#lwwl

Out of the few students who were there this early, no one seemed to be giving him any odd glances or even acknowledging his presence, something which Brian was far too happy to receive. Even with the minimal attention, he didn’t want to be around them, not now at least. He walked over to the side of the school, slumped against the wall, and let his bag fall to the ground, his body following soon after. He stared off into the distance, once again seeing nothing out of the ordinary: a grey sky, a few trees covered in bright red and orange leaves, and some stray people doing their morning jogs, one of which running alongside their dog. Brian just sighed, taking in every little detail that he could as to keep his mind focused on literally anything else at the moment. Now it seemed oddly easy to do. Maybe it was a good thing; he didn’t want a rehash of last night. Not to mention how fast the time seemed to move now. More and more kids began filtering into the yard, all rushing off to talk with their friends about their weekends and the past events of Friday night. Girls were giggling, guys were howling, it was the same as always. 

With every passing minute, Brian feared the appearance of anyone he knew. Doubt filled his mind as the prospect of them avoiding Friday night appeared out of foolish wishfulness. Even Deacon was sure to bring something up, though he figured it wouldn’t be relevant to his specific situation. He didn’t want to deal with Freddie either. He was the only one Brian had actually talked to about this and he couldn't deal with those hawk-like eyes and intrusive questions of his, not since he had already gotten some details filled in about what happened. What if he spotted that handkerchief on his arm? Freddie surely wouldn’t let him out of his sight if he managed to see any of that. Hell knowing Freddie it wouldn’t take much at all for him to be dragged off behind the school and forced to talk about the whole ordeal again. Brian didn’t even want to think of the other person now, for just the mere mention of his name was sure to bring back the mayhem of the previous night. 

The first school bell rang and Brian instantly shot up and ran inside, desperately wanting to avoid the others now. He couldn’t handle any of their questions or conversations. One of them would be there soon and his best chance at avoiding them was to rush off to his first class and bury himself in a book to avoid any interaction with people. A few students stared as he rushed down, but none said anything. By the time he reached his classroom, he could only stand there and await his teacher. Of course this was the morning she was late, but he wasn’t focused on that, not now. He heaved a sigh of relief; he was inside and away from the other students out there. Once he was in a classroom, he wouldn’t have to face anyone for just a little bit longer. 

Within five minutes, his teacher came down the hall, greeting him with a small look of surprise on her face before unlocking the door and walking in. He took his seat and yanked out his book, wishing that he would be sucked back into this world so that he could forget the troubles in his own. Alas, he couldn’t care less about this book and the ability to truly be immersed in the travails of these characters was about as impossible as him sprouting feathers within the next three seconds! 

How he tried to distract himself even with the class beginning: listening to the teacher, taking more notes then he ever would’ve needed, even piping up to ask questions just to make his brain focus on talking for a few seconds instead of all that was troubling him. All that got him was a sharp pain in his arm when he shot it into the air to answer the question, forcing him to stifle a yelp as to not draw attention. He grabbed the side of his arm, gave his answer, and went back to writing nonsensical notes in his book. 

Even the next class proved to be a challenge. Once he arrived, his brain seemed to try to take him out of his surroundings once again so that it could focus on the thoughts hovering at the back of his mind. What’ll you do if you see him? What will he say? What does he think about you now...Brian shook his head and looked up at his math teacher, who was setting his briefcase down on his desk and shuffling through his own papers. Brian watched the other students filter in, trying to eavesdrop into their conversations just to distract himself from the one happening with himself inside his head. 

“Have you heard about the new Beatles’ album? It’s supposed to come out in December!” A girl exclaimed. 

“If Manchester wins, I’ll pay you ten quid for it.”  Said one of the football jocks. 

“Did you seriously forget your homework?! We were working on it just last night!” 

Brian tried to form his own narratives with those tidbits of conversation, yet they all just flew in one ear and out the other as more and more people came in. Everyone was still jabbering on to each other until his teacher stood up and waited for them to quiet down. He began going over the homework from Friday, one which Brian had already laid out on his desk. As he began reviewing the answers, Brian could only tune out once more, unable to focus on his teacher’s speedy walkthrough of each question. 

Can’t you just stop already? Brian asked himself as he tried to focus on his math teacher in front of him as he wrote something about functions and graphs, seeming to have finished with the homework review. He tried to read what he was writing yet the words wouldn’t stick as they immediately dissolved into vague white scribble in his memories. All he could do is imagine what on earth he’d do if he ran into him today. Should he just ignore him? Or maybe he should try and find him? God no, that’d make it too obvious. Besides, what if he wanted to avoid him? Should he let him or try to talk him into a situation he might not be comfortable with? After all, he and Freddie both did that to him, why not take their advice and use it today with him?

Brian just sighed, each thought providing various pros and cons within his mind as it battled with itself over what the hell he should do if that situation arose today. That wasn’t helping the fact that it might not even happen! What if it was tomorrow? Or this Friday? What if it never happened and he had spent all this time worrying about nothing? You need to practice what matters. He told himself, those stitchings in his mind aching again as he tried once more to take in anything of what his teacher was saying. And yet, he failed again. Each attempt to take his mind off of everything else resulted in failure after failure.

