#long post!!!!

grenade: intellectualization (excessively analytical and abstract thought patterns used to block out conflicting or disturbing feelings); this is a level 3 defense mechanism known as neurotic which are common in adults and have good short-term effects for coping but bad long-term effects. neurotic is an adjective for anxiety-related conditions. grenade is the type of person to rationalize. theyll be taking a test and add little side notes on why they chose that answer for reasons namely 1. they dont want to be seen as stupid, 2. if they dont know the answer they will make an educated guess by dumping all of the information they have on the question. on the other hand they have a tendency to always think for the worst and over exaggerate hypothetical negative events, apparently this is called “apprehension”/anticipatory anxiety (NOT a defense mechanism just something i found) which is correlated to panic attacks which an anon here once suggested they have. in PDM-2 classification (i didnt even know until now) they would be impulsivity for obvious reasons

rapier: isolation of affect (detachment of emotion from an idea making it “flat.” frequently observed with those who have OCD or non-disordered people with trauma.); i originally wanted to give rapier suppression (conscious decision to delay attention to a thought or emotion to cope with present reality) but that is a mature defense mechanism and while i do think rapier is mature in the general sense i think he is more neurotic even if he doesnt show it. hes a “scaredy cat”, i would assume mentions of assassinations are somewhat of a trigger for him, hes also said a lot of questionable things in the gpo blog that i would probably compile…probably. then i searched neurotic defense mechanisms and found isolation of affect, which i dont really understand, but i think it works. we know that he confronted his father with briefcase, and that he can talk about his father without getting immediately uncomfortable. also i just think he fits the criteria of a “non disordered person with trauma” (unless he has ASD but thats a whole other thing and also up for desklamper to decide) also repression for his cat instincts obviously (“attempting to repel desire towards pleasurable instincts by moving them into the unconscious”) (“i try to resist my feline urges” -literally rapier himself)

passive-aggressive behavior (indirect expression of hostility): i think almost anyone can be here because passive aggressiveness is just that common but probably purse since she talks about D.C. behind his back and sort of uses “sweet” words as a decoy. prism and R also give me passive aggressive vibes but that could just be me. prism because hes critical. now that i think about it i think R could also act out sometimes

splitting: also called “black-and-white” thinking, dichotomous thinking, “all or nothing thinking” and something else im too lazy to guess is a level 2 defense mechanism which means uhh probably psychotic? it means immature. itd have to be someone whos childish and socially undesirable—like sharpie. hes loud, childish, passionate and everyone at the library hates him. he has his calm moments but most are bursts of anger or excitement. im not saying that he has trouble bringing the dichotomy of perceives negative qualities and positive qualities together but thats exactly what im saying. i wish i could attribute another one to him but i think thats about it.

lavender: i thought maybe isolation of affect because of trauma but i dont think that works because if she did practice this defense mechanism it doesnt work well enough to work much less be her primary mechanism (what im saying is that she can still very vividly feel her trauma from the depraved mushroom. she probably thinks about it very often and clearly has not healed enough to isolate the affect (emotion) of the trauma. that being said, then, i think she would be sublimation (channeling unhealthy or unwanted thought patterns into healthy actions). she stress bakes and i think thats great because its an effective way for her to transform that stress into something she enjoys and something thats is healthy! this is a level 4/mature defense mechanism which is very befitting for a therapist!

chinese house flowers

flight 717: going to denmark

going to scotland

alpha incipiens

john darnielle introducing jenny, 09/27/2003 source @tmgbanter​

riches and wonders

the recognition scene

see america right

international small arms traffic blues

we shall all be healed linear notes, the annotated mountain goats 

tallahassee linear notes, the annotated mountain goats

all hail west texas linear notes, the annotated mountain goats

all eternals deck linear notes, the annotated mountain goats

For the Love of the Feline Fur

There’s a knock, and Sam looks at the door with great concern. It’s past dinner, and he definitely isn’t expecting anyone. He doesn’t have a roommate - perks of having the scrawniest room on the campus, Dean says - and his friends are all supposed to have gone out tonight; some farewell party thrown by a graduating senior, that is, exactly the kind of university-wide affair Sam doesn’t want to spend his evenings at. Sure, the Lucifer guy did invite him, but he’d had to excuse himself. It couldn’t be Kevin, either - he’s pretty sure he wasn’t back from Oregon yet. A fleeting thought claimed it might even be Dean - but the probability was a quarter in a million. Ever since Dean landed the job at the salvage yard, he’s hardly gotten out of Kansas - or so, he says. Sam can totally tell it’s got way more to do with the blue-eyed prudish dude Dean didn’t want to explain from his laptop’s screensaver. 

The thought that follows, is edged with the lingering fear of an inspection. In all his months here, it’s never happened, but every freshman has a fair bit of uneasiness, associated with the surprise checking of their rooms, as instilled by their seniors, like it’s a tradition. And obviously Sam’s inclined to be more terrified of such a possibility than others, now that he’s basically living on the other side of the law. 

In his own head, the situation worsens, his hope dwindling - fuck, what if word had gotten out, and that was the warden? What will he even -

Whoever it is, knocks again.

Sam grits his teeth, breathing tentatively, and decides he can’t waste any more time - especially if it’s the campus committee or whoever does these so-called checks. He pushes Amelia’s box further under his bed, and prays that she doesn’t wake up - as he goes to open the door with his most innocent look plastered on his face. 

Contrary to all he’s imagined, and all the various turnouts he’s considered - it’s just a guy from somewhere on his floor, that he’s seen around a couple of times in the manner that everyone at a college has seen everyone, but never had a conversation with. He’s short, so he’s looking up at Sam, and has a serious crease in his forehead. Sam can’t tell if it’s sincere, though. He waits for Sam to finish giving him a once-over, as he peeps through a slightly ajar door, before he asks. “Can I come in?”

“Hey.” Sam blinks. “What do you need?”

The guy raises his eyebrows, really noticeably high, till they’ve started to disappear in his blond hair, just as his make-believe frown. He looks at Sam pointedly, as if Sam is supposed to infer something from that bit. 

“Uh.” Sam mutters, confused. “What does that mean?”

