#magic responsibility

i seriously contemplate my capacity for harm evey goddamn day and its really miserable because in actual reality, i am very polite. i am rude on accident sometimes because im autistic, but thats also not abuse? the fear and uncertainty and doubt that therapists infuse me with is a directionless, paralyzing terror of myself and what i might do. which is like. um. literally installing harm ocd. grins. there are never any specifics. just a general sense of... Oh No! we know you are very very bad somehow. make sure to experience shame and terror and question your own intentions until you ~realise~ that they are bad and toxic etc.

also as someone who has been relentlessly abused, when i get upset and hurt when i am treated like that, uh. duh of course i do? if you're version of holding me accountable is indistinguishable from bullying, again, if i were dangerous, what is even the goal. like what is the purpose of name calling and gaslighting and general cruelty for some vague abstract crime im definitely committing. there is no constructive criticism here. there is no gentle education or capacity for growth. there is no specific actions i am doing that get singled out and explained to me how it is bad. i just Am. bad.

because therapsychiatry has positioned itself as the only valid and responsible avenue for mental health treatment. and mentally ill people according to them cannot be trusted to just trudge along without treatment or to treat themselves. "come to us" they say. and then when i do, and actually expect them to do something to help me for real, or the treatment they give me does nothing, and i say so, well all of a sudden it's not their responsibility. i even had one therapist say "what are you doing about your recovery". uhh......... seeing a never ending carousel of Licensed Professionals? like You? like im supposed to? explicitly? (and also the actual work i did on my own was frowned upon and dismantled by her and others?????)

i keep trying to engage in this Responsibility thing in good faith, because i think sometimes that maybe there is some small valid aspect to it (like my mental health recovery cannot be realistically 100% their responsibility, because if they give me medications and instructions and such, its up to me to follow them. and i was!), but also like. even if there is a small amount of truth in it, its being used as an accusation and a judgement. it's loaded language and a demand and an efficient reversal to distract from the fact that: it literally is their responsibility. not to mention, the "its YOUR responsibility" accusations always happened as a response to me saying i was underwhelmed by their treatments. it wasnt a constructive criticism with specific issues with specific solutions, just a very abstract judgement.

how exactly am i failing to take responsibility? when i keep coming back and keep trying and am open and honest and instruct THEM in what i need and what works? what specific actions do they want me to take to fulfill that responsibility? i have no idea. it was not actionable criticism. it was an insult.

maybe its like, they understand on some level that they dont have anything better for me than the thought and emotion stopping techniques, so when i need something better than that (duh), they reverse the responsibility to distract me and themselves from the lies and the false promises of psychiatric treatment. its not that they only have a limited and frankly, stupid, method of "healing" people who suffer emotionally: medication, emotional control skills, thought control skills, and gaslighting, no, its that im a weak moral failire and lazy and entitled, which is a no brainer, cause of course the mentally ill person is like that.

this is what i mean by the glimmering curtain: therapsychiatry promises answers to human suffering that in reality, ultimately boils down to brainwashing and mind control or gaslighting or medications that only work sometimes to dull the pain. it took me 9 years to realize theres really nothing better than the circles and the dead ends. because the general population is led to believe that psychiatric science and treatment can be as simple and effective as taking antibiotics for your strep throat. basically a miracle if we're being honest. and so in order to maintain their own double think and facade, mental health professionals have to scramble to obscure their massive limitations. the way it happened a lot for me was them accusing ME of not trying, of not taking responsibility. it is an efficient thought stopping technique for the both of us.

and it makes interacting with mainstream culture absolutely unbearable. those ideas are so hard grained as factual truths about how people are and should be and dont get questioned even by people who are very thoughtful and its so exhausting. its in movies and tv shows and music and home decor and in therapy and online and just everywhere.

even when the person talking about it sometimes will admit shamefully that they are failing to choose happiness or "leave it in the past" and point to that as a personal failure. instead of, yknow, literally an impossible task. some stuff just is not "let go"able. some shit you carry for years and years, even if you are doing alllll the possible Work you can to heal and whatever, sometimes until you die. its not a failure! some shit just sticks to you!!!! and it sucks that its like that, but its because pain hurts, not because you're failing to make yourself rise above it.

some stuff doent bother me. some shit bothers me a lot. and i try hard not to punish myself for being affected by horrible life events! !!!! and you dont have to do it either!!! you dont have to shame yourself for not being indifferent. and god i promise anyone selling you the idea that x y or z mind powers or healing rituals or scripts or therapies or whatever can make you indifferent to pain is lying to you. they are lying. "let it go" is maybe realistic for when someone cuts you off in traffic, but not for literal trauma or abuse or exploitation. and if it does really mess you up that someone cut you off, thats ok too! its ok. its ok to be upset or irritated. we dont have to aspire to a literal impossible task and then punish ourselves for failing to do it.

when you go into "health care" to see a professional expert, and they tell you it isnt actually their job/responsibility to help you, that's called a clown doing fraud. but because of the horrific stigma and hatred of mentally ill people, that kind of thing is considered fully acceptable. it happened to me over and over. and other people will affirm that its the good and correct way to operate. because in another case it would be unreasonable yes, but as a mentally ill person, the circumstances are so vastly different and a professional authority taking the copay and then redirecting the entire job back onto me is some kind of responsibility therapy or whatever. im a thing to be molded into the correct shape... but also, even when i ask for help from the Professional as i am expected to do as a Crazy person, they demand i figure it out myself and act like they're imparting some expert wisdom? well it works because its manipulation.

and it's all wrapped up in the other abstraction about "the work". what is the work? who knows. just that you have to Do It. cause the therapist cant do it for you. i was never told exactly what i was failing to do. i was never given specifics or clear communication about what work i wasnt doing or what taking responsibility even means like. even when i did the hard shit on my own, they didnt like it and judged me ("we cant let you process your trauma by yourself or you'll get suicidal") and often would criticize and pathologize and break down the progress i had done for myself like. what the hell else am i supposed to do? when i do take responsibility, i get the run around or judged, and when i ask for help like im supposed to, i get told to take responsibility, and i never had any idea exactly what the problem was because they never gave me constructive criticism.