The following classes did nothing either; by noon there was no change in his mindset which led him to how he should deal with the next forty-five minutes of free time for lunch. At this point he’d fair better running to a nearby restaurant and hiding in one of the stalls in their bathrooms than staying on school grounds. Brian just stood outside his last class, acting as if he was looking for something within his bag as to dissuade any of the students around him from asking any questions or prompting him to enter into their conversations. 

When the halls did clear, Brian let out a long sigh and dragged himself down the corridor until reaching the area under the stairs. A dusty patch covered in cavalcades of lost pencils, hair ties, rubberbands, and even a broken lighter. He wasn’t sure if that all came today or if the janitors just pushed everything off to the side and cleared it away once a month, though both happening weren’t out of the question. He just groaned and collapsed against the opposing wall of the staircase and let his bag fall next to him. As it fell, it scrapped his arm, causing him to hiss in pain as the handkerchief shifted across the wound. Brian gave a quick look around before taking his coat off and pulling up his sleeve, only to see the faintest hint of red peek through the white cloth. Within seconds, he removed the handkerchief and tossed it into his bag, not wanting to see anymore of that red stain and eyed the wound upon his arm. It looked no worse than a scratch from a dog, so why did it leave such a mark on the cloth? No matter, he took out his spare and wrapped it around his arm once more, hoping it would last for the remainder of the day, or at least until he got home to wash away any evidence of this morning. 

Yet now all he felt were those snakes slithering about in his stomach, twisting around it so that the mere thought of eating made him nauseous. He couldn’t leave here and go to the lunchroom, that much would for sure end about as well as his attempts at sleep the previous night. But why were they returning again? What more did those parasites have to gain? He’d gotten rid of some of them earlier, but now the snakes were taking their place. Did he have to starve them to get them out? Perhaps so, at least that was what his stomach was suggesting to him for now. God knows what would happen if he tried to put anything but water inside of his stomach. 

Brian’s attempts at staving off his thoughts were growing weaker and weaker, especially now that he wasn’t able to “focus” on the board or his teacher. All he got now were memories of Friday, many of which were far more vivid than anything that had happened today. He could remember each song in detail, from Jailhouse Rock to Twist and Shout, even the slow song of Earth Angel that matched up with Deacon dancing with Veronica swirled about in his mind.

“The vision of your love's loveliness…” Stop it Brian…”I hope and I pray...that someday I'll be the vision, the vision of your happiness.” He was suddenly locked in that bathroom with him sitting next to him again. Those big, gorgeous, blue eyes that looked up at him with concern made his heart race once more. He could feel himself getting sucked back into the memory yet each attempt to stop it just made it harder to ignore. He could feel his control slipping away in the memory as he leapt onto him.

A blast of heat spread across his chest as he felt his heartbeat speed up and eyes flash open; he couldn’t sit here and face him, or anyone for that matter. Yet all he wanted was someone who could understand. He just wanted to know what to do; maybe he just wanted to be able to actually do something instead of sitting here rehashing everything that made him wish he could stop existing until it all blew over and he’d never think of it again! 

He closed his eyes, his brain granting him the image of him once more. That cocky grin, shining eyes, a laugh that could make anyone smile, even his hands were something Brian couldn’t help but admire. If only it were a different place, if only it were a different timeline, if only it was a different universe, maybe it would be okay if he felt like this-NO! He howled at himself. Don’t you dare start thinking like that again! Look what it got you the last time! Stop it already before it happens again! Fix this before it gets worse! You thought you could handle it but look where it got you! His mind barked as he rested his face in his hands, letting out a long and shaky breath as he waited for tears that he knew would never come. 

...

A ringing bell, a rush of students, and a cavalcade of their chatters followed once the clock struck two. Brian slowly packed up his things and dragged himself out of his last class until arriving at the front door of his school. He sighed and walked out, the sight of the clear sky doing nothing to perk his mood, even when the sun managed to hit his body at the right time where every inch of him felt a bit of warmth through the autumn chill changed nothing. 

There was a sudden grab at his arm and before Brian could turn to see who it was, he was being yanked across the entire schoolground to the side of the school where almost nobody inhabited at this time of day. After he managed to reconfigure himself after being dragged like a disobedient dog, he turned to see who it had been, being greeted with wide arctic eyes that were, once again, full of concern. 

“R-Roger! Wha-” He stuttered

He interrupted him with a tight hug, Brian’s heart racing in his chest as he froze in place, the only thing moving being his eyes as they hunted for any other glances from possible spies. Brian didn’t know what to do as his mind and heart began fighting once more to the point that it left him paralyzed and almost gasping for air.

Roger pulled away, Brian’s mind switching back and forth between fight or flight as he stayed a statue for the next few moments. He looked down, seeing Roger staring at the ground as his face turned a bright red. Instinctively, Brian wanted to reach out to console him, yet he was still too frightened and confused to move from his spot. It was only when Roger looked up at him with a questioning and apologetic stare that he was able to free himself from his frozen state. 

