#xadenviolet

The general never smiled -- not genuinely, anyway. His lips might twist into something resembling amusement during public addresses, but his eyes remained as flat and cold as the steel Riorson nameplate pinned to his uniform. You'd noticed it the first time you saw him across the flight field; he was your Wingleader then, his fingers were drumming an impatient rhythm as he watched each cadet, including yourself, cross the parapet.

Now, as he leaned against the doorframe of your private quarters, that same unnerving stillness settled over him like a second cloak. Now, he stood here years later, and far more familiar to you than Wingleader and cadet -- now husband and wife.

Soon to gain titles far more important.

"You're staring," you said, not looking up from the letter you were writing. The tip of your pen scratched softly against parchment.

Xaden exhaled through his nose, a sound you'd learned meant he was weighing whether to voice a thought or let it fester. The floorboards creaked as he pushed off the frame and prowled toward you. His shadow eclipsed the candlelight before he stopped, close enough that the heat of him seeped into your side.

"You were speaking to that... Prince, earlier."

Ah. So that was the problem.

You dipped the pen into the inkwell, swirling it lazily. You knew how much the crown prince of Navarre always got under your husband's skin.

"He brought reports from the eastern outpost, wanted me to give them to Garrick by tonight." You paused, fluttering your lashes at Xaden. "It was hardly a seductive exchange."

Xaden's jaw flexed. He plucked the pen from your fingers and set it aside with deliberate care. "He stood too close."

You arched an eyebrow, leaning back in your chair to study him properly. The candlelight caught the gold in his irises, turning them molten, a stark contrast to the tension in his shoulders.

"Are you truly keeping tally of how near other men stand to me now?" You asked, lips twitching despite yourself.

Xaden's thumb brushed the inside of your wrist as he leaned against your desk, rough with callouses but impossibly gentle.

"You're smirking," he muttered. "Like this is amusing."

"It's a little amusing," you conceded, standing to get closer to his height. The scent of leather and steel clung to him, familiar as your own skin after all these years. You could feel the suppressed energy coiled in him, the way his fingers flexed against your pulse point; as if he wanted to pin you to the desk and wrap you in silk all at once. "But Halden is half in love with his own horse, darling. And I'm rather obviously yours, hm?"

His gaze dropped to your stomach, hidden beneath the drape of your tunic. The look that crossed his face then, so possessive, and it made your breath hitch.

"You think I don't know what they're thinking when they look at you?" He said quietly. His palm slid up to cradle the curve of your belly, warm through the fabric.

"War makes men desperate. And you," His voice roughened. "You glow like you're carrying sunlight beneath your skinn."

You caught his wrist before his hand could retreat, pressing his palm firmer against the gentle swell beneath your tunic.

"Then let them look," you murmured, watching his pupils dilate at the challenge in your voice. "Let them see exactly what happens when they forget their place."

His breath slowed when your nails grazed the sensitive skin of his inner wrist, a silent reminder that you'd left identical marks down his back just last night.

Xaden made a low noise in his throat, something between a growl and a sigh. His free hand came up to frame your jaw, thumb brushing the corner of your mouth.

"You're playing with fire, Y/N," he warned, but the way his fingers trembled betrayed him. You knew that tremor, the barely-leashed hunger of a man who'd spent too many years treating desire like a weakness to be tampered down.

"Funny," you mused. "I could swear I was playing with my husband."

You nipped at his thumb when it strayed too close to your lips, delighting in the way his grip tightened on your waist instinctively. "Unless you'd prefer I find another-"

The crash of his knee hitting the wood between your thighs cut you off. The desk groaned in protest as he lifted you atop the flat surface, his body caging yours with practiced precision.

"Finish that sentence," he dared, voice gone dangerously soft. Up close, you could see the faint scar just below the right corner of his mouth; a souvenir from some long-ago battle he'd never speak of again. You traced it now with your tongue, giggling softly when he jerked like you'd branded him.

His mouth found yours with none of his usual restraint, all teeth and desperation. You arched into him, tasting the bitterness of jealousy and the lingering sweetness of his post-dinner slice of chocolate cake, no doubt. The inkwell toppled when you scooted to get closer, black spilling across the desk without care.

The ink seeped into the parchment’s fibers, bleeding through your half-written letter. You barely noticed, not when Xaden’s hands were sliding under your thighs, hauling you flush against him with a grunt that vibrated through your ribs -- well, as close as he could get to you while maintaining care to your bump, that is.

The edge of the desk dug into the backs of your knees, but the discomfort melted beneath the heat of his mouth moving to your throat, his teeth scraping the pulse point he’d mapped a hundred times before.

"You're insufferable," you gasped, though your fingers were already tangled in his hair, tugging hard enough to make him groan.

"You started it," he muttered against your skin, one hand slipping beneath your tunic to splay over the curve of your belly -- a habit he’d developed since the first flutter of movement beneath his palm. His thumb stroked idle circles there even as his other hand yanked at the laces of your trousers, the pants yanked all the way off soon after.

"And you’ll finish it." The growl in his voice sent a thrill down your spine. You laughed, breathless, as his fingers found the slick heat between your thighs.

"Such a romantic," you teased, but the words dissolved into a moan when he curled two fingers inside you, his palm grinding against your clit with ruthless efficiency. Your jaw fell as he worked his digits deeper, delighting in the way you melted beneath his touch.

"Look at you," he murmured, slowing his strokes just enough to make you beg. "All this because I called out some prince for standing too close?"

He grunted when you clenched around his fingers, his own arousal pressing insistently against your inner thigh.

"You’re... ridiculous," you managed, arching into his touch. "He was -- ah -- handing me ... supply reports."

