#erosbuilt

old memes

                                     Jace’s heart slowed down as time seemed to slow down with it, and everything paused, the words of whatever joke he’d been in the middle of dying on his lips as he looked up at Alec, bewildered.

He had thought about it, of course. Several times, since Alec had been back in his life. At first he hadn’t given it much attention, because he’d thought Alec was straight, and because he’d been laser focused on getting Alec to fully forgive him, on trying to heal the bond between them, the friendship they used to share. But after he’d found out.. Or rather after Alec had decided to trust him with such a delicate thing as coming out to him, It’d been harder and harder to keep it out of his mind. And yet.

He still hadn’t thought Alec would ever want him in that way, and he’d been actually okay with it. He thought Alec was happy as he was, and that having him in his life even as just as friend was more than anything Jace could had ever hoped for. Even if he still thought about it every time Alec smiled; or when they were alone and Alec laughed at one of his jokes; or when they sat together in set, and Alec’s leg was pressed to his, hip to knee; or when Alec held him; or when he looked at him too long. Despite all that, he had it chalked up to such an impossibility, that it’d become just a thing on the back of his head. So much so, he wasn’t even sure,now, that he wasn’t dreaming.

He tried to find the words to answer, but his tongue felt tied. For the first time in his life he was speechless. No, not for the first time, the first time had been when Alec had first hugged him when they were five, and Jace felt muted and overwhelmed by more affection than he’d ever had before, even with two loving parents. There was just something about Alec. Something that from the first moment Jace had laid eyes on him, and smiled, and took his hand, and taken him to his room to play, that told him this was it. That made him breathe in, and know this was the person he was meant to be with for the rest of his life. That the lack of space between their palms was where he fit. And nearly twenty years later, he felt exactly like he had then. 

So instead of saying anything at all, as everything felt inadequate, he looked at Alec with his soul open, and he nodded. 

And when Alec leaned down, after holding his face for almost two full minutes, when their lips finally met, Jace knew it again, this was where he fit, and he’d never feel adrift again.

Soft Intimacy Meme

                                              “You here to tell me I’m allowed out?” Even as Jace asked, he saw the look on Alec’s eyes and he knew he truth. He sighed and slumped back against the bed. Hodge had been adamant, but more than that, so had Maryse last night, after she got back to the Institute. Jace was not to leave the bed until they had both cleared him to do so. The reason were the bandages around his torso, that extended all the way up to his shoulder, and down his right hand. Underneath it, were extensive wounds caused by their latest impromptu hunt, one that hadn’t exactly been approved by their tutor beforehand, but, rather, happened because Jace had been crawling out of his skin with nervous energy and in need of a good fight. “Can’t unground you yet.” 

“What have you got there?” He asked as he saw Alec approach, and noticed the book in his hand, not resenting his words. He tried to smile, one corner of his lips curling up, not much of one, but it seemed good enough as Alec came closer smiling back, shyly, and sat by him. Jace sat up in automatic motion, and started tugging at Alec’s boots, getting them off and dropping them to the floor with nonchalance, so they were off the bed, as Alec messed with the book. 

When he was finished, he settled back on the headboard, and naturally did so, so that his shoulder pressed up against Alec’s, as did his body all the way to their feet. He spied at the book over Alec’s shoulder, and Alec cleared his throat. As he started to read, Jace settled down, and for the first time since the hunt, allowed his body to feel it, the pain of the injuries, the weariness, but also the vulnerability and the relief. Relief that Alec and Izzy, but mostly Alec, had been there to have his back when he’d needed them to. Relief that Alec and Izzy were also safe, despite his stupid mistake. He closed his eyes, after a moment, and Alec’s voice started seeping into him. 

He didn’t know when the images Alec was painting for him, of battle, glory, and bravery, became softer, dressed in golden light, rumbled through with the vibration of Alec’s voice. Or when his head met Alec’s shoulder. All he knew was he could feel Alec’s heartbeat mingle with his own, and something inside him hoped the book was endless, and he could stay like that for the rest of his life. His nose pressed onto Alec’s soft, worn down, tee shirt, and an absent minded murmur of Alec’s name left his lips, before he fell asleep.

this is me

↪  Verse “Don’t You Dream Impossible Things?”

Alec Lightwood for Expression Magazine, May 2018′s Special Edition