“It’s the universal gesture for ‘I know’, Samsquatch.” He frowns, and Sam is taken aback by a lot of things at once. The way he managed to get his eyebrows that far up - and how they’re curving as they come down, to frame his grinning eyes. The fact that he somehow knows his name - or at least enough of it to give him a nickname. And what he said. About knowing.

When in doubt, play dumb. “Okay. Uh. Well, what does that mean?” He crossed his arms across his chest. “What do you know?”

The guy rolls his eyes. “You don't need to keep that act up, okay? Lemme in, and we can talk.” He lowers his voice, because Sam’s giving him a properly weird look. “I’m looking out for you, dumbass. I don't think you want me telling what I know out here in the hallway either.”

Now that makes sense to Sam, so he lets him inside, parallely worried that this stranger might actually know. He does all he can to not pull him in, except he can’t exactly come off as frantic. “Fine. Come in.”

He walks in, with his hands shoved in his wide hoodie pockets, and a Marvel jacket tied around his waist - looking around Sam’s tiny room as he does. It’s almost like he’s looking for something.

Sam never learned to do any better, so he keeps doing his ‘I-have-no-idea-what-you’re-talking-about’ bit. He gestures at the guy to sit, and he immediately chooses the red beanbag which Dean bought Sam as a joke when he started college, but which is also the only place available for guests in his room - and settles down, cross-legged on his ankles. Sam sits on the bed, because they’ve run out of sitting-spaces already. He holds back a sigh, as he feels the warm basket against his heel, as his legs hang off the edge. “Now, what?”

The guy goes for the frown again, and is apparently about to say something before he stops, and goes for an introduction instead. “I’m Gabriel, by the way. I live diagonally across the hall from you.” He grins. “There’s a Freddie Mercury cutout on the door?”

“Cool.” Sam swallows. Yeah, he knows that room. Always thought it was pretty cool, but then he has a very traditional ‘do not enter’ sign on his that he wouldn’t want to part with.

“And please stop looking at me like that.” He requests, going on. “I don't bite people, on first meetings. Unless they’re asking for it. And just to put your heart at peace, I’ve heard that you have a cat.”

“Heard?” Sam revolts. “Who else knows? How many people -”

“Figure of speech. Sorry.” Gabriel apologizes, cutting him off. “I didn’t hear it. And trust thy neighbor, nobody knows.”

“Then, how do you -”

“I was awake when you were smuggling it in.” He shrugs. “It’s regular for me to awake at 3 in the morning, of course -” He pauses, and shoots a sympathetic look at Sam. “But you didn’t know that, did you?”

“Why would I -” Sam started, and stopped himself mid-sentence, getting riled up. “Obviously I didn’t know! I would’ve used the other hallway!” He shrieked. Hell, he’d worked so hard to get her in. He’d bought her just before the store closed, running all the way there from his Economics class ending at 5 - and then left her with Garth, the friendly pharmaceuticals guy he’d convinced the day before, till he could come back to retrieve it. He’d even gone out twice before nightfall to make sure she got used to seeing him, and didn’t make much noise when he finally brought her into the building, disguising her box as a really fluffy pillow. To keep up the act, he’d even bought the only cushions available at Garth’s store - old, pink ones with the AIDS ribbon on them. 

“I have a cousin who’s been bred the same way as me, and he lives on the other side of you.” Gabriel tells him, cutting into his reverie, and Sam can hardly tell if it’s supposed to be a joke. “It’s really rather me than him, though.” Gabriel deadpanned.

“Why?” Sam frowns, flailing on the inside, but trying to keep it together. “You both would just rat me off to the warden.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong, kiddo.” Sam scrunches his nose at that bit, but Gabriel doesn’t seem to care. “Balthazar? He, uh, has a bit of a crush on you. My bet is, he would’ve used that information to blackmail you into going out with him - and his dream chick-flick would end with the both of you co-parenting your cat, and his dog. Who I totally didn’t just tell you about.” Sam’s eyes widen. What does he even say to that? “But me? I’m a simple man, seeking simple pleasures.”

Sam gathers the courage to ask. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m obviously going to let you retain full custody of your cat.” Gabriel declares, solemnly. Three fourths of the time, Sam can’t tell if it’s a joke. “And I’m obviously not going to tell that bitch of a warden.”

Sam relaxes a little. “Thank you.” He says, smally.

“But I do have a small condition.” Gabriel now breaks into a gummy smile with zero warning, and it’s almost blindingly adorable, and Sam is almost unprepared. “I won’t tell anyone - and I mean, anyone - if you let me come over and pet it when I’m feeling stressed.

Sam looks at him in bewilderment. “What?”

“What?” Gabriel argues, folding his arms on his chest stubbornly. The smile is gone. “I explained it fairly well, so you know what I mean.” A little softer, he added. “Are you in?”

It may be a weird choice, but it’s not really a tough choice to make. “I - yeah. You know what? I am.”

“Wow.” Gabriel leans back, and visibly relaxes himself. “I didn’t have to beg.” He laughs, and suddenly it’s very clear that all the seriousness was just an exterior. Sam looks at him, captivated. 

Before he can think of what he’s saying, he’s let out a, “You kidding? I’d thought I’d have to at least plead. And give you something that wasn’t petting rights.”

Gabriel easily winks at him and Sam has to fight off the slight urge to blush before it shows up. “What would you have given me?”

“Peace.” Sam shrugs, sidestepping the innuendo. “Done your assignments for a month, or something. Got someone to do it, maybe. Whatever, dude. I would’ve figured something out in exchange for your valuable silence.”

“I now feel bad for accepting the first offer on the table.” Gabriel has a baleful expression, and Sam can’t help his own smile.

“It was your offer.”

“Yeah, fine.” Gabriel scowls. “I’d take an emotional support cat over no homework anyday.” Then he pauses dramatically, with a look befitting a questioning of one’s entire existence. “Wait, would I?”

“Yep, you would.” Sam tells him, not bothering to question his own conviction, but the smile coming to him way more easily now. It could honestly have gone a lot worse. And if this Gabriel guy truly only wanted to get to spend time with a cat, in return for not telling on him - how bad could he even be? Also, he’d only asked for permission for when he’s stressed - and though Sam doesn’t mistrust the abilities of college to stress a student, that probably, hopefully means that Sam’s not going to have to share a lot of his cat either.

