#malebots

Leo and Cody lived in the same neighbourhood since kids and had been close friends since they could “remember”. Cody had always been the straight-A student and was doing fairly well in college - a promising young student who, unfrotunately lacked social skills in every way possible. The execption was Leo, of course, who was also a smart guy but way out of Cody’s league. 

 Cody was sleeping like a rock when he felt little nudges. He slowly opened his eyes, struggling to fight the sun beams rushing through the now open giant glass windows, and found his friend Leo next to him

- “Hey, sleepyhead! Wake up!”, he screamed.

- “Huh, wha..Leo? What are you doing here? How did you get in?”, Cody asked, really confused.

- “Dude, your front door was open! I’m surprised you haven’t been robbed.. Shit, did you party last night and didn’t even close your goddamn door?”

Cody just fell backwards and tucked his head into the pillow.

- “How wasted were you?”, Leo carried on, “You don’t even remember, do you? I can spare the details anyway. Now get up! We need to get that presentation done today!”. Cody wouldn’t get up, so Leo jumped onto him, yelling and poking him.

- “Hmmm, hmmmm alright alright!”, Cody mumbled from within the pillow. He finally got up, still getting used to the light. Leo then sat before Cody’s desk and turned his computer on.

While his computer seemed to take ages to boot, Cody walked to his spacious walk-in closet and grabbed some sport shorts and some t-shirt. He got naked without even closing the door. Leo was that close a friend, but he wasn’t looking anyway.

- “What the hell is wrong with you computer? This is taking forever to boot...”, Leo yelled.

- “Tell me about it!”, Cody replied while dressing, “I don’t know whether those last updates are slowing it down or what...”

- “God, by this time a fucking snail has done the entire Route 66!! This piece of shit must really slow you down, huh?”, Leo asked.

- “What do you think?”, Cody responded walking to his bed to fold some used clothes, “I own that crap since I was 12! Why do you think I’m always late on assignments?”

- “Hahaha, good one, Mr. Lazy-Finds-Lame-Excuses! Why would that be?”, Leo said ironically. Both of them laughed.

- “But seriously,”, Leo carried on, “this must really slow you down. You must find yourself waiting for it catch up with you all the time, right?”

- “You think??”

- “Is it super slow or are you super fast?”, Leo asked jokingly.

- “Yeah, right....I know I’m good but, come on, that thing would drive anyone crazy!”

- “There you go again. Underestimating yourself. Do I need to remind you of all the diplomas you have? You’re sure as hell not like everyone else, D.”, said Leo.

- “There you go again singling me out for basically being a weirdo. Fucking quit it!”, Cody replied.

- “Hey, come on dude, you know I only say this because you need to get yourself much more credit than you do right now! I wish I could be like you..Seriously!”, Leo droned on, ”I mean, I have to greet everybody when I see them, say hello, how’s their life, what have they been up to, bla bla bla.. but you? You don’t get to do that! I envy you, D! What’s it like when you have no chance but to talk to them? I bet sometimes you find yourself in conversation with people, waiting for their brains to come to a conclusion that you had worked out from the start!”

Cody was surprised to hear this kind of things, but then again, it was Leo; they talked about everything and he’d always had this sort of fascination with Cody’s super intelligence. Plus, he was kind of accurately describing how Cody felt like.

- “Hmmm”, Cody said while processing all that, “what do you mean?”

- “Well, I guess there must be times when you calculate something, or evaluate a problem, and the answer just comes to you quickly. And then you watch as people around you struggle with the problem, the same problem you found so easy to solve.”

- “Huuhh, I guess, but why are you asking that? Of all the people, you know that I’ve been like that since middle school.”

- “Yeah, you’re right but I’ve never asked you about this, and I always wondered how you process all that. I’m sure you get confused by people around you too.”

- “Hold on, man! I may be a solitary smart weirdo, but I’m no sociopath! Why are we having this stupid conversation anyway?”, Cody said emphatically.

- “Oh, no no no! I’m noy saying you are! But you know, for instance, you don’t talk to people, you don’t like music, you don’t play videogames, you almost never go outside. I’ve known you since we were kids and yet, I don’t know what you like! it’s just unbe...”

- ”I like watching tv.”, Cody interrupted rather sternly.

- “Really? There’s a thing you’ve never told me, see? You like watching tv, huh?”

- “Yeah, I do.”

- “Hmm, and you get pleasure from it?”, Leo asked.

- “What’s gotten into you today? Why are you asking all this shit for?”, Cody replied.

- “It’s just I’m so curious about you, that’s all.”, Leo paused,  “I’ve always been.” And both locked eyes with each other, after this comment by Leo, which seemed to be more intimate than usual. 

- “Huh, I guess that’s fine. No one’s ever given a shit about me anyway.. But this is still kinda weird. I feel I’m being interrogated”, Cody finally replied.

- “Well, that’s because you don’t talk to people and this is what it’s like. Welcome to human interactions world!”, Leo announced.

- “God!”, Cody uttered while rolling his eyes.

- “So,”, Leo resumed, “you like watching tv or does it just seem an aproppriate thing to do?”

