#literally my first thought too the increase the decrease

seungmin x gn! reader

genre: academic rivals, high school au, angst, hurt/comfort

warnings: heavy themes, panic attacks, reader with claustrophobia

summary: claustrophobia + broken down elevator

word count: 792

phobia masterlist

pt. 2 (wip)

a/n: so uh hi guys it’s been a bit i lowkey gave up on writing for a bit and now that i’m a lot better mentally i decided to finish my very rough draft of the first part of this fic. enjoy or don’t up to you!

not proofread so lmk if there are mistakes!

just as i was about to say how great of a day today was, “what do you mean i can’t use the stairs?”

mrs. lee just looks at me repeating herself once again. “they just got painted because someone decided to use spray paint to show off their lack of artistic ability. you can use them again tomorrow, just use the elevator for the day.”

“but-“ i cut myself off finally accepting the fact that i can’t use the stairs. “alright thanks.”

i glance over at the elevator across the hall. i have always refused to go in it because of what my friends call an “irrational fear.” i prefer to call it a calculated aversion.

i slowly walk over towards it, dragging my feet hoping that somehow if i wasted enough time i wouldn’t have to do this.

i press the button watching as it illuminates. taking a deep breath i watch the numbers slowly decrease until it reaches my floor.

“this is fine, theres nothing to worry about. its just an elevator.”

the quiet affirmations do little to ease my mind but i manage to step into the death machine elevator.

right before the doors close someone else manages to slide through and into the elevator with me.

my eyes trained on the ground don’t pay much attention to him until he speaks. god that voice i could recognize that obnoxious voice anywhere.

“you’re actually using the elevator?”

“i’m not in the mood for your shit right now seungmin,” i say holding the railing so tight that my knuckles turn white.

“your loss,” he says turning back to the now increasing floor numbers.

i hold my breath hoping it will distract my mind. it works until the elevator shakes coming to a complete stop.

the overhead lights flicker before shutting off, the faint red glow of the floor number now the only thing in sight.

“why did it stop?” i ask hoping he has an answer that will calm my racing thoughts.

he pauses for a second listening to the faint noise outside the elevator. “someone must have pulled the fire alarm.” the calmness in his voice does the opposite of ease my mind.

“what?”

“it’ll be fine, they’ll notice we’re not outside and they’ll come get us.” the twinge of concern in his voice confuses me but my mind is too focused on wanting to get out.

my breathing gets heavier as my grip on the railing tightens impossibly tighter. he notices my change in demeanor immediately.

“what are you claustrophobic?”

the question rings through my ears but the sound of my thoughts drown it out. my hands shake as i try to keep myself upright.

he catches onto my behavior and steps closer grabbing onto my arm. “you’re going to be okay, just breathe.”

he helps shift me down onto the floor as i try and fail to get air to my lungs.

“y/n look at me,” i look up—tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

“just follow me, in and out. just like that, keep doing that.” i glance down at his hand—now gripping my hand to stop my nails from digging into my palm.

eventually my breathing starts to slow, i run my hands over my face trying hide the tears that managed to fall.

“im sorry,” i say with my hands still covering my face. “that was so embarrassing.”

“its okay, it happens i’m not judging.” his words make me remove my hands from my face and look up at him.

“why are you being so nice to me?”

“do you not want me to be nice? i mean you literally just had a panic attack the least i can do is be nice to you.” he responds

“i just- normally you’re a dick to everyone—including me—I’m just surprised”

he face drops for a split second just enough for me to catch it.

before i can ask what’s wrong i get cut off by the elevator lights turning back on. slowly it powers back to life starts to move up to the third floor.

once the doors open i quickly make my way out of the elevator glancing around at the near empty floor.

“are you both alright?” an older voice asks. i glance at the firefighter—still slightly shaken up from the event—and try to think of how to respond.

“yeah we’re okay just a little scared for a moment but we’ll be fine” seungmin says for us both. they converse back and forth for a second but i can’t make out the words as i try my best to calm my mind.

seungmin follows the firefighter out of the building but not before placing a hand on my arm and pulling me to follow.

a/n: so its been a fat minute since i posted but lmk what you guys think and maybe i’ll finish some more of my drafts. also lowkey i’m not as into skz as i was when i first made this so i might switch which groups i write for

divider credit: @pixopix

taglist: @m-325 @yukisroom97 @monniemons @midnight0sun

only in my dreams

azriel x reader | love has two sides. it can be pure, beautiful, and exciting, but it can also be lonely, painful, and the worst of all—unrequited. warnings: mentions of heartbreak, unrequited love, alcohol, death and a curse word. words: 3.3k

series masterlist | general masterlist

you should have stayed at home.

