#losing self

and maybe it's because you're always on my mind,

with me when i'm writing a poem,

with me when i'm reciting in class,

with me when i'm talking to a cute boy,

with me when i'm eating, and

with me when i'm crying.

you were the only one that I thought about and it made me happy, finally, I have an inspiration to help me get through this ratchet life I have.

but some time then, for some reason, I realized, it sucked. it sucked so bad.

it didn't really do me good.

I couldn't focus.

I couldn't focus on my poems, my studies, my health, my being.

I've always told myself that i'm going to forget about you, i'm going to do my best to clear you from my memory. I'm going to have fun and not let you ruin everything and let me lose what i've gained from being apart from you.

but I guess I failed. I failed bigtime.

no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do it.

I sleep thinking about what's between us and I wake up thinking the same.

and at this point, it's become a cycle that I can't get out of. i've become a train that's trapped in an unending, circular track.

I wonder if feelings really matter,

I can’t feel anything,

but I wonder why I’m always the one to blame,

everything is my fault, that’s what they always said to me,

and I don’t even know myself,

I don’t know which way to go,

I don’t know what to do.

And I flip burgers for a living.

I’m not saying I deserve to have their jobs or that they are objectively worse than me because I learn faster. I’m saying it’s hard to be friends with someone who thinks success is intelligence and I’m worth less because I didn’t make it as far.

I won’t say I’m not bitter. I’m incredibly bitter, I won’t lie. My illness has made everything harder - it’s not all on me, alone. And I don’t deserve to be dismissed or ignored. But that’s not what I’m saying either. All I’m saying is if life took a few turns different, I could be the one looking down on them.

Except that I, as I am now, would never have treated them any different.