“I-I’m sorry…” Brian whispered. 

Roger said nothing and his expression didn’t change. 

“I...I wanted to say...I wanted to do...I don’t know what I wanted…” 

“You must’ve.” Roger muttered.

His words felt like knives as Brian stepped back, Roger jerking to attention as he stepped forward. Roger paused for just a second before motioning off to the back of the school. As he began walking, Brian followed closely behind, those two words replaying in his mind like a scratched record. “You must’ve, you must’ve, you must’ve…”

They got closer to the patch of woods at the back of their school. It was thin enough to see through to the opposing part of town, but thick enough so that you could hide if need be. Roger crept towards it, halting to make sure he was still following. 

“Are you sure we’re-”

“I don’t think rules really matter now, don’t you?” Roger asked as he held out his hand. 

Once again his words took him aback and left him without a response. Instead, Brian grabbed Roger’s hand and the two walked into the wooded area, taking a seat at the base of one of the many elm trees that surrounded them. The dead leaves crunched underneath them, most turning into dust within seconds as Roger let out a long exhale. 

“I never would’ve thought you’d be...well, like me.” Roger admitted. “I was actually hoping I’d get the nerve to just say something to you just to get it off my chest but I never found the courage to do so.” 

“You were lacking courage?” 

“I know..It’s just...It was just scary, y’know? I’d imagined so many things that I could’ve done but all that I got were ways that they could go wrong. I mean, it’s not like Deacon and Victoria-”

“Veronica.” 

“Right...But still, even though he’s as shy as a mouse, he likes...her. Even with rejection, it’s nothing big, not like me liking...you.” He paused and sighed. “I knew Fred was there...that I wasn’t the only one, but I’m not…” 

“Like him?” Brian suggested. 

“I wanted to say something to all three of you at some point.” Roger reiterated. “I really did...But just wanting it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t even sure if what I was feeling was real anyway. I mean, I’ve looked at girls and found them to be attractive, yet I...I can’t find anything past ‘Oh well she looks nice.’ or ‘Yeah she’s pretty.’ but nothing else ever came of it.” He said, continuing with a quick laugh. “I never really expected you to be...I don’t think anyone does. I mean, you’re nothing like how Freddie is with...all that.” 

“Freddie does…” Brian admitted, earning a shocked look from Roger which made his nerves go haywire. “I...I told him sometime last year. I was desperate for someone who I knew wouldn’t say anything and who I knew understood what was going on. I felt the same things you were feeling. ‘If I’m supposed to like girls, why do I feel the same about…about Roger.’” 

His stomach fluttered as Roger’s face turned red, leading to him to turn his focus onto the ground as he covered half of his face with his hand, blocking what Brian hoped was a smile behind it. 

“I-I don’t know why I did that on Friday.” Brian finally said. “I wish I did but I don’t know why and it’s killing me. I mean, you know me! I overthink everything! And then I pull something like...that.” 

“I’m glad you did.” Roger replied, the blush growing darker upon his face as he shifted in his spot. “Was...interesting, to say the least!” He sniggered out, making Brian’s face burn a second after as his heart began racing again.. 

“I never thought I’d say something to you, let alone go further than that.” Brian confessed as he twiddled his thumbs in his lap. “I’ve just been unable to let it go since Friday. I even wanted to talk to you over the weekend but I just couldn’t. It was just terrifying. What if you were mad at me? What if you thought I hurt you? What if…” He groaned loudly as a weight began to build up on his chest as he let out a shaky exhale, his eyes beginning to burn. “I’m just so sorry…” 

“I wasn’t any better.” Roger began.

“Yeah but I stirred all this up, I started all this that night and I never once called you or came by to say something…” He took a shaky breath as he felt those long awaited tears begin to fill up the corners of his eyes. “I was so scared that it kept me from making sure you were okay and-”

“Brian, I didn’t do anything either. I never came by, I never phoned, I never even tried to find you until today when I saw you.” Roger looked towards him for just a second before frowning at the ground again. “I didn’t know what to do. I tried to find you on Friday after you rushed out of there but once I got home, I just locked myself in my room. Scared the shit outta my mum to tell you the truth. But I couldn’t say a word...I didn’t even know if I wanted to, not like I could though. I still wasn’t even sure how I was feeling, or supposed to be feeling. Shocked? Happy? Scared? God knows if I’m supposed to have a single idea about what the hell I’m supposed to feel about this. I still don’t really know how I feel about Friday.”

Those last few words twisted the knives that were already present in his chest. “I’m sorry...I never wanted to hurt you.” 

Roger was silent for a moment but he just shook his head. “It was a lot, but I never felt like you hurt me. If you did, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now.” Roger said. 

Those last words twisted the knives once again as the tears finally fell down his cheeks. He managed to stifle the sob that was begging to come out but could no longer hold back the dual streams in his eyes. Roger caught on instantly and leaned forward, hugging him tightly once more as he buried his face into the crook of Roger’s neck. 