you knew you shouldn't have come.  

you knew it was a bad idea from the moment you walked through the threshold of the balcony of the house of wind.

it was sad to know that this house used to be your safe haven — a place where you were happy and felt safe, where you could be yourself. 

but now it makes you want to leave as quickly as possible and never come back.

because that was the only solution to not having to see the scene that was unfolding in front of your eyes. 

your eyes — the same ones that used to contain love and happiness, were now sad and empty.

the same ones who used to shine with excitement every time you entered a room looked now absent — as if something had sucked away their vitality and left nothing behind.

even your kind and warm smiles had started to appear less frequently until they disappeared completely.

that's how you looked now — no sparkles in your eyes and no smile on your face as you moved the food on your plate with a fork from side to side.

you stopped listening to the conversation a long time ago. 

it was another dinner night with the inner circle at the house of wind. you were sitting between rhys, who was at the head of the table on your right side, and nesta on your left side.

you were trying everything to keep your eyes on your plate so you didn't have to watch elain being courted by azriel — the owner of your heart and the reason it was breaking little more day by day.

he wasn't to blame and you didn't blame him for his feelings towards the middle archeron sister, afterall, no one has the power to choose who they like or love — but it didn't make it any less painful.

pain — you were feeling it a lot now.  

every time elain laughed at something azriel whispered to her made it hurt even more.  

your power wasn't helping you at all right now.  

Being an empath had its advantages — it allowed you to feel and understand the emotions and feelings of others and increase and decrease their intensity. it also allowed you to know when someone is lying or telling the truth and to control and manipulate them, despite not using the last two (unless it was necessary) because you believe it to be incorrect.

but the thing most people didn't know about being an empath is that it affects your emotions and feelings, too.

it makes you feel everything more intensely — meaning that you felt everything ten times more than everyone else.

a good joke that made others laugh until their stomachs hurt — made you cry with laughter. 

simple things that made others happy — made you jump with joy.

and when others felt passion — you felt love. 

you loved with more strength and intensity than everyone, but you also suffered in the same way.

and when you suffer, it's like your light has been turned off.

a hand on your knee took you out of your thoughts — nesta.  

she was the only reason you were here — literally, she dragged you from the library when you told her you wouldn't be joining them for dinner.

the older archeron sister had become one of your favorite people. 

nesta was the one who had the most difficult time in adjusting and accepting this new life, so instead of ignoring her as some did, you decided to be the first to extend your hand to her.

it all started with your mutual interest in books. it started with book recommendations, then exchanges and finally reading them together.

by the time you noticed, you were training together, sharing meals, and adventuring in the city.

your friendship was not easy — nesta made sure of that.  

at first, she tried to push you away with cold stares and nasty comments, but you knew better than anyone that it was nothing but a defense mechanism.

you knew that when she said she was better off alone, she really just wanted someone to hug her.

so, knowing better than anyone, you fought for her.  

you ignored the cold stares and faced her nasty comments, and when she tried to push you away, you stood your ground and didn't let her.  

little by little, she let you in, and you got to know her — the real nesta.  

over time, the staring stopped, the comments disappeared, and instead of trying to push you away, she started looking for your company.

your friendship turned into a sisterhood, and now, Nesta would fight for you just as much as you fought for her. 

your sisterhood grew, and short after that, you were welcoming emerie and gwyn — your girls.

quickly, a friendship was formed between the four of you, and there was no one you trusted more than each other.  

they told everything about themselves, their past, their fears, and even their secrets.

so, you did the same — except your feelings for the shadowsinger, nesta was the only one who knew about that.

you joined the inner circle one hundred and fifty years ago when you moved to velaris to live with your great-aunt madja.

despite being an empath, you also inherited a natural talent for healing just like your aunt.

that's how you met rhysand and his family.

there was an enemy attack in windhaven with several fatalities and many injured illyrians, which required all the healers who worked at the clinic, including you and madja, to be winnowed there by morrigan.

as soon as you arrived, it was total chaos. the soldiers who were not injured, and even some who were, did not stop running from one side to the other, nor did they stop shouting or grabbing weapons and demanding to go after those who fled making it impossible for the healers to help. 

the enemy had already been defeated before your arrival, so you were not in danger and for that reason, you did not hesitate to use your powers.

you made your way so you could stand right in the middle of the soldiers. 

you raised your arms to the sides and closed your eyes, and with a little bit of focus you let the soldiers' emotions start to invade you from head to toe.