“I probably would, yeah.” Gabriel sighs, and he sounds so deeply moved by the realization, and is sporting such a doleful sadness, Sam is laughing again - already warming up to the guy.

***

Somehow, time flies by with them getting to know each other, and it’s almost midnight when Gabriel is preparing to leave, and says one last time. “It’s been a pleasure dealing with you, Sam.” He drops the serious tone almost immediately. “Also, there goes the literal last time I ever call you by your actual, full name.”

“It’s actually Samuel, and shut up and please call me Sam.” Sam jokes, before adding. “And I suppose you’d want to shake on it now?” Referring to their deal. 

“How did I not think of that?” Gabriel looks positively ashamed of himself. “I’m so proud of you, Samphire. Awesome. Now bring her out!” Sam stares at him in confusion, till he imitates the frankly adorable motion of holding a tiny paw, and Sam laughs, nodding.

“Fine.” He reaches under the bed to pull out Amelia’s box, and she’s not very asleep apparently, because she almost immediately opens an eye when Sam picks her up. It’s a groggy look she spares in his direction, before looking at the new person. Some part of Sam wonders if she’d like Gabriel - and most parts of him are sure that she would. But a small part of him says that if she doesn’t, the deal would be off, and Gabriel would just have to make do with no homework instead.

She’s not very large, and Sam had big hands - so it’s an adorable contrast to Gabriel, who instantly holds out his hands for her. 

Sam feels a beat of hesitation in handing her over, he’d not thought he’d be doing it to anyone - not recently, anyways - but Gabriel has such an expectant, excited look on his face that Sam’s unexplainable walls melt off enough for him to hand her over. “Meet Amelia.”

Gabriel instantly cradles her in his arms, muttering in Sam’s general direction. “Come on, you can do better than that when you’re introducing her.”

Sam rolls his eyes, but holds his hands out for her. “Fine, give her back, I’ll try again.”

Gabriel doesn’t make any moves to give her back. “You need to practise first.” While he focuses all his attention on the small cat he’s holding. Crap, she fits so much better in his arms, she manages to look average-sized. When Gabriel spontaneously meows at her, she purrs back, and Gabriel’s eyes go as wide as saucepans. “Oh my god, she’s perfect.” He whispers, completely sincere, before meowing again; but this time she doesn’t oblige him with an answering purr - probably more asleep than Sam had thought - though she noses slightly against his palm and Gabriel audibly gasps. 

Sam finds himself smiling at the two of them. He clears his throat, and repeats, uncaring of how goofy it sounds. “Gabriel? Meet the lady of my life, Amelia Catheart.”

Gabriel turns his eyes up to Sam’s unpainted ceiling. “Jesus, what a nerd I’ve managed to unearth.”

Sam swats at him. “It’s a clever pun, okay?”

“It’s the most cliched pun to ever exist.” Gabriel swats back. “You call that clever? You would’ve just as soon named her J.R.R. Tolkitten.”

“That’s pretty good.” Sam mumbles, under his breath. “But that’s more like a guy’s name. But hey, before the whole twitter discourse, JK Meowling was on my list.”

“Of course, it was.” Gabriel sighs. “You wanna hear cool cat names, Samwise? I’ll give you some.” Amelia doesn’t make a single movement, probably dozing off again, as he lists off his fingers on his other hand. “Catsanova. Meow. Uh, Fuzzinator. Shakespurr.” He looks incredibly proud of himself.

“Why does Shakespeare get to be on your list?” Sam frowns.

“Hey, hey, hey. Old Bill wrote a lot of gay romance, so he gets a wild card entry.” Gabriel informs him, knowledgeably. “Also, the list goes on. There’s so many wonderful names! There’s even customized ones. Cat-vak. Nocat?” He laughed breathlessly. “Wait, what’s your last name?”

“Winchester.”

Gabriel gasps theatrically, pulling at Sam’s sleeve as the idea comes to him. “Pawschester!”

Sam blinks. “Wow.” He squirms. “We could make that her last name, you know. Amelia Pawschester is awesome.”

“Oh, but it’s too late.” Gabriel smirks, annoyingly.

Sam scowls. “It’s not too late, she’s not gotten used to Catheart, I never call her that - I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if she’s named -”

“Nope.” Gabriel teases. “It’s too late, Sammich. You lost your chance at having your cat’s name match her dad’s. And at having a cat with a cool name. What’s done is done.”

Sam flicks at him, frowning. “Shuddup.”

“The time has gone by,” Gabriel laughs, egging him on. “Alas! Even you know, in the depths of your heart, that it is too late. Don't you wish you met me before? Before your cat lost her chance at -”

“Everything about my cat is perfect, you shut your mouth.” Sam jutted his chin out boyishly, crossing his arms tighter on his chest, and Gabriel throws his head back and laughs.

“Okay, now that I can agree with.” Gabriel loses the edge, and shoots Sam the cheesiest smile ever, making him melt into a mirroring grin, before returning to being fascinated out of his depths by the completely asleep cat in his arms.

***

It’s only been a couple of days, that there’s a knock on Sam’s door at eleven in the night - followed by a voice singing his name, which he recognizes almost immediately. He may have been thinking about it. 

But, safety first, and just to be sure, he decides to put Amelia down in her box. “I’ll be there in a minute!” He calls, urgently, getting up from his seriously comfortable spot on the bed. She mewls softly, but doesn’t do much else to object when Sam mumbles an apology and pushes her box under the door, and goes to the door.

Sure enough, it’s Gabriel. He’s wearing a jumper, which is strange because Sam’s only in a v-neck. But then, most things about this man are strange. Gabriel looks up at him with a wide smile. “So?” He draws out the vowel. “Were you, like, doing your homework completely naked, or just cuddling with your super secret cat?”

Sam gives him a look, one which he hopes manages to convey how much of an inconvenience it was to get up for Gabriel’s sake, as he lets him in with an exaggerated shushing gesture - he doesn’t want word to get out that he has a cat to cuddle with, in the first place. 

