Brendon Urie playing “Lonely Days” by the Bee Gees on the piano.

Hello, I’m Mr. Donge. I’m 22, living a very plain and quiet life. I’m not someone people notice, not the attractive or interesting type. I come from a small city, XYZ, where I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Most days feel the same, and the silence in my room feels louder than anything outside.

I’ve decided to start blogging here because I don’t have a place to share what goes on in my head. Maybe my life isn’t exciting, maybe it’s boring to most people, but it’s still my life, and I want to put it into words.

today still wrestling the smouldering remains of a protracted and very annoying migraine, i am woozily revising my current obsessions — desire, desire, desire. i need to be touched asap. i need to be held and have someone stroke my skin, enter me, kiss me. i miss miss miss miss miss miss human contact so much it hurts and is driving me a little mad. i’m beginning to do stupid things like confuse loneliness with a shift in my personal politics. i’m beginning to need someone even though i made it clear to myself very long ago that i would no longer engage with people from a need-based place. the remedy for this is perhaps simple: plain human contact. that ought to get my mind feeling a little normal again. there’s a viral screenshot that says we need eight hugs per day to function normally and it makes me think — veracity aside — about how long it’s been since i’ve had eight hugs in total. perhaps july, when B came to take me to the hospital and stayed for a little while. a random aside: in november, the cats will come home to me — B will visit too, and (i hope) stay for a little while. i’m grappling with loneliness as it mixes with heartbreak, which makes the emotions very confusing! very different to perceive. by themselves, as discrete concepts, loneliness and heartbreak are okay to deal with (i think — at any rate, i’ve dealt with them before) but together, they form a strangely coloured alloy, suffused with the glint of other things like guilt. and self doubt. some shade of self loathing too. if i’m not attractive to myself, how can i be attractive to someone else? if i’m not happy with myself, how will someone else supply happiness to me? and if i’m not ready to move on emotionally from extant (and even past) entanglements, what hope is there for me? in the context of these facts, any efforts to tackle loneliness will fail.

what is it about wanting to love and be loved that fundamentally makes you less likely to be loved? the wanting reduces your desirability. in work terms (haha): wanting to be treated reduced your chances of being treated. by myself, normally, i’m a generally okay person to be around. i understand pop culture references. i am kind. but when i’m tired and lonely and need to be loved, i can’t help feeling that i’m reduced to something like a desperate sopping mess. ostensibly, then: holding some amounts of desire is good, but bad beyond a certain extent. what is it about desire that elicits such differential responses?