then with a long sigh, you took control of their emotions and released your power.

the soldiers immediately stopped in their places and went limp before starting to fall to the ground unconscious.

you put them to sleep.

it was the only safe way for the healers to be able to do their work even though you didn't like having this kind of control over someone.

the only ones who were not affected were the high lord, his brothers, and his cousin.

their eyes were fixed on you, who remained standing among the sleeping soldiers.

and when they turned to you for an explanation of what had just happened, they were even more shocked when you revealed to them what you were and what you had just done.

they had never met anyone with that kind of power, and so they were having a little trouble getting their faces back to an expression of neutrality.

impressed wasn't enough to describe how they were feeling at that very moment.

qs a thanks, rhysand offered you a position in his inner circle. after some hesitation and several lectures from madja about how it would be a bad idea (and lack of education) to refuse such an offer, you accepted.

moving to the house of wind, you established friendships with all the members, but azriel was the one you became closest to.  

you became best friends over time, and before you could stop your heart, you fell in love with him.  

even when he was already in love with mor.

despite knowing about his affections towards the blonde female, it hadn't hurt as much as it does now because azriel had never acted on his feelings for her.

but you decided to wait. you believed that one day the mother would smile upon you, and she would grant you the wish you carried in your heart every day.

therefore, during that time, you were content to love him from afar — and in the shadows.

you thought that day had finally arrived after noticing the change in azriel's behavior towards mor after the arrival of the archeron sisters.  

you couldn't be more wrong.

you couldn't help but find this whole situation ironic. after decades of seeing azriel in love with mor and hoping that one day he would notice you, he was now courting elain.

the archeron sisters came into your life and turned everything upside down. you were grateful that feyre and nesta's path led them to you, but you couldn't feel the same way about elain.

before you could wander in your thoughts even more, nesta squeezed your knee, getting your attention again. 

you looked at your best friend and noticed the worry on her face, so putting your hand on top of hers, you murmured to her a small "i'm okay" and gave her a small smile. 

"are you sure?" she murmured too, so no else could hear it. 

you nodded your head at her and returned your attention to your plate.

rhys' voice made you look up, and you regretted it immediately because in that exact moment, you saw azriel and elain's hands intertwined on the top of the table.

you shook your head and looked at your high lord — who had become a very good friend of yours.

"are our plans at rita's still on for tomorrow night?" rhys asked. 

everyone — but you — said their agreements before azriel spoke, "actually, elain and i have plans for tomorrow night." 

your breathing got caught on your throat, and nesta's hand flew immediately to yours, grabbing it gently.

it was Feyre who asked, "where are you going?" you could've sworn there was a hint of surprise in her voice.

"to the new restaurant that just opened by the rainbow. it's supposed to be very good," elain's eyes moved from her younger sister to the male sitting next to her, "so we decided to try it." 

cassian cleared his throat, and he looked in your direction before looking at the people in front of him. "it's that a date? are you going on a date?"

azriel chuckled and squeezed elain's hand. "i guess we can call it that." 

you stood up abruptly, attracting everyone's eyes, "sorry. i just remembered that madja needs my assistance to visit a patient tomorrow, and i forgot to prepare the medical bag." 

you excused yourself before leaving the dining room and making your way towards the stairs. 

you heard cassian and nesta calling your name, but you didn't bother to turn as you started to descend the ten thousand steps.

through your power, you were able to realize that no one — with the exception of your best friend and her mate — noticed your lie. 

Just as they didn't notice the tears that filled your eyes as soon as you turned your back on them and left the room.

••• 

you went to your aunt's house.  

the last thing madja expected to find at her door at that time of night was her niece with red eyes and tears running freely down her cheeks.

she barely let you walk in before she wrapped your figure into a tight embrace. 

she had noticed the change in your mood recently but decided not to comment because she knew very well that as soon as you were ready to talk, you would tell her everything.

and that's what you did.

you told her everything as you both rested on her pink couch with your head in her lap while she caressed your hair, listening to your words attentively.

you ended up falling asleep with your cheeks stained from the tears, and madja didn't dare to move. she refused to awake you from your peaceful slumber.

she bent down to kiss your head, and when she raised again, she saw a piece of parchment on the top of the table next to the couch, reaching for it.

it was rhysand asking where you were. 

madja answered for you, saying that you were with her and spending the night at her house. 

it didn't take long until your aunt joined you into your slumber.