***

Almost a week later, after Gabriel’s spent around two hours in his room, talking to Sam about what a crappy day he’s had because of his ridiculous group for a Community project; and talking to Amelia about how she’s really, really soft and how he loves her very much - just before he leaves, he turns to Sam with a playful look in his eyes. 

“Guess what I was thinking of in bed last night.” He starts.

“No offense, but I don't think I want to know.” Sam returns, grinning.

“Oh, wait. You mean, like that? Well, I was absolutely all over Sirius Black.” Gabriel threw back, letting out a dreamy sigh which made Sam snort. “But this is different, you perv. I was thinking about us having a password.”

“How do you mean?” Sam frowns. 

“Like, I’ll knock and say the password, and then instead of you having to get up and put her in her box and wrap up your designated quota of anxiety, you just say the word and I could let myself in.” Gabriel suggests.

“You really did watch too much Harry Potter last night, didn’t you?” Sam teases. But he doesn’t hate the idea. Would save him a lot of effort, really. “And, I don't think I mind us doing that. As long as the code’s only known to us.”

“Obviously.” Gabriel nods.

“So, what will it be?” Sam asks, as Gabriel stands up and hands his cat back to him. Amelia purrs a little - he’d specified needing a quieter cat at the shop, and such a wise decision that’d been - and gets comfortable in his arms, as he cradles her. Fuck, he was never going to get used to this feeling of bliss associated with having a pet who loves you. 

“How about ‘Gabriel and Amelia Forever’?” Gabriel laughs.

“How dare you,” Sam scowls, but doesn’t mean it at all. “It should rather be, ‘Sam and Amelia Forever’.”

Gabriel instantly furrows his brows. “Nope. That makes her sound like your girlfriend - I’m sorry but you’ve got a name that totally sounds like some human-Amelia’s type - and I don't think I like that very much.”

What do you even say to that, so once more, Sam nods. He’s absolutely not turning pink. That would make no sense at all.

“You know what? We’ll decide it later.” Gabriel picks up his stupidly neon jacket, goes to leave. “I’ll text you or something. I think I should get back to my room now. Because someone revoked their offer to do all my stuff for a month.”

“It’s still a fair deal.” Sam counters, as Gabriel waves at Amelia in particular. 

“I know.” Gabriel agrees, emphatically. “You let me pet your cat, and rant to you.” His voice grows thoughtful. “Wait, did I ever thank you for all of it, Sammich?”

He’s so serious that Sam doesn’t know how to reply at all. Words cling to the insides of his mouth. But he clears his throat, and mutters, “You know we don't mind it at all, right?” He turns to Amelia, who just blinks, to reinforce his point. He doesn’t want to go into details, not about how he truly does enjoy every bit of this - and doesn’t want to turn sappy randomly, so pretending your cat sought all your attention all at once is easily the best way to deal. 

Gabriel is quiet for a while, probably contemplative, but Sam only looks at him properly after a moment has passed. “Right. Yeah. Thanks.”

“You don't have to say that -”

“Nah, this is for the part about you not minding it.” Gabriel tells him, and though he says it so simply, it’s wonderfully difficult to comprehend. “Just - I should go, okay. Goodnight, Samwise.”

“It just keeps getting worse.” Sam rolls his eyes. Because it was true. It was almost amusing the first few times, and a few of the names were cheesy enough to earn a smile, but it just kept on growing more and more ridiculous. 

“Goodnight, Amelia Catheart.” He adds, ignoring Sam.

“Sure. Her, you call by name! I might not, but she gets the basic right of being called by her own -” Sam begins.

Gabriel cuts him off with a smile so happy that Sam is temporarily stunned, and definitely thrown off enough for the latter to make his escape. Sam swears under his breath, though he doesn’t really know why he does it - and lets out a breath he doesn’t know he’s been holding.

***

They do decide on a password after all. It’s ‘The Tin Man’, because that’s from the Wizard of Oz, just as munchkins are. And Amelia’s a munchkin, so that worked out.  In fact, Sam is very impressed when Gabriel justifies it to him later - especially by how unobvious it is - and the both of them are very proud of themselves for it.

For a week.

Then, Gabriel says that he thinks Harry from the room next to Sam’s has been looking at him weird - probably because he heard him giggling out ‘Tin Man’ more than once, outside Sam’s door. Sam thinks that makes sense. They decide to reconsider their choice. And this time, go with something that’s easier to justify.

Sam agrees, and they set about thinking again, till Gabriel suggests that the best code is not just one which is unobvious, but one which is completely random. Again, this makes perfect sense to Sam, and he instantly suggests something which Gabriel claims he’ll always be able to justify.

So then, as one does, they start using ‘ramen’.

***

 Amelia hasn’t known many people since she started living with Sam - only Garth, and that one afternoon of Dean. But now, there’s Gabriel, and not only does he adore her - he’s terrific.

After a while, it becomes sufficiently clear that Gabriel doesn’t only come over when he needs to feel better - he comes over, more so because he wants to be with Amelia and her parent. He asks Sam questions about her, and Sam has never enjoyed having a pet so much before - because now, he gets to share these little things with someone. He gets to tell someone, that for some reason, Amelia loves it when he pretends to have gotten hurt, because she’s always prompt in stepping up to meow at his “wounds”. Gabriel corrects Sam when he calls it offering condolences, with a snicker, and a, “Your cat may be a sadist, Samantha.” Sam justifiably swats at him.

He now gets to show someone how Amelia totally dances to November Rain. He gets to think aloud and what he’ll feed her for dinner, and how she’s earned a treat - and all those things that he used to have to keep to himself.

He also gets to have someone to crib to, when one fine morning, Amelia tears through his new textbook in her exploration of her claws probably - but it’s a textbook that costs more than a fortnight of meals, so that’s that. Gabriel, angel that he is, offers to come and take Amelia to his room for the day, because Sam stubbornly claims he doesn’t want to see her right now - but then Sam pleads him to take her away to just another corner of Sam’s room, and Gabriel agrees with a rather understanding nod.

Initially, he used to be a little bit jealous - of how easily Amelia fell in love with Gabriel, but Gabriel and Amelia can have so much fun together, that Sam goes back to his habit of turning on the music unless someone hear her purr - like he used to do, during the first few days of having her. But he’s far from envious now, and happily joins in. Pretending to be the victim, of course.

