#long post_

Who cooks:

Hunter. Hunter has always had to learn all the basics to be able to get around life on his own. He does not depend on people and he hates having to, so cooking is a part of it. He also enjoys it secretly because the kitchen is like a small realm he can reign over and command, and things get done exactly how he wants them to - because he has a good hand for it, so it’s relaxing for him. Plus he likes knowing exactly what he’s eating and what’s in it, because he’s a control freak.

Sebastian has very little notion of how a kitchen works. He likes to eat the food not see how it gets done. He likes it when it’s ready and into his belly, thank you very much. In time, though, he’s forced to learn a thing or two from Hunter, because Hunter is not always in the mood to cook, or not always around the house, and because he’ll certainly not wake up at 3 am to make him waffles, and so, Sebastian gets extremely proud of even his smallest achievements. He pretends it’s no big deal, and Hunter doesn’t point it out, but he smiles and eats it all to make him happy.

Who does the laundry and other chores:

Hunter does the laundry, because although Seb might learn not to screw it up, he has zero patience to do it the way Hunter likes it: everything folded a certain way and in a certain order. However, Sebastian might learn to enjoy to do cleaning, because he’d be sweeping around with his headphones on, and could be when he comes up with a lot of his dance routines, as he goes around the house sliding in his socks. Things might not turn out Hunter level perfect, but good enough. Hunter also takes Clarence with him to the bedroom, in such occasions, because he’s learned that leaving his cat in Sebastian’s way, whilst he’s cleaning, is not wise. Hunter also washes the dishes most of the times, and takes the trash out.

How many children do they have:

One. They have enough trouble figuring out how to raise one child. Plus, they are pretty content with giving all of their time to one kid, instead of pulling their hair out trying to take care of more than that. They both like perfection and dedication, and wouldn’t forgive themselves for doing a half assed job with their kids, like what their parents did to them. That would be the most important person in their lives. Not to mention, they need some time for themselves separately and together in order to keep peace inside the house and stay sane.

Who’s more dominant:

Hunter. Sebastian might play around sometimes, but he’s more coy about it, even when he’s taking control over. It’s more about sexy and controlling the pleasure, and the way he likes to torture Hunter for his right to orgasm. Hunter is a lot more intense about these things. With him it has more to do with the act of domination itself, rather than with sexual activities per se. He can enjoy when Sebastian takes over, it’s very nice to be able to just let go and know that Sebastian will catch him, and he doesn’t have to keep his walls up. However, he feels completely in place when he’s dominating, and takes his head into a space where all his doubts are non-existing and it’s a feeling that can’t be replaced. Sebastian can’t complain either, because when Hunter is in that mood, he’s so fucking hot, and Sebastian can be more submissive than he usually is in life in general, and trust it - so it feels nice as well. He’s always fighting everyone and everything because he’s stubborn and rarely ever trusts people’s intentions, so it’s nice to let go with the one person he learns to put trust in.

Now, if we’re talking outside the bedroom, they are both stupid thick-heads and will push to get what they want, in the way they want it. They have learned after fighting over the most stupid things when to back down a little, and compromise. Hunter can see when Sebastian won’t back down and when it’s not really about the thing that he’s pushing for, and more that something else happened, so lets him do it the way he wants to keep his peace of mind. Sebastian also knows when Hunter just needs something to go his way, as stupid as the thing can seem to him, like what movie they are going to watch, or what is the exact volume he wants the tv to be on, because everything else is a mess, so he tones down and goes along with it. It’s his nature most of the time, to be chill, so despite Hunter driving him crazy more easily than anyone else, it’s also easier for him to let things go.

Favorite nonsexual activity:

Hmm. I think they have a lot of things in common, and would enjoy doing a lot of them together. I think that their favorite thing to do would be to try new things together. Go skydiving, go to that new paintball place, try a new restaurant out, take a trip to that park Hunter keeps talking about, go out at a random night to that crazy nightclub Sebastian heard about, go sing in that bar that has night competitions because why not? they could use the free booze price, go visit houses pretending they’re just curious, but knowing they actually want to move into one, together, one day, even if they don’t talk about it, because they were both raised in big houses, try diving, try surfing, go eat in that new little place Sebastian saw on his way to work… Etc. I think they’d try a new thing at least once a week, and it wouldn’t be the same if they weren’t together, it’s fun because they are together, and it creates their favorite memories.