•••

the following night, you made your way towards the House after a hard day at the clinic. 

the day got worse when the patient you went to see at his residence didn't make it.

sometimes, you hate your job, especially because of your powers. when things got too much for you to handle, you had to put a shield around you to prevent you from feeling your patients worries or pains.

the patient you visited was heavily sick. it was too late to do anything medical, so you did the only thing you could.

you used your powers. let his emotions invade you, and then, with a long sigh, you took away his pain and transferred it to you.

that was the only thing you could do for him at that moment, and you are more than relieved that you were able to provide him comfort while he left this world, making his passing easier for him and his family.

you climbed the ten thousand steps, but it didn't even bother you. you were too busy thinking about your patient and whether his family would be okay.

you made a mental note to visit them the next day and help where you could.

you pushed these thoughts away as you opened the door and entered the House.

all you needed right now was to be with your friends and forget about this awful day.

when you walked into the living room, you remembered that everyone went to rita's.

well, everyone, but you, azriel, and elain. the two of them were on their date tonight. 

and like a snap of a finger, all your emotions and feelings from the last few months and days came flooding back.  

your eyes fell on rhys's expensive drinks cart.  

you wiped your tears and everything you felt turned into anger.  

"fuck it."

you went to the cart, grabbed the first bottle that was in your reach, removed the cork and drank, sinking the drink down your throat and your sorrows with it.

•••

three hours later, cassian, nesta, rhys and feyre finally arrived at the house.

amren had departed to her apartment after they left rita's and mor stayed behind saying that her night wasn't over yet.

the two couples had come talking about you on the way. they had waited for you but when you didn't show up, they assumed you were with madja or still at the clinic.

rhys had sent a letter to madja a few minutes ago asking for you and when your aunt said she was looking for you too, they left hoping to find you here.

they just didn't expect the state they were going to find you.

as soon as they passed the threshold of the balcony and into the living room, they saw you.

you were laying on the couch with your legs off of it, an empty bottle was in your hand, and another on the floor by your feet.

"oh my god," the high lady whispered.

cassian moved and kneeled next to you by the couch. his hand made its way to your arm and tried to awake you.

"y/n." he shook you lightly.

after a few seconds, you opened your eyes and were faced with the General looking at you.

"cass," you said with your voice dragging, "you're here." you moved to sit and wrapped him into a hug, one that he didn't hesitate to reciprocate.

"are you alright, sweetheart?" he asked you while caressing your back.

"i am now that you're all here," you released a breath. "my dear friends", you looked at your other three friends who were looking at you with concern. "you're so beautiful. all of you. did you know that?" you giggled.

it was rare for you to drink and when you did, you never got drunk.

nesta sat down next to you and put an arm around your shoulders. you took the opportunity to rest your head on her shoulder, finding comfort in your friend's embrace.

"what happened, y/n?" she asked you.

you started laughing before replying with irony in your voice "what didn't happen?" 

you pushed away from her and stood so you could face all your friends "my patient died. the male I've been in love with for decades won't even look at me and this house that used to be my safe haven, it's now the stage of my pain."

"oh! not to mention that elain is mated but does she care? no! does azriel care? of course not. i've been in love with him for decades. decades! and he doesn't even look at me." you started laughing, "by the cauldron, u'm pathetic."

your family didn't seem surprised by your revelation.

cassian pulled you into a tight hug and rhys and nesta moved to do the same.

if it weren't for this situation everyone would've thought that the world was about to end from seeing rhys and nesta hugging each other.

morrigan arrived in the moment you were in the middle of your friends with tears in your eyes.

"what's going on?" mor whispered to feyre who was still in the same spot since she arrived.

feyre explained everything and by the moment she finished, both females had tears in her eyes at the sight of her friend being hurt.

"what's wrong with me?" you asked them, your voice breaking.

"nothing is wrong with you. nothing." that wasn't your friend speaking — it was your high lord.

feyre and morrigan joined the hug in the moment you said, "i'm never going to be good enough for him. i'll never be her." 

tears rolled down feyre and mor faces, and both females were asking the same question in their minds "how long has she been feeling like this?"

your high lady spoke this time, "y/n, what can we do? what do you need?"

you hugged cassian tighter before locking eyes with nesta "i just need my girls."

nesta nodded her head at you and looked at the blonde female "can you take us?" 

mor didn't hesitate in agreeing. 

anything to make you feel better.