Xaden’s chuckle was a dark, velvet thing against your ear as he twisted his fingers just so, drawing a broken sound from your throat.

“Supply reports,” he repeated, his voice dripping with disbelief. His free hand slid up to palm your breast through your tunic, thumb brushing over your nipple until it peaked beneath the fabric. “Funny how those always require leaning into your space, isn’t it?”

You dug your nails into his shoulder, biting back a moan as his teeth grazed your earlobe.

“Jealousy doesn’t suit you,” you lied, because the possessive edge in his voice sent heat pooling low in your belly.

“Not jealousy,” he corrected, withdrawing his fingers just enough to make you chase the touch. "Just reminding you why you're mine, and mine only."

Before you could retort, and tell him that's exactly what jealously means, he dropped to his knees between your thighs, the hardwood floor creaking under his weight. His breath ghosted over the damp fabric of your undies, and you shuddered as he pressed a small kiss to the inside of your thigh.

You tugged his hair, forcing his head back until his gaze locked with yours. The gold in his eyes had darkened to near-black, pupils blown wide.

“So... is it working?” he asked, innocent as a prayer.

You cried out as he pressed his fingers against your sweet spot, crying out a loud Yes! in response as you tossed your head back.

Xaden’s answering grin was all teeth. His other hand practically ripped off your underwear and then suddenly, his mouth was there, hot and relentless. Your back arched as his tongue laved over your clit, his free hand gripping your thigh hard enough to leave bruises.

The parchment crumpled beneath your clutching fingers as Xaden’s tongue dragged a slow, deliberate stripe through your folds. You gasped, the sound ragged and far too loud for the thin walls of the commissary quarters, but he didn’t slow; he only hummed against you, the vibration ricocheting up your spine like a plucked bowstring. His thumb hooked under your knee, spreading you wider, and you shuddered at the obscene slick noise of his mouth on you, at the way his stubble scraped the sensitive skin of your inner thighs.

"Xaden—" you choked out, but his name fractured into a moan when he sucked your clit into his mouth with filthy precision.

His fingers continued their work, plunging into you with a curl that had your hips jerking off the desk after an embarassingly short amount of time.

"Quiet," he ordered against your thigh, his breath hot. "Unless you want the entire eastern hall knowing how the general's wife sounds when she cums."

The threat was undercut by the way his voice had gone rough, by the damp spot you could see growing on his uniform trousers where he was painfully hard. You whimpered, thighs trembling as he added a third finger, the stretch delicious as his free hand reached up to clamp over your mouth.

"That’s it," he murmured, watching tears bead at the corners of your eyes. "Take it. Take what you fucking started."

You bit down on his palm when his thumb found your clit again, circling ruthless little circles as his fingers fucked into you with a pace that left no room for patience. The desk shuddered beneath you with every thrust, the inkwell rolling perilously close to the edge, but Xaden didn’t so much as glance at it -- his focus was singular, unwavering, as he watched you come apart beneath his hands.

Your climax hit like a volley of cannonfire, your back bowing as pleasure tore through you with enough force to leave your vision whiting out at the edges. Xaden drank down every twitch and gasp, his fingers gentling but not stilling as he worked you through it, his mouth pressing open-mouthed kisses to your shaking thighs.

When you finally slumped back onto your hands, boneless and gasping, he rose with predatory grace, wiping his glistening chin on his sleeve. His gaze dropped to where you were still spread open for him, your release glistening on his fingers, and something feral flickered in his expression.

"Still think I’m overreacting about Halden?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

You laughed breathlessly, pushing to sit up straighter despite the aftershocks still sparking through your limbs.

"I think," you said, reaching for your husband and father of your baby with trembling fingers. "You really know how to treat your wife well, even when she's five months pregnant with your child."

Xaden smiled then, a real smile this time, and stepped closer, his hand gently resting atop your gently swelled belly. He leaned in, gently kissing your hairline despite the way he just absolutely shattered you from the inside out.

"Especially when she's pregnant with my child," he reiterated, tucking a stray piece of hair behind your ear. His fingers tilted your chin up to look at him, his usually hard features softening as you gazed up at him.

Sighing, his own gaze softened as he stared down at the two most precious things in his life.

"You grow more beautiful each day, Y/N," he whispered, his thumb brushing your cheek. "And you're going to be a wonderful mother."

To say things were strained, would be an understatement. Since the battle of Basgiath, you couldn’t help but feel like the third wheel. Suddenly rendered either replaceable or just not worth the time in general, at least that’s how it looked from your eyes.

You knew they were keeping secrets, and you couldn’t help the way you felt iced out of your own relationship. Violet was always trying to redirect conversations. Xaden, on the other hand, said less than ten words to you one day.  

You went from feeling like you had the world with them both, to feeling like you weren’t worth the dirt on your own boots. 

It’s then you found yourself walking into the hall to find Xaden and Violet standing outside the doors of the meeting with the cadre. Watching from the shadows, your eyes dart between the two as they clearly have one of their now, all too common, telepathic conversations. 

The feelings of envy and unworthiness wrap around your heart and squeeze. How many times were you going to watch them have their own secrets while you stood on the outside? Were they ever going to realize how much it hurt to watch them continue in their own cocoon? You thought you had discussed this, that the last fight would’ve gotten through to them, but apparently it did nothing. 

“Hey, are you going to wait with Xaden?” Garrick asks as he steps up beside you though his own eyes are on the aforementioned man.

“No.” The word is sharp, there is no room to mistake that anger is bleeding through your tone. 

“Why n-“ Garrick’s words are cut short as you turn abruptly and walk back towards the dormitories. 