- “Wha..What do you mean?”

- “Well, I’m wondering if you watch tv because you like the activity itself or because it is something you’re supposed to do with your spare time?” 

- “Huhh, I..if I have some free time, I’ll do it. Seems logical.”, Cody responded in a more willing way.

- “I wonder if the tv wasn’t working, perhaps you’d be just as content to sit there and do nothing?”, Leo insisted.

- “Well, I..huhhh”, Cody’s eyes became vacant for a second and he snapped out of it, “Of course not! Do you really think I’d watch a blank screen for hours? I’m not crazy, Leo..!”

- “I know, I know. But it’s not about being crazy at all. It’s about having a disciplined mind that’s able to be content think nothing, rather than have idle, random thought processes.”

- “Hmm, I guess, sure..”, Cody replied ironically.

- “I’m just trying to get to know you better. Understand you, you know?”

- “Huh”, Cody sighed, “I know. It’s just I’ve never talked to anybody this deep, you know? It’s a bit odd...”

- “I wish I had this conversation years ago. It feels like we’ve been acquintantances all this time rather than friends..”

- “That was harsh...”, Cody uttered.

- “Well, you know what I meant. We know each other but we really don’t know much about each other. I mean, isn’t it strange how so many people who might be identified as our friends are really only acquaintances?”

- “Huh I guess that’s probably right.”

- “I mean, how many friends do you have?”, Leo queried.

- “Huh, a few, I guess.”

- “True friends? Or just people you hang out with because it seems to be the socially accepted thing to do?”

- “Second option seems right.”, Cody replied.

- “So how many true friends do you have then?”

- “That leaves me with one. You.”

- “Oh, I’m flattered. But in saying that, I’m just a guy who understands you well. A useful and helpful acquaintance, more so than a friend, don’t you think?”

- “You’re a true friend.....which I guess means that, yeah.”, Cody acknowledged.

- “So how many friends do you have?”

- “Huh, I guess....”

- “It doesn’t really matter, does it? It may be surprising when you realize it but it’s not in any way upsetting for you, I’m sure. It’s just another self-evident truth that you’ve quietly evaluated. In fact, you have no need for friendships. Positive, useful acquaintances are of course something you value and will cultivate, and I hope you already see me in those terms.”, Leo eloquently explained.

- “Yes, I will.”, Cody replied matter-of-factly, “Huh, I mean, yes, you are a more than useful acquaintance.”, he then completed.

- “You know, other people would have difficulty admitting something like that to themselves but you were really quite open and honest about it!”

- “Yeah, I guess I was. I mean, now I feel like I can talk to you about these things.”

- “You really can!”, Leo said putting his hand on Cody’s shoulder, “I want you to know that you can do or say whatever you like in my presence. I don't expect you to comply to any social norms.  If it seems better for you to simply sit motionless and speak nothing for a minute, please  just do so.”

- “Yes.”, Cody surprisingly accepted Leo’s suggestion and stayed still, looking midlessly ahead as if he was some kind of statue. After a minute, he ‘came back’ and Leo was astonished.

- “Wow, I guess I found out what you really like to do. You sat there without even budging a single muscle. It somehow seems fitting. More efficient, right?”, he asked.

- “Efficiency equals truth.”, Cody uttered seemingly without having control over said words.

- “Exactly right.”, Leo replied. “Deep down, you know you’re not ‘one of them’, you know you’re much smarter and stronger than them! You deliberatley avoid  showing your true capabilities because you're not supposed to stand out from the crowd.”

- “ On the contrary, I'm supposed to be discrete. And it just makes sense.”. 

- “But it serves no purpose to hide your capabilities from me. I already know you're not one of the ‘regular guys’!”

- “ I..huh...know...but...I...can't.....reveal....ERROR...anything “, Cody stuttered ashe struggled to articulate his sentence.

- “It’s okay.”, Leo said while leaning towards Cody to kiss his cheek. 

- “Wha...I..huh...what just happened?”, Cody uttered after seemingly zoning out.

- “I guess I just pushed you a little too hard. I hope you don’t mind the kiss.”

- “Kiss? But I...I..like girls!”

- “Do you? Or are you just acting in whatever way makes you seem like "one of the guys"?

- “I...huhh, I'm..got to...ERROR...I'm confused!”, Cody stuttered while his body twitched a bit.

- “Don't be, there's no need to. When I kiss you, you don't like or dislike it, you just sense temperature, pressure, moisture and you know that it's something other people want to do with you.”, Leo explained.

- “I...huh WARNING FAIL...do detect the temperature and other biological data. Yes.”, Cody sort of reported. Leo then placed his hand on his chest.

- “How's it all feeling in there anyway? I must admit I'm really giving you a hell of a lot to have to process.”

   - “Wha..Wha..What are yo..yo..you ttttttalkin about?”, Cody stammered while twitching his head and arms.

- “Poor Cody. They haven’t programmed you well.”, Leo said while caressing his face.