Their favorite place to be together:

Bed. I know, I know. But really, they spend so much time out, at work, or doing things, or socializing, because they can be both very social people, or on trips, or eating out, or just walking around, that it’s pretty amazing to just be in bed all day in their underwear. Whether that be fucking or not, just reading books, or the news, or eating treats that were grabbed by the loser of rock-paper-scissors that morning. It’s their favorite place to be together because when they’re in bed they don’t have to share each other with a single other person, or worry about anyone else. 

Of course they eventually need to get up and do other things, but it’s a quiet moment they don’t get a lot, and they appreciate every minute of it. Those are also the days they usually have very lazy fucking, and lose count of how many times, because between their third shower, and that lame ass movie they laughed their asses off watching, and their fourth fuck of the day, it doesn’t really matter. I also reckon that once they have children, their bed is the only place they are truly alone, and they need those moments, as much as they love their kid to death.

Any traditions:

Christmas. They always decorate the place together, and even if they go to some kind of celebration or get-together the night prior, they always spend the Christmas day together, and they always surprise each other with their gift, that can never be given before Christmas day. They also have finally agreed that Sunday mornings are for staying in, so Hunter cuts his work out plan short for just a jog and wakes Sebastian up when he gets back to bed after his shower, so they can spend it together. I’m also pretty sure they have some kind of game they always play together. Not sure if it’d be video game, board game, or cards, or pool, but they keep tabs on it, on a board on their living room wall and write little notes besides each game result exulting themselves or calling the other a cheater, or whatever it is.

Their “song”:

Not sure they have a specific one. I’m pretty sure both of them would find that extremely cheesy. They do however sing for each other, or together, now and then. But it’s normally more about having fun or in a sexual like situation than anything else. I think Hunter would be the one to sing him a real “serenade” song instead of just something silly. I have a gazillion songs for them. So it’d be hard to list the best one. But the first one that came to my mind for some reason was Find Yourself from Brad Paisley, because they are both in their low places when they meet each other, or pretty “lost in life” and meeting each other changes everything, no matter the AU setting.

What they do for each other on holidays:

They don’t care much about holidays aside from Christmas. And even Christmas is not in a religious way as much as it is a way to keep a tradition and a sense of home, when they both have their bumps on the road with their families and this is a way to keep something sacred between them. And, later, it is a day when no matter what issues they might have, they put it aside for Christmas’s day with their child. I think that in other times they just have a good time. Go out in New Year’s and drink and fuck a lot, and alternate between their families on thanksgiving, or if they don’t, they just stay home and cook and eat together, or go somewhere warm and spend their day in the pool or something of the like.

Where did they go for their honeymoon:

Somewhere where there’s a beach in a huge ass fancy hotel. Sebastian loves summer, and Hunter really likes being able to be in shorts and swim trunks and tank tops 99% of the times instead of in suits or uniforms so he has no complaints. I think they’d choose somewhere foreign so they could really feel completely free and explore new things, which they enjoy. They did it all, a whole day drinking by the pool, sneaky make outs by the sauna, and walks by the beach to “explore” though it was just an excuse for them to talk and enjoy each other. In their honeymoon, they had absolutely no timing or schedules, they did whatever they wanted, when they wanted, and Sebastian even managed to have Hunter oversleep every day, so he would be rested when back home. They also clearly pranked each other a lot. Not to mention they often skipped meals to stay in and nap or have a whole day in bed, which happened specially the day after, which meant they just started to get to know the place a day after they arrived. There was also a lot of dancing.

Where did they first meet:

I always like the canon first meet before any other else, so Dalton.

Any pets:

Clarence, duh. Though I like to think Hunter would choose some more traditional name meant for people which Sebastian would tease him to death for. I think they would try having other pets along the way, and Seb would definitely want a big dog, but they might give up eventually, specially after Sebastian bonds with the cat, and doesn’t really have the time for any other pets.