“Brian I’m not mad. I’m not upset with you either.” Brian felt a few wet spots form on his own shirt. “I just wish...I just wish I had said something sooner so we wouldn’t be dealing with this right now.” He said. “I’ve always wanted to say something about this to you. I just wish it had been easier than...than this. But it’s okay. I told you I’m not mad…” Brian heard Roger take a shaky inhale. “I just hope you’re not upset with me for being silent about it…” 

As soon as Roger had finished that sentence, something sparked within Brian’s mind; simple logic at it’s finest and he hadn’t thought of it at all. Perhaps it was hearing it directly from Roger himself and not the imaginative Roger within his brain that made it feel all the more tangible than it had before. He looked over at him, only for a second, but within that moment he got a beautiful glimpse of hope and yearning within those blue eyes of his that put the previous worry of his at ease. He wasn’t mad, not in the slightest! And now he had proof of it to ease his conscious after it being ballistic for the past few days. It felt like a fantasy becoming a reality. In a few seconds that last sentence sunk in as he shook his head against Roger, finally pulling away and wiping the streams off his face. 

“No...No I’m not. I don’t think either of us could’ve really said anything if we’re being honest.” Brian said. 

Roger shook his head. “No...Not with what we see and hear about every damn day. But

I’m glad something happened to make us realize it.”  

It was with that sentence that reality finally began to settle in for Brian. One of his greatest hopes had come true and it was actually happening. This was no dream-it was too coherent to be one anyway-but something actually happening in front of him.

 But our good friend reality can also be our greatest enemy. With that lovely dream coming to fruition in the real world also came the horrors that were associated with it. It brought the question that had lingered at the back of his mind since Roger confessed to him: now what? What do they do now? It was no romance movie that they had seen in the theatres where they declared their love with a heated kiss under the pouring rain-though he wouldn’t mind that happening either-and getting to live happily ever after. It was England in the 1960s, a place where if he just held Roger’s hand in public, it’d get either Roger or both of them beaten or possibly killed. 

And yet, he couldn’t leave it be now that it was out in the open between them. The chance to be with him was touching the tips of his fingers as lightly as a feather, but it was still there; it was real and for Brian, that was enough in this moment to pose the question. 

“Now what?” 

Roger looked over at him with concern draping over the hope that had lit up his eyes just a few moments ago. He heaved a heavy sigh before giving a little shrug. But within a few seconds, a mischievous light appeared on his face, bringing with it a small smile. 

“Now what? Well, no one has to know.”  

“Roger, how on earth-” 

“If Deacon can hide his relationship with Veronica, why can’t we?” He asked. “Besides, we already hang out enough. I doubt anyone’ll think that we’re…” Roger’s brow furrowed for a second before he continued. “That we’re together.” He declared. 

Brian opened his mouth to retort, but found nothing to say that wouldn’t be answered by the same question Roger had said. The mere shock of the idea was halting any possible rebuttals to Roger’s idea. Maybe it was because he agreed with it. Why would he say maybe? Of course he did! The idea of sneaking around with the one he loved sounded absolutely spectacular! 

As with every great thing, something bad must accompany it; this time it took the form of a dark grey cloud called his father. What if he found out about this? Hadn’t he always taught him to be truthful and honest about what it is he’s doing? But if that were the case, how come Brian always found himself lying to him about whatever it was he was doing? Yet even the mere prospect of this lie was enough to make him hesitate from going ahead with what he had truly wanted all along. If his father found out...he didn’t want to finish the thought. 

“Brian.” Roger began. “I know what’s going on in your mind but come off it. Nobody needs to know unless we decide to tell them. It’s no different from coming out. Besides, it’s our damn business.” 

“But what if someone...does.” 

“Brian please. I know what it’s like to keep guessing with the ‘what if’s. But can you just try this with me? I’ve been waiting so long for something like this, haven’t you?” 

With a glance down at Roger’s wide yet hopeful and energetic eyes, Brian couldn’t help but feel a rebellious spark within his stomach that spread through his entire body that brought a small smile to his face, something that was immediately reciprocated upon Roger’s face. Whatever his father didn’t know never hurt him before, so what would the difference be with this? And just the mere thought of being with Roger was the final bit for him to give his answer: 

Just go. Just go already. He’s probably home right now and God knows his parents won’t barge in like mine do. Brian thought as he pushed himself up from the park bench. Before heading away, he paused and looked around him, trying to see if anything seemed out of the ordinary; nothing did: cavalcades of colorful leaves hung to the branches surrounding the park while slowly falling into piles on the grass below, only to be blown away by the workers who kept the park tidy. In the distance was the sun, just barely hidden behind a cloud that was slowly moving past it as the wind shook the tree branches once again. It seemed so simple, so ordinary, like nothing had or ever would change. But it had changed, and Brian just wished that something bigger would happen so he could put his mind off of all of it. Maybe a hurricane would pass by here tomorrow or they’d see a flying man outside tomorrow. At this thought, Brian just rolled his eyes and sighed. Each of those were about as likely as a full grown werewolf strutting out in glittery red high heels in the next two minutes.

