#losing himself

please read this after you've finished ep8 (also cw/ discussion of s*icide)

What do you think about ayan's hesitation when his mom asked, “are you leaving me too?” it broke my heart. his attempt to smile just to comfort his mom and then shifitng the focus on akk and not himself. idk, i always thought akk might have s*icidal tendencies and i felt like ayan knew that too, that's why ayan is so overprotective of him. ayan blames himself for what happened to his uncle and he fears that akk's fate will be the same.... especially that ayan sees uncle dika in akk (i think). based on the old trailer, i always felt like akk's jump is just a product of ayan's fears (nightmares). but now this hesitation changes things, right? do u think the series was intentional in emphasizing ayan's hesitation in this scene? is he really thinking about it? And do u think the creators might actually go there? Also, do you truly think uncle dika's depression was a factor in his s*icide? uncle dika's words in the journal, showing he was depressed and had attempted multiple times before solidifies the theory that chadok did push him to the edge but is that the only reason?

im sorry if my thoughts are all over the place and i hope wasnt offensive in any way. i just cant get that scene out of my mind. because ayan looked like he was contemplating it but then just smiled so as not to scare his mom and i felt like that in itself says so much but im not sure if the series will ever go back to discuss this or parallel it?

Note to self: I miss you terribly

 Do you want revenge, or do you want the truth? - Lee Woo-jin, Oldboy [2003]

Trigger Warning – Suicide, self-harm

TLDR: Several others have written about this here and here, but I think Ayan’s a boy lost in his mission for vengeance.

In Oldboy, a movie about revenge, the protagonist and antagonist are so focused on revenge that they allow nothing to get in their way, and when they complete their revenge and the truth is revealed, the antagonist has nothing left to live for, while the protagonist doesn’t even know what to do with his life (this is a really tame summary of the film).

Who was Ayan before he transferred to this school? Did he have friends? Did he enjoy school? Did he have a life outside of school? Who was he before Dika died by suicide (and yes, I do think he died by suicide)? Who was he before he decided to go on this quest for revenge?

We know he met his uncle occasionally at the café. We know he was at the rival high school his uncle taught at until he died by suicide, but previous to that, he had been at a different school for a long time (his mother mentioned this during their phone call in the first episode). Even those tidbits show that Ayan was on a self-discovery journey.

Now, within a span of a few months, Ayan has lost the only person he felt understood him (through the phone calls, we see he has conflicts with his mom), he has distanced himself from his journey of self-discovery, and he has completely thrown himself into a hostile environment with one single goal in mind – to find out how this school contributed to his uncle’s death, so he can destroy it.

Throughout his mission, he has helped The World Remembers find the confidence to keep fighting, he has helped Thua find his voice to speak to his mother, he has helped Kan realize his feelings for Thua, and he is helping Akk with his fear of judgment, perfectionist tendencies, and eating (read: Akk is so stressed he isn’t eating!).

Who is helping Ayan though? Akk comforts him when others aren’t around, but the second he believes someone could see, he rejects Ayan. Thua warns him to not cause a ruckus, but that’s advice, not help. Nun, Nong, and Nian have each other and their boyfriends. Kan has Wat and Akk. Ayan has no one.

Ayan blames himself for Dika’s death because he believes if he had been there for him, it wouldn’t have happened. Now, he is trying to be there for everyone. Ayan is experiencing high levels of anxiety (grabbing the necklace), anger (fists curled up), sadness (crying at home, at school, and at the beach), and he isn’t sleeping (regular nightmares that also surface during the day). Ayan didn’t sleep in that tent because he has nightmares that wake him up. He didn’t sleep in that tent because Akk already made fun of the way he cries out in his sleep. Ayan wants to be vulnerable, but where? With whom? When?

Now, his journal, which is one of the last connections to his uncle, is missing. He can’t trust the people he wants to trust that they didn’t take it. He seeks comfort in the only place he can think of – Dika’s journals. He has read them often, as pointed out by his mother, but now he finds this page that he hadn’t seen before that outlines how Dika survived two suicide attempts, something he doesn’t seem to have known. If translated, the page actually goes into detail about those non-fatal attempts, and it’s…rough (hanging and overdose).

Ayan knew his uncle was suffering from a depression disorder, but the mom stated they thought he was well. They thought he was doing well, yet Ayan read that Chadok did something to affect his uncle’s recovery, an uncle who had two previous non-fatal attempts.

Whoever Ayan was before his uncle died has been lost in who he is now under the pressure of trying to save everyone including the memory of his uncle. And who is he now?! When his mom asks if Ayan is leaving her too, it’s ambiguous. Where is the Ayan who was happy? Where is the Ayan that was simply a high school kid? Where is the Ayan before all of this happened to him? Is that Ayan gone?

Ayan’s mental health is declining. However, that hesitation when answering seems to be one of reflection, something he hasn’t done. The music even stops. He has told no one that Dika is dead. Whenever he is asked, he changes the subject. Whenever he cries, he wipes away his tears and carries on. Whenever he gets upset, he smiles and flirts. He is training himself to be numb, so when his mother directly questions him, he has to evaluate his feelings.

But he doesn’t. He has a chance to really think about all that has happened to him and is happening to him, but that’s too real and he has learned that there isn’t space or time for that, so instead, he smiles and says all is well. And we see an image of the eclipse right after, which signifies his decision to continue on this path of vengeance. Then, he goes to Akk’s and demands that they search Chadok’s office.

We know all isn’t well at school, but much like Kan, Thua, and Akk, his defense mechanism kicks in – smile, nod, reassure. We know the school is getting to him, but he says it isn’t. He can’t tell his mom that because she’ll force him to leave the school, and Ayan can’t have that, not now that he KNOWS Chadok is linked to his uncle. His entire life is focused on that school. As with Akk, he is becoming more intertwined with the school each day, so who would he be without this school, without his mission, without his vengeance?

He’d be lost.

Ayan is having a Taylor Swift moment (yes, I wrote that). The Ayan his mom asks about is already gone. Whoever he was before he decided to seek vengeance can’t come to the phone right now because he’s buried him within himself, so he can focus on his mission for revenge.

Ayan believes finding out the truth will give him the revenge he is after but as the quote from Oldboy shows us, they are not one in the same. Ayan is already seeing that the truth (Akk being the curse) will not grant him the revenge he seeks. Reading Dika’s journal foreshadows that the truth of Dika’s death is much more complicated than Ayan initially believed. Ayan’s lost in his mission for revenge, but he is going to have to decide between wanting the truth and wanting revenge. If he continues on this path of revenge, it will be all-consuming and take Akk, the boy he wasn’t expecting, down with the school.

Ayan can have the truth or revenge, but he can’t have them both without losing something, and so far, he seems to be losing himself.