What do they fight over:

Pffff. A lot. Who forgot to pay the bills. Whose is the time to wash the dishes. Why is Sebastian’s towel always on the bed. Why must Hunter control every single little freaking thing in their life…. I mean, do I need to go on? I think they rarely fight over jealousy. They sprinkle their jealousy anger into other stupid arguments and angry sex. Both of them know quite well when the other is jealous. If they have a real fight, it usually leads to one of them leaving the apartment for a day, and to very apologetic make up sex.

Do they go on vacations, if so where:

this has been in my head for a while now, so i decided i wanted to make this post. 

all of this last year, but specially these last days, i have been slowly learning about all of the different specific ways in which i suffered childhood abuse and neglect, and all of the many, many ways it screwed up my life, my sense of self, and my self image. and how it caused me quite a few very real impairments, that then were only exacerbated when they were blamed back on me, and i was made to believe i somehow didn’t do my best on purpose, because i was a bad child, and a bad person. 

it took me 26 years to even start to believe that what had been done to me was, in fact, abuse, and not something i just deserved because something was wrong with me. you know what gave me that first spark of wanting to maybe believe it, even a little while before i started on therapy, and that gave me strength, and helped me understand what i was learning through it? jace herondale. 

jace helped me understand, handle, and accept, all the many subtle ways in which i was neglected, manipulated, abused and plain expected to be an adult before i had any conditions to be one. jace helped me deal with understanding how hard it is to accept what’s happened when it’s done to you by people you love, and that in their way, love you back, and how it is to accept that you BOTH hate and love them. and jace made start to think about the way he saw himself, and the way the fandom saw him, and how he was anything BUT what he thought he was, and how angry it made me that he, and so many others in his and our real life, would think he was indeed bad, broken, and unfixable. and the angrier i felt, the more a little, very little, thought, started to occur to me, that if i was so willing to fight for him, and to see how good he truly was, why wasn’t i willing to even give myself the benefit of the doubt? 

jace has been with me through this journey, and through a flurry of pain, confusion, and trying to come to terms with the fact that i’d spent my whole life blaming myself for what had been done to me, so fiercely, that when someone finally pointed it out to me four years ago, i didn’t believe them. but i believed jace’s journey, and i believed in him. because it’s ONE thing to have someone point that out to you, that you think can’t possibly know what your life really is like, and it’s another to see it written down in words that finally make sense of those loose puzzle pieces in your head, and resonate with you so much, you can no longer deny them.

and the sole reason i am making this post, and writing all of this down, is to ask you, beg you, to please, please, do not erase jace’s abuse journey from him. 

much like me, i KNOW there are others who this character has helped the same, and others that it might help still, and it’d break my heart if someone’s so tenuous willingness to start to believe in themselves, and on what was done to them, was snuffed out, because they were made to feel that they were relating to a character that had never actually been through all of those things at all, and it was all just in their heads. don’t. i know it might feel like text interpretation to you, and like it doesn’t really matter, but trust me, it does. jace herondale matters for many reasons, but ALSO, for this one. he mattered to me, and i just KNOW he can help so many others yet, if they just get a chance to let him. 

trust me, there is more than enough lack of validation in most of the lives of people that have had similar stories to mine, and when you erase that part of him, you might just be making someone doubt that little spark, and take away their hope that they are NOT unfixable, and that they are not to BLAME, and that they are not destined to live their lives this way. that it CAN get better. 

[1]  [2]  [3]  [4]  [5]  [6]

‘Never had one. But I believe it’s called a dry spell.”

‘EXCUSE YOU. You’d be winning majorly by kissing me. I’m life changing.’ 

“After he asked me to help him propose, never really heard from him again. I guessed that was probably on their prenup or something. “

‘I don’t know. I’d give me a fair chance on my FOURS before you decide that.’ 

“I’ll get you a picture and measurements. I’ll just go make sure he’s past his i’m-a-straight-guy act, first. I’m sure the eggnog took care of it.’ 

‘I’m reformed. Not lobotomized.’

‘My GAME PLAN is that I win, so I win.”

‘Right. I tried that, see. It didn’t work so well for the oven, the pans or ME.”

‘Personally, I learned a long time ago, that there is nothing more freeing than being branded a slut. Any reputation can be used for your own gain. As long as you own it.’

‘Followers are all about bread and circus. And the gist is, they don’t really care about the truth, as long as they’re kept entertained.’