With one final look around, he headed towards Freddie’s. He hoped with all his might that it would just be Freddie at home and that the rest of his family would be gone for a good amount of time. Even then, it still wouldn’t be easy; last night had been so much that he didn’t think a single conversation could cover it all. Not only did he basically reveal how he felt to Roger, but it’d been his first time with anyone; both one’s first kiss and first...time. He didn’t even want to say the word in his own mind. And yet...something lingered. As ashamed as he was in that moment, he wanted more of that, only this time he wanted to elevate it. He wanted so much more than what he’d gotten last night. Sixty seconds wasn’t enough to cover any of what his dreams and primal mind had conjured up. Lecherous and vulgar thoughts seeped into his mind, many of which he’d forced back for ages. He wanted to hear those guttural sounds, feel the searing heat, and see all those crude images of Roger once more.

It was only when he crossed onto Freddie’s street that he was reminded of the grim reality he was stuck in. Brian did indeed want all of those to be a reality, and more if possible, but the ever present shame within his stomach told him otherwise. And yet, there he was, now standing atop Freddie’s doorstep, his hand curled into a weak fist as he gently knocked on the door to his flat, the sound of his approaching footsteps making his heart beat even faster.

“-have to come over this bloody-oh! Brian, it’s you.” Freddie said, now rubbing his left eye as he leaned forward a bit, obviously still stuck in some kind of daze.

“H-hey Fred, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He replied, seeing Freddie just shrug it off as he focused his gaze again.

“What’re doing here so-you know, I don’t wanna know. You wanna come in or what?” He asked, moving back a bit just in case he wanted to do so, to which Brian quickly entered, now fiddling with the cuff on his sleeve.

“Tea?” Freddie asked, already walking towards the kitchen.

“Eh-yeah. Earl grey if you’ve got any.”

In a matter of seconds, Freddie was back out there, two steaming cups of tea in his hands as he handed the grey mug to him and kept the light blue one for himself. Brian didn’t immediately drink it and let it sit on the coffee table in front of him. Freddie just stirred his, not saying anything for a few moments. He took one sip from his mug, scowled, and  placed it on the coffee table as well. Brian’s eyes flashed over to Freddie as he constantly shifted in his seat.

“Oh my God what did you do?” Freddie finally asked, the look of pure fear upon his face punching Brian right in the stomach.

“I-I don’t know what you mean! Nothing happened a-and” He stuttered.

“Bri dear, you usually down mugs of tea in seconds, even if they didn’t have time to steep. At the very least you usually stir it around for a moment and you haven’t even looked at it. Hell, you’re usually apologising and thanking me like I’m some deity that brought you barrels of gold! Something’s bothering you, dear.” Freddie replied, now crossing his arms across his chest. “And I think it’s not anything good with that answer.” He finished.

“I-It’s...It’s about-”

“Roger?”

He nodded.

“Don’t tell me. Actually, wait, do tell me. I wanna know everything.” Freddie said, although that blasted glint in his eyes already told him that his idea machine was already working harder than ever.

And so Brian tried to find the words to start it all; he tried starting with the dance last night after he ran off, then he brought up how others would react, and then he went off track again onto how stupid he had been last night until Freddie held up his hand, took another sip of his tea, and looked straight at him.

“Brian dear, just tell me. What did you do?”

The words hung on his lips as he took a deep breath. He looked back up at Freddie and finally said “So much...So, so much…”

Sympathy fell over Freddie’s once curious eyes as he moved closer to his spot on the couch. Brian’s mouth ran dry as he just shook his head, wondering what on earth he just did. For once he was thankful of Freddie’s perception skills; this time he didn’t have to say much and-in all honesty-he didn’t think he could’ve said anything else.

“Oh dear…” Freddie whispered as he laid his cup down.

That barely summed up what was swarming around. All Brian could picture was himself hastily redressing himself and rushing out of the restroom and the school, unable to hear anything over the blood pounding in his ears; he ran as fast as he could, the cold air smacking against his burning face. Only when he rounded the corner onto his street did he stop running. Despite how everything had been going, he couldn’t believe his luck that his father wasn’t home. Even now he couldn’t believe it. With that, however, came that bundle of nerves he’d felt last night, every little one feeling like a giant python wrapping itself around his stomach, slowly suffocating it until it was lost under every snake.

And yet, the first thing Brian could manage to ask was “Did you see Roger after?”

Freddie frowned for a moment before shaking his head. “I was a bit more occupied with Deacon and making sure he didn’t duck out of his date. I’m assuming he went home some time last night...Last I saw was him looking for you.” He recounted.

“He hates me; I know he does; why else would he act like that? God why on earth did I do that? I should’ve stayed home last night o-or...eh just do anything but that.” He grabbed a fistful of his hair. “I don’t wanna face him, Fred.” Brian continued. “I don’t want to see him in school on Monday. I can’t imagine him just completely ignoring me.”