Gabriel brings her treats too, because he happens to go out for some reason or the other almost everyday, while Sam stays in with his assignments and pet, after their classes. He doesn’t want to leave her alone for any more time than he absolutely has to. So Gabriel brings back cookies, and they smell so good that it’s useless trying to convince her it’s an empty box, so that she could be surprised later.

One of the best parts is when Amelia does something absolutely fascinating randomly, and he doesn’t have to be the only one gushing over it. The other day, she managed to get herself inside Sam’s pencil stand, and kept peeking at him from there as if keeping a check on him - and Sam didn’t have to think twice before taking a picture and sending it to Gabriel. Who replied with an involuntary keysmash, several heart-eye emojis, and proceeded to show up outside his door within two minutes, urgently whispering, ramen. 

All in all, Sam kind of loves having someone who loves Amelia around. More than he would’ve imagined, but that’s probably owing to the more particular fact that it’s Gabriel. And Amelia certainly doesn’t mind having another kinda-sorta dad around either, so there’s that.

***

Almost a month later, when Gabriel falls sick, Sam realizes he misses him more than a lot. They text, and Sam sends him pictures of the more mediocre things too, but it’s not the same thing as spending your nights regularly staying up with someone, sitting on the floor and discussing your respective lives while playing with your absolute darling of a cat - a schedule that makes sense, because this way she sleeps for most of the time, they both have college. 

It’s not the same thing at all. So, he figures out a way to make it work. 

The next morning, when he’s only just leaving for his lectures, he doesn’t persuade Amelia to go back to sleep. He instead starts prepping the pillow thingy from how he first brought her in, pulling a large pillow cover on her bed - yeah, Amelia’s not sleeping in a box now, they’ve bought her a proper basket - and setting off with his bag slung over one shoulder, trying to be nonchalant about carrying such a large, floofy thing while on his way to class.

He wants to surprise Gabriel really, so he hasn’t told him anything about this idea - though it feels infinitely weird to be on the other side of the door, knocking and whispering ‘Ramen’.

Almost on cue, Harry - who just fucking happens to have been walking by - gives him a weird look. 

Sam has no idea how Gabriel does it.

It’s easier soon, when he hears a surprised, ‘Come In!’ In a voice which is definitely Gabriel’s, though it sounds different, probably because he’s sick. Sam walks in, excited to show Gabriel what he’s brought with him, and finds Gabriel all piled up in a bed under a couple of blankets. “Morning, Samshine.” He greets, smiling - and instead of looking miserable, he manages to look so goddamn comfortable - that Sam just wants to take his cat-containing-pillow and get in bed with him. 

“Wait.” His eyes widen. “Is that -”

“Yep.” Sam announces. Gabriel’s eyes visibly light up, and his eyebrows disappear in his hair. Sam feels proud of himself. “I figured you missed her.” He adds, and it’s not a lie, but it’s definitely not the complete truth. But Gabriel nods so enthusiastically, that Sam sets her down on the bed and begins to excavate the cat from the cotton. 

Soon after, Gabriel shoos him away, reminding him that he’s got classes to get to - bringing in a mention of Professor Zachariah and latecomers as his final card, and Sam leaves. He suspects Gabriel’s more excited to get rid of him because he’s never gotten to spend time with Amelia alone - the closest he’s got to that is when Sam’s studying on his desk and he’s playing with her on Sam’s bed. He’s a little surprised how little he minds leaving Amelia with Gabriel now, because he had totally anticipated some first-day-of-preschool parent-blues. But he isn’t worried about her enough to bunk his lectures, and get back to the latter’s room - though it’s a temptation he has to fight; the chance to spend the day with his cat and his - uh, well, Gabriel. 

That night, Sam works on his midterm paper in Gabriel’s room, and later brings them both dinner from the mess. It feels strange to be the one ‘providing’, in a twisted sense of the word, but he suspects it’s just the feeling of entering a room that’s not as cramped as his, and seeing the two of them curled up in bed. It was a good thing Amelia was a cuddler sort, otherwise Sam and Gabriel would’ve tired her entirely.

After dinner, he decides that it’s probably too much work to take Amelia back for the night - and it’s a risk he doesn’t want to indulge in needlessly. Gabriel supports this decision wholeheartedly, and for the first time in months, Sam’s going to sleep in his room alone. 

(It’s not that big a deal at all, but again, it feels weird enough that a few hours in, Sam moves back to Gabriel’s room with an actual pillow this time. It’s only because Gabriel is sick and won’t be able to take care of Amelia, he reasons, and Amelia might get feisty during the night and make his condition worse - and it’s several such excuses he makes to no one in particular, because Gabriel just hums his affirmation within a minute. He settles on Gabriel’s couch for the night. Yeah, Gabriel has a couch, while Sam uses a beanbag to welcome his guests. It’s not large enough, but it’s comfortable, and he wakes up, breathing laboriously, only to find his cat curled up on his chest, and a weighted stare from Gabriel, which makes him pink, because he just might have been watching them sleep.)

***

A few more weeks go by, and it’s closer to finals now. Sam’s at his desk, with Amelia warm in his lap, not making a sound because she’s brilliant like that when Sam’s working - and it’s one of the favorite parts of his day. He’s already finished his first draft, and is skimming through for the first time of necessary edits before he’s done for the afternoon, and can watch a movie when Gabriel arrives. He sips from his travel mug, because he’s been putting off washing the regular one - and is almost too concentrated when there’s a knock on his door. 

“Ramen,” follows in a singsong voice, and Sam is smiling as wide as ever as he saves the changes, and resolves to come back to it later, before closing the file. The door opens, and sure enough, reveals Gabriel - he’s in an orange turtleneck, which would look ridiculous by itself on a rack, and he’s carrying multiple packets in his hands. 

“Surprise!” He announces, latching the door behind him. 

Sam gets up, after Amelia has jumped nimbly from his lap and pattered over to Gabriel - and follows the route his cat took to Gabriel. “What’s this?” He asks, reaching out to glance at it, when Gabriel holds it out. 