As you turned, you caught the glimpse of Xaden’s eyes and by the shadow that snakes around your wrist, you know for certain he saw you. But instead of falling back to him as you would normally, you shake off the shadow and continue your march. 

The force of the winter chill slaps across your face as you emerge into the courtyard, but you don’t feel the freezing temperature. Instead, the ice seems to slide across your heart, the organ hardening against the coming hurt that you can feel in your soul. 

It’s not surprising. You’ve never felt like someone who belonged, especially not in the powerful world of the two people you called yours. But now, the same people that had pledged that you would never be left out have clamored in on themselves tucking you neatly outside of the everchanging pace of their lives.

‘You are powerful in your own right. Do not let their silence diminish you.’ Rion bursts into your thoughts, a calm wave shooting through your shared bond.

A sad, tired smile crawls across your face as you make it to your room at Basgiath. Your dragon always the one to bolster you when you felt yourself slipping. You shut the door and lock it, not interested in another range of excuses from the two people who have been your respite. 

As you fall into bed, you let the comfort of the familiar room fall around you. If nothing stays constant in this world, the bare necessities at the war college have become an unlikely consolation. Falling into the sheets, you look back at the door, as much as you’ve tried not to guard your heart, you find yourself unwilling to compromise any longer. 

Dragging yourself back up, you take a deep breath and let it calm you. Unsure if either of them will even come looking, you choose to move forward anyway. Holding up your hand you let Rion’s magic flow through you, shaping the strands into thin moveable pieces. Ward weaving had come oddly naturally to you, something you’d worked on in secret along with your signet. 

Pulling every piece into place, you solidified your wards so that only you could enter, effectively blocking out a list of people that had become comfortable with walking in and out of your room. You knew you should feel sad, but a part of you was relieved that you would finally have a place that was solely your own. 

As you laid back down in bed, you only focused on the worn stone of the ceiling. Emotion that had been clouding all day pushed to the side in favor of the sleep that was beckoning you. Eyes beginning to drift shut, you thought you heard a knock on the door. Remembered somewhere in the back of your mind that Violet had wanted you with her tonight for something regarding the wards, but instead of letting the thought fester, you let the heavy hand of sleep claim you.

______________

“Where the hell were you? And what did you do with the wards on your door?” The snarl in Xaden’s voice does nothing to draw down the walls that you’ve been building. 

“Xaden.” Violet hisses through her teeth giving him a warning look. They hold each other’s stare a beat longer before his eyes soften and look back towards you.

“It doesn’t matter where I was.” You shoot back, your own anger bouncing as you watch the scene unfold.

“Y/N.” Violet tries to soothe as she comes up to you, her hand grabbing for yours. You let her take it, fingers intertwining and let the familiarity of the gesture soothe the hottest part of your anger.

“You should’ve been there to help last night.” Xaden voice is still terse, a warning showing through that you weren’t where you were supposed to be. 

“Yes, and I’m sorry I forgot.” You state as you reinforce your shields. It was hard enough when Xaden’s second signet was revealed for both you and Violet. But with their penchant for silent discussion, you guard your thoughts even more. 

“It seems she didn’t need my particular brand of expertise anyway. From what Ridoc told me, everything went according to plan.” The words are flat as you continue to glare at Xaden. 

He must see something in your face, because soon enough he’s pulling you forward with your other hand and wrapping his arms around you. 

“I don’t know how to fix whatever’s going on if you don’t let me in.” Xaden whispers into your hair as you feel Violet’s head come to rest on your shoulder. 

“There’s nothing to fix.” You reply letting yourself deflate. You know what he’s inferring, he wants you to drop your shields enough to gather your intentions, so that he can correct whatever’s amiss.

You can’t explain it, but for some reason, you don’t. There’s something larger going on and you’re tired of being on the outside looking in. If you know either of them as well as you think you do, you can hear the conversation of ‘it’s only for your protection’ shining through every single outcome. 

‘They underestimate you because you don’t show them your power.’ Rion comments as you let your own thoughts drown out the comfort both of them are trying to give.

‘Well maybe if they showed more interest or explained their plans, I would show them what they haven’t noticed.’ You volley back, though the terse attitude isn’t for your dragon.

Your thoughts are pulled back to the present as you feel the ghost of Xaden’s lips at your temple. The gesture meant to be soothing and reassuring, but you’re unsure of who its really for the tension in his shoulders still coiled like a spring. Violet turns your face towards her own and her lips meet yours in a featherlight gesture. It’s almost as if you can feel the way they hold back, the secrets becoming an impenetrable force between you. 

Before Xaden deigns to let you go, he whispers for only you to hear. “Fix your wards. I need to be able to know you’re safe.”

The words are meant to quiet, to put a balm to the ache of the wound that is festering between you, but it does nothing but push you further. If either of them wanted you safe they wouldn’t be holding back whatever it is that they can’t seem to say.

______________

You wrap your arms around Violet as your lips ghost across her shoulder before you pull the buttons of her flight jacket closed. Ever since Xaden’s assignment as Professor, you had spent most nights in her bed, both of you finding solace in each other with the absence of Xaden. 

You wish you could say that this change had settled your heart and the way you felt iced out of your relationship, but then you would be lying to yourself. Each day since the news of her departure with Xaden to Anca, you had been deciding on a plan of how you would get some distance of your own.

Nothing permanent, just something for you to have some space that you otherwise never seemed to get with either one of them lurking and keeping tabs on you. Neither one would admit it, but they were unnerved by the small ways in which you had begun to pull back. Though between Xaden’s new duties as the Duke of Tyrrendor and Violet’s constant review of the books available regarding venin and the irids, there wasn’t much time for intimacy of any kind these days. 

“I wish you were coming with us.” The words are quiet as Violet turns to face you. 