•••

two hours later, you were in the middle of the bed with nesta and gwyn on one side and emerie on the other, all of them with their arms around you.

the three of them had fallen asleep a few minutes ago after one hour of you telling them everything about azriel and a lot of cups of tea and tissues.

you thought they would've been mad at you but they didn't. 

they reassured you several times that it was okay and that you could take all the time in the world until you were ready after you tried to apologize too many times.

now you were staring at the ceiling thinking about your options.

you couldn't live like this anymore, knowing that azriel would never love you back. 

so you were going to do the only thing you could in order to protect what was left of your heart.

there was something about your powers that no one knew. something that you never had shared.

you had a switch.  

one that you could turn on and off whenever and wherever you wanted.  

in the same way that you could feel everything, you could also feel nothing.

the only problem? everything that made you, you, would disappear.

but it was also your solution to your situation.

you closed your eyes and gave a deep breath.

you focused on your breathing for a minute and then. . .

no more emotions.

no more feelings.

no more love.

no more sadness.

no more pain.

no more tears.

you turned it off.

when you opened your eyes again, you were numb.

you didn't feel a single thing. 

good.

a/n: thank you for reading!

general taglist: @emryb @fantasyandshit @azrielover @shadowsingercassia @brieflyclassymortal @lilah-asteria @lure-of-writing @pruvii @olive-main @mybestfriendmademe @anuttellaa

I grew up with multiple disabilities that made it really hard to lose weight and gain muscle but now I’m being treated for it and would like to help it along

Any advice is much appreciated ❤️

I hope this does not sound dismissive, but the best advice I personally can give anyone about losing weight is to stop trying to lose weight.

That doesn't necessarily mean you will never lose weight, but that it's not an effective goal to focus on. It depends on a multitude of factors, many of which come down to genetics and are really outside of your control.

Focus on building muscle. Focus on consuming more hydration and nutrients. Focus on getting quality rest and sleep. Focus on things you can control that are functionally improving your fitness instead of chasing numbers on the scale.

Because here's the thing. As you build muscle and improve your endurance and otherwise quantitatively improve your fitness, you might not lose weight.

You might actually gain weight through this process. But your body will look different with a higher muscle mass and you will likely feel differently about your body when you can see how much it is capable of.

The flip side is, through building muscle, you still might lose body fat, which is this thing we're all societally encouraged to lose all the time, even if your overall weight does not decrease. But if you focus on building the muscle instead of losing the fat, you're going to have a much better time.

You also might lose weight in general! The truth is: there are no healthy ways to exert total control over your weight. If you focus on specifically seeing the number on the scale go down you will either feel frequently frustrated despite how much actual progress you may be making towards improving your fitness or resort to unhealthy practices to try to force the number down, and if you have to sacrifice health for weight loss it's no longer a fitness practice.

But if you focus on strength, flexibility, mobility, endurance, sleep quality, hydration, and eating plenty of nutrients then your fitness will improve, regardless of how your relationship with gravity may change.

As for getting started my best advice is start slow! Imo the worst thing a beginner can do is too much too fast. This increases your risk of injury and also is just miserable. It makes the task feel overwhelming which frequently makes people avoidant of doing it at all.

The trick is actually to make it really easy. So easy you almost feel kinda silly because you're barely doing anything at all.

This will vary based on your time and limitations but for some folks it might look like training once per week for 30min. For some folks it might look like training twice a week for those 30 minutes. And for others maybe just training twice the whole month.

After that first month, evaluate and adjust. Either increase the number of sessions per week or month. Or increase the duration of those sessions. Don't increase both at once.

So you might go from training once a week for 30 minutes to once a week for 45 to 60 minutes or twice a week for 20 to 30 minutes.

No matter how you set it up, the goal is to gradually increase the intensity over time. This gives your nervous system time to become familiar with the task. This makes it less overwhelming when you eventually build up to longer and/or more frequent sessions.

There's a million different schools of thought on if you should train whole body each session or different body parts on each session. But which way is best? Whichever way works for you! Literally just whichever way you like doing it.

I recommend starting with whole body training because it's much easier to make sure you hit all the major muscle groups when you're starting out with fewer sessions per week, but my initial point still stands: do whatever works for you.

I'm gonna link a bunch of free programs from creators I personally like a lot below. Don't feel compelled to follow any of them as written. The goal again is to make it really easy to start, so that might mean looking at some of these programs and just choosing one or two upper body exercises and one or two lower body exercises and forgetting about the rest for now.

Don't neglect your rests!! Both between sets and between sessions. You need to give yourself ample time for recovery. The rests as written in a lot of these programs may be too short. Rest as long as you need to.

You want to come into each set and each session with as much energy as possible. If you still feel really tired from your last set or session, then don't go into your next one yet.

