#loumentine

As Clem got stronger with her crutches, the notes started to become longer and more filled out too. Often ending with some sort of rambling or heart felt joke.

In the warmer seasons, he would often fold the letters up to take shape of a paper crane, before tossing them to her when she emerged from the dorms. And despite still waking up from her slumber, she never missed catching the letter.

Late fall was starting to take a toll on everyone. Rations were getting scarce with each passing day and most of the forest creatures had hidden away to hibernate.

In his letters he often expressed how he wished people could also hibernate and if not people, then walkers. It would take the edge off of them at least. Clem would often give him a sympathetic smile, understanding clear in her honey brown eyes.

Aj had started to grow taller and stronger too. Often being the first to jump up and volunteer to go beyond the safety of the schools iron gates to hunt or to fish, with sometimes the occasion of Clem tagging along- if it was just beyond in the gates.

It never ceased to amaze him how badass Clem was, and even if she couldn’t see it, everyone else certainly did. Some nights, when he couldn’t sleep however, he’d spend his nights in the music room.

After he lost his tongue, the first few weeks back at Ericson had been brutal. Nightmares often plagued his dreams, the phantom pain feeling so real. The only thing that seemed to ease his racing heartbeat and anxiety, was his piano.

He knew the notes like the back of his hand. Every key, every placement- every scale. It brought him a comfort he couldn’t properly describe. He didn’t have to worry about what he was going to write. Didn’t have to worry about his spelling or making sure what he hate written had made sense. It was just him and his piano and even though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, that was one of the first few things that helped him cope from the trauma.

Clem had her own ways of coping too.

Once she had been given her crutches, she was always on the go, trying to busy herself whenever she could. At first, it wasn’t noticeable. Everyone was busy after the delta raid.

But time goes on and life moves on and Clem needed to do that too.

So some nights he’d find her waiting for him at the piano. They would just sit there, playing the keys in the looming silence of the halls, no words, no letters, needing to be spoken or written.  

Just the two of them and the old falling apart piano.

-

It had taken a few months and lots of trials and errors, but eventually Willy and Aj (with the occasional help from Aasim) had finally succeeded in making Clem a prosthetic. It was far from perfect, and there was lots of room for improvement. But with the resources and the shit they knew? They did a pretty alright job.

That didn’t ease the anxiety he felt when she first started to go back out on scouting missions. Of course, she would always come back safe and sound, but just for extra measure, he’d write her a note.

Winter had been a brutal season for everyone. Ruby had come down with a shocking fever and some were starting to develop coughs of their own. Louis was one of them.

He knew that Clem and Aj had volunteered to go on a supply run, and as much as he protested, they didn’t have much of an option. So instead, he stayed up and wrote her a letter.

Only this time it wasn’t just a simple letter. She had to know that he loved her, and that she better come back alive. He had sighed it and crawled into his covers, the sweet embrace of sleep taking over him.

The sound of the iron gates scraping opening startled him awake. Light bled into his room and immediately he felt his heart jump into his throat.

He had slept in and missed her. By a long shot.

Muffled voices came from outside and what he could only make out to be screaming? Or was it crying? His head was so fucking muffled. He crawled out from the covers and threw on his coat, disregarding anything else.

He wished he hadn’t stepped outside.

There stood a shaken Aj, tear stains marking his small checks and already drying blood soaking in the material of his clothes. And in his hands? Was Clem’s hat.

His world slowed down completely. He could only focus on the hat.

“Louis..” Violet mumbled, reaching out to grab him.

Everything looked so blurry and overwhelming and he couldn’t stop looking at that damn fucking hat.

He had gone over this scenario multiple times in his head. Played out every worse case scenario that could happen to her. He had been through this shit way to many times before.

It wasn’t supposed to happen to her.

He felt a small weight tug on hips and finally he broke his gaze away from the hat and onto a glassy eyed Aj who looked like he had just lost his entire world.

Maybe he had.