“Brian you know he’s not like that. Yeah, the bloke’s got a temper like a fussy toddler at times but really, you think he’s just gonna ignore you? Especially since he apparently wanted you as well.”

Brian’s face screwed up in confusion as he turned to look at Freddie. “What on-”

“Come off it Bri; with that big brain of yours I would think that you’d know that when someone wants your cock that badly that they’ve got a thing for you.”

“Can you not say that?!”

“But it’s the truth! ‘Cause I really, really doubt either of you forced yourself onto the other. From what I’m picking up, you both got caught up in the moment and let go of everything for just a minute.”

“S-still...I just…” Did he really like him? His stomach couldn’t help but flutter at the idea as he suppressed a girlish giggle. Brian shook his head, that wasn’t the point; but damn it all if it wasn’t the thing he’d been dreaming about for so long. To think, Roger might actually have a thing for him; it was almost too good to be true! Too good to happen to him...Like he could ever have what he’d imagined.

“Brian, if you’re worried about your parents-” Freddie began.

“OF COURSE I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY PARENTS!” He howled, instantly forgetting about Roger liking him back. “Freddie come on! You’ve seen my father! Do you really think me shagging my best friend fits into his plan for me? Hell he already hates me playing guitar, let alone taking time out of my schedule for ‘petty teen romance’. He’s right anyway. I’ve got so much on my plate right now that I can’t fit anything else on it! I need to take care of myself first before I go off with anyone! Even if he was the most laid back person in existence, you really think I could do anything about it? You see what happens on TV or in the news! They think it’s a disease, something that a simple pat on the back would infect them! I can’t say I didn’t think it either when I was younger because that’s all I saw! That’s all we ever saw! Yet here we all are, wondering how we ended up here when all we were told was that it’s a choice and something we should ignore. There’s no possible way to change everyone’s minds. Forty years from now we’re still gonna deal with stuff like this so why should I try doing anything now.  I know that my father’s strict but at least his plan doesn’t end with me in the hospital because of who I am. Yeah, he wants me to have a family, but he’ll be far happier if I’m alone in my forties than if I’m with-” Brian cut himself off, unable to finish that sentence as his throat closed off from the building frustration. He released his hard grip on his shirt, the white now fading from his strained knuckles.

Both sat in silence, Freddie finishing up his drink and gently laying it back on the table and resting his head on his hand. He pursed his lips, Brian desperately waiting for him to say anything at this point; even if he’d just end up arguing with him over it again, he at least wanted to hear something reassuring from the one person who might know what to do. But Freddie stayed silent, his eyes staring at the wall behind him, Brian seeing the business of his eyes as they occasionally moved, squinted, or widened at whatever thought came through his mind. Once he furrowed his brow and looked at him, Brian perked up, widening his own eyes in hopes that Freddie had some kind of response for him.

“Honestly Brian, I don’t have some long, drawn out explanation for you. I’m not a writer who’s gonna give you paragraphs of deep emotional sentences when I can just say this: talk to him. If it ends bad, so be it. If it ends well, so be it. But you gotta get an answer from Roger. Until then, I can’t do much for you.”

“But I don’t want it to end badly...I don’t want anything to change but it has. I used to love seeing the little things he’d do, even if it was just seeing him run towards us to chat about music or school; what if I never get that again, Fred? What if he never wants to speak to me, hell he might not even speak to you or Deacon; how’s that fair to anyone?”

“Oh Brian come off it already! This is Roger we’re talking about! You think you’re being selfish when you’re the exact opposite of it! If you’re really worried about how he’s taken it, go talk to him! Who knows what’s going through his mind?!”

“I don’t know and I’m scared to find out…” He admitted. “I just wish I could go back to yesterday and stop myself from going altogether.”

“You can’t love, that’s a fact. No you go give him a call or I’ll do it for you-don’t look at me like that because you know damn well that I’ll get him on the phone right now!”

…

One could never have found a phone so terrifying: what if he didn’t pick up, or what if he just completely ignored the call, or what if his parents came home and questioned him about what he was doing? That last one was especially terrifying, for Brian figured he had at most ten minutes before one of them returned home. Cutting the conversation off like that just wasn’t right and he knew he couldn’t possibly continue with either of his parents in the house with him.

He tapped the table where the phone sat, not even sure what to do if Roger picked up; hell there wasn’t even a guarantee that he would pick up! What if his sister or mother did? Actually, in that situation he knew he’d just hang up the phone as soon as possible as to avoid any confrontation with either two women.

Brian tried to put himself into Roger’s shoes; he wondered how he or anyone would feel if the first thing they got from someone after something like that happened was a phone call. He grimaced and shook his head; what was he thinking? Calling someone on the phone was no way to handle this but damn it all if he didn’t just want to at least apologise for everything. Maybe he could send a letter to him and just try to avoid him altogether while in school next week until he got it. Oh yes Brian and next you can just throw a rock through his window with a sad face on it!

