#longrants

Everything happens for a reason.

The thing that made me the most sad about Kesha's defeat in court was the fact that she was a woman who had way more power and more evidence than me. But no one believed her and no one protected her. Her word was not good enough. I remember my dad telling me that if I get harassed again at work I shouldn't bring it straight to the manager or human resources. I should talk to him first because even when it's not your fault, you can still be the one who gets in trouble in the end. And the message I got from Kesha's court case was that dad was right and that nobody is here for me. I felt like the Justice system told me that I have no voice and that nobody will ever believe me. Especially since I had no hard evidence, I had nothing on record, I had nothing that I could get tested in the lab. My perpetrator always made sure my manager wasn't around so he could interrupt my work and bother me. That meant that I had no witnesses either. I made a lot of mistakes myself in the situation because I did not expect the situation to turn out the way it did. I wasn't being the perfect victim and that's why the story isn't credible. The perfect victim thinks ahead of time to record every counter she has with a male in the workplace so she can readily bring it to human resources when the time comes. The perfect victim is not friendly to any male colleague she sees. That way, she can say that she was never inviting the victim to bother her. The perfect victim has a kit on hand to collect the evidence she needs. The perfect victim always has a tiny camera clipped to her clothing to capture every single second she spends at work. And the perfect victim has read a textbook on protecting herself from harassment so she can evaluate every situation effectively and with great detail. But regardless of what a perfect victim is, I wonder how effective being one would be. Kesha did a far better job at this than I did but she's still stuck. I am lucky I never had to experience an ordeal as traumatic as Kesha's, but still, it should be my basic human right to feel safe at work, and I didn't exercise it effectively. I just gave the guy the cold shoulder and avoided him like the plague so that eventually, he got the message. Why? Because I had the irrational fear of being punished for doing the right thing even if my manager probably would've helped me. The reason I stayed silent the moment the news broke out about Kesha's defeat is because I felt defeated too. I didn't know the right words to say and I felt weird making this story about me but in reality, it's about everyone. We never think that it could happen to us or anyone we know. We always say, "Not me," "Not my daughter," "Are you sure?" or "Don't be so silly, you're overreacting," and more. I now realize that when we take people's precautions too lightly and we don't accept the word of the victim until proven otherwise, we are maintaining the status quo. We aren't helping people feel safe because we aren't judging the situation effectively by saying "Why didn't you do such and such to defend yourself?". We are just putting them down for making a choice that they now realize is wrong. I'm guilty of this poor attitude because I faced risky situations before and turned out okay, and I've seen certain things in a particular situation that other victims in a similar situation didn't see. That thinking is like beer goggles for moral judgement because we lose our empathy for others when it matters most. I have nothing to prove to human resources and the situation is long gone. But I'm not afraid to talk about what happened especially when I remember every detail. I think talking about it makes it easier for me to cope and move on at the very least. What I can do now is keep learning, be proactive, be assertive, be vigilant, be open, and be kind to people who allow themselves to be vulnerable to me. And most importantly, don't harshly judge somebody for not being "smart." In this world, we cannot afford to lose each other over petty judgements that we make too quickly.

Payaman eh. Lakas mang uto ng ibang tao para kunwari marami siyang kaibigan yun pala “Libre ko kayo dun” “Ako bahala sa inyo” Pag naubos pera ayun, nasaan na kaibigan mo? Wag ganun teh. Tangina mo eh! Kung mayaman kayo, wag mo na ipangalandakan kasi di parin naman kami mabibiyayaan niyan, buti sana kung lahat ng kaibigan mo binibigyan mo ng isang milyon, jan ako maniniwala na may forever. Haha Pota kasi hindi. Kaya tahimik ka nalang, wag na masyado hambog, di ka naman maganda. Ops! Sorry! 