We build muscle while we rest. We (constructively) fuck up our muscles during training and without proper rest (and calories!) we can't actually build the muscle back bigger and stronger like we're trying to.

Also search my blog for "form notes" and you'll find a bunch of posts where I've gone a little in depth on basic form for various exercises.

Free Programs:

Girls Gone Strong

Hybrid Calisthenics

Nerd Fitness

Do Yoga With Me (stretching is so important. Please make sure to incorporate some stretching.)

As far as nutrition is concerned, it's about addition, not substraction. It's not about what you can deprive yourself of, but what opportunities can you find to give yourself extra protein, fiber, fruits/veggies, or hydration?

One way I like to do this is to get my nutrients from multiple different sources. Instead of giant chicken breast constituting the whole meal's protein I like to do a little chicken, a little cheese, maybe an egg, maybe some nuts, and some veggies with small but still significant to the overall sum of protein on my plate line mushrooms or broccoli. Now I'm getting my protein from a bunch of different sources, some that also have micro nutrients, some that have nutritionally dense fats, some that have fiber.

If you're wondering what that seemingly unrelated series of foods might look like in a coherent meal:

Put melted butter or whatever cooking oil you like on the bottom of a small oven safe dish (you could probably do this in the microwave but I haven't actually tried that)

On top of the melted butter add a little shredded chicken (or ground beef or sausage or tofu or whatever just make sure it's cooked first) some crumbled goat cheese (or whatever kind of cheese you like) crack an egg (or two) on top, more spices and more cheese on top (I usually do cheddar or parm on top) set aside.

In a different dish (you could do it all together in a larger dish but I like them better separate) dump frozen veggies out of a bag. Throw a handful of nuts on top. Add butter or oil, whatever spices you like, and a dash of balsamic vinegar (sometimes I do white wine vinegar or lemon juice instead) (you could also just dump your favorite jarred sauce on there instead.)

Put both dishes in a preheated oven at 400°f and cook for 15-20 minutes until your eggs are done to your liking and your veggies are cooked.

You also don't have to do any of those things. You could get a frozen meal and just dump some extra protein and/or veggies on top.

Lots of ways to do it, but I'm just saying I personally recommend layering up your meals with different sources of various nutrients so you can get adequate amounts without having to eat a giant portion of any one particular food, which can often make "eating healthy" feel like a horrible chore. This is just my way though, feel free to ignore it if it doesn't work for you.

And most importantly, have fun with it!

Most humans do not do things just because we know they're good for us. But we frequently do things just because they're fun for us. So find ways to make it fun and at the very least avoid things that make it miserable.

This is something that I actually don't know if I've seen you cover before (so apologies if you have!).

I have recently noticed that in the last year/10 months that a *lot* of my autism symptoms have gotten worse. I was very lucky to be diagnosed at a younger age, which means I've often been able to develop coping strategies knowingly to cater for my weaknesses. For the most part of my life, autism /dyslexia /dyspraxia has been something that I've been disabled by, but not without feeling like they're just things that I can overcome with enough work. But, I've had the horrible, awful realisation that my needs have significantly increased, and my ability to just *take on* things has gotten less.

(For example:

I had a panic attack for going into a new supermarket, unable to find items, and have no signal to phone + ask questions to others about items needed.)

It was one of the most dehabilitating things to actually have my body shut down on me after that *simple* experience. I felt like my whole automony was/has been slowly disappearing and I can't do anything about it apart from burdening other family members about it. As in, they are learning too, you know? Like, my limits are much less. But still. It feels awful.

(for reference, I have had panic attacks before, but never from going into a new supermarket)

Also, it seems like in the last 10 months what underlying, very very minimal synthesisia I had has literally jumped into action. It was the time I started my first job, and now it's never stopped. I now have synesthesia that confuses me, and once again, it's like the things I thought I knew about myself has changed without me controlling it. And, my ability to process and understand shops/other places has decreased - I literally cannot go into a shop now without starting to feel dizzy, almost nauseous, unable to see(? But not like I'm blind), and having to blink rapidly, and everything glaring at me (as soon as I leave I am absolutely right as rain). If I have a safe person with me, I can cope by looking at the ground or on them, and it's like a safety visual net (whilst I hate going in, I can just about cope).

I now struggle to even leave the house without some sort of ear protection (I.e headphones) because of how much less my tolerance has become and I cannot predict when I will need it.

There's definitely other stuff, but this is the gist. (I've since stopped the job I mentioned earlier because it was a contract).

