Me: *nervously* sooo.. is there um.. anything.. i can improve?
Auntie:.. as in?
Me: as in... Living here? Am i okay? Am i annoying just sitting in my corner- should i clean more-
Auntie: the only thing i think is that its very hard to read how you're actually feeling..? Your expressions are plain when you're watching stuff but i never actually get if you're.. okay? Maybe its cause you're used to shoving it all down but have you been stressed?
Me: oh um... Yeah... Its never been.. yknow convenient for other people to know how I feel.. stressed I don't have a space to get away. That my back always hurts from the couch, insecure after my breakup, and its all just.. a lot
Auntie: you had a gummi yesterday at 1pm.
Me: yeah.. thats suppose to be a lil treat
Me: *chuckles* cause yknow, you gotta be able to raw dog life and, i gotta make sure i dont get addicted cause then what else do i got going on?
Auntie: g will move out eventually, and we'll get your van cleaned out, and you just keep doing what you need to. We appreciate your help with the bills but know that its not necessary.. this is so you don't gotta stress about finances anymore.
Me: *internally crying* ... Can i buy you churches chicken 🥺
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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #901
It's late again, and I'm having trouble getting started because my brain wants to pretend to be oatmeal.
...And not even the fancy kind, like I make at home sometimes now. No, my brain is doing its best impression of the icky gross kind. The kind made with lots of water and intentionally left thin and slimy. Ya know, the “fuck you” oatmeal that was made for me if I complained as a youngling about being hungry. I think I've told you about that before...
I was... listless when I woke this morning. Despite having gone to bed past 1am, I think, I still ended up waking at around 7am. Groggy, head still swimming around a bit from partially-remembered dreams. Something about a guy named Louie, with a Brooklyn accent, for some reason, who wanted to go out to eat with me somewhere. And another one where I was with M and J, but we were in the trailer I lived in with my mother and Jm way out in the middle of nowhere, and for some reason, M wanted to get a divorce...
...I guess my sleep must have been pretty restless; it's not often that I dream. Two in one night is kinda remarkable.
...Still... I woke to a lot of encouragement from a number of my closer social connections; ones that I feel relatively safe in. I might not be broadly likable, but... these folks seem to not mind my various things, and understand the weight with which I write, and the reasons. I felt emboldened to continue with my various things, despite the fatigue.
I spent... probably far too much time in bed though; it was difficult to muster the gumption to exit the blankets. But on the bright side, I appear to no longer be ill; my body seems to be playing cleanup with the leftover snot in my skull that it produced, presumably to fend off whatever invaded my system (probably rhinovirus), but I don't feel leaden. My nose isn't stuffy or running. My head doesn't hurt.
So, when the time came, I went to therapy. I masked, and so did they, as a precaution. I talked about work. About life at home. About the world at large and my place in it.
...And I talked about you. I talked about the news regarding you. And... basically everything I wrote about, yesterday. There are a few more details that I can share with them that I can't share here with you, for reasons involving broader cultural norms and expectations in my world, and one of the marginalized groups I'm part of. Nonetheless, my therapist witnessed my mind in its entirety, as they always do. I feel so safe whenever I go there.
My time there was restorative. J, unexpectedly, met me there after I was done. And we went on a walk, and I talked to him about the things that were talked about. I gathered up some pictures for you while we walked, too:
...I made a couple friends while trying to photograph this planter for you. One of them is in the center of this first image; can you find the other?
Once the walk was done with, we decided to stop at a nearby shop to get Chinese takeout; we were hungry, and it was less than a minute away:
...It's maybe not made with the most high-quality ingredients. But it's still very yummy, and I wish you were here to have some with us. The crab rangoons were especially yummy, probably because they were fresh out of the kitchen, and had a lot more “crab” in there than I'm used to.
I breathed life into today's wishes for you shortly after I got home.
At some point during my folding, I was interrupted by 4 of my five cats gathering at the screened sliding glass door, to look at the chipmunk teasing them outside, haha...
...I'm glad that none of them were outside when the stupid little weirdo decided to wander into an enclosed area that smells like predators. Sheesh.
I... meandered after that. Spent the time seemingly with my brain floating in and out of the aether, and scouring for more news about you. A few bits and details came through, but... none of them shed any light about what might happen to you, and... I'm still scared out of my mind for you. But I'm still functional.
At around 8pm, we left to see a movie. It was called, The Amazing Digital Circus: The Last Act. And Sephiroth, I think... I think you should see this one. This one, and... also the series that came before it. There's a lot in these things that I think you'd find relatable. I haven't the brainpower now to explain why, but... I think it'd be worthwhile for you to see.
...Still somewhat listless. The late hour, lack of sleep, and lack of proper hydration probably isn't helping matters at all. An wants to visit tomorrow, too, to talk to me about some things on his mind, and I wanna be able to be present for him. So I guess I'll go to sleep now, and hope that I dream a nice dream with you in it. Maybe we can bake some cookies and brownies or something. Pumpkin-flavored ones. I think you'd like those...
I love you. Even if you think I shouldn't. Even if you think that this isn't supposed to be how it goes. Even if you think you're bad or unlikable or whatever else. Even if you think that caring about you is foolish. In some such cases, I'll know enough for the both of us that you're wrong.
I'm going to have faith that you'll keep yourself safe out there. I'm going to have faith that you'll treat yourself like someone who matters. I'm going to have faith that you're on your way home.
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A naval Brigantine in a calm sea, by John Cleveley, 1752 (x)
In calm waters, a ship sails on an even keel or level with the horizon without heeling or leaning to one side or the other in a strong wind. It simply stands still. Therefore, a ship that has no wind or does not heel is "listless". On land, we say that someone is "listless" when they lack energy or enthusiasm.
