ok i'm a bit angry about people's attitudes toward depression and anxiety and i'm going to shout about it under the cut
people keep saying that they "understand" how i feel and can "relate". please just stop. i'm sure you've been really sad and i'm not trying to take that away from you but unless you've been rendered unable to manage even the simplest of everyday things you really don't fucking understand. and it's not necessarily comforting to say that! i understand that you "mean well", but a better and safer thing to say is something like "wow that sucks i'm sorry". this isn't about you and how you might have felt. that sounds so self-involved of me but i'm actually very tired of having people start talking about their own experiences as soon as i say the word "depression". sure it's a common illness but if you ask me how i am it's actually an effort for me to answer honestly and when you start going on about how you completely understand because you were sad once you're shitting all over that experience.
another shitty thing people love to do is trying to "fix" me. again, they mean well, but when you're telling me that i should eat more vitamins or think more positively or whatever you're actually implying that it's a choice of me to feel like this. wow thanks, not like i'm not already feeling guilty about this illness. don't tell me to "try harder" at feeling better. please assume that i'm doing my fucking best to stay alive. i'm not being lazy, im being sick. PLEASE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
there's also all kinds of shitty things people say about you when you talk about depression and anxiety. if you joke about it (which often is my way to try and cope) you're either romanticizing it or not really ill at all. if you talk about it in a serious manner you're either romanticizing it or just "looking for attention". (as if there's something wrong with that. as if you're not worth any attention. thanks for that implication also.) basically there's no way to even mention it without worrying about the bad things people will think about you. and i'm fucking tired of that. can i please exist in this world when i'm unwell? is that really too fucking much to ask?
another well-meaning thing people do is tell you "you can come talk to me if you want". i've also said this line. "just say so if you need anything!" but you know what? you don't. you don't ask for that because as we've recently learned you're not worth any attention. i can't just text people when i need them because they have their own lives and i don't want to be a bother. it's not easy to ask for things and i don't think it's fair that the full responsibilty should be on me. if you really care, you ask.
it's also fun when psychiatrists ask me "what do you think we should do about this?" how the fuck should i know? you're the professional! if i knew i probably wouldn't be here! you're supposed to help me! not to mention the therapist that didn't want to see me any more after she asked if i had any will to live and i said no. WHAT THE FUCK. health care system, do better.
i don't think people understand that this actually affects me physically. i'm exhausted always. they think i'm staying home every day by choice. i'm actually really fucking sick, i'm not just a little sad, i'm not wallowing, i'm struggling to stay alive and it's super shitty.
i don't know how to wrap this up neatly. i'm just very angry and very sad and tired. bye.