They’re cat toys. A whole damn lot of them. Sam doesn’t even recognize most, he’s sure, as his eyes widen. He registers the things which he does know of - catnip, chew toys, a scratching pad, many plush colored mice which are also chew toys, and, “Oh my God.”

“Do you think,” Gabriel gushes, excitedly. The happiness is contagious, and Sam has a smile as well. “Do you think she’ll like it?”

“Of course,” Sam mumbles. Amelia never had many cat toys - only the most traditional ones, which Garth and Dean contributed to, actually. With buying a cat, and then having a pet to feed - his expenses had gone up fairly enough, so he hadn’t been able to spare much thought to buying them. “This is ridiculously too much, Gabriel.”

“Oh, shush,” Gabriel said, cheerfully. “I blame Pet Empire, for having such a cute cat section, and you, for making me want to make your cat happy!” Sam chuckled. “I didn’t even get the big stuff, you know, because it would be slightly harder to explain if I dragged a Tower of Toys through the hallway.”

Sam pales a little at the thought, but nods. 

“If you want, though, we can go get one of those assemble-at-home kits, and put it together on a sunday and -”

“This is too much.” Sam repeats, feeling a sort of happiness for Amelia that mostly beats the embarrassment at having her treated to so many things by Gabriel. “Ridiculously.” He adds, as before.

“Oh. Shush.” Gabriel repeats, laughing, as he holds out another packet specifically for Sam to hold, and puts the rest of the things on the floor for Amelia to examine now. 

Sam peers inside, and frowns. “Gabriel. I’m not going to make her wear clothes.”

Gabriel frowns back, harder, like it’s a challenge. “But you wear clothes, don't you?” He nudges, and it’s not a challenge again, but his frown deepens. 

“Gabriel, I’m not accepting any-” He begins, but brings out the garment and let out an involuntary gasp. It’s a grey sweater, and it’s so soft, and there’s a cat’s whiskers and eyes on the front, and it’s absolutely adorable, and it is making him melt on the inside. “Holy shit.”

“I got one for me too!” Gabriel tells him, beaming at him. “They sold it in pairs, and it was just the best thing ever!”

A his-and-his kitten sweater, Sam’s brain instantly goes to - but he makes it stop before he can externally lose it. “I -” He tries to find the words in which he’s going to ask Gabriel to take it back, because this is completely off-occasion, and he hasn’t ever gotten Gabriel anything and Gabriel bought his cat so many toys and him the nicest sweater he owns and -

“You can’t not like it.” Gabriel boasts, and he looks so terribly certain of himself, in that typically smug way of his - that Sam loses the fight in him. 

“Just - uh. Thank you, okay?” He mumbles.

Gabriel waves his hand dismissively, but he’s wearing a huge smile and Sam doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, but he’s blushing, and it’s just - a really great moment, okay? Right before Gabriel perks up and says, “Guess what I did for the size, though? Just asked for the largest size in the boy’s section.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Like I’d have asked for the smallest, if I were shopping for you?”

“Yeah, exactly.” Gabriel replied, not even bothering to look offended and Sam huffs a breath.

He grins back, and with another glance at Amelia on the ground with all her toys in the bag and her trying to paw them out, remembers his resolve. “Okay, smartass. Thanks, again, I guess. But I mean, why this stuff? What is it today?”

“See, now I want to say that it’s our anniversary because I dig cheesy, but I don't remember what day it was when I first assaulted you for petting rights, and in case you do, it’ll just be embarrassing when I get it wrong.” He snickered, and earned a snorting laugh from Sam. No, he didn’t remember either. Just knew that it’d been April. Because he’d been reading something for English, and he finished his semester in May. It must’ve been a tuesday, because he was weirdly sure it was meatloaf day at the mess. And - it doesn’t matter, does it? 

 “Well then, what is it for?” 

“I guess,” Gabriel starts, seriously. “I didn’t want Amelia to think I’m only using her for her stress-relieving fur.”

“I’m almost a hundred percent sure that she doesn’t think that.” Sam consoles him, sincerely.

“But like, just to be sure.” He winks at Sam, and Sam feels the tension from before returning. “And even if I’ve only been using her for selfish purposes, I should at least be a sugar daddy right.”

Sam chokes. “How do you come up with this stuff?”

Gabriel shrugs, a smirk playing on his lips. “Your cat’s stress-relieving awesomeness-inducing magic fur.”

Sam throws his head back and laughs. “Do I need to get Amelia checked for growing drugs on herself, or something?”

Gabriel sighs. “You know, you just might.”

“Shuddup, my cat is perfect.”

And yeah, those words have definitely been said before, but Gabriel is solemnly nodding and Sam doesn’t mind being an unoriginal, ardent admirer of Amelia. At all. 

Amelia seems to acknowledge their existence at this point, and claws at Sam for help in getting the things out of their plastic packaging. Sam gives her a look for the clawing, but she meows back stubbornly. Almost too loud, and Sam winces.

“Look what you did.” He glares at Gabriel. “Spoiled my perfectly nice cat, is what you did.” He adds, because Gabriel doesn’t look guilty at all.

“I’ll deal with her.” Gabriel tells him, kneeling down on the floor, so that he can give all of his attention to her. He begins to undo the wrappings. “We’re just two attention-seeking peas in a pod, aren’t we, Amelia?” He looks up at Sam with a wink, because she’s gone quiet almost immediately as Gabriel brought out the cat wand, trying to learn how to play with it, maybe.

Sam sighs, but it’s mostly pleased. “Fine. Justify her behavior. Let her make noises now. I’ll drop her off at your room at night, and see how you like it then.”

“Well, it’ll guarantee you sleeping there too, so I don't think I’ll hate it very much,” Gabriel returns, like it’s on the tip of his tongue, and Sam swallows at the remark. 

“Shut up.” Ignoring his turn to contribute to the bickering, he instead offers, “Well, I’ll just put on some music in case she makes noises too catlike for me to justify as you doing impressions.”

“I’m really doing wonders for your sense of humor.” Gabriel tells him, snorting loudly, and Sam rolls his eyes before getting up like a good host, to go through what he has. He easily finds a playlist for popular songs of the decade, because he’s not in the mood to look for songs specifically - and puts it on shuffle. 