“I know, but I’ll be fine. You just need to worry about you and Xaden making it back safe.”

“Considering we don’t know how many venin are lurking the halls of Basgiath, I’d garner to say we both need to worry about you too.” Each word is sincere and you can see the concern etched in her brow as she searches your eyes.

Your hand comes up to her face and you let your thumb trace over the lines to try and soothe the worry. 

“Just come back safely.” The words escape your mouth quietly as you step closer to her.

As you lean in, you let your heart deflate a little knowing that when she returns, you hopefully won’t be in Basgiath. Your lips clash in a kiss that for you is a goodbye, one that leeches nothing but bittersweet emotion. You hear Violet sigh as she melts towards you as your tongue gently swipes along the curve of her bottom lip. 

When you finally pull back, there’s no mistaking the flush to Violet’s cheek and the swell of her kiss bruised lips. 

“Xaden is going to be upset he won’t get to give you a proper goodbye.” Violet muses as she pushes back a strand of hair from your face.

A small smile curls your lips as you take in the all too familiar warmth that settles between you. It’s the feeling that you will hold onto as you step away from the girl in front of you. 

“I’ll be there to see you both off.” You say as you grab your pack before turning Violet’s door.

Before you can even stride forward the door swings back and the aforementioned man is standing in front of you. Eyes slightly wild and hair untamed, he looks as though he had just sprinted through the halls of the dormitories.

“I hope you didn’t think I’d be leaving without a proper goodbye.” Xaden’s words were as hot as the fire in his eyes as he glided towards you. 

As he pulled you closer, you reinforced your shields, not wanting him to get any insight into your plans for the day. Your words however, were nothing if not a sultry reply to his. 

“Well Professor Riorson. I thought it was against the Code of Conduct for a professor and student to be seen together.” 

“Fuck the Code of Conduct. The both of you are my code and I’ll manage that however I see fit.” His words cut off as his mouth crashes down on yours, arms snaking around your waist pulling your body taut against his own. 

The kiss is just like Xaden, an all-consuming fire that will burn everything that dares to stand in his way. It’s impossible not to get swept away in the tide of his kisses, each curve of his lips igniting a fire that never truly banks. 

You aren’t trying to get swept back into the working hum of your relationship with them, but with their imminent departure and you having to stay back, it seems both of them are keenly aware of the divide now.

Xaden’s lips begin to slow to a languid pace and you feel one of his arms leave your waist as he drags Violet towards you. Your head turns as you bring a hand to cup Violet’s face and kiss her hard, the fire that Xaden struck humming a crescendo through your blood. 

As the fire begins to flutter out, you step back. You can only imagine the image you paint. Face flushed, lips swollen from repeated kisses, a self-satisfied smirk curving your lips. 

But with each step further from them, the cold that has been spreading through your relationship returns like the gusts of winter before a snowstorm. 

“It’s probably time to get you both down to the flight field.” You say as you let a sad smile lilt your lips.

Xaden crosses to you again, pulling you in with one arm. 

“I don’t like leaving you behind.” You look up and watch as Xaden’s throat works, the ever-present tick in his jaw showcasing his distaste for the situation.

“You’ll have Violet, my darling. You’ll be just fine.” You say calmly even with your shields raised firmly in place.

“I need you both.” He says as he steps back and surveys you both now standing directly in front of him. 

“You have us.” Violet replies, though there’s a twinkle in her eye that is reserved only for Xaden. 

Without another word Xaden turns and strides out the door before either you or Violet move. You know it’s so the constant eyes of General Aetos don’t have anything to report, but it doesn’t make the sting any less.

Trying not to ruminate, you turn to Violet, expression serious. 

“Take care of him.” The words are meant to be nothing more than an ask, to hold the man who has been left to many times from breaking when he realizes what you’ve done once they return. That is until you see Violet’s face and the confusion that has been lingering settles on your brow again. 

Violet searches your face, as if she’s looking for a tell that you’re aware of something in what you’ve just said that she didn’t know. Though when she shakes her head at you, you realize that whatever she is concerned about, you clearly are none the wiser. 

“We’ll take care of each other. But, you need to stick close to Bodhi, Garrick, Imogen, or someone from the squad.” She says as you both begin to walk towards the flight field. 

“I’ll take care of myself.” You reply obstinately. It isn’t as though your life is tied to anyone else’s. 

Violet gives you a knowing smile as you finally reach the flight field. After one last kiss, she turns and mounts Tairn. Then your attention shifts as you watch Xaden mount Sgaeyl without looking back. Though as the ghost of a touch skims across your face, you know that Xaden is more than aware of your presence.

You stand there as everyone gathers and watch them rise, soon enough fading into the distance of flight. 

Turning on your heels, you set your destination to the third floor and start the quest to get some much needed space for yourself.

__________

“I don’t need Riorson breathing down my neck the minute they get back.” Dain grumbles as he continues to mull over your ask, eyes averted to his desk. 

“I’m not asking you to explain anything.” You reply as you try to reason with him. “All the information will be given to both Xaden and Violet. I’m just requesting a transfer to a different squad, not asking to leave the continent.”

Dain scoffs at your response, giving you a look that says he knows exactly what will happen when Xaden and Violet return. 

“Xaden is a Second Lieutenant, Professor, and Duke. He’ll have plenty to worry about without having to deal with me or you. And besides, Violet has her squad. Sure, they’ve welcomed me, but that wasn’t the squad I started with, so there’s no harm in leaving.” You aren’t sure if there is a way you’re going to convince Dain without begging and pleading, so instead you try to appeal to the side of disappointment and regret that you know still eats at him.