“Three years of my devil child ways was really all he could take. Taking that the last time I was brought home by the POLICE, can’t really blame the man.’

‘Would you rather be called gorgeous fuck face?? Captain sexy is much more PG, in my humble opinion.”

“I’m versed in all of the arts of how to charm someone out of their pants. I’m a natural.’

‘I don’t do well with orders. You’ll find out soon enough. But I can be incredibly compliant, with a little begging.’

‘So THIS is your idea of happily ever after?? When your kids ask you how to end a fight in a relationship, you’re gonna teach them to propose??  Because that’s so healthy.”

“If you fail or succeed, I’ll be amused either way.”

“As long as we’re here, and I haven’t seen one decent cock all night, you might as well dance with me.”

“Trust me. Your dick down my throat is the only thing that could make this party bearable.❞     

‘You have so much to learn, captain sexy, I’m actually sorry for you. No worries, though, I’m a fantastic teacher.”

“Who doesn’t love a man in uniform?’ 

“By the end of the semester I will have the captain title, and your sexuality.”

“You know, I KNEW I smelled public school earlier this morning. For a moment I was actually concerned Dalton might be suffering from an infestation, but now I know it was just you. Hello, Berry. What brings you to the upper class?? “ 

“Illuminate me then, obi-wan, where do you hide YOUR sex toys??’

[ [ text to sebastian ] the only way he could pleasure me was if he lit himself on fire and let me watch.] text | sebastian’s reply: he could be our fireplace. we could have dinner in front of him and drink wine.

‘YES. I do. Berry. I see it every damn day, on the face of every damn Warbler. And it’s because I do that I want to see him. That's ALL I want. So if you just could tell your pasty guard dog friend that. That’d be great.’  ‘I just wanna see him.’ 

"Fucking shit. I think I just saw my dad. You think he can smell the bathroom sex on me??’

“So you fucked up. I’m an expert on fucking up. Trust me. You’ll live.’

‘Are we feeling narcissistic this morning??‘

‘Straight boy cliche, but who doesn’t love a cliche like that on your bed?’

‘I have little interest in the state of your balls, Hummel.”

‘Your beau is late. And we both know in my worst day I only need under ten minutes to milk it from you.’

‘Can’t keep him from finding me hot, sorry, that’s an uncontrollable bodily response.”

“So, who is he? The dicked dick that wants to take my place? So I can see what I’m dealing with here. Can’t have my game slouching if he’s actually fuckable.’

‘With you on the team, plus Hunter and I, we’re gonna have the entire audience dropping their pants before we even sing a single note.’

’While I’m usually ALL for hooking up and moving on, pretending I don’t exist is a tad extreme, don’t you think?’

‘From experience, one does not easily forgets multiple orgasms.’

“Try buying my father a Christmas gift. Doesn’t help that he caught me, his bourbon, and the hot chauffeur having a little three-way the other day.’

“I might have acted badly before, and I might have wished for you to explode in a dash of sequin and glitter a couple times, but I didn’t actually wanted you to have your life wrecked.”

“The only sparks between you and me, are the ones coming from the friction of that dry stick up your ass.”

As the new year approaches, there are a couple of things I’m hoping for. 

I hope that come next year we can all remind ourselves that there are no robots behind the screens. That people deserve consideration even when it’s hard for us to give it to them. That the unfollow button is ALWAYS a better choice than sending someone you don’t actually know, hate. That the things we do and say here have just as real consequences as what we do in our daily lives. I hope we finally end the notion that someone disagreeing with you, or living their lives in a way you dislike, is grounds for you to threaten their lives or wish their death. I hope we can go back to a little bit of the good in the past and remember that common sense, respect and i don’t like what you like and that’s okay, are things to uphold and work on every day. I hope that we can remember that no one is here for our pleasure and satisfaction. None of us are machines producing content under a thousand regulations and in a time schedule that must be satisfactory. I hope we can all remember that someone not being able to do something for us is not a measure of love. It is OKAY to love someone and disagree with them, it is also OKAY to not  want to be around them, it is NOT okay to mock, hate, gossip, or make their online lives hell over it.