Justin Timberlake comes on, and music fills the room loud enough to drown out all sounds Amelia could make. Like it’s supposed to do, really.

But Gabriel stares at Sam, wide-eyed. “I don't think you want to be playing that song right now, Sambo.”

Sam raises an eyebrow at him. “Why not?”

“How do I put this?” Gabriel pursed his lips. It wasn’t clear if he was stifling a smirk, or his discomfort. “Everyone on the floor already thinks we’re banging, so playing sex songs like that doesn’t help.”

Sam almost objects to it being a ‘sex’ song, before realizing simultaenously that maybe it was one, and also that that wasn’t important. Gabriel has his hands shoved in his pockets.

Sam blinks at him, incredulous. “They think what?”

“Wait, you had no idea?” Gabriel actually looks taken aback, as he goes on. “Come on. We lock ourselves in your room, blaring music loud enough to drown out any sounds, practically for hours every night.”

“We spend afternoons together too.” Sam mutters, short-circuiting, and focussing on the dumbest part. And moving to another. He isn’t really thinking about what he’s saying right now - it’s coming from his lips, but he can’t truly be thinking these things, can he? He should be thinking things like how disgusting that is, how he instantly needs to go out on a date with someone else, not that he’s ever gone on a date with frigging Gabriel! Just - 

“Sam?” Gabriel asked, looking just a little bit concerned.

“How could anyone have so much sex?” Sam blurted, unthinking.

But Gabriel didn’t seem to mind his off-topic comment, and replied smoothly. “See, you’ve not had sex with me yet, so you don't know just how easy it is.”

And Sam blinked at him - not knowing what to freak out about, or in what order. The fact that everyone thought he was doing it with Gabriel, or the fact that Gabriel had just casually slipped in a ‘yet’. In any case, Amelia meowed at him pointedly, as if asking him to turn his attention from these pieces of information handed to him back to her, so that they could play with the toys Gabriel had bought her together - because Gabriel was already picking out mobby mouses, lattice balls, caterpillar teasers and whatnot; ignoring Sam’s gaze with just that hint of a smirk. 

***

Okay, so I took a terribly long time with this, but in my defense, it turned out super fucking humongous. The original prompt got messed up, and I’m sorry to everyone who was subjected to it. It’s a prompt by @rauko-is-a-free-elf and I loved it! I hope you had a good time reading that giant schmoop of fluff, and here’s my dear taglist: @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat @styggtroll @adventurous-blob @petrichoravellichor @all-or-nothing-baby @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect @moderatelypanickedbiromantic @elvenlicht @legendary-destiel @a-mess-of-many-fandoms @trenchcoatsandfreckles @noemithenephilim @naitia @ladywaywarddsc @zoerayne2426 @hellfire37 @3dg310rdsupreme @thekidsmaybealright @impulsivedandelion @galaxy-charm I think that’s about it. If I’m missing anyone, I’m so sorry, but I keep forgetting to update my damn taglist. I’ll do it soon!!! Bye, and have a nice day!

Still kinda makes me feel like ‘oh no one wants me’ y’know?? Like i just want to feel pretty, and I want someone to be like ‘oh yeah she’s cute’ but I feel so alone. Like I’ve lost so many friends already this year, and I just feel so crappy. Like it seems so pathetic but I actually just hate who I am. I’m sick of crying and I just feel like the only person who hasn’t had anyone yet. Not that I need someone, I just want to feel wanted if that makes sense. I think I’m just being stupid. (2)

remember when i said i’d accept writing prompts for 100 followers? me either. (not to use exam stress as an excuse or anything but exam stress kicked my ass) 

anyway i originally wasn’t going to do this because i’m not good with writing sequels to my writing but i actually had a burst of creativity so HERE WE GO BOYS 

read me first!

Ryan hadn’t been at school in a few days and needless to say, everyone was worried.

His mom and dad didn’t know what to do, Ryan barely told them anything. They put it down to stress and let their son have the rest of the week off. Back at school, Shane had been near mute as well. He was constantly checking his phone to see if Ryan had messaged him or tried to call him. Obviously there was nothing new.

He stared down at his lock screen for the fifth time in 2 minutes. It was a photo of him and Ryan at the abandoned warehouse down the road from their local mall. Ryan had dragged Shane and their friend TJ along as one final adventure before TJ moved to Florida. The photo was taken in front of defaced rusty shipping containers. Both of them were laughing and pointing at the giant dick that had been graffitied on the side of one of the containers in bright yellow.

Shane smiled at the memory, almost chucked, before being bought back to reality with Sara nudging him.

“If he hasn’t talked to you since Wednesday, he’s not going to text you now. Put your phone away and try to relax.” Sara had a sad smile on her face and Shane knew she was right.

“Yeah I know..I just..I’m so worried about him. He was so torn up after school, I can’t stop hearing his sobs in the back of my mind. They were my fault. But why? Maybe I should’ve spoken to him more. L-let him know I’m never gonna leave him. Maybe if I had just been a better friend then maybe-“

Arms on his shoulders stopped him spiralling. Shane had been spiralling a lot lately. All he could think about was what he could’ve done to do better and what he would say to Ryan if he were here.

Shane turned around and saw a concerned looking Andrew.

“Dude you have to calm down. None of this was your fault. Ryan’s clearly working through some shit and we just have to wait for him to feel cool enough to tell us what’s going on. Let’s just go to lunch and meet with the others, maybe someone has spoken to him.”  

Shane wanted to protest. Tell Andrew if Ryan was working through anything, then he would know about it because they don’t keep secrets from each other. But instead he just nodded solemnly and followed him to the cafeteria, Sara smiled and told him she’d speak to him later as she went off and joined her friends.

Their table consisted of Ryan, Shane, Andrew, Steven, Jen, Ella, Zach, Keith, Ned and Ned and Keith’s girlfriends, Ariel and Becky. Sometimes Sara and a couple of her friends (Eugene, Quinta, Freddie and Kelsey) would join them but that was rare, due to the fact that Eugene would try to pick a fight with Ella a lot. No one knew why but Eugene would always find something to argue about, especially if Zach was involved.