-

Grief was a strange concept to him. They had built her grave, said their final goodbyes. Aj found comfort with the rest of them, and even though the small boy was very much still hurting, he was also showing signs of healing.

So why didn’t he feel like he was healing?

Guilt would often eat away at him, when he was alone. He had never been one to believe in superstitions and it was completely stupid of him to even consider it being the reason she got bit. But he couldn't help but feel like if he hadn’t slept in that morning, if he had given her that fucking letter, she’d still be here.

He hated nights like those.

The nightmares returned and so did the nightly visits to the piano room. Only this time instead of playing the instrument, he sat there on the dusty piano bench and cried until he no longer could.

Until the exhaustion from crying would eventually take over his body.

Aj would sometimes come into the room too, long after he broke down. They would just sit there, just like Clem and him had done months ago, and they would play nonsense. Melodies that felt half hearted, keys and notes that didn’t merge well together. All of It helped, for a little bit at least.

Aj was slowly beginning to smile again, even if it was for half a second. Half a second was better than nothing.

He hoped, in time, he’d be able to smile for that half of a second too.

-

Louis had never been much of a writer.

If he needed or had to, he would. But he never really had the desire to keep a journal like Aasim, or draw his thoughts down just like Tenn used to.

Then she happened and everything felt like it was going to be okay for once in this God forsaken nightmare but just like anything else, nothing good ever lasts forever and now she was gone six feet under and he couldn’t deal with it.

It wasn’t supposed to happen to her.

He pulled out the blank piece of parchment, careful not knock over the candle as he set it down on the desk. After all, last thing everyone needed was another fire.

Not Clem.

His wasn’t much of a writer but he needed to do this- for his own sake. He was remaining strong for everyone around him, but mainly putting on a brave face for Aj. The little shit was in their care now after all.

So he sat down and wrote until he physically couldn’t anymore. Until the tears that threatened to fall blinded him.

“Darling,

I know you would want us to continue on, even though you are no longer here. That’s the funny thing about all of this don’t you think? We’ve all grown up surrounded by death and yet it never really gets any easier does it? I think… I think my mind is still in some stage of denial. It’s been months and I still half expect to see you standing there, laughing or talking with someone when I enter a new room. Or to find you teaching Aj about something positive about this shithole of a world.

You’d be so proud of the little man he’s becoming Clem. I know we all are.

The piano has started to go out of tune again- I blame the weather. I would tune it but..truth be told part of me doesn't want to, as silly as that sounds.

How did it get to this point Clem? You got us back home, you came back home. You gave us. Gave me-”

Droplets fell onto the paper and when the few tears fell, he couldn’t stop the rest from falling. Everything that had been eating away at him for months on end was slowly beginning to dissipate away.

He couldn’t continue the letter. He didn’t even bother to read over it. Instead, he folded it up in a crane shape, just like all the others and placed it on his bookshelf.

For the first time in months, he was starting to feel again. There was no guarantee he was going to start feeling better soon, but he was healing. Slowly.

No amount of words on paper would ever be enough to describe all he felt about her and about her life. And even though she was gone, he could still feel her presence in the little things. Like the sun shining through the window, or when a patch of wildflowers completely bloomed in the spring. That was how he- no everyone was going to remember her.

And for as long as he was on this earth, he was going to fight like hell to survive, just like she had done.

Everyone sat around the fire, either on the couches and chairs or on the floor when there was no longer space. Marlon quickly explained the rules, “You all know the rules for truth or dare, lowest draw is given a dare or truth from highest etcetera etcetera, but in this version of the game lowest draw also has to take a shot.” Faces were filled with excitement as Marlon paused for dramatic effect, “And.. if you refuse to answer or do your dare, you take two shots.”

While Marlon shuffled the deck of cards Louis turned to face Clementine who was sitting next to him, “Where’s AJ? You two are usually attached at the hip.” He gave her a little nudge with his elbow causing her to smile.