We’re all people coming together to share our love of writing and of characters we’ve discovered that make our lives a little more magical, let’s act like it. Let’s remember that the one person who comes out of a hate storm with most to loose is the one who starts it. It takes effort, energy, and a bite out of our hearts to spread hate around and it’ll never make you feel better. Let’s remember we are not little children anymore, hurting others because we are afraid they might shine brighter than us, or because we are hurt inside and don’t know any other way to handle it, other than making other people hurt too. We’re adults. Let’s act like it. 

No one here is our possession, and no one here is indebted to us in any way. Let’s practice the acceptance we preach. Let’s try and focus on what we love, why we love it, and remember all the good times we’ve had with each other. How many lives were saved because someone shared a bit of love when someone else needed it, this year. How many times we’ve laughed, how many amazing universes we’ve built, how many of us  have written but entire books together, and still feel inspired to write with each other. 

For once, I want to be thankful. I am thankful for this year as crappy as it has been, because being one of the hardest years in my life is what it took to save it. I am thankful to this fandom, no matter what, for having welcomed me, and for the people in it that have made me feel so special and loved and reminded me what it is like to be proud of my own work. I am thankful to the friends I’ve made, every single one of you, no matter how often we talk, or rp together, I am thankful that I have met such kind, loving, talented, bright, amazing people this year. I am thankful that I haven’t felt like a whirlwind of bad relationships, but instead, had relationships with more maturity and learned to balance the bad with the good and come out stronger on the other end. I am thankful for all the writing I’ve done. I am thankful for my characters, and everything they’ve helped me deal with. I am thankful to having found these books when I most needed them. I am thankful to know so many people I disagree with and to love them and know they love me all the same. I am thankful for acceptance. I am thankful for people who’ve thought I am worth their time following me. I am thankful for the times I was losing it and all of you helped me find my way back. 

Let 2018 be the year where common sense and love over hate come back into this world.

Wherever you are today, I hope you remember I love you and you are special, and that you’ve made it through a year that has been the hardest to many of us, and yet here you are up and kicking and finding ways to feel happiness and love others. Thank you for being here. And here’s to many more years of us finding ourselves!!  ♡

reply 1 (2 months ago): "in a warmth that made him quite clearly shudder in alec’s arms"  reply 2 (last week): "jace shuddered when alec tightened around him, " 

r1:  "was THIS how alec had felt all those times? jace had always lingered in alec’s affection as much as he could, but if THIS was how alec felt, he knew he couldn’t blame him either for the times he lingered too, or for the times he was pushed away hastily. " r2:  " ever since everything had come out into the open, things had got better, which of course, had only made them that much WORSE. because now alec was more open with his affection. because now all those little moments jace stole, were given back to him with the same fierceness as they used to be, "

r1: "❝none of it was your fault, alec…’ he murmured gently, a roughness to his throat at thinking alec could possibly blame himself for that. "  r2: "he frowned, the words confusing him but he held alec tight, not wavering, not giving him any reason to think he wasn’t welcome in jace’s arms. “there’s nothing to be sorry for.” 

r1: " as alec’s fingers reached his hair, jace finished undoing in his arms, and for once, allowed himself to do what he wanted to. he leaned in until his face was pressing against the side of alec’s throat and quite clearly nuzzled against the skin there, as he drank from alec’s scent like he’d been affection starved for weeks."  r2:  "he sagged against alec in pleasure rush of relief and love, making him feel slightly drunk as he smelled alec in deeply and felt his lungs tighten. " (...) "he buried his face on alec’s clothes, just short of pressing against the bare skin of his neck, "

r1: " ‘this world and the next.’ he murmured, softly, heavy with meaning. ‘i will never leave you again, alec. i swear on the angel.’" r2: "  “i need you, alec…” he confessed. softly. a please don’t, implied. don’t leave me alec. “you have to swear to me never to do something that stupid again. if i hadn’t got back in time-” 

r1: "he stirred when alec confirmed he knew, feeling so comfortable he never wanted to pull away "  r2: " the i know made him smile softly, relaxing his frayed nerves more than anything else would have. " 

                                      how do i respond? i think that as long as you’re not sending hate to other people or considering other people bad for disagreeing with you, you are completely entitled to feel the way you feel about anything. you just gotta keep in mind other people might have different opinions and that’s okay!