Everyone else was already sat down and Shane took a seat next to Jen who rubbed his back and gave him a sympathetic look. Why was everyone giving him sad looks today? Were they meant to make him feel better? The sad looks aren’t going to make Ryan talk to him or come to school.

There was a whisper on the other side of the table as Zach handed his phone to Steven, who then sighed and nodded. The phone was then passed to Ned and Ariel who both gave knowing looks to everyone else.

“Hello? You know I can see you guys, right? What was on Zach’s phone? Zach what did your phone say?” Panic struck Shane’s voice.

Everyone went silent and looked anywhere but Shane’s gaze. Shane felt the anger boiling inside him and before he got up and left, Zach passed his phone to Jen and nodded to her.

“Just..Just show him. He told me last night that I could show him.” Zach mumbled.

“Wait, I’m sorry what? Is this Ryan? You’ve spoken to him? Zach, what the fuck you promised you would let me know if-“

The phone was thrust into Shane’s shaking hands before he could continue. Everyone at the table had read this text except for him. He exhaled and looked down.

‘Ryan Boogara (11:10am): fuck all of this??? like dude tf?? feelings?? they r the biggest load of bullcrap i have ever experienced. remind me to never get them again. also remind me to go to the doctors and ask if they can surgically replace my tear ducts because mine have been run dry. there are no more tears to let fall. i can’t believe shane was so oblivious but also i can’t believe that i wasn’t more forward with how i felt. if i had been maybe this could’ve worked out nd we could b the high school sweethearts i dreamed abt. how do people DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!!! HOW DID NED AND KEITH DO THIS???? HOW DID STEVEN DO THIS???? AT LEAST THEY WERE ALL LUCKY!!!! THEIR INTENSE PINING GOT THEM A RELATIONSHIP!!! BUT ME??? LITTLE OL RYAN STEVEN BERGARA GOT NONE OF THAT!!!! ALL I GOT WAS HEARTACHE AND HURT!!!! why do. straight people exist? CHALLENGE ME THAT KORNFELD why do they exist an d why does the one (1) man i love have to be one of them. read that with a lot of spite. this was dumb from day one and you told me it wouldn’t have been worth it but i didn’t listen. and then i told jen and i didn’t listen to HER anD THEN I WENT TO  E U G E NE L E E YA N G FOR ADVICE YESTERDAY ON HOW TO GET OVER IT AND HE TOLD ME TO DRINKMY FEELINGS AWAY AND HERE I AM!!!! dude im wastED. all of my feels have intensified so much. its only 11am. WOOwee. if i ever see shane madej again I’m gonna punch him in the face and then kiss his lips better. i love him zachy. i love him. sso much

Me (12:00pm): dude are you okay? literally no one has heard from you since you ran off and shane is such a mess he is not handling anything well

Me (1:30pm): hey man remember drink some water and take painkillers

Ryan Boogara (9:00pm): jesus fuck i just woke up

Ryan Boogara (9:00pm): i’m sorry you had to deal with that

Me (9:03pm): no it’s alright are you okay?

Ryan Boogara (9:04pm): yeah i have a massive headache and i miss shane. a lot.

Me (9:04pm): he misses you too

Me (9:04pm): he’s acting like you’ve died

Ryan Boogara (9:04pm): i feel like i’ve died

Ryan Boogara (9:04pm): can you tell him i’m sorry and i love him

Ryan Boogara (9:05pm): i’m over lying to him

Ryan Boogara (9:05pm): you know what, just show him this i’m done

Ryan Boogara (9:05pm): at least then he has the weekend to process my shit and can decide on monday if he still wants to be my friend

Me (9:06pm): are you sure you’re not still drunk?

Ryan Boogara (9:06pm): yeah just do it

Ryan Boogara (9:06pm): im gonna try and go to bed gnight zach

Me (9:06pm): goodnight ry get some rest’

Shane couldn’t do anything except stare at the phone. He reread the message over and over. Ryan…had feelings for him? Since when?

Shane didn’t notice he was crying until he felt Jen’s arms wrap around his side. Next to him, Keith rested his hand on his shoulder. Shane missed his friend so much. And now his fears were confirmed that it was his fault, the guilt ate him up even more than usual.

Shane stumbled over his words, “I have-I’ve got-Ryan I need to see him-I want to tell him-I’m..”

Shane pushed himself up from his seat. Despite his friend’s protests, he just kept walking. Out of the cafeteria and out of the school grounds. Ryan’s house was a 20 minute walk from school and although taking an uber could’ve been quicker, Shane refused to waste any time, he knew he had to get to Ryan.

A sweaty and out of breath Shane pounded on the front door to the Bergara’s and when no one answered, he managed to break in with his debit card, a trick he learnt off Mike, a kid in his forensic science class. Shane marched upstairs and without knocking opened the door to Ryan’s room.

Ryan was lying in bed, his back to the door, completely oblivious to the man standing in the doorway.

“Why?”

Ryan sat bolt upright in bed and turned to the voice. He was a sight to behold, it seemed like he hadn’t slept in days and he smelt of vodka. Ryan’s face paled and he looked like he had seen a ghost.

“Shane? I-what did Zach show you the text?” Fear seeped into Ryan’s voice.

“Why?” This time Shane’s voice cracked. He could feel the lump in his throat rise.

“I’m sorry.” Ryan croaked.

Shane walked towards the bed and pushed Ryan down and kissed him. Both of them were surprised at the taller man’s actions but neither made an effort to stop. Shane climbed on top of Ryan, their lips not breaking apart. Ryan tasted like alcohol and Shane like mint. Their mouths worked together and Ryan released a low moan.

Since when did Shane want this? Maybe he always did, subconsciously, but never let himself think about it. Thank God he had called off the date with Sara until this whole thing with Ryan blew over.

The two boys pulled away for air, both of them crying, their tears mixed together on each others cheeks. Shane let out a breathy laugh.

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

“Good. You should be.”

Ryan grinned and sighed contently, “I really like you, Shane.”

“I don’t know how I feel, but I do know that I really liked kissing you.”

hopefully reddit mfs dont find it cuz they love sharing outside posts to point n laugh ahdheddn

songs in pink are my #1 fave and songs in blue are #2 faves if u wanna sample the albums