I’ve lost all control, and all motivation. I am in a rut that has lasted weeks and I have no idea what to do or how to focus. The only thing that has brought me happiness in a while is listening to The Weeknd. To be honest, that’s been the only thing that has kept me sane for about 4 years now. The pain in his voice is how I’ve felt all my life and even though I’m a girl, his lyrics are me. I was supposed to have turned in my exam rough draft paper for school 2 days ago….that didn’t happen. I told myself I would buckle down and do it even though I will get points taken off for tardiness…that hasn’t happened. Instead I’m sitting in my room surrounded by all of my notes and research listening to Abel Tesfaye sing about drugs and sex. The worst part, is that if I fail a class I will have my aid taken away and I’ll have to drop out, you would think that would be motivation enough to do it, even if I don’t get full credit but no, I have nothing inside me that cares either way right now. I know that in a day, a week or even a month I will be so upset and kicking myself for not doing it but right now I am numb to everything and everyone. It’s almost as if I have writers block, but its a critical analysis on a novel so it’s not like I have to write based off of nothing. I have all I need in my notes and research to write a great paper but it’s almost like I’m scared to do it. I’ve written plenty of these papers, I know the formula to write one well and yet, I can’t do it. The paper isn’t the only thing I’m lacking motivation on either. I have been eating clean and working out 3-4 days a week for a year and a half and about 2 weeks ago I just stopped doing both. For absolutely no reason! I am going to Lollapalooza in July with my best friend and everyday I tell myself I have to start eating right and exercising so I will be able to fit into my festival clothes and be able to hula hoop without running out of breath but I can’t seem to get up and do it. It’s like I’m scared of all of this, too. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that I’ve put everything off for so long that I wont be able to do any of it anymore? Because if so, that’s kind of a ridiculous reason because it’s only been a couple of weeks. I can’t just forget how to write an essay, hula hoop and eat right in a couple of weeks. Not possible. Then what am I really scared of? Failing at all of the above. All of those things mean a lot to me, my happiness and my sanity. And I know that they all seem like small and trivial things to worry about failing at but without those things in my life I’m afraid of losing all control of everything and having to start over. So the answer should be simple right? DO THE PAPER! GO TO THE PARK AND RUN AND HOOP! GO TO KROGER AND GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKIN’ FRUIT! Getting up and doing it is the hard part, even if I know the outcome is me being happy. So, what do you do when you can’t figure it out?

Who gets treated as an adult when it comes to alcohol consumption? Who gets treated as an adult when it comes to making "adult decisions"? Who THEN gets treated as a child when it comes to voicing the concern about the mental health of another adult in the politest way possible? Answer: this...adult? This child? Who knows, but the answer is me! Yaaaaay

I’m human. Even if I know in my heart how fortunate I am for all the things that I have, I can’t help longing for more. I always wonder how those girls with the perfect bodies, faces, friends, personalities, and lives could ever wish for more. But they’re human too, and I guess it’s in our nature to see imperfections over what others would see as the complete opposite. I wonder if anyone sees me as someone who has the ideal life, just like I look at all those other girls at my school. I find the idea laughable and yet, I still wonder, Could I be someone who someone looks up to and aspires to be?

I don't have any idea on wha it's about other than giving students (seniors hence the name) rewards for different academic achievements. These range from scholarships to reward level above "best penmanship/perfect attendance" or group (I think sports???! awards). The thing is though- you have to be at school in order to receive your aware. This doesn't sit well with me because of my excruciating back pain (specifically around the L1-L5 area for you anatomy students- lower back if I'm right anyway). The pain was to to the point where I would have had to stay out of school in order to avoid pain for 44 minutes of sitting in paralyzing hell. I would have been taken to a specialist had I not remembered the attendance rule. I understand completely for the need for attendance to receive am award- but it doesn't sit well with me because of the nature of why I feel I can't stay in school. It's affecting my ability to function inside of school- for an award that I still don't know the title of. Just because I am in damn near paralyzing pain (I don't know how else to describe it because that IS the feeling at most basic terms) I can't participate in something that has the potential to make my college application the cherry to my four year career? Something I didn't know I was unaware of until a month ago? I am more than pissed. I have to go to school trough agonizing pain, for the potential 8 hours later to receive an award that might not even mean ANYTHING other than "I didn't fuck up too hard in high school"? With the amount of pain I'm in- I'm not sure that the award is worth it. I didn't know about it until recently, and I don't think I have much of an argument to stay out of school and still has the "pleasure" of receiving an award. If you have had any similar experiences please share. Advice welcome.