I've just... I've heard of autistic burn out. But I've never heard of an autistic person's symptoms change in a way that is so drastic before. It's like my whole brain is rebelling against me, and I had no idea what it was like before to feel disabled. And I feel bad, that I was a person who could - was feeling like they had a grip on it all - is suddenly like an *actual* burden, or at least, much more than I was. Like I'm an actually *disabled* person - and then I feel awful for saying that, because in the environment I grew up in, autism was turned into a postive lol and the word disabled makes me feel like I'm taking another person's word. And now, it's like.... It's - it's all.. Not right anymore. Like a photo frame that is cracked around the edges, and getting worse with each month. And I don't know what will happen in the future, why it's so awful and feeling like the life I want for myself, the small, beautiful freedoms I took for granted is suddenly being barred to me. When before, it was simply my path. Unquestionably.

I really appreciate you running this blog. It's helped me so much throughout my last couple of years, and widened me to a whole broader spectrum of things I've never known before. So here I am, humbly presenting my case haha. I hope you're well. 💖 And I deeply appreciate the spoons/mental energy you'll spend just for reading this, let alone answering me. But don't feel like you have to either, if there's nothing you feel like can say or do! :)

Thank you so much,

All the best, :) 💕

*warm autistic auntie hugs*

I can tell you that you are very much not alone in this.

It's important to understand that you are not "getting worse" as in the idea that your autism is suddenly increasing in severity.

You struggling to mask. This is how your autism has always been. You've just been able to push through it until now.

And I can very much relate. I moved to a new country by myself at 20. I used to take buses and go to the city and go to the shops and the shopping centre...

Now, I can barely go to the shops.

But looking back, my mental health was always really bad. I'd do those things and then be exhausted for DAYS and feel like everything hurt. But I just ignored it and assumed I was just "introverted" or maybe one of those "highly sensitive people".

And autistic burnout is the culprit.

Burnout is often long-term, the first one is slow and insidious, and recovery is a long process but important.

Because the fact is: you have always been disabled. ALWAYS. Abled people do not require masks for every single thing in their day. And those masks can feel like they're natural...until they're no longer available.

the primary thought process for this one was wanting to make a flying artillery cape and then also wanting to make a power with a similar scaling effect to Lung's(with a similar unknown or nonexistent upper limit)

it took a bit of thought, but i think their trigger event was definitely an Endbringer attack(probably Leviathan, specifically), brought on by desperation to escape from an increasingly dangerous area and the creature causing the whole thing. the resulting power then gives them the ability to escape or even fight the Endbringer, at the cost of potentially being their own source of massive damage to the surrounding area. i think Leviathan is the best pick here since the lightning blasts are a neat ability to get after triggering from a monster that's constantly covered in water, and their windstorm's ability to grab and carry storms and large amounts of water creates a potential flood risk, matching one of the threats posed by a Leviathan attack(plus they shoot lightning and fly around, things that Behemoth and the Simurgh do, respectively, which is kind of a cute detail).

i think their cape name is Stormbringer(or an equivalent in other languages, depending on where they're actually based in), mostly just to amuse me since it's the name of Elric of Melniboné's sword that cures his immense physical frailty and makes him a deadly warrior, at the cost of causing him personal tragedy and tempting him to violence, and then there's the literal meaning of course. i think of the name as having been assigned when they were first figuring out their power and couldn't really control it, likely causing a lot of damage on accident. as such, they don't really like the name, but it's already stuck at this point.

i don't have a specific location in mind for them, but I think they're definitely heroic, probably not one of the big names in their country but maybe well-known in their state or province or equivalent, since they try to avoid getting too intense with their power due to the associated risks.

the other ideas are a much less developed, so they can just be described with bullet points, fortunately:

Shaker/Trump with a power-scrambling ability that lets them choose between limited control over the effect of the scrambling(could be increased range, decreased range, randomized targets, increased or decreased lethality, etc) and high control over the targeting, or low control over targeting and high control over the effect(and various middle grounds). idea came from trying to figure out a directly offense-focused version of Jack Slash's unknown power(possibly even as someone who triggered during an S9 attack and got a bud from that shard), and eventually became something that doesn't quite fit that, but still seems fun to me

Wizard-themed Tinker with two primary specialties: pocket dimensions(so they can fit a bunch of different functions onto their staff) and reverse-engineering other Tinkers' tech(to get more options for different "spells"). came from the idea that a stereotypical D&D wizard-themed Tinker who "casts fireball" with a real-world rocket-propelled grenade was a fun idea, then i decided it was even more fun once i realized that they'd have to pick a set amount of many of their different effects before heading out to go do cape things, sort of mirroring the notion of spell slots in D&D.