The door behind him clicked and Brian immediately backed off from the phone, immediately grabbing the magazine near him to give him something to do. His father pulled the keys out of the lock, pausing by the doorway for a moment as Brian said a quick hello to him.

“What’re you reading?”

“Oh! It’s uh…” His face fell. “All natural cleaning solutions for the house…” He paused. “It’s...something I heard ‘bout in school! Maybe mum could use it around the house…”

“A boy like you shouldn’t worry yourself with housework. Besides, all natural stuff won’t do anything. There’s a reason your mother uses good old-fashioned bleach and that’s cause it works. Changing it to something ‘natural’ won’t keep this house clean, it’d just smell like a bunch of grass and weeds.”

His father marched over and ripped the magazine out of his hand, tossing it back down onto the coffee table as Brian internally slapped himself for not checking what on earth he had grabbed. All natural cleaning products. What a ridiculous idea that is!

“Is your work done?”

“Yes sir…”

“Oh Brian c’mon now, I’m your father, not a professor. Just say yes to me!”

He winced at the fierceness in his father’s voice and muttered a halfhearted ‘yes’ in reply, looking back at the phone and silently wishing that his father would leave once again, even though he knew he’d just contemplate picking up the phone instead of actually attempting a call.

And yet, all he wanted was to hear Roger’s voice again, to have him next to him so that they could just talk about anything that came into their minds. Music, school, their future...Hell even a conversation about dogs or cats would make him feel safe. Just to hear him speak would put so many of his thoughts at ease. He shook his head; how could he feel safe around Roger? He’d broken their trust that night and knew that no matter what, something would linger over their friendship for good now that he’d pulled a stunt like that. God, all he wanted to do was apologise for everything and find some way to go back in time and reverse everything. Maybe then he wouldn’t be sitting there on the couch with his father in the room, the recent conversation about all natural products competing with man-made cleaners still fresh in his father’s mind while his was focused on the one person who he’d give anything for just to see him safe and happy.

…

Sleep was impossible; it always was whenever you had something to do the next day. No matter how minimal or massive the thing might be, it’d be enough to keep your mind running for hours and hours yet getting nowhere, behaving just like a hamster on its little wheel. Brian just stared up at the ceiling, his mind whirring about with every single thought about what could happen when he got up in the morning: would he see Roger, Freddie, even Deacon? He’d take the latter, at least he wouldn’t pester him with questions or make him feel like he’d gotten punched in his gut.

At the same time, he wanted anyone other than Deacon. He wanted someone to tell him what he should do so he’d get out of this situation safely. Wasn’t there a possibility where he could be with Roger without disappointing his parents? Perhaps he could just run off to the Swiss Alps. Build a hut there and stay away from others as much as possible so he wouldn’t have to face ridicule from those around him nor have to deal with the sight of his parents seeing him as something they didn’t ask for. They wanted a son who’d be successful and, in turn, happy; but how could he be happy like this? If he brought Roger into the equation at all, it’d end up as a monumental mess that would be impossible to clean up. His father was right after all, he had to be successful and he knew he couldn’t do that if he kept anything up with Roger that went beyond a friendship. He’d find a way to fix himself so he could be set when he went into the world. He didn’t have to have Roger in his life...did he? It was just an option, something he knew that he could change about himself if he really put his mind to it. It’s a choice, it’s a choice, stop choosing wrong you idiot! He silently yelled, gripping his hair as he kicked at the footboard of his bed. You like him because you choose to, that’s it. You chose to like him and you chose to-He couldn’t finished the thought. His stomach twisted about, guilt ridden spiders crawling up his stomach. Why did he do that? Why did he choose to do any of this? It was so easy not to do it and what did he do instead? The exact opposite. The opposite of what was okay. He couldn’t keep that up anymore; if he did, he’d just hurt himself and Roger. He could force himself to act differently. He did that for his whole life, why would this be any different? No one knew besides Roger and Freddie. He needed to talk to Roger, make sure he’d be quiet about this whole thing so it wouldn’t spread.

He turned towards the window, seeing the faint sunrise in the distance, to which he groaned and kicked the blankets off of him. There wasn’t an ounce of exhaustion in his body, not even the slightest desire to curl up back under the blankets and fall into a deep sleep. He knew why, his brain wanted him to suffer; it wanted him to remember what he’d done and figure out how he could rectify the whole situation at hand. If only he could turn back time...No, he couldn’t and he should stop fantasizing about the possibility. He couldn’t change time, but Brian knew he could change himself and if that meant hurting Roger for a week to keep him safe for a lifetime, he’d take it in an instant.

Before his alarm could go off, he slammed his hand down onto to top of the clock and got up. The routine began once again as he went into autopilot mode: blankly staring at himself in the mirror of the bathroom as he got ready for the day while his brain finally fell silent, unable to process any of the ideas that had formed within it overnight.