“He’s in our room with Tenn, they’re drawing together. I thought that would be a better place for him right now than around a bunch of drunk teenagers.” Louis gave a knowing nod. “Brody’s there too, she offered to keep an eye on them.”

“RIGHT, Clem, Louis, pick a card and stop flirting.” Marlon passed the deck of cards around the circle making sure everyone had drawn one. Vi was the first to draw the lowest number and Mitch was the first to draw highest. He took his time coming up with a truth that was sure to embarrass the girl that couldn’t be embarrassed.

“Got it. Vi, if you had to date anyone here right now, who would it be?”

“Clem.” The answer was almost instant shocking nearly everyone gathered in the circle and making Clementine turn a light shade of pink.

“And why is that?”

“An explanation wasn’t part of the question.” She grabbed for the whiskey bottle and quickly unscrewed the cap before taking a mouthful and swallowing as if having a sip of water. The rest of the group stared at her in awe when she didn’t react to the burning liquid making its way down her throat.

Louis cleared his throat in an attempt to move the game along. “Okay then.. next draw.”

It was very clear to everyone in the circle that Louis didn’t have a poker face, as soon as he drew his card his face broke out into an enormous grin, “So who am I asking?” Ruby slowly raised her card showing off her 2 of diamonds. The bottle was passed around to her and she had already decided that she would not be drinking any of it. “What if something happens and we need someone with a level head,” she spoke nervously. Usually the rest of the group would push for someone to join in with their activities but there was something about the way Ruby held herself that showed her mind would not be changed on the matter. They didn’t push her. Instead Mitch came up with a compromise.

“You still have to answer the question,” he began, “but you can choose someone else to have your shots for you.” The idea seemed to go down well with the others as a chorus of oos and ahhs irrupted.

“Ruby my love, how do you feel about our poor awkward Aasim over there?” Louis wore a shit eating grin. Her cheeks turned a deep shade of red, anyone would think all the blood in her body had rushed there at once. “I’m not answering something so childish,” she began, “I’m giving my two shots to Louis.”

“I feel like this… compromise, is flawed.” Louis took two gulps from the bottle. He quickly placed his hand over his mouth, his face screwed as the liquid burned his throat and warmed him inside. Almost instantly he could feel the effects of the alcohol starting to take hold. The dizziness, the blurring. The joy.

Everyone drew another card, continuing the game. Willy drew lowest and Clem drew highest. Pausing for a second, they all began to realise that it wasn’t the best idea for Willy to drink having only been a few years older than Tenn, although they weren’t really old enough either.

“I dare you… to go check on AJ and Tenn. See if Brody needs anything.” Willy frowned

“That’s not a dare! I want a proper dare!”

“A dare is a dare, Willy.” Willy let out a loud huff and stormed off towards the school without having his drink first. Ruby smiled at Clem, happy to see someone being responsible, for once. Responsibility was hard to come by when living in close proximity to Louis.

Once again cards were drawn and once again a question was asked but this time by Vi to Aasim. “Aasim, what is your favourite thing about Ruby?” They both blushed, something that was becoming very common.

“Well… err… “ Aasim quickly took his shot. “I guess err, that she cares so much, I mean you gotta care about people to be so interested in medicine and stuff and yeah,” He gulped. Ruby, as if it was even possible, turned redder. Her face resembled a tomato as she refused to look over at Aasim in fear that it would just get worse.

“AWWW, you two are so perfect. Anything to say Ruby?” Louis wiggled his eyebrows at the pair. Without a word Ruby grabbed the bottle from Aasim’s hand and took a swig herself glaring at Louis the entire time. “Well… I guess not then.”

The game continued, and most people were either drunk or tipsy excluding Ruby and Willy, who never came back to the group but decided to stay with Brody and the boys. Mitch was lay on the floor because ‘the cold felt nice’, Marlon was struggling to keep his eyes open and Louis couldn’t keep still nor quiet.