if you want to know what my arguments are for the way i feel? i just, personally, don’t think that jace sees alec as a brother first, because to me, first of all, he sees alec as his best friend, and as his parabatai, and anything else comes later. which is different from how he feels about isabelle, or max, for example, talking about canon storyline (specially max). and it’s logical that it’s different since alec is canon-wise his soulmate, they literally are considered halves of the same person, so whatever he feels about alec is always going to be different from anyone else.

i guess someone is also allowed to feel like they belong with a group of people without having familial feelings for every member of that family? i know a lot of people for example, that never felt like they belonged with their own family, but that feel part of their partner’s family. if they identify their husbands/wives’ parents as their own, does it mean they see their husband/wife as a brother or sister? if you feel so close to your brother/sister-in-law that you consider them more your sibling than your own blood ones, because of kindred spirits and love, does that mean you see your partner as your brother or sister? i don’t personally see one thing as irrevocably tied to the other.

if you want to know about legal matters this is how i see it from what i interpret from strict book!canon as in every legal reason for why, legally jace is not, never has been, or will be alec’s brother/foster brother, transferring it to a mundane lingo.

not to say in the book, jace, from his own pov, didn’t even FEEL like a son to maryse or robert, until he was 16 years old, despite how much he loved them, he didn’t think they felt that way about him in return, so he did consider himself like a brother to izzy or max, and alec’s best friend, but never considered maryse his mom until she stood up for him and made her feelings for him clear for the first time, when she defended him from imogen, but still, legally, couldn’t actually keep him from her. so as you can see, it’s unlikely he was treated just like one of the other kids, and not like robert’s parabatai’s son (it’s possible he just didn’t see it because of his hard time accepting love, of course, but i don’t personally think that’s the case, i think maryse only let herself show how much she loved him after she almost lost him). 

for my characterization, and the way i’ve built jace’s sexuality, and taking into account his abusive childhood, i do believe that jace felt SOMETHING for alec, in return, from the moment they’d met, but, at first he didn’t even have how to recognize that, and later feeling attraction to girls meant to him that his feelings for alec were obviously platonic and nothing else. which honestly was a RELIEF to him, because alec was the best thing that he had ever had in his life, and the purest (as in good) thing he had ever dared to touch, and he couldn’t bear the thought of destroying him — the love he did feel for alec already being enough to be scary, without him considering it non-platonic. jace is a boy that met the love of his life at 16 and never again fell in love for someone else, so if he HAD had feelings for the same sex before, or could have had after, how could he possibly know? in the archaic, close-minded, way he was raised, first by valentine (who controlled every single bit of information he ever got access to), and then by the lightwoods and hodge who taught him further in the views of the clave, do the words or the notion of anything that isn’t straight or gay (a.k.a. right or wrong), like bisexuality or any other kind, even exist? i know they didn’t for me, growing up, i can only imagine how foreign a concept that’d be for jace. so he had no means how, and no reason for why, to question his feelings for alec. so we’ll never know how he really felt, if it was something more or not, and likely neither will him, since once he meets clary, he falls head over heels for her and never looks back.

as for alec, to him jace was never his brother, he was from the very moment they met, his very first boyish crush, and as they grew up, the first person he ever fell in love with. alec was smitten and blown away by jace from the moment they laid eyes on each other. he didn’t have time to build other feelings first. after he falls in love with magnus, he also slowly starts to see jace as his best friend, parabatai and soulmate, first. that’s always how it’s gonna be for them, in my interpretation, because them being soulmates is way more important than even any familial connections they can have.

so does jace feel like he belongs with the lightwoods? definitely. does ALEC thinks he belongs with them? for damn sure. does jace grow (as a young adult) to consider maryse his mother? yes. does he consider robert his father? no. that will, for better or worse, always be valentine’s spot. does he feels like a brother to izzy and max? definitely. does he thinks alec is his big brother? nope. alec’s his soulmate, his brother-in-arms. can they grow to feel that way in the future after they both have met the second loves of their lives? sure! but the parabatai status will always be more important, always.

another thing i want to point out that really makes this very simple: jace will never stop feeling about valentine as his father, in fact, he feels him to be more his father than clary ever will, does that mean jace considers clary his sister? hell no (and may raziel save us from these dark days). it’s the same thing, anon. because like it or not, despite everything, jace does love valentine like a father, he always did, but it doesn’t make his love for clary a familial one, never did, even when they did think they were siblings. so if it works that way for jace about clary, why would it be different with alec?

                    you love me, real or not real?                                                                                                                                 R E A L

jace, alec

"you're alive, real or not real?"

