The signs as Happy Endings quotes
Aries: For the record, I'm not entirely sure I'm not the universe.
Taurus: I don’t want to overstep, but every choice you make in your life about everything is monumentally wrong.
Gemini: If Mary Tyler Moore married and divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore?
Cancer: He could be your soulmate, your kindred spirit, your one tree hill.
Leo: Honestly, I haven’t been too interested in music since Smash Mouth left the game.
Virgo: Stop the violence, increase the peace. Or, as my bumper sticker says, coexist.
Libra: Reading’s stupid, TV rules!
Scorpio: Remember when I was gonna file a noise complaint against my neighbor’s cockatoo, but then I slept on it? The next day, I bought that bird a clementine, which it choked on. Problem solved.
Sagittarius: Good news: whatever I have is not from that bird I kissed.
Capricorn: Excuse me, "ma'am"? Okay, I'm gonna go and bawl my eyes out, and then I will be back to physically fight you.
Aquarius: I’m selfless and I have moves like Jagger--specifically, the ones he allegedly used on David Bowie in the 70s.
Pisces: When it comes, my revenge will be served like the tennis serve of a seventh grade girl: slow, out of bounds, and I will pull balls out of my skirt.