“Look Dain, I need some space.” You level all the seriousness you can muster to the man in front of you. “You know Violet better than anyone here. And I know you’ve seen the rollercoaster of a relationship that we’ve all had. This is me needing some space.”

“I’m not leaving them or shutting them out entirely. But, a relationship is not anything if there’s nothing but secrets between you. I’m tired of standing on the outside of their mated dragon’s bond. I just need a moment to breathe.” You don’t dare speak of the lingering thought that something bigger is at play that they haven’t revealed.

There must be something to the plea in your voice because Dain exhales as if he’s coming to terms with the repercussions he’s going to have to face. 

“Fine. But if Riorson buries me for this, I’m coming back to haunt you.” Dain exhales as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

You give Dain a sharp nod before walking out his door. Satisfaction coils in your gut as you descend the stairs of the dormitories and return to your own room. 

Grabbing your pack, you swing it over your arms and take a breath knowing that in less than a day you will be in Aretia and away from the cloying suffocation of Basgiath.

__________

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Garrick’s voice reaches you, breathless from running as you walk the final steps to Rion’s foreleg. 

“I’m going to Aretia with my squad as runes class dictates.” You throw over your shoulder not stopping to talk to your most likely assigned protector. 

Before you can make it two more steps, the familiar large hand clamps your shoulder and spins you around. Hazel eyes burning with annoyance. You huff in indignation at the thought that Garrick has anything to be annoyed about.

“Your squad isn’t in Aretia for this rotation. I just spoke with Imogen, and you aren’t due to go for another six weeks.” Garrick’s eyes narrow on yours as if waiting for you to defy him.

“That is the Iron Squad’s rotation for Aretia, yes.” You say drawing it out for your own satisfaction. “I’m not on that squad any longer, Professor.”

Shock flares in Garrick’s eyes, though his hand still hasn’t left your shoulder. 

“What the hell are you talking about? You were assigned to that squad in the beginning of the year. Both Xaden and Violet were adamant about that.”

A wry chuckle leaves your mouth. “Yes, well, neither one of them are here, are they?”

“Besides, between all of Xaden’s duties and Violet’s search for the Irids, I don’t think they’ll have time to miss me.” You try pulling out of Garrick’s grip, but his hand is unyielding. 

“Is this some kind of stunt for attention?” That question has Rion’s head turning, a warning growl rumbling through her chest. Meanwhile your own eyes darken at the accusation, anger flaring hotly in your orbs and under your skin. 

“I’m not looking for anyone’s attention, Tavis. Least of all Xaden or Violet’s.” Your tone grows darker as the anger begins to course through your veins. “In fact, I’d love exactly the opposite. I want to be left alone. Iced out, like the rest of you and your fucking group have been doing since the Battle of Basgiath.”

Now its Garrick’s turn for his eyes to flare in shock. His reaction confirms every suspicion you’ve had since the morning after the battle. It’s that disbelief that makes him drop his hand, retreating a few steps as if he suddenly is unsure of exactly what to do. 

You step towards Rion and out of the reach of his grasp, but you won’t leave without a few parting words.

“I know that there’s a secret. Something only a few of you are worthy enough to know. I guess I figured since I was a partner to the two that are seeming to be in the thick of it, the love they have for me would warrant me deserving of their confidence. Instead, I get to watch as the five of you move pieces on a chess board that I didn’t even know we were playing.” Your words gain momentum and ferocity as weeks of rotting emotions begin to wear away at you. 

“When they return and inevitably ask you what the fuck happened, you can relay this message. I don’t need their protection, or anyone else’s. If they can’t or won’t trust me with everything, then I’ll do them a favor and make myself scarce.”

You don’t bother to wait for a reply as you mount Rion and settle into her familiar scales.

‘This will only be fuel to the fire of the already overly dramatic shadow wielder.’ Rion muses though you don’t miss the amusement that laces every word.

‘Then let him be dramatic. Doesn’t mean I have to be a part of it.’ You reply back, not with anger or ferocity, just the certainty that you’ve made the best decision for yourself. 

As Rion lifts from the ground, you take a deep breath and settle in, letting the heaviness of Basgiath and the last few months there rise from your shoulders. You have no doubt the next few weeks will be messy, but for some reason, you can’t find it within yourself to care.

__________

“Where are Xaden and Violet?” Is the first question out of Brennan’s mouth as you move into the Assembly Chambers at Riorson House. 

“You know damn well where they are.” You spit shaking your head at the automatic question anytime you step into a room. “I’m not here to discuss them. I’m here to be assigned a room for the duration of the runes stay for my squad.”

Brennan’s eyebrows rise at your response, clearly caught off guard. “What do you mean assigned a room. I’ve been more than reprimanded a few times from our tempestuous Duke that you and Violet remain in his quarters while in Aretia.”

“Yes, well, circumstances have changed.” You can tell that Brennan has a million questions, that he wants to pry into what is really going on, but you refuse to let him get more. “I’m just here to be assigned a room, nothing more, nothing less. So let’s skip the relationship twenty questions.”

Brennan continues to hesitate far longer than appropriate, but the wall that you’ve built around asking anything further must be enough to get him to move on. Scrunching his eyebrows and shaking his head, he pulls a book from the stack upon the table before looking back up. 

“Let me look over everything and I’ll let you know by lunch time today.” He replies as his fingers begin skimming through the book. 

You don’t bother acknowledging him and turn on your heels, moving towards the familiar classroom where you let your mind settle into the calming hum of your magic.

__________

“So, when were you going to share your wealth of knowledge with the rest of us?” Elliott asks as he drifts closer to the chair you’ve set yourself on. 

You let the small chuckle leave you as you lean towards him. The well-known rhythm settling in between you and your original squad. 