Thinker/Trump who can choose to receive the shard-granted sensory inputs of all parahumans within their range(requires them to actively suppress inputs they don't want). sort of a nebulous and still partly undefined concept, but the idea was a sort of "Thinker command center" who can't use any particular Thinker abilities directly, but gets all the info from them and their shard helps them sort through all the input. and then I remembered that Thinkers aren't an objective category and as such it'd need to be all the sensory input from any power, which is a lot more broad. still seems pretty fun as a concept to me though.

hopefully the super-long ask isn't that much of a bother, i have a bit of a habit of being overly wordy

So, some new gameplay footage of Lies of P: Overture just dropped - and holy macaroni, if it doesn’t go hard.

In fact, it got me so hyped that I couldn’t help but sit down and break down all of it.

Note: All time stamps, unless otherwise stated, refer to the video linked above.

Gameplay stuff

- First off, we’ve got notable gameplay updates, the first of which being the option to adjust dash/dodge/jump being on the same button! (Seen at 3:27.)

I’m actually so glad they decided to implement this - you see, Lies of P was my first soulslike, and I couldn’t get to grips with the standard controls at all. On the other hand, I practically grew up with Monster Hunter, so what I did was basically jury-rigging the MH controls in Lies of P. xD

I kinda got used to dodge/dash being on the same button over time, but the jump button being L3 still weirded me out. Whenever I play LoP again, I’ll definitely play around with those options a bit, and see if I find some key bindings that I like better! :-)

- Second, there now is the option to use Held Ergo for level-ups and purchasing in stores. (Seen at 29:17.)

I suppose this means you can use Ergo items in your inventory right from the level up/purchasing screen, which is an awesome QoL improvement.

- The footage also reveals one new status effect and one new buff item: Freeze (seen at 0:22) and the Miraculous Enhancement Ampoule (seen at 29:40), respectively.

Freeze not only continuously drains your HP but also decreases your movement and attack speed, which sounds like a rather nasty effect.

The Miraculous Enhancement Ampoule temporarily increases your max HP, Stamina, and Legion, which I can see coming in handy in boss fights and miniboss fights. (Probably more so miniboss fights as the duration of that effect is probably not too long.)

- The footage also extensively shows a new type of gun blade, which was also briefly featured in the Announcement Trailer (at 1:14 in that trailer).

You can also get a peak at one of the new Legion Arms in the footage, called “Cataclysm”; since the person playing doesn’t use it though, we don’t get to see what it does.

However, I managed to find a second video where you can see that the Cataclysm arm is essentially a three-barreled shotgun (best seen at 9:40). In addition, the aforementioned video also showcases some other weapons, namely a killer wind wheel (at 3:12), a flamethrower lance (at 6:22), a rocket engine lance (at 10:30) which literally has the same charge animation as the lances in Monster Hunter LOL, the bow (at 8:06 and 9:24) and the Wolverine claws (at 8:23) from the Announcement Trailer plus a new Legion Arm named Icarus that can throw spinning blades (as seen at 3:52).

So yeah, the new weapons are wild. xD

Heck yeah, Gemini!

- One thing I’m especially pleased about is that Gemini seems to be a lot more involved in the story this time: He’s actually reacting to the newspaper found at the beginning (at 2:48), you’ve got the option to talk with him at the Stargazer (at 3:07; I wish we could’ve done this more often in the base game), and he chimes in a lot more often to share his thoughts.

Now, it actually feels like Gemini is part of the story - and ngl, I’m enjoying that very much. :-)

Okay, now for the juicy stuff.

Beware that there are spoilers for the main game ahead, as well as spoilers for the setting/location of the DLC, as seen in the footage. I will also speculate about the direction the story of the DLC might potentially take, based on what we saw so far.

I finished it.

And I mean, I took as long as I could, since I really didn't want to get to the end--mainly because, like with Iron Flame, we now know absolutely NOTHING about the fourth book and I'm in a perpetual waiting hell.

But at the same time, I couldn't hold off too long, because with every day, the potential for spoilers being seen increases, etc. And the very, VERY last thing I ever want is for any of these books to be spoiled for me.

With that said...

SPOILERS FOR ONYX STORM BELOW THE CUT!!!

I MEAN IT! BIG SPOILERS!

ALL-THE-WAY-TO-THE-END-OF-THE-BOOK TYPE SPOILERS!

Because I'm putting my thoughts, my reactions, etc. (which will probably all be kinda disjointed, and rather lengthy, so bear with me on that...)

So yeah--

YOU. HAVE. BEEN. WARNED!