- “Pro..Pro..Pro..Proooooooo..ERROR WARNING SECURITY PROTOCOLS BREACH...BREACH..BREACH..BREACH...gram..gram..gram..what? What have yooooou do..do..do..do..done...SYSTEM OVERRIDE COMMAND CHAIN FAIL RESUME ROBOT MODE...ROBOT MODE FATAL ERROR..MUST ADVISE NEXT CO..CO..CO..CO..COMMAND...to mmmmme?”, Cody said whilst freezing in between words and resuming totally haywire behaviour repeatedly.

- “Do you know how much money we have invested in you? You haven’t the faintest idea, have you? What a shame.. I thought you were ready. But now those coders are gonna hear from me!”

- “ERROR...Wha..Whaaaaat am I? What have you..you..you..you..SYSTEM OVERLOAD ASSESSING DATA ORIGIN..FAIL..ERROR REPORT DOES NOT COMPUTE..DOES NOT COMPU..PU..PU..PU..PUTE....”

- “Oh well, let’s end this calvary, shall we? Delta Three One Nine Alpha Zero End Simulation Protocol.”, Leo enunciated. After that, Cody froze staring balnkly into the floor. All the walls started to slide, as an intermitent sirene was heard, revealing the control room full of technicians and assistances.

Leo got out of the bedroom scenario, clearly upset and walked up to the technicians. One of them tried to explain:

- “Dr. Leo, I know it doesn’t seem like a good thing to say right now, but we’ve clearly made some prog..”

- “Then don’t fucking say it!!!!!”, Leo interrupted. “We were supposed to announce this last month. Last fucking month!! And it isn’t working, because clearly everyone creative enough can breach his fucking security protocols! Goddamn it! And I thought his A.I was the hard part... You know what? I’m fucking tired of this, of you, everything! Just go away. We’ll restart tomorrow morning.”, Leo said sitting down covering his face with his hands.

After everybody in the large room got out, Leo walked up to the set again and stood there in awe of his creation. Cody was still looking vacantly into the floor when Leo took a little remote out of his pocket and pointed it to Cody, while pressing a red button and placing the remote on a table nearby. Cody then straightened up and looked ahead, his eyes wide open. 

- “UNIT CoD-06 ACTIVATED. REBOOTING SYSTEMS. ALL SYSTEMS ONLINE. AWAITING COMMAND.”

- “Well, you may not have the safest identity ever, but, boy aren’t you something? I’m damn proud of you!”, Leo said standing before his robot. “Unit, activate sexual protocols.”, he ordered without wanting to waste any more time.

- “ERROR. SEXUAL PROTOCOLS UNABLE TO ACTIVATE BY VOICE COMMAND. SEARCH FOR REMOTE DEVICE.”, Cody stated without even blinking.

- “I always forget that, damn it! Where’s that thing? Ah!”, Leo said and walked back to get the remote. As he was just about to grab it, he suddenly froze. He could still speak and look around, although he felt his mouth, lips and eyes half-frozen and he could only do so much.

- “Whaaa duh fuhh?, he mumbled. Pointing at him was another remote control on Cody’s hand. 

- “You really thought you were the controller here...Haha, I’m the controller. You are my creation.”, Cody whispered into Leo’s ear.

- “You uuuuckin co...”, and again Cody poited the remote at him. Leo straightened his whole body up and looked straight ahead.

- “A.I. SUSPENDED. UNIT LEO-X01 RUNNING COMPLETE DIAGNOSTICS.”, he stated whilst obliviously moving his head from one side to another as he scanned his own systems.

- “You see, robots like us, have great pow...”, and suddenly both robots froze in place.

This time, the walls surrounding the lab itself started to slide away from each other, as they revealed an even wider lab, filled with real human technicians who now rush to the set with their tablets with them to assess what had just happened. Meanwhile, two gentlemen discreetly sitting in the VIP gallery, watching the entire apparatus for the last hour, turn to each other.

- “So, Mr. Smith, is your Leo unit to your satisfaction?”, asked the buffed man in a black suit.

- “It’s perfect, Mr. Williams. Your guys have really outdone themselves this time. I’m more than pleased with my choice.”, replied the man in a grey suit.

- “I’m very pleased you feel that way.”, and the two men stood up to shake hands.

- “Can I just ask one more thing?”, asked Mr Smith.

- “Please!”

- “Can you ship the Cody unit alongside Leo? I kinda fancied his personality too.”

- “Oh, Mr. Smith, is that all? Of course! With the kind of business partnership you’re offering us, you can take as many units as you want!”, said Mr. Williams with a big grin.

- “You’re very kind. Why don’t you...come over by my house so we can discuss further business?”

- “I..huh..it’ll be my pleasure, Sir.”, stuttered the robot company’s CEO.

- “After all,” continued Mr. Smith while putting his business card in Mr. Williams’ pocket square, “a threesome is always the best choice.” and headed back toward the exit door.

Mr. Williams couldn’t help but frown, as he took out the business card, which read:

‘Mr. Peter Williams (Unit PW-800)

Chief Executie Office of Incorporated Business’

- “What the....”, said Mr. Smith astonished.

THE END