“All you had to do was ask.” You snark back, but you can’t help the smile of comfort that twists your lips.

“Hard to do when someone has made themselves scarce since becoming a couple with the highest profile riders in the quadrant.” Samira retorts giving you one of her knowing looks.

You can’t help the snort that leaves you, though if in humor or derision, you’re unsure. 

“Come on. Who needs us when they have the arm of the Duke of Tyrrendor and the ear of the continent famous lighting wielder.” Though the words are meant in jest, the reminder of the power laden relationship you are a part of sours something in your stomach. 

You don’t let the feelings that are still festering show on your face as you laugh along with Elliott and Samira. Both have welcomed you back into the squad with more than welcoming arms and its clear to you that their friendship has blossomed without your presence. There is a twinge of jealousy, but something on your face must show because soon enough Elliott’s arm is over your shoulders and pulling you closer. 

“You know you can tell us anything right.” Elliott’s voice is quiet as his hold tightens in comfort. “No matter what, we are still a squad, a family, no matter if your name is written in the same block or not.”

You give him a small smile and lean into the comfort. You knew that leaving Basgiath and the two people you love wouldn’t be simple, but it’s this space that you needed to feel like you weren’t just an outsider looking in. 

“Thank you both. I knew when I requested the transfer from Dain that I would be welcomed back, but it’s even better knowing that it really is true.” A quirk of an eyebrow is all you get from both of them before the conversation changes. 

It finally feels like you can breathe without someone constantly looking over your shoulder. It isn’t that you ever minded the fierce protectiveness of Xaden or Violet, but its refreshing to know that there’s no unspoken communication or secrets laden between the two people in front of you. 

As the night wears on, you let the heat of the hearth and the warmth of the bond with the two people in front of you warm the part of your heart that had begun to grow cold. You know it’s just a matter of time before you must answer for your decision and face whatever consequences that may arrive, but for now you let the smile settle on your face as your head rests on Elliott’s shoulder.

___________

Two nights later a rough pounding on your door draws you awake. Your eyes blink blearily as you try to banish the sleep from your eyes. 

Groaning as you slowly rise from the bed, limbs still heavily laden with sleep. Seconds later, there’s no doubt now who is on the other side of the door. Your hand barely crosses the frame before Xaden is grabbing you and pulling himself into the room. 

“Couldn’t this have waited till morning.” Your voice rasps as you try to clear the last remaining dregs of sleep. It’s obvious to Xaden that you haven’t raised his eyes, because if you had, he knows you would’ve never asked that question. 

Xaden doesn’t speak, your arm still gripped in his and it’s his tightening grip that finally has your eyes meeting his. As soon as you meet the familiar eyes, you blink a few times, sure that you must be dreaming. 

Is the color of his eyes different?

Surely it must just be the lighting, you blink several times again finally clearing past the haze. Now it isn’t the color you focus on, but the swarming emotions that seem to be mounting by the second. 

“What the fuck are you playing at?” The words sound like they’ve been scraped from Xaden’s soul, fractured and haunted in a way you’ve never heard before. 

But it’s that emotion that has your own defenses lifting, each wall being reinforced with the might of your own anger. You tear your arm away and take several steps back, taking the much needed space you want from the man in front of you. 

A humorless laugh leaves your lips as you watch the look in his eyes turn even wilder. You take him in, jacket askew, hair sticking up as though he can’t keep his hands out of it and the sight is almost comical. His fists tighten at his sides making his knuckles turn white, his jaw ticking in concealed irritation. 

You don’t say anything as you stare back at him. You knew that you didn’t have much time, but you never thought he would come busting through the door like a man possessed. And for what?

You look to the hall, fully expecting Violet to waltz in behind, her own eyes burning in fury, but it seems you are only graced with one of them tonight. 

“Well?” He seethes as his eyes continue to roam over your figure. 

“Well, what?” You spit back with equal agitation. 

He scoffs as he takes a step towards you, but the minute he moves, you step back. It’s that one step that has him faltering, and in all your time, you’ve never seen Xaden Riorson falter. Suddenly the wildness in his eyes turns to panic, an emotion you’ve only ever seen on his face in the form of battle when you or Violet were injured. 

He swallows thickly as he tries to recover himself, now seemingly unsure of what exactly to do.

“Why did you request a transfer back to your old squad?” The words are quieter now, almost as if he’s lost the wildness he had when entering the room. 

You scoff as your face turns toward the ground. “If you have to ask, maybe you haven’t been paying attention, your Grace.”

The title slips off your lips in a sneer, the term sounding more like a curse than a pleasantry.  

“You need to come back to Basgiath with me, so we can talk with Violet. The three of us have things to discuss.” His tone is meant to be comforting, but all it does is stoke the embers of your anger.

“What? So, I can watch as the both of you talk to each other and leave me out of it? So, you can scrape me raw by knowing my every thought but leave me questioning both of yours?” The words hit exactly where you were aiming as you watch his face falter. 

“Precisely.” You snap back as you stand at your door with your hand gesturing for him to leave. “If you want to talk when my squad is back at Basgiath, then fine. But I’m not leaving until my stint in Aretia is complete. If you want to keep secrets, then be my guest, but it doesn’t mean that I must be part of the equation any longer.”

Surprised, Xaden takes the few steps to stand outside your door. The hurt in his eyes shines as he looks back at you. You can see it in the tense set of his limbs that he’s desperate to reach out, but each word of your challenge has landed squarely. Instead of folding into him, you close the door and effectively shut down any communication.

‘Sgaeyl is not happy with your words.’ Rion muses sleepily as if she was also aroused from her slumber.