“I’m s’drunk.”

Violet’s eyes rolled, “Louis, you always act drunk, there’s no difference.” In his drunken state he failed to even hear Vi’s comment and instead started poking Marlon in the ribs. He simply grumbled in response.

“Pass the deck ‘round. Want another go.” Marlon was silent but did as he was told before collapsing back into his chair. Everyone examined their cards discovering Louis and Clem would be participating this round.

“Cleeem, you’re high, I’m low. Ask awaaay.”

She smiled and shook her head before thinking of a dare for the very, *very* drunk Louis. “I dare you to shotgun a beer.” Marlon and Mitch had both done so earlier for their own dares, evident by the cans laying around them. Louis sprung up from his chair and grabbed one of the cans laying on the floor, he held his hand out and gestured for Clem to pass him her knife. After puncturing the can he positioned the hole over his mouth and opened the tab. He was successful, for a few seconds, until he started to splutter, and the beer made its way down his coat, soaking him. The circle irrupted in laughter, even Mitch who everyone thought had fallen asleep on the floor.

As the laughing died down and tears were wiped from eyes Louis turned to Clem, a look of admiration on his face, “What an amazing dare Clem, so fun, so… Clem, why are you so great at everything...” Before Clem had a chance to react Louis turned to Marlon, “You’re such a good friend Maaaarlon.”

“You too dude like, s’best friend.”

“I think I looove you,” Louis grabbed his cheeks with his sticky beer covered hands and started to lean closer puckering his lips. At the sight of his face Marlon instantly sobered up trying to remove his hands and push him away, “LOUIS NO!” Mitch started laughing uncontrollably at the sight before him with tears in his eyes, it was clear that they had, had too much to drink. Noticing the serious look on Marlon’s face Louis turned back towards Clem and poked the tip of her button nose.

“I think I might love you too.” The laughing stopped, and everyone fell silent as their eyes widened in shock. “I THINK I LOVE ALL OF YOU,” Louis swung his head back hitting it on the back of his chair. The laughter started again his earlier statement almost forgotten.

“I think it might be time for everyone to head to bed,” Aasim tried to speak between laughs, “especially Louis.”

“S’right,” Violet coughed trying to hide the slur in her voice and repeated herself. “He’s right.”

“Vi, are you drunk?” Mitch asked in shock, the girl had seemed sober all night. She quickly stood up in protest, “No, I am not.” As she tried to walk towards the school she tripped over nothing but her own feet and landed on the floor proving Mitch to be correct.

“VI’S DRUNK.”

“Shut up,” Violet stalked off towards her room and nearly everyone got up to follow her into the building, everyone but Louis. “No. Don’t wanna. Having fun.” Clementine offered to make sure he got back to his room safely and didn’t pass out on the way there. Louis jumped up at the talk of Clementine escorting him stating he would only go to bed if she took him.

Escorting Louis to his room was a lot harder than Clementine expected. He tripped over his own feet constantly and she had to make sure he didn’t fall face first into the hard floor. He kept laughing at nothing in particular as well and although it made the walk a little longer Clementine didn’t mind. It was nice to see people laugh and smile again, really nice. She wished it could happen more often.

She opened Louis’ door with her foot while her arms were busy trying to keep him on his feet. After dragging him over to the bed he lay down, not bothering to take his beer-soaked coat off.

“Now go to sleep and sober up.”

“Clem, wait...” She looked back at him from the door with a puzzled look on her face.

“Thank you.”

“No problem, I don’t think you could have made it back here on your own anyw-“

“No,” Louis stopped her mid-sentence and closed his eyes, “No, thank you for crashing your car.” She fully turned around to look at him with one of her eyebrows raised questioning his statement. “Because, if you hadn’t then we would never have met, and I d-don’t think I like the idea of us never meeting…” Clem fondly shook her head telling Louis once again to get some sleep. She walked through the door and was about to close it behind her when she heard his voice once again.