#llamaproblems

How do I start this..? What am I even trying to start? What do I hope to accomplish with this?

So many questions, with only half the answers.

It was suggested to me that I start blogging. Really, for nobody’s interest but my own. To use as a tool - if you will. I lack the ability to open up. To allow others to have access to my thoughts and feelings. I hadn’t always been like this, but somewhere at some point as I was growing up I began locking everything up inside.

Not so much because I thought no one cared, but because I didn’t care. I had always considered my feelings and thoughts secondary. Not as important as the ones of people I cared about. Anything I was feeling could wait.

Only, the waiting never stopped. Always holding things in, never wanting to deal with anything. This now proves to be the biggest issue in my life. I am my own issue haha

but not the way i see you

of court not 

im not:

pretty enough 

smart enough

talented enough

good enough 

and this pretty much sucks

because here i am head over heels for this jerk of a friend

and he never actually hears whats i say.

drunk as fuck

and i open my fucking heart out to you. 

and i still get a booty call from you

and here i am hurt

feeling like shit. 

not being able to talk to anyone because people be mad at me

not being able to eat because i have a loss of appetite

and i honestly don't want to talk to anyone because you know what i don't think any of the guys will understand this but the girls.

yeah im stupid

but so are you

because im right in front of your fucking face...i put up with your shit but apparently you take that for granted.

you learned how to treat me like shit. yeah id go home with you if you realized that i am more than a face and that i have feelings. enough feelings to fall for an asshole like you. but you dont see me. you see my body. you dont hear me you hear what you want. you can sweet talk all you like but its never gonna be me... 

IT WILL NEVER BE ME

just once. if you opened your eyes and saw that someone actually likes you for you. if you could see that someone likes you for all your flaws for all your mistakes. if you could see that someone likes you for all the shit that you have been through.

If you could see that i like you for your mistakes. if you could see that i like you for your past. if you could see that i like you despite your asshole attitude because i know that you are actually a nice guy. if you could see that i like you despite how much times youve been fucked over because I WILL BE THE ONE THAT WON'T FUCK YOU OVER. i can't believe how much i fucking like you. but i like you for all your flaws and mistakes. i like you for everything i can stand, because i like YOU for you and not for your flaws.