‘Yes, well, I’m not happy with being kept in the dark like a child either.’ You snark back, though the amusement continues to rise through your bond.

‘Though she commends you for fire. Seems the shadow wielder is not currently in her good graces.’ You are momentarily shocked with Rion’s words, never in your life did you think you’d warrant pride from Sgaeyl let alone when Xaden somehow disappointed her. 

‘I appreciate her commendation, but at this point, I just want to get some sleep and ignore that the last twenty minutes even happened.’ You yawn mentally as you settle back into your bed. 

A few months ago, the confrontation with Xaden would’ve kept you up all night, but with the way things have been, you find yourself drifting soon enough. It’s during that drift that you miss the shadows that wrap around your form as if they can’t stand to have any space from you. You snuggle further into the blankets, and they wrap themselves tightly to your form. Although there is a pulse that stirs behind them that says their master is fighting a war that he’s not sure he’ll be able to keep up.

__________

The next morning you enter the dining hall, and it would be impossible to miss the Duke of Tyrrendor who has seemed to take to lording over the entire room. You do your best to ignore him completely and walk to your squad with breakfast in hand. 

The minute you sit down, you scoot closer to Elliott, determined to ignore Xaden’s presence altogether. 

“I love you and all, but did you just sign my death warrant?” Elliott whispers into your ear as his eyes seem to drift in the direction of Xaden.

You lean in even more conspiratorially, your voice a whisper. “Of course not. He’s just being an ass.”

“An ass that looks like he’s one breath away from eating me for breakfast.” Elliott replies while his eyes turn back to yours. 

At that point you can’t help the laugh that tumbles out at the absurdity of the entire situation. The laugh surprises even you considering you don’t think you’ve heard the sound since the last time you were in Aretia and still part of your original squad. 

It’s then you feel the pulse of shadow that tightens around your wrist. You look down with an eyebrow cocked and pull up your sleeve causing the shadow that was resting there to disappear. You turn to Xaden, only warning shining in your eyes, but his eyes don’t even meet yours, instead they are focused solely on Elliott’s hand that now rests across your shoulder. 

“Come on.” Your words are irritated as you move to get up. “Let’s go to the kitchens. Natasha more than likely has something better waiting there.”

As you walk away, you can feel Xaden’s stare boring into you, but you refuse to turn around. 

_____________

‘I’m not ready to go back. Can’t we just stay in Aretia?’ You whine to Rion as you walk towards the flight field. 

‘Are you wanting to stay because you like it here or because you don’t want to finally have to answer for your decision?’

You groan and scrunch your nose as you make it to Rion’s foreleg. 

‘You’re supposed to be on my side, you know.’ Rion’s amused chuff slides into your mind. 

‘I am on your side and so is Sgaeyl. You’d be surprised all those who are.’ Your eyes narrow as you look at the back of Rion’s head.

‘Why do I feel like you know something?’

‘Oh, I do. Sgaeyl was more forthcoming without her mate in tow during the shadow wielders visit.’ The rawness of Rion’s voice now has you on edge.

‘Are you going to share what you learned?’

Something in Rion’s tone changes as she looks back towards you in her seat.

‘If it’s something that challenges your safety in any way, then you will know all.’ 

The cryptic message does nothing to soothe the concern that continues to grow in your gut. The secret they’re clearly hiding is something bigger than anything you could’ve expected and you aren’t sure if it will be the final strike to your relationship or something to bond you closer. 

___________

Somehow, you’re lucky enough to arrive back at Basgiath while Violet’s squad is in signet sparring class. You take the boon Zinhal has granted and walk straight back to your quarters. 

As soon as you’re done showering, there’s a knock at your door. You face hardens as you open the door, but it begins to soften the minute the person on the other side registers.

“Elliott, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, just thought we could hang out.” He says with a shrug and you extend your hand, pulling him into the space. Though the minute he’s in, you look back at your door quizzically as the magic of your wards seems to pull differently than before.

You don’t know how long has passed as you both have chatted about the last year, between crossing the parapet and fighting venin, the last eighteen months have been a whirlwind. 

You are both laughing, your head rested in his lap when the door to your room suddenly swings open. Both startling in surprise, the emotion is short lived when you see who is on the other side.

Xaden and Violet stand there as if you’ve just caved in their entire world. Meanwhile, you can’t keep the irritation off your face.

“That’s why the wards felt different when I pulled Elliott through.” You mutter to no one in particular as you look back at your partners.

Elliott sensing the tension begins to rise and head for the door. 

“I’ll talk to you later.” He murmurs as he brings you in for a hug. “Don’t forget you deserve to be heard too.”

The words are quiet, but you have no doubt that Violet and Xaden heard them as you watch their shoulders tense in response.

“I’ll see you later.” You give Elliott one last squeeze before you let him go. You watch as he scoots out the door, careful not to get too close to the two livid forms standing just outside your door.

“Starlight.” Xaden starts as he marches into the room, all commanding presence and bravado. Your brow quirks at the interruption, not used to Xaden calling your personal nickname since gaining his professorship. 

Violet doesn’t even try with placating before she’s in front of your face. 

“Why did you switch squads and disappear to Aretia? Do you know how worried we were when we got back and you were nowhere to be found?” Violet’s anxiety is obvious as she paces in front of you. 

Xaden however has made it his mission to get as close to you as possible, as if he doesn’t touch you soon, you may just float away. You don’t let either of them get too close as you stand your ground, your own stare hardening. 

“There was no reason for me to be pulled from my original squad. We all know that.” Your eyes drift back and forth between the two. “The whole reason you both orchestrated that last year was so you’d have someone to keep an eye on me when Violet had to go to Samara.”

The silence settles heavily as the weight of your words begins to take shape. 

