#lowk vent

WHY CANT YOU COME STITCH ME UP?

me: *on not being allowed to wear shorts outside home* "well a lot of girls wear it yknow" my mother: "yeah and a lot of girls also do drugs and have sex, how about you do that too now huh"

(???????) (idk how tf wanting to wear smth comfortable for fucking 40 degree celsius became this)

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me: "maybe you could mix some veggies with a little mayonnaise and wrap it in a roll and give it to me for lunch" my mother: "why are you eating mayonnaise, there's poison available, eat that instead"

(???????) (what the actual fuck)

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me: "i wish sunday would come soon" my mother: "why do you need sunday, it's not like you're studying all day or anything, you're enjoying yourself enough arent you? yesterday you were out and about all morning, studied nothing at all, what else do you want?"

(i was out bc of practicals and then i went to make new glasses. and i got up at 6 am to study extra. i study 6 hrs at home everyday aside from the 7 hrs in class. but of course that isnt enough.)

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yk how sometimes, you'lle be watching or reading smth or wtv and there's ppl in a relationship an you casually go 'ugh im so jealous' like you also want a relationship cos 'oh they're so cute tg i want that' yk

well.

lately.

i get that but a whole lot worse, and idk how to put it into words properly but basically there will be an actual physical ache, a fucking ACHE. in my chest whenever i see/read abt ppl being in love, and it's basically like 'oh i want that' but intensified like i genuinely need someone to be like this w me rn i'm actually going to die, like it's a good feeling cos aww yk it's abt love n joy but it's also a horrible feeling cos holy crap i am a lonely unloved single fuck and it is PHYSICALLY HURTING ME bc i need someone like this to such an insane degree

i still haven't explained it that well but this the best i can do, ugh the limitations of language

anyway

there is only one conceivable reason why this feeling has been so much stronger lately, or at least the only one i can think of; cos since i like someone, and there's a high chance they like me, and we talk n we text n it's adorable, right yk js your average situation n so but basically this is the first time i've actually had a chance with someone so i think the reason this like ache is sm worse is bc like, i have the chance to actually have this cutesie relationship i'm seeing the characters or wtv have, yk like before i wanted it but it was impossible so yk. the feeling is pretty casual. but now the possibility is more in reach so the fact that i dont have it is even worse like you're right there you can just abt get it but also you don't have it.

he then (just now) said that he was sorry and that he felt bad for both him and my mom being so mean to me on my birthday. my mom, who was right next to him, said “NO I WASNT MEAN!!! I WAS STRESSED!!! I WASNT MEAN!!!” and my dad TRIED correcting her but she just WOULDNT SHUT UP. GIRL. YOU CANT TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY!!! YOU ARE AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT AND I HOPE YOU ROT YOU FAT BITCH. FUCK YOU