salad, I set the table. We do not talk about death and craziness.

Sharpen: And what do all five of my sisters do? Nothing!

Mom: Nevermind them. You're my favorite little bean sprout. You do nice things around the house for Mom. *she pats his green hair* By the way Sharpen, have you met anyone nice, lately?

Sharpen: On my last mission. I guess.

Dad: Oh??

Mom: Finally!

Sharpen: ...

Dad: Hold on. Is that the guy you killed.

Sharpen: Well, we were sort of together first.

Mom: That's horrible! Wait, what do you mean 'sort of together?'

Dad: Don't ask those kinds of things...

Sharpen: It's not a big deal, Mom. We just ya know, hooked up. But then he turned on me and I had to harpoon him at the last minute.

Mom: Harpoon! What kind of nice man do you need to harpoon--

Dad: I wouldn't ask him anymore questions.

Mom: Where was this? What the heck was going on! What have you been getting into, Sharpen Raorin Jadescythe?!

Sharpen: Mom, please don't worry yourself like that. It was alright, Clayton was just a... well, a Drogbar. It's a lot to take down someone that big.

Dad: Don't ask him any more. Please, let the boy have some privacy.

Mom: Drogbar. What's a drogbar? What were you doing with a drogbar??

Sharpen: ... ...

Sharpen: They are a large race, they live underground. They have rock pets, snack on the occasional crystal. They aren't the monsters people say they are. Drogbar are strong, some are very noble, and surprisingly sensitive. Clayton happened to be a lying arsehole, that's all.

Dad: What the...

Mom: Monsters? My son is a monster-f***er??!! *traumatized*

Sharpen: Aaah! Don't call it that! I can't believe my own mother knows that word! *double traumatized*

Dad: That's a thing???? *triple traumatized*

Mom: Who or what do I pray to? To get my son saved from this depravity?

Dad: Well don't pray to Elune. Who knows what Sharpen'll do to her if she swings by the house.

Sharpen: DAD! Oh my goddess!!