Upon walking back into his room, he paused for a moment in front of his dresser, his eyes wandering across the top and taking in the few items he had strewn on top of it: a few coins, a pencil, his wallet, and the red tie back from Friday night that he hadn’t bothered to toss into the laundry just yet. His jaw tensed as he tapped his fingers on the wooden surface as he continued to glare at that red snake that sat at the corner of his dresser.

Brian grabbed the tie, threw open his closet, and tossed it to the furthest corner, not watching to see where it would fall. He paused for only a second to stare at his guitar that sat in the closest corner, those old, useless ideas starting to swarm about within his mind once again before he shook them off, not wanting to distract himself from his current problems.

Forget it. Forget it. Just forget it and stop focusing on it already! He howled at himself, groaning as he marched down the hall towards their kitchen. Everything was dead silent, both his parents still sleeping in their room as he grabbed his bag and coat, walking out without another glimpse behind him.

Should I even bother going today? I can’t face him...I just can’t. I can’t face any of them, all they’ll do is ask me about Friday and I don’t even know what to say. I just want-He couldn’t finish the sentence for there wasn’t an answer. He paused on the steps outside his house, staring at the misty scene ahead of him: a few faint silhouettes of people walking along the pavement, a couple cars driving past, the hazy glow of the streetlights through the dense morning fog, and the occasional movement from the trees as another cold wind rustled their branches. It was just the same as always, yet Brian wanted it to go away. He didn’t want to see something so similar when everything was so different now. With a mere minute on Friday he had changed his whole life and all he wanted to do was run away, run off and hide somewhere so that he wouldn’t have to face a single person, including himself. 

All he had to do was lie one more time so he could get away from it all; so that he could enter a whole new reality where he wouldn’t have to worry. To lie...To be forced to lie to all those he cared about had come so easy to him that it was second nature at this point, why would it be any different if he decided to lie about one last thing, one thing that would make it as though Friday had never even happened. He could go back to how it was before or make it even better if he went through with just one more lie. He’d told countless at this point and it’d get him away from any possible harm that’d come to those he cared about. Each one of his friends would be safe and so would his family if he could convince himself that this thing was a choice, that he wasn’t really like this and that he could just as easily find some girl at school to prove to himself that nothing would go wrong. He’d blend in with the rest of the crowd for now and then branch off when the time came. It was safer that way, to go for something that more people accepted; that’s what his father had told him and Brian planned to stick by that from here on out.

…

The walk to school was treacherous; it was another rehash of the walk back on Friday and Brian wanted nothing more than to forget any possible memory associated with that day. Yet it was almost a picture perfect recreation: people walking along the pavement, cars driving past, and the school slowly coming into view in the distance. There was one benefit: he wouldn’t run into anybody. Freddie, Roger, and Deacon were probably all back at their homes eating breakfast at this point while he was outside being slapped about by the harsh autumn winds. Yet for some reason, he wanted one of them to walk by. Even if it was Deacon, at least he could distract himself by talking to him about anything but what was storming about in his mind. But no one was there with him, just a crowd of people who he’d seen before but never knew. He was the same in their eyes, just a face in the crowd, a nameless person who was just walking past them, uttering not a single word to them and probably never would.

He stopped walking once he came to the street corner. A few people groaned at his sudden stop but they kept going. Brian turned left, heading away from his school, letting his feet take him to wherever they wanted to go. In a few moments, he came across an alleyway, his feet bringing him into the darkness as he crumbled to the ground, kicking away a few shards of glass as a stray cat ran past him, hissing at seemingly nothing. He couldn’t care less about the mess on the ground or if anyone would find him sitting there; Brian just wanted to relax somewhere that no one would find him or the people who did wouldn’t care.

An aching weight began to grow on his chest. What was he supposed to do? He wanted advice from someone, anyone who knew how to get out of this situation. His parents, especially his father, would always be there for him, giving him the perfect sentiment so that he could get through whatever trifles he’d encounter. But where was that help now? He couldn’t go up to him and ask him about this, not unless he wanted to face the utter disappointment on both of their faces. Freddie hadn’t helped because all he wanted him to do was face it head on and not give a damn what others think. Then there was Roger...The one person who probably wouldn’t have the single bit of advice that would help him out in this situation but whose words would be the most helpful. Even a simple “it’s alright” would do wonders. Hearing his voice, having his arms wrapped around him and letting him just do whatever he needed to do; how he wished he actually knew what he needed to do. Did he want to talk? Scream? Punch a hole into a wall? Cry? In his mind, it felt like he wanted to do all four at once just to get it out of the way. He wanted to let out every last bit of this stress that was storming about in his mind without having to let anyone see or hear him. He didn’t want their pity, he didn’t want them to know what he was thinking or feeling. They were burdened enough with their own problems. His father...what had he told him?

“Care for others, that way they’ll be there when you need them.”

Brian couldn’t lose them because he’d burden them with even more of his problems. They wouldn’t know what to do, they wouldn’t be able to help. He’d just have to fix it himself. Find a way to forget what had happened on Friday and move on. Yet the stress and fear persisted, little insects crawling under his skin, wanting to burst free into the world; and he wanted them out.