"real"

 "i'm a real person, real or not real?"

"real," he says, squeezing tight jace's hand, "i feel you"

shaky breath, small nod "real like jonathan?"

eyebrows furrowed, tight jaw "don't do that to yourself"

tightens jaw "sometimes i don't feel anything"

angry look on his face "feel me, jace"

looks up, eyebrows drawn "you still need me, real?"

squeezes his hand tightly "even if you weren't my parabatai"

leans into him and closes his eyes with a sigh "i still loved him, alec. and i thought... despite everything i thought maybe he had loved me too."

holding tightly "you can love someone without liking them, he was your father, jace"

"he's a monster alec..." presses wet cheeks on his shoulder to hide them, squeezes eyes angrily. "doesn't it take one to recognize and love the other?"

cradles his head, helps him hide his face "you will never be him"

shuddery breath, turns completely towards alec and curls one hand on his clothes at his waist "you don't know that..." pause "i thought he loved me."

you're breaking his heart, he's not letting you go "he tried to teach you love when he didn't understand it himself, you were a kid and he broke you"

twist of eyebrows, lost look bewteen their bodies. "maybe i can't be fixed."

fingers along his jaw, tracing "you've been fixing yourself for years"

chuckles, soflty, but sighs and leans into the touch "you've been fixing me for years."

relaxes a little when he hears you laugh "i need you - and you don't even realize it"

pause "your life would be a lot easier without me in it, alec." why?

knows  jace won't believe him "i don't want a life without you in it"

frowns and squeezes alec's shirt in his hands tightly "i don't want to be without you, either, alec. i just-" sighs "i love you, parabatai."

will tell him that every day if he has to "you just what?" pulls the hand that's gripping his shirt up and kisses it.

"alec..." bites his lip, eyes following the gesture. moves his fingers to trace his face.

lips still pressed against his hand "yes?"

shakes his head, but leans in and pulls alec into a hug. he didn't deserve him. but he couldn't let him go either.

chin on his shoulder, hugging back, small smile "i'll find out eventually, always do"

small groan. "smartass." but he holds him tighter, pressing lips tight on his shoulder.

"means you should tell me what's bugging you" melts from the kiss

"or means i should find another parabatai." voice rough and warm.

"and i'm the smartass??" don't make dumb jokes jab in his side

yelp. "you hurt me alec. and here i thought i was so important..." offended tone.

the most giant eyeroll in the history of eyeroll  leans down, lifts jace's shirt, places a kiss where he jabbed "i'm not saying sorry"

chuckles. "so easily persuaded. it's okay. i forgive you alec."

"i'm not easy"

wide smile. "of course not." goes quiet before speaking softly. "you still love me, real?"

you have an annoying cute smile - pauses "real" sad look on his face, leans in, grabs jace's face and kisses him hard" "real*"

surprised gasped breath, widens eyes then they fall closed as he presses his lips back to alec, one hand curling on the hair at his nape, he nods weakly, out of breath.

tongue slipping into his mouth, slow deep kisses until he stops and then presses his lips against jace's cheek "love you - real or real?"

murmurs alec's name softly into his mouth, head spinning as he allows the kiss, and takes alec's tongue in, left chasing as he pulls away, eyelids heavy against his cheeks as he presses into alec, heart stumbling at his words. "real." sighs.

soft smile, soft kiss "and now - i love you - real or real?" hand on his arm, squeezing, he's here

deeper breath, opens eyes into alec's, pushing forward until their foreheads meet and noses press together, presses a tight kiss to his lips, holding there until he can feel alec's warmth seeping through his body, and he relaxes down. "real."

melting into him, eyes shut, feeling jace there, little shiver "you pass"

pulls back and holds his face, tracing his jaw with his thumb "i love you, alec."

slight nod of his head, leaning it into one of jace's hands "real"

slow growing smile, leans in and nods against his cheek, nuzzling into it. "real."