“Is it because you’re interested in Achinson?” Xaden’s words cut through the haze and you can’t stop the laugh that bubbles out.

“So that’s why both of you are here, because you’re jealous and think that I’m leaving you for Elliott?” You laugh out, though the sarcasm in your voice is thick.

“You’ve both been skirting around me since the battle here and I’m tired. So instead, I try to find people that are here for just me and now you want to come to me because you’re jealous? As if I didn’t warrant the same attention before?” You let the exhaustion leech through your voice, the mixture between that and sadness settling heavy on your shoulders. But you aren’t done saying your peace yet.

“You both sit here and talk mind to mind, and I watch you do it. At this point I don’t even know if it is a cognizant thing you’re doing to keep me out or you’re just so focused on each other you can’t see me standing there.”

“Of course we see you.” Violet blurts out as Xaden grabs your waist and plasters you to his chest no longer able to maintain his distance. “The entire time we were in Anca we were both worried about what could be happening here.”

You feel Xaden’s grip tighten on your waist as Violet’s hand comes up to grip your face. You know if you wanted to, you could let yourself sink into the comfort. To go back to the happiness that you told yourself was forever as you each pledged yourselves to one another.

“You say that, but its hard to feel that way when it feels like there is something hanging over our heads and I’m the only one who doesn’t know it.” Violet’s eyes flare as her hand falls back to her side. It’s that shock that lets you know that you’ve hit the heart of the problem cleanly.

“We are just trying to protect you.” The volume of Violet’s voice has ratcheted up higher than you’ve ever heard it. Conviction and fury lacing through every word, as if she proves it loudly enough you’ll understand its for your own good. 

“I’m not in love with the both of you for your fucking protection!” Your own tone rises in response, not willing to concede any ground.

“And that is why we love you. We know you can take care of yourself, but this isn’t something we’re keeping from you lightly.” Xaden’s words are meant to soothe, just like his face that nuzzles in your hair. 

Needing space to process your thoughts, you pull yourself out of his hold and towards the door. 

“Protection in the name of ignorance is no protection – it’s a death sentence. I would’ve thought that the last year and a half would’ve shown you both that, but clearly you’re both still so absorbed in each other you haven’t pulled your heads far enough away to notice.” You bristle as their insinuation of protection still prickles across your skin. 

A cynical huff leaves your mouth as another thought tugs to the forefront of your mind. “Especially you Violet. Or are your actions more justified than Dain trying to shield you from the trials of the quadrant? It isn’t either of your jobs to decide what I can and cannot handle. That’s not fucking love – its control.” 

She rears back in surprise, not expecting you to bite. Xaden steps further in front of her and you snarl at the insinuation that you’d ever hurt her, considering you are the one with an aching wound living in your chest.

“So you can keep your fucking protection, you can live in your mind to mind bond, but don’t expect me to play a part in either. You can either love me like you’re supposed to or let me go.”

You turn away, not interested in ‘I’m sorry’ or hurt faces. If they want to keep their secrets and depend on only each other, there’s no room for you. The thought settles heavy on your shoulders, but you refuse to let them see you break. Refuse to be the one to show the weakness that they clearly don’t need as part of their growing dynamic, their growing secrets. Though it hasn’t escaped you that you’re the only one in Xaden’s precious circle that warrants being left out. 

Shadows try to bar the door, and they are successful for a beat until you tap into the light of your magic. Each flicker burning through the darkness.  

You may not be as powerful as your lighting wielding partner, but she hasn’t been around to see the ways in which you’ve honed your power. A skill that you’ve only shared with Ridoc as you’ve both trained together.

You hear the surprised gasp as you turn the knob of the door, but you have no room in your heart to relish in your pride for yourself. The sting of betrayal festering too brightly to be smothered by a softer emotion. 

“Until both of you are willing to come clean with all the fucking secrets, stay away. If you think I can’t handle them, then you never trusted me in the first place. And you don’t get to show up here just because you are fucking jealous to try and explain yourselves.” You throw your words over your shoulder as you continue your stride towards the flight field. 

The sting of their silence is still there as Rion comes into view, but without a word, you mount, and she launches immediately. You don’t miss the two figures that run out onto the flight field or the way the shadows surge in an effort to bring you back, but your light lands like a shield around you, a glistening cocoon that keeps each shadow at bay. 

The steady beat of wings is the thing that draws your attention and you turn to see familiar sapphire scales glint in the moonlight. You scowl and look toward Sgaeyl’s seat, but the minute you realize that there’s no Xaden, your irritation turns to curiosity.

‘What is Sgaeyl doing?’ You question as the beautiful blue glides under Rion’s wing.

‘She is showing her rider that he has chosen the wrong path. That she stands with you and everything you have laid out before your mates.’ Your eyes turn and your whole body tenses as Sgaeyl’s eyes meet your own. 

You always thought you’d see the ruthlessness that lays in Xaden’s stare, but instead there’s a deep sense of knowing, an odd comfort considering her reputation.

‘Your mates will have to decide if they want this relationship and if they do, how to win you back.’ Rion’s words are tense, showing the restraint in her tone. ‘I will not let them keep this from you forever and if they choose to, I will break the oath I’ve sworn and tell you. You will not be alone, and this secret will come to the light.’

You lean into the saddle and let the rush of the wind in your ears quiet your thoughts. As much as you want to push, to yell, to scream, there is no point if the two people you love most in this world will not trust you with the truth.

So instead, you gaze to the spring sky above you let your stare rest on the twinkling stars. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring or if Xaden and Violet will trust you with their secrets. But here among the vastness of the stars, you shake off the restraints of their silence and just feel.  

__